“Chupacabra: Dark Seas,” on SciFi. Synopsis: A chupacabra! On a cruise ship! With Giancarlo Esposito as a crazy scientist! And John Rhys-Davies as the captain!

It’s as if they’re going out of their way to make horrible film after horrible film over there. We’ve seen better student films. We’ve seen better films made by toddlers. We’ve seen better films made by chupacabras, or at least we theorize that primitive bloodsucking animals with no language or culture could not possibly do worse than this.

From the IMDB review of this goatsucker: “

By a stroke of sheer coincidence, a Marshall is on board, investigating some money that went missing from the ship’s safe. He’s posing as an insurance salesman (“Lady, I’m the best insurance you’ve got…”). Other scintillating characters include the captain (John Rhys-Davies, and sadly his dignity is the first victim of the film), his tae-bo instructor daughter …

No, we are not making this up.