Investigators Blame Stupidity in Area Death

WHEATLEY, AR – Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment were cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure, unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday. “We’re fairly positive the deceased was operating under the influence of being an unbelievable dumbass,” forensic investigator Evan Lawrence told reporters at the scene, a stretch of road littered with SUV parts, beer cans, food containers, fishing equipment, and pornography. “I mean, we’re not saying alcohol, fatigue, poor vehicle maintenance, and driver error didn’t play their parts — but mainly, that driver was a goddamn dipshit.” [More]