The hip-hop-Christian “p4cm” folks have an amusing line of shirts available, and they seem especially keen on getting the word about about becoming an EX-masturbator. They suggest you also follow the link and read — sorry: “hit up” — their new article inventively titled “Masturbation,” which is so full of evangelical-speak that it’s almost indecipherable:

And God’s method of operation for sex is marriage. He created the fibers of sex to be so strong that it could only be contained in the confines of marriage. What is marriage, that only It can contain the orgasm? Because only a contractual covenant can contain something so strong…Anything outside that method would self destruct. Any other orgasm achieved outside of marriage couldn’t handle its intense, explosive, addictive, domineering, gripping force without repercussions. Yes, you could very well achieve and very much well, enjoy one, but not without suffering the impact of its climactic aftershocks. Yes, I just said it, Church! Yes, the tremors may feel good, but the aftermath, the consequences of an illegal orgasm is traumatic. You can reach the heights of sexual stimulation during masturbation, but can you handle its control over your life?

Isn’t it a little, I dunno, creepy to push this kind of scaremongering about Rosy Palms and her Five Sisters in 2009? Also, how ’bout that grammar? Our official Heathen advice is to stop worrying about solo diddling and put that energy into something actually constructive. Item one on their new to-do list should probably be a proper composition class.