And now, a dramatic reading from Paris Hilton’s Sidekick:

Aguilera, Christina 1-310-917-9191 Durst, Fred 1-310-948-0808 Eminem 1-917-776-7643 Lavigne, Avril 1-613-532-4092 Lil John 1-678-362-6742 Lohan, Lindsay +1-347-596-9990 Olsen, Ashley 1-310-760-1996 Pearlman, Ronald 1-212-572-5060 [ ed: WTF? ] Pharrel 1-646-824-1999 Phillips, Bijou 1-323-316-5528 Simmons, Russel 1-212-840-9399 Simpson, Ashlee 1-310-254-7114