The Feds have 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin in custody for rampant insider trading; apparently, he turned $800 into $350 million with 126 trades. His story? Not insider trading — no, that would be wrong. Instead, he’s a time traveller from the year 2256.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.