The rest of the piece on perpetual business travel isn’t nearly as good, but this segment is grand:

Next, hotels; If you have any say in the matter, try to stay in Marriott affiliated hotels. The Wingate Inn and Quality Inn are both alright, but the Choice hotels (Comfort Suites, Sleep inn, etc) would be great, if they could somehow merge them all into one. As it is, Comfort suites have great bathrooms, but the chairs are awful, and most of them won’t let you smoke in them, and you have to light up your joint in the rental car, then you get all paranoid about taking it back to the rental place and having them smell it, so you just spray the hell out of it with air freshener; then you think that the guys at the rental place do this all the time, so they know what it means when a car comes in reeking of fake banana air freshener, so they’ll get onto you about it, and charge your company for you smoking in their car, then your boss calls you up and asks what this was all about, because he knows you don’t smoke cigarettes, so you have to make up some story about picking up a hooker, and she lit up in the car, but your boss turns out to be a pentecostal preacher and insists that you don’t do that in the future, or at least have her smoke in the hotel room where they charge you less, but you can’t do that because the whole hotel will know you’re smoking the funk because you got that hydro from your cousin, and you can smell that stuff two states over, so now you’re just fucked. The Sleep Inns have sucky bathrooms.