So, last night at midnight, I accompanied my friend, business partner, and boss (one guy) to the first local screening of Lucas’ latest fuck-you to his fans. Our review follows.
Sweet CHRIST Lucas, would have been too much to ask for you not NOT FUCK THIS ONE UP, TOO?
What the hell were you thinking with that bullshit Frankenstein scene — a scene that reaches its shockingly awful nadir with a melodramatic “Noooooooooooooooooo!” from the newly-reconstituted Vader upon hearing his brides’ fate. Which, fortunately, almost certainly frees us from the possibilty of “Bride of the Sith,” something we cannot assume Lucas would not otherwise attempt.
Also, Chewbacca? What is this, the world’s smallest universe? And what’s with the Wookies doing Tarzan yodels?
This whole affair makes us want to create the Star Wars Suck Scale, which we offer below.
The Star Wars Suck Scale
Being a revisitation of the relative quality of Lucas’ plodding epic.
- The Empire Strikes Back. Honestly, it’s the only decent film of the lot. It’s also the only one with its head firmly above water here.
- Star Wars, which frankly finishes this high only because of its cultural touchstone status. Lucas’ direction was crap even in 1977. Unfortunately, too, this represents the last vaguely acceptable filmmaking effort. All below here are in suck territory.
- Return of the Jedi, which appears inordinately proud of its “best of the suck” position — a position it gains only for being associated with the top two finishers, really. I mean, c’mon, EWOKS? And ANOTHER Death Star? You’re not even trying, Georgie.
- Revenge of the Sith. There’s a huge drop here, but not as big as the drop before we get to…
- Attack of the Clones. Blissfully free of what-Lucas-did-to-Liam Neeson — and mercifully low on Binks-ism — this one only barely edges out the worst of all.
- The Phantom Menace. Never have so many waited so long for something so awful.
BTW: If you’re gonna post whining about spoilers above, don’t bother. In fact, here’s some more:
- Sidious == Palpatine (oh, like that’s a shocker)!
- Anakin turns into DARTH VADER!
- Padme gives birth to twins — LUKE AND LEIA!
- Rosebud was his SLED!
- Bruce Willis was DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!
- That chick in “The Crying Game” IS A MAN!