Sometimes you browse the web. Sometimes the web browses you.

The following are actual, no-kidding search phrases typed into Google or somewhere that led actual visitors here in January.

Frankly, given the parameters, we’re pretty sure you can skip it.
“thank you note gluten-free gift”
Possible alternative titles for this site.
“cirque de heathen”
No idea what they’re looking for, but the last item probably means they think RMS is a terrorist.
“signature terrorist spam security spoof emacs”
In which someone looks to us for evening plans, and wisely.
“alice s tall texan”
In which someone looks to us for fashion advice, and badly.
“2006 is velvet outdated?”
Only since October, but it’s not like we blog about it (plus, we’d spell it right).
“matrimonial intercource”
Now you’re just being nosy.
“jelly-fucking”
Stop it. You’re scaring us.
“rexella van impe sexy”
Not here, unless you count being touched by His Noodly Appendage.
“nsfw hentaivideos in blogs”
There’s so much wrong with this we don’t know where to start.
“leviticus insest”
We’re leaving the snarky comment on this one to our attorney.
“cuban beastilty”
We think it’s a good idea, too, but do they listen to us?
“advance shipping notification xml”
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.
“hunter s. thompson avocado yoghurt wheelchair”
Actually, we’re pretty sure what he does is Hatha, but you’re still in the wrong place.
“mike dorman anusara”
You know search engines log these things too, right?
“state beastiallity laws”
Honestly, it’s level 6 that’s a real pain in the ass.
“level 4 taxing dhtml lemmings”
Must be after that Freedom Porn.
“porno quebeqois”
No he can’t, and you’re a jackass for saying so.
“screw liberty the president can damn well do what he wants”
As the aforementioned Preznit would say, “Bring ’em on!”
“muslim hotties”
No, we will not do your homework for you.
“alienation in ionesco s rhinoceros”
And a Merry Christmas to you, too.
“penthouse playmates advent calendar 2006”
No idea here, but it makes us giggle anyway.
“hong kong airport cling film tamper luggage”
Eric, is that you?
“240 dollars worth of pudding”
At least it’s not IIS.
“apache server garthbrooks”
She’s probably be cute, if she weren’t a Seminole. And a Troll.
“fsu female wow world of warcraft tallahassee girl”
Frankly, we were never much of an authority. Late bloomer, you know.
“cocksucking women/hattiesburg ms”
If you keep searching at work, you may need a new “jop” soon
“blow jop sex”
We’re sure it’s out there, but do you really want to know?
“how do echidnas urinate”
Dept. of Misplaced IBP Referrers, Pt 1
“review for full circle by c. mee in houston tx”
Dept. of Misplaced IBP Referrers, Pt 2
“troy schulze scientology
Erin, we think we know where your dreams are coming from.
“matthew mcconaughey pic texas handcuffs naked bongos oct 1999”
Sure, some of ’em are, but that’s true of any place we’ve been.
“huge boobs louisville”
Dept. of Unclear On The Concept
“uncopy cd”
Just stop being a smartass and mop up the fucking milk, ok?
“it is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid”
At least somebody’s looking into it.
“presidential impeachment howto”
As God is our witness, we wish we knew.
“where to find oscelots for purchase”

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