Mrs Heathen and I have spent the last several months addressing our failures as homeowners, i.e., our sudden realization that we were Those People who have a jungle for a backyard, a persistent A/C drip, unwelcome growth in the gutters, etc. As it turns out, “every 8 years” is probably not a good interval for home maintenance. In any case, think on this before you buy.

Today marks the end of Phase I, which included:

• Backyard clearing; this was complicated by a period of benign neglect as well as the discovery, during clearing, of previously unknown precolumbian tribes living in the underbrush. Unspoiled and noble, they’re now being studied by some anthropologists at HCC while I, of course, took their land. Hey, I bought it fair and square. Cost: $400, which is still less than paying someone $25 a week to mow it.

• Despite my best efforts with bleach and a snake, convincing the backup A/C condensation line to stop dripping on the side of the HQ required the attentions of a professional. In his visit, though, he inspected the balance of the cooling system and pronounced it ship-shape. Drip resolved. Cost: $130, or a solid bargain in my eyes — A/C guys won’t come in the house for less than a C-note.

• Gutter-cleaning. This sounds trivial, but as Heathen Central is nearly 4 stories tall at that point, there’s no way in hell Chief Heathen’s going up there. Cost: $280. They also put an extension on the aforementioned backup condensation line, though, so that future drips won’t hit the side of the house on the way down.

• General roof-inspection. When the Neighbor had his gutters done, he discovered some fastener issues. Said issues extended to Heathen HQ’s roof, but have been similarly resolved. Included in the gutter-cleaning.

• Replacement of plants in the back 40. The reclaimed backyard is all in Dirt now, which isn’t so great for lounging. Phase 0.0001 has begun with YOURS TRULY actually digging holes and planting shit under the pecan (specifically: a ginger variant (2); foxtail fern (2); groundcovery thing (1); orchidy thing (1)). More to come, after Mrs Heathen and I decide on a plan. Cost so far: < $100.

Now, where’s our goddamn tax credit?