We at Heathen wish to point out the Onion’s Tips on Responsible Holiday Drinking, which include:

• Always drink from the bottle labeled “XXX.” The bottle with the skull-and-crossbones on the front is poison.
• Drinking more than seven nights a week is not just irresponsible, it’s impossible.
• If someone you know is too drunk to drive, demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know.

And, of course:

• Never drink with Tyler Schneeklov.

Keep in mind that you may be someone’s “Tyler Schneeklov”.