Things I Learned at Carl and Joy’s Wedding

  • A martini ice sculpture is a deceptively evil thing, and joins my car in the list of things we may describe as “a bad idea, done very very well.”
  • When the chips are down, my ex-girlfriend is more than happy to help Erin with emergency dress adjustments & repair.
  • “Fuck ’em and feed ’em fish heads” is the sort of thing I should probably say more often.
  • It’s possible to go to a reception, not dance with your girlfriend, and somehow not get into trouble. It must be a very, very good reception, though.
  • La Colombe d’Or will throw your sorry drunk asses out at half past two if you’re so loud you keep the other guests awake, even if the set of sorry drunk asses includes those belonging to the bride and groom.
  • Voice mail messages left by the groom on your cell phone at about that time in re: the location of the after-party and his own plans for the immediate future can be a source of great amusement at breakfast the next day.
  • One half of the wedding couple singing to the other half needn’t be awkward or tacky; in fact, it can be beautiful, moving, and hilarious all at once. Especially if the groom took 7 years to propose, and the bride sings “At Last” with a full swing band backing her up.
  • I cannot drink like I could in college, even if several college friends are here. Maybe that should be “especially.”
  • A black tie wedding affords guests the opportunity to retain some dignity upon being ejected from ritzy hotel bars at 2:30AM because, hey, we may be drunk and loud, but at least we look good.
  • It is handy to have attended college with an opera-singing voice major willing to perform at your wedding, as Carl’s friend Julie did.
  • A member of the groom’s party should always have a kit including:
    1. Painkillers
    2. Heartburn remedy
    3. Breath mints
    4. Contact lens solution, if appropriate
    5. Bourbon
    6. Lint brush
    You could be surprised at how many of these prove useful. Trust me.
  • In a pinch, it is possible to get by with only #5.


  • There’s just about nothing so cool as seeing two dear friends fall in love and get married. Congratulations again, guys.

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