How to Follow That Saturday with a Questionable-and-Expensive Monday

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In Which We Discover that Rain Man Lives in My Shower Spigots
When the water to the hot-water heater is turned off, the pressure failsafes in my shower and tub faucet mechanisms (designed to keep me from scalding myself, presumably to avoid the eponymous “hot water burn baby” scenario) prevent any water flow, which means that showers are an all-or-nothing affair. No amount of determination on the theme of “fuck it, I’ll take a cold shower” will result in a shower, cold or otherwise.
Presumably, the Balance of the Name is still Accurate
Nick’s Plumbing is not actually owned by anyone named “Nick”.
Home-office Advantages in the Realm of Chronologically Challenged Plumbing Personnel
The plumber was set to arrive at 0730 this morning. The morning plumber, a tall hipster-sideburn guy, showed up about an hour later.
If We Must Allow Electrons Spontaneous & Unfettered Movement from Pipe to Pipe, The Terrorists Have Already Won
Electrolysis is the enemy. You want brass nipples on those, you see, not galvanized.
I’ll Bet They Won’t Let You on a Plane with Either One
I’m not sure if “brass nipples” would be funnier as a previously-unknown gangland fighting tool (perhaps employed primarily, but not exclusively, by female gangs), or a brand-new-fad from the world of body modification.
A Discussion of the Failings of the Morning, Hipster-Sideburn-Plumber and His Silent Sidekick, Part 1
Diagnosis and follow-on discussion were quite brief (as the problem and solution were pretty obvious), whereupon he stated it would take “about an hour or so” to get a heater and return. He and his silent sidekick left. About two hours later, I heard from the main office. It appears hipster-plumber has told them I want the work done on Wednesday. Would it be okay for someone else to come on back and do the replacement this afternoon instead? Why yes, yes it would.
A Discussion of the Failings of the Morning, Hipster-Sideburn Plumber and His Silent Sidekick, Part 2
Despite what the hipster morning plumber said, my water heater is from 1997, not 1988. This is obvious from the most cursory examination of the serial number, a point not lost on the Afternoon, More Conventional Plumber Guy or the crack NoGators Plumbing Team. This is, coincidentally, the year the house was built, and is therefore not nearly as puzzling as the alternative date supplied by Hipster Guy.
Wherein the High End of Water-Heating Devices is Considered, Albeit Briefly
There exist tankless water heater devices that create hot water on demand. This means you can’t run out. This is good. They cost $2,000 and up. This is bad. NoGators HQ has elected for a conventional pressurized-container-of-scalding-water instead.
Wherein We Ascertain the Cost of This Particular Affair
Conventional water heaters cost $650 (installed). This includes the brass nipples.
A Discussion of the Failings of the Morning, Hipster-Sideburn Plumber and His Silent Sidekick, Part 3
Despite what the hipster morning plumber said, they do not in fact take American Express.
In Which We Ascertain, with the Help of the Afternoon-Conventional-Plumber, Which Payment Methods Are Acceptable
Checks are fine.
Lest We Be Unfair, a General Discussion of Why We Like the Afternoon-Conventional-Plumber
I now know what to do to keep my water heater happy for 15 years or so, though the methods involved (“open the valve at the bottom and drain it into your yard about once a year”) imply a level of water waste bound to be unpopular with certain other NoGators personnel. Oh, and the brass nipples help, too.
And Then There’s This
When I turned the breaker back on, he waited in the garage with the heater “in case anything blows up.” We are not sure if he was joking.
Don’t Leave Us Hanging Like That
No, nothing blew up.
A General Discussion of My Hygiene Standards
I will shower immediately, despite plans for exercise in an hour, as I am too dirty to sweat.
A General Discussion of Why My Hygiene Standards are Silly
I last showered not quite 24 hours ago.
In Which we Acknowledge Generous Offers Made Elsewhere
My Attorney’s offer of late-night plumbing assistance is greatly appreciated, though perhaps unvetted by the likes of Mrs Attorney and ~, and (even more likely) may be based in part on a poorly worded initial draft of the earlier entry. A cocktail instead?

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