A memo to former Tide coach and current weasel Fran.

tset

The fine folks — well, actually, I think it’s one guy — over at Get Your War On have posted a side-splitting yet profoundly depressing update.

We all know that the TV world is rife with evil twins. This curiosity has never been adequately explained by science, and yet evil Spocks, evil Willows, and even evil Carl Kirsts surface with alarming regularity. How, we wonder, can we discern the evil twins from their more law-abiding and pure-hearted siblings?

I am pleased to announce that we here at NoGators Labs have located a resource to help you in this dreadfully important pursuit. The folks at this site have noticed that nearly all evil twins sport goatees, and have photographs to prove it. (My favorite: the evil Olsen twins.)

And take this geography literacy quiz from National Geographic. After each question, they provide data on how many folks in each of a few countries answered correctly.

If you’re like me, you’ll be horrified that only 20% of 18-to-24 year old Americans can find Afghanistan on a map.

I’m almost certain this is a hoax of some kind, but it’s still funny in that weird, oh-my-God-what-a-freak way.

I don’t know about you, but I feel safer knowing this department is on the job.

Okay, I can’t tell which is worse: the notion that this is real, or the notion that it’s a parody.

As an experiment, I’ve reimplemented a Palm game called Dopewars using PHP. You can play it online right here at NoGators. In fact, I encourage you to play it. I’ll add a high-score list directly; right now, I’m still making sure the game probabilities are reasonable.

I won’t name names, but they rhyme (again) with (um) Schloachim, Sachel-Pan, and Barl.

test

Click to Skip Intro.

Here’s a list of porn movie titles derived from “regular” titles, a phenomenon rife with hilarity. I think my favorites are “Cape Rear” and “Inspect Her Gadget.”

Sure, UA can’t go to a bowl game or officially win the SEC, but my alma mater can force LSU to its first shutout in 72 games, and its defense can create the only 4th-and-30 I think I’ve ever seen. Roll Damn Tide.

Today, 4 friends of mine came over and played Risk: 2210. At two o’clock in the afternoon.

This is the worst moment of realization about the economy I’ve had yet. It’s also a bit of a geekapoolza wake up call, too, but I’m less worried about that.

It’s still okay to be a geek, right? The culprits? I’ll never tell. But their names rhyme with Fom, Barl, Lyric, and, um, Schloachim.

Garrison Keillor has his say about Minnesota’s new Senator-elect, Norman Coleman, in Salon today. Coleman defeated Walter Mondale, but was almost certain to lose to Paul Wellstone. The piece is scathing, prompting this from someone (Robert Rossney) on the Well:

You must be a scumbag if you can get Garrison Keillor to publicly call you a son of a bitch.

Wow.

In honor thereof, here’s a set of photos taken by an acquaintance’s grandfather. They’re primarily of Europe around the end of World War II. It’s quite a time capsule.

So I’m not a theater critic anymore. Sue me. At least I’ve got my own bully pulpit right here at NoGators.

By now, my affection for the folks at Infernal Bridegroom Productions is reasonably well documented, so it should come as no surprise that I’m impressed with their latest show, A Soap Opera.

Starting tonight (last night, if you count the preview), they’re staging a little play by a guy named Ray. It was originally performed by him, his brother, and the rest of their band way-back-when in 1975. For reasons beyond my understanding, no one has done it since — truly shocking, because this show is a hell of a lot of fun. Half concert and half musical, this hour-long piece is a fast-moving and often hilarous romp — and it’s plenty loud, too. IBP regular Cary Winscott is the Starmaker, the biggest star in the world, capable of turning even the most ordinary man into an overnight sensation. His onstage persona must be seen to be believed; there is a cape involved. Tamarie Cooper is his long-suffering wife, and is as shockingly demure as Cary is flamboyant.

Backing the Starmaker is an all-star band of IBP and local-band heavyweights (including IBP Associate Director Anthony Barilla playing, as my girlfriend noted “3 instruments and the accordian!”). Even if you don’t know from theater, even if you’re scared of that area east of George R. Brown, and even if you can’t get up off the couch because of Tuesday, go see this show. November 8, 9, 15, 16, 22, 23, 29, 30 at the Axiom, 2524 McKinney, behind George R. Brown Convention Center.

Special Opening Weekend (11/8 & 11/9) Retro Rate – $5.99
Remaining performances – Fridays at 8:00 $12, Saturdays at 8:00 $15, Saturdays at 11:00 $17 (Late Saturday shows include live bands on the club stage after curtain, which means more loud rock and roll for your money!)

We here at NoGators really thought of ourselves as mildly clever for our own custom error page, but when compared to this one and this other one, we feel pretty inadequate. (There are even more of these here, if you’re curious.)

Oh well. At least ours has a funny picture.

Then you need the PowerPoint Anthology of Literature!

Anybody need a MiG? Sixty grand or so and it’s yours.

Now the cows’ll never come back. Our hyperparanoid airline screening is having some unforseen and embarrassing side effects.

Try this for all your evil clown manufacturing needs.

Austin NoGators Correspondent Mikey the Shiv sends this, which is both clever and, occasionally, creepy.

The number of times I could have used a cup with this on it during the go-go-90’s simply boggle the mind.

Okay, not really — that whole being-able-to-breathe, not-stinking thing is pretty cool — but still, there’s nothing like Zippo tricks.

Fortunately, at least some of them are channeling that frustration into hilarious film shorts.

Alabama 34, Tennessee 14. That’s all I have to say about that.

I know I’ve said this before. You may not even believe me anymore. But this time, I’m serious. This is clearly the absolute wrongest thing I’ve ever linked here. It should be noted that I’m including it on Heathen over the strenuous objections of Official NoGators Legal Assistant E. W.

http://www.foodtv.com/foodtv/recipe/0,6255,17275,00.html

I love this more than I can say.

…so why not just check WhatBadgersEat.com?

Whether your preference is official, obsessive, or eccentric, it’s good to know it’s all online.

And plenty of it is at Brunching Shuttlecocks’ Bandwidth Theater. Don’t miss “Kevin Smith and his Magic Feather.”

It appears that Microsoft has admitted that Outlook Express has a security flaw. The good news, though, is that it’s only active and dangerous if you use Outlook Express to read your email.

In other words, it’s only a problem if you want to use Outlook Express. Whew. I’m glad that’s settled.

I’m not at all sure if this is more or less weird than “Knocked Up and Gun Happy.”

But other than that, is there really anything wrong with a web site devoted to cataloging the world’s most interesting urinals? Don’t miss the Top Ten gallery.

No, really.

Today, it was announced that former President Jimmy Carter won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Today, our current president is continuing his efforts to go to war with Iraq.

Make of this what you will.

Real Life & such got in the way.

Anyway, we start today, a fine Friday in October, just a whisp of fall in the otherwise muggy Houston air, with this fine submission from NoGators Music Correspondent Mikey the Shiv. Check out the rest of the site, too.

NBC is whining about its Emmy losses to cable, in particular vis a vis Sheen and West Wing losing to Chiklis and The Shield, which “nobody in America has ever seen.” NBC Entertainment president Jeffrey Zucker also wants you to know they they’re just as groundbreaking as HBO, darn it. Really.

Good God, that doesn’t even pass the giggle test. I want some of what he’s smoking.

We’re still imprisoning people — legal immigrants — with no trial, no charges, and no right to appeal. This is being done in our name. It’s got to stop.

Or so promised the mysterious email submission from Nogators Weirdness Correspondent E. G. H. I was unprepared for the brilliance within, though the pleasure it brings, like all happiness, was fleeting indeed.

I just hope we take his words to heart in 2004.

Radio interview from Australia. Real Audio and kind of long, but also starkly more lucid than his public persona would lead you to expect.

This first one I found via this wonderful Who Would Buy That? site, which then inspired me to post this other one.

What’s your pirate name?

The best moving sale ever, mang.

Really. It’s a tribute, quite reverent and everything. Really. I mean it.

Warren Zevon has announced [EOnline.com coverage; the link may rot] that he has terminal lung cancer.

The above is an actual quote.

The WSJ is reporting another email worm making the rounds, this one with a 9/11 theme and named “Chet.”:

‘Chet’ Computer Worm Carries Sept. 11 Theme A WALL STREET JOURNAL ONLINE NEWS ROUNDUP Computer antivirus experts said Wednesday that a Sept. 11th-themed computer worm has emerged which spreads via Microsoft Corp.’s e-mail programs. Network Associates Inc., the big U.S. antivirus company, rates the “Chet” worm a low-profile threat. The worm was discovered Tuesday and was apparently written in Russia. The worm resides in an e-mail attachment file called “11september.exe,” which when opened, attempts to send itself to each e-mail address listed in the Windows address book. The e-mail has “All people!!” in the subject line and appears to come from a sender at “mail@world.com.” The e-mail contains the message: “Dear ladies and gentlemen! The given letter does not contain viruses, and is not Spam.” It describes a conspiracy theory about the terror strikes on Washington, D.C., and New York, and urges readers to open the photos and documents attached. Japanese software company Trend Micro Inc. and Finnish computer-security company F-Secure Corp. issued warnings Wednesday about Chet. F-Secure said the worm isn’t a big threat to computer systems since it “contains serious bugs.” Mikko Hypponen, manager of antivirus research at F-Secure, said in a press release: “This seems to be a poor attempt from a wannabe virus writer to exploit the commemoration of September 11,” “However, as the worm seems to crash regularly, it won’t go far.” The most successful viruses use e-mail to propagate, often sending out copies of themselves to addresses saved in users’ Microsoft Outlook programs. Some notable recent virus outbreaks include Klez, Code Red and Nimda. Updated September 11, 2002 12:33 p.m. EDT

Rest assured if I wrote a virus, I wouldn’t rely on Outlook, okay?