This is hilarious and very on-target. Playwright and actor Wallace Shawn has a hypothetical dialog between the U.S. and its therapist in The Nation. (Hard to believe it’s the same guy who played Vizzini the Sicillian in The Princess Bride, isn’t it?)

Tell me again how we’re not engaging in racial profiling, okay? This is absurd.

Please read this. Memo to FBI: Being outspoken in opposition to policies and practices of the government is not treason, nor is it reason to intimidate citizens, nor is it, really, any of your business. In many respects, it could actually be called patriotic — I see it as certainly moreso than empty jingoism. The freedom to state views contrary to the ruling party’s is a core value of our nation, and ought not be trod upon in the name of “fighting terrorism.”

Agent Mantler calls our attention to the Bruce Lee Remixer. Make sure your sound is turned up.

Copy protection for CD’s is coming, and it will pretty much eliminate fair use. The Wall Street Journal is running a story about this — a story that comes down solidly against copy-proofing.

You’d think this alone would give the RIAA pause, but that seems unlikely.

“ Spider farming is simply not practical.”

Shut Up And Put Your Ass In The Puddin’.

None of you — except maybe Rick — is prepared for this.

Many of you, I’m sure, have followed with relish the admission by certain high-energy physicists recently that the long-theorized and much-depended-upon yet never-actually-observed Higgs Boson (a.k.a. the “God” particle) may well not exist after all. This is a problem for subatomic physics, you see, because it is the Higgs that gives all particles mass. If it doesn’t exist — and they can’t seem to find it, and they’ve looked everywhere — then the whole of particle theory will have to be reworked, resting as it has largely on something that they now concede may be as imaginary as the Easter Bunny (sorry, Chris).

I contacted NoGators Physics Correspondent Emeritus Finch for comment, who says:

Don’t let those high-energy physicists fool you with their apoplectic despondency; they are relishing the opportunity to start from scratch, [and are] making up new particles as needed to replace the legendary Higgs boson. And as for not having mass, don’t tell the diet and fitness experts; this is their most lucrative time of year.

In closing, she notes that this is, in all fairness, far afield of her studies in chemical physics:

My knowledge of high energy physics is limited to believing the whole lot of them are on crack.

So there you have it. |*|

…out jumps dear old Santa Carl?

(Remember, kids, always use a safety line when hanging Christmas lights. Yours truly (l) may or may not be available for belay.)

Which James Bond Villain are you? According to them, if I were a James Bond villain, I would be Francisco Scaramanga. I enjoy good food, monopolising the world’s energy supplies, and sex before assassinating people. I am played by Christopher Lee in The Man with the Golden Gun.

And, while you’re at it, take the surreal test.

For some reason, KPMG thinks it has the right to control who may link to any portion of their site, and is sending letters to folks who don’t have a “link agreement” with them insisting that the links be removed (I wonder when I’ll get mine?). The web community at large is, of course, treating this with precisely the amount of respect it deserves.

If he can get away with this, just exactly what was the problem with that Oval Office hanky-panky a few years back? At least Monica was a GIRL, for God’s sake.

According to sources familiar with the issue, rapper Snoop Dogg is in talks with Cadillac to co-brand his own line of cars. If there is any justice in the universe, this will turn out to be true.

I’m probably the last to know, but George Harrison died on Thursday. He was 58. Damn.

According to the Work Nickname Generator, behind my back my coworkers call me “Sir Drinks-a-lot.”

Or, rather, they would. If I had coworkers. (heh).

Intrepid NoGators Legal Correspondant Thomas P. sends the following link which helps explain why I’ve always been vaguely suspicious of soccer.

The famed British newsmagazine is running a certain correction in its current print and online editions. It reads

In the issues of December 16th 2000 to November 10th 2001, we may have given the impression that George Bush had been legally and duly elected president of the United States. We now understand that this may have been incorrect, and that the election result is still too close to call. The Economist apologises for any inconvenience.

Heh.|*|

The folks at Modern Humorist have raised the bar.

Your name, carved in cheese. And what better way to cap the meal than with a nice, cheesy smoke?

My old neighbors would have loved this.

Brace yourself: layoffs at Graceland.

I was gonna post something today, but I got distracted.

Well, not really. But I’m not the only one in this boat right now.

This is a picture of my brother and I with Mimi, my mother’s mother. She died today. She was 84.

Where is YOUR birthday in Pi? Mine occurs at the 81,172nd digit. Find yours.

Somehow, “ pumpkin carving” doesn’t seem to be adequate to describe this.

A minute-long Lego-based parody version of 2001. Yes.

I’m all for being safe, but bullshit like this scares the hell out of me.

Yvonne, she gots a lizard.

It may just be that I’m unemployed, but this just makes me giggle. Imagine a whole cube farm with this page loaded.

But it makes me laugh, and The Unemployed like to laugh.

…but I can certainly find better stuff to do than this. Taken alone, this may be the best indictment of homeschooling I’ve yet heard.

…the idea of these people seems oddly compelling.

It looks like I just joined the dot-com downturn. By “looks like,” I mean the regional president of my employer just closed the Houston office, which means I’m — and I love this phrase — “at liberty.”

It was fun while it lasted.

Excellent analysis and background on the culture of the Taliban in today’s San Francisco Chronicle.

We’ve all heard the jokes about Chevy selling the Nova (“no va”) in Mexico, about Pepsi’s ill-fated “bite the wax tadpole” slogan in China, and some of us even remember Reebok’s stunningly ill-reserached sneaker name (hint: do not name women’s footware after rapist demons). Some of these may even be true. Scott Ian has a different – but related – problem.

CitySearch.com still has an interactive view-from-atop-the-WTC page. It’s kind of creepy, and kind of sad, but worth a look. It’ll be quite some time before you can see this again in the real world.

There’s a reason we have three branches of government here. Check out what’s being proposed in the wake of September 11, and make sure your congressional weasels know how you feel.

Number 1: bin Laden supporters include photos of their man pulled from the ‘net with insufficient attention to detail or source – to wit, they appear to include Bert in the background, suggesting they’re cribbed from the by-now-tired meme of Bert-Is-Evil (via BoingBoing).

Number 2: Memento. If you haven’t seen this film, do so immediately. I know I’m late to this party, but it’s been a long, long time since I’ve been as impressed by a film as I was by this one.

Number 3: Online techno/dance tracks via GrooveTech.com, courtesy of longtime Heathen Rob. Check out Derrick May, Colin Dale, and Aril Brikha via their searchable, streamable archives.

We have Agent Mantler to thank for this.

This is funny.

Concerned about the bandwidth implications of hosting the previous entry, I went over to my hosting company’s site to figure out my quota. I got a little surprise. It appears they also host the site for The Bingham Group, a firm until recently run by Mark Bingham. Bingham was on United Flight 93 — the one that crashed in Pennsylvania — and is thought to have been the leader of the group of passengers who overpowered their hijackers after hearing about the events in New York.

You think for a minute or an hour or a day that you’ve gotten past this thing, that you’re too far from it, and then you discover you aren’t.

This is something you might remember if you grew up in the 80’s. (Careful: 22MB mpeg)

You’re in luck.

Kansas state legislator Kay O’Connor has, bizarrely, voiced her opinion that women’s suffrage is a mistake — this while speaking at a League of Women Voters meeting.

I’d like to take this opportunity once again to thank Kansas for reminding the rest of the country that idiots are not unique to the South.

Go on. You know you want to look.

The good folks at The Onion have returned from their 9-11-imposed hiatus with an issue devoted to WTC-related topics, including the sidebar headline “Jerry Falwell: Is That Guy A Dick Or What?” They, like Jon Stewart and David Letterman, remind us that laughter is theraputic. Enjoy. And don’t miss the TV listings.

Ethan Coen, in addition to being one half of a truly extraordinary filmmaking duo (with his brother, Joel), is apparently also a poet; his dirty limericks appear in Nerve this week.

(Excerpted from his upcoming book The Drunken Driver Has the Right of Way.)

The Times reports evidence of a fairly wide conspiracy to create fake identies for terrorists — and murders to supply said. Chilling.