. . . swipe Alton Brown’s omlette pan. You see, it’s a weapon.

Remember the stories recently about the world’s standard for the kilogram actually losing weight over time, and the resulting efforts to find another, less ephemeral standard?

Tell them not to bother.

You know those pendulum-over-sand desktop curios? I’m sure you do; you swing the pendulum, and it writes a pattern into the sand below, kind of like a spirograph.

Ever wonder what might happen do one during an earthquake?

IT’S THE DEVIL’S WAY NOW
THERE IS NO WAY OUT
YOU CAN SCREAM & YOU CAN SHOUT
IT IS TOO LATE NOW
BECAUSE
YOU HAVE NOT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION

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The Internet has made it possible to find all sorts of scary things, but this woman may go too far. Doubt me? Listen to this, or even this (Can’t get enough? there’s more.)

This right here is the best damn Eighties Ending you’ll ever see.

In the Eighties Tarot, would it surprise you to find that Grace Jones is the Devil?

I want a wireless monkey.

The king of Swaziland has announced that pants are the root of all evil. Specifically, women wearing pants. He’s also convinced that “human rights” are an abomination before God.

Do not miss the last paragraph.

So this weekend, Erin and I capped a long couple workweeks with a trip to Austin to see one of the Alamo Drafthouse‘s Rolling Roadshow events: the 10 Year Reunion Party for Dazed & Confused. Richard Linklater‘s 1993 film starred a big pile of folks who later became much more famous, including Parker Posey, Milla Jovovich, Joey Lauren Adams, Rory Cochrane, Adam Goldberg, and (of course) Matthew “Naked Bongos” McConaughey (not to mention somebody named Ben Affleck). Since it was such a big deal for them, all of the above (minus Jovovich and Affleck) attended, which was nice. We ha da great time, and (as she will tell you given half a chance), Erin got to shake McConaughey’s hand.

Now, this same weekend, the aformentioned Drafthouse was showing a fan film in its downtown location. This wasn’t just any fan film: it was a 6- or 7-year labor of love by three kids from south Mississippi with time on their hands and a perhaps-unhealthy obsession with Raiders of the Lost Ark. Over the course of, well, the bulk of their youth, Eric Zala, Jayson Lamb and Chris Strompolis remade the 1981 film shot for shot using materials they could find and use, but also with astonishing fidelity to the original. Harry Knowles covers them here (and links to a trailer by Drafthouse maven Tim League), and the Austin Chronicle has more. That’s just pretty damn cool, if you ask me.

Here’s where it gets weird. Saturday, while waiting in line at the Dazed event, someone hollered at me. No surprise; I know lots of people in Austin. Of course, the person hollering wasn’t actually from Austin — she was Mrs. Eric Zala, of the Raiders-remake Zalas. But 11 years or more ago, way back at UA, she was my college girlfriend (see file photo from NoGators companion site). The world is very, very small, notwithstanding the distances from Tuscaloosa to Florida to Texas.

It was nice to see her, since I haven’t in about 10 years. It was nicer still to see she’s doing well, and that she’s ended up with somebody cool. They’re expecting, so we at NoGators want to with them luck. Erin and I were going to head back to the Alamo with them to see the midnight showing of Eric’s film, but, well, we’d been in the Austin sun all day, and by midnight the hotel became an unavoidable destination. I am, however, eagerly awaiting a Criterion DVD.

Paul Wolfowitz has been all over the news this week noting that “ WMD was just the reason we could agree on,” apparently even in the absence of credible evidence that Saddam had such. Don’t tell Rummy, though; he’s still insisting they exist, or at least existed up until the war — at which time Saddam trashed them to make us look bad.

Rummy wants to go to Tehran.

The Pentagon has declared space is for US use only. Oh boy.

Best. Beer. Ad. Ever.

I may want one of these more even than a new iPod. It’s a networkable stereo component that reads your digital music collection and spits it out as RCA analog stereo or fiber-optic digital, suitable for consumption by any decent stereo rig. Pair it with the Linksys WET11 and really large RAID array, and I might never have to touch a CD again.

So very wrong. So very, very wrong.

The U.K. has had, in general, far better coverage of the war and its surrounding events than the overwhelmingly-rah-rah-rah US media. Here are two stories you may find interesting, not in the least because they provide starkly different information on two war-related topics.

First, this coverage of the events surrounding the dramatic rescue of Jessica Lynch.

Second, another story concerning some (non-fissile) nuclear material, and the US’s failure to guard said even after we knew it was there. While you can’t make a true nuke with this stuff, it’s perfectly fine for a “dirty bomb.” If we care so much about stopping these things…

Salon answers the question. After all, you can’t expect Clear Channel to report on Clear Channel, can you?

Lance Bass and Paris Hilton to star in Great Gatsby remake.

Some folks out in Arizona (with the requisite white-supremacist ties) have taking to patrolling the Mexican border and shooting at those attempting to cross. Anti-immigrant folks are forming vigilante squads to address what they see as the authorities’ failure at protecting us from immigrants. They appear to have missed the part about how they themselves are also immigrants, unless their names are “Red Cloud” or “Running Bear.”

What’s happening to my country?

Copied, verbatim, from jwz’s livejournal:

A talk given at the Directors Guild of America. He says some interesting things about the history of mass media, dead people, the music industry, and then goes totally gonzo at the end: keep reading until you get to the part where he starts talking about the ubiquitous-computing vaseline and the dog heads.

It’s a fine day when you read something like that. It’s even better that it’s a link to William Gibson.

My attorney has spawned. Film at 11.

June Carter Cash, one of half of one of country music’s great royal families, died today of complications from heart surgery. She was 73.

In 1950, the 21-year-old June Carter made her Grand Ole Opry debut. Eleven years later, in 1961, the Carters joined Johnny Cash’s road show; it was Carter who wrote Cash’s #1 hit “Ring of Fire” in 1963, a song she later said was about being in love with him; they were married in 1968, and remained so for the rest of her life. She won a Grammy in 1999 for Best Traditional Folk Album (for Press On). She appeared onstage last month at the CMT 2003 Video Music Awards to accept an award on behalf of Johnny, then ailing with pneumonia. [ CMT coverage]

This seems like just the thing: FreePornForOurTroops.com.

US arms inspectors leaving Iraq.

We may safely assume that the liberal media will be all over this, since the whole “weapons of alarming nomenclature” thing was the pretext for this war — just as they were merciless in pointing out how this Administration fabricated much of the evidenced used to justify said pretext.

Yeah, right.

Windows crash traps men in BMW. It seems the new 7-series cars use WindowsCE at their core. Bad choice, kids.

In the event you haven’t heard: 52 Texas House Democrats have broken quorum to protest a new redistricting measure being pushed through by the GOP majority. The Republicans control the House, but 100 members (2/3) must be present for any business to transpire.

Gov. Rick “Good Hair” Perry has dispatched the Texas Rangers to arrest the wayward Dems, which of course only works if they were foolish enough to stay in Texas; reports this morning place them in Oklahoma, and even our last Governor knows that’s not part of Texas.

The best part of this whole affair may well be the New Mexico Attorney General Patrica Madrid’s response to Perry’s request that she allow the Rangers to make arrests in her state (from this story):

Madrid said the question is being researched. But she wasn’t taking it all serious. “Some are speculating this request from the Texas Governor’s office concerns an effort to locate missing Texas House Democrats,” Madrid wrote. “If so, Texas should understand that since ski season is over, the Santa Fe Opera has not begun and President Bush was just in town, I don’t think they are in Santa Fe now. Nevertheless, I have put out an all-points bulletin for law enforcement to be on the look out for politicians in favor of health care for the needy and against tax cuts for the wealthy.”

This editorial ran in the UA paper The Crimson White. I fear he may be absolutely correct. Sure, Price acted a fool in Florida. I’m not convinced others haven’t done far worse things, and I’m certainly not convinced that Price’s conduct is the actual reason he was shown the door. Big-time college atheletics is a morally ambiguous game from the get-go; for UA to suddenly decide it’s a moralizing institution is a bit of a stretch.

I’ve just discovered that you can download Jerry Clower records at the Apple iTunes music store.

When I Was Little: childhood and adulthood pictures as before-and-after. Cool.

By now we’ve all seen the idea of this particular parody, but sometimes good execution makes something funny all over again. (Quicktime, sound.)

The continuing sad saga of Coach of the Week at my once-mighty alma mater. Crack Nogators New York/Oceana Legal Correspondent A. P. provides this account of his alleged sins, and notes

I never get this kind of after-hours attention from the strip clubs I frequent.

On an even more surreal note, I offer the following headline from the Crimson White, UA’s student paper: [University President] Witt talks to Jesse Jackson as coaching search continues. Make of this what you will.

From The Onion’s coverage of the deadly Chicago Meatwave:

Meateorologists speculate that the deadly meatwave was caused by a stationary high-protein ridge extending along the shore of Lake Michigan. They fear that Milwaukee and Kansas City could be next.

Remember when we here at NoGators were always pointing you to soul-crushingly wrong things, like the 40-year-old Peter Pan freak, or Lego porn, lycra for dogs, or the (alas, long gone) animated cutup porn starring Kermit the Frog?

This is better.

Do you really even have to ASK if it’s work safe? C’mon, people.

The new iPods have a docking station with a line out jack (well, except for the little one, which doesn’t ship with the dock). This means all sorts of good things become much easier, including car mounts and stereo integration. Must. Have.

My alma mater is having coaching troubles, but at least the state picked a proper image for the commemorative quarter.

You probably know his tracts, but Robert Ito at LA Magazine actually tried to get an interview. He failed, but the story’s still interesting.

People save bunny. Bunny eat cables. People get rid of bunny.

Trapped hiker amputates his own arm, rapels, then hikes to safety.

The State Department thinks Canada has too much freedom. Add this to the new Loyalty Day proclamation issued from the White House, and things start to feel a little weird. Is the Two Minutes Hate far behind? (Yes, I know LD has been proclaimed by prior presidents; it’s still a little creepy, and creepier still coming from this guy.)

Finally, to complete the trifecta, go even further and note that the Administration is blocking the release of a 9/11 report presumably containing evidence that the whole thing could have been prevented if our existing guidelines had actually been followed:

At the center of the dispute is a more-than-800-page secret report prepared by a joint congressional inquiry detailing the intelligence and law-enforcement failures that preceded the attacks÷including provocative, if unheeded warnings, given President Bush and his top advisers during the summer of 2001.

Does anyone NOT think these three links represent problems?

Alabama lawmakers have voted — again! — to keep sex toys illegal.

Maybe you’re tired of hearing about this Goddamnned civil-liberaties-destroying law. I know I am. But this has got to STOP. Write your congressman. PATRIOT must be allowed to die, and PATRIOT-II must be aborted. All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. (Burke)

I’m sure this is meant to be funny. Or, at least, I hope it is — still, it misses so many points as to be laughable, and not in the way I suspect the author intended. He trots out the tired old “if you’re against the war, you must have forgotten about 9/11!” cannard, and populates his arguments with so many straw men as to constitute a fire hazard. The columnist didn’t write this “memo,” and tells us so in his closing lines: “I did not author the Peace Activist Etiquette memo, but I sincerely thank whoever did. This aside: Four members of my family are serving in this war. Don’t tell any of them it’s the ‘American way’ to insult your flag or country.”

Yes, that’s right: protesting a war is now “insulting” to our flag and our country. Again, could you possibly miss the point more?

An Imperial Star Destroyer, or Battlestar Galactica? This guy knows.

Sybase is marketing based on compliance with USA-PATRIOT.

Bush has issued a statement in support of Santorum.

This is pretty stunning. Administration officials have stated that the war never had anything to do with WMD, that instead the real casus belli was a desire to demonstrate American military power in a big, scary way in the wake of 9/11.

There you have it: “Surprise, surprise, the government lies.”

In other news, Presidential hopeful Bob Graham has pointed out that we’ve essentially abandoned Afghanistan. So much for nation-building. As I’ve said before, are we really about to make the same mistake again?

Welcome to Zombo.com. You can do anything at Zombo.com. Welcome. (Needs sound.)

Try this map game. Drag the country names to their locations in north Africa and the Middle East. We did okay until we got to the Stans.