No, really.

Alien in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies. It’s brand new today, so you may have to try several times before you get to see it.

Certain people insist on calling things like this to our attention. Warning: the link contains the answer to the musical question “what would you call an all-nude Judas Priest cover band?”

Why does Mike hate freedom?

Waxy.org finds for us a fun new web game: go to Amazon.com and look up some universally acclaimed work, like say Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue. Sort the customer ratings by “lowest first” and read what some slackjawed yokels have had to say. Hilarity ensues!

Perhaps the most bizarre comment Waxy finds is associated with John Coltrane’s A Love Supreme: “I think about Kenny G., for instance. His rythmic session is much more regular, whereas Coltrane’s session seems sometimes to loose the beat.” Er, right. (Predictable hilarity available also for films, books, etc.)

First, we have Penguin Blood Ninja Fiasco, which is a great little side-scroller complete with a pitch-perfect 80s Nintendo soundtrack. Get the GPL Updgrade balloon!

Second, a little bit of physics by way of Flash with Bow Man. Try to hit the other guy. Well done indeed, and sure to waste plenty of your time.

You bet your ass there are, l’il shaver. Try Achewood on for size. Here’s a particularly fine sample, taken completely out of context. Here’s another.

Use THE PHONE to travel from place to place. Oddly compelling Flash.

If you don’t think this is funny, well, then, clearly the terrorists have already won.

Heathen endorses neither Klown Erotica nor Stop Clown Porn Now!, instead preferring to sit on the sidelines and let them duke it out. Join us. Have a beer. It should be interesting.

But it’s pretty funny even if you don’t.

Dog Toy or Marital Aid?

Today, The Minor Fall, The Major Lift hits one out of the park. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Can’t understand us? They can translate for you here.

Because if it is, we’re pretty sure it applies to BloodyFingerMail.com.

Seriously. It’s worse than the Realdoll links. It’s worse than the bad music. It’s more offensive than any of the right-wing tomfoolery on here. You really don’t want to look at this. Seriously. I mean it.

But here it is anyway.

So what is it, pop or soda?

First, she gave us the Exorcist, and then the Shining, and now…

(Wait for it…)

Titanic. In 30 seconds. Re-enacted by bunnies.

While you’re there, don’t miss Amy’s Diary.

This Spanish Flash game involves trying to get a cow into a rest room, much to the consternation of the woman already there.

We blame Rob.

I mean, is it a urinal, or is it art?

Maybe both.

Our attention has been called to a job posting on Craigslist in New York, reproduced here due to its no-doubt fleeting nature.

Discerning businessman is seeking highly skilled puppeteer to provide sophisticated entertainment daily. Somewhat flexible hours, but must be willing to make a full-time commitment. You must possess:

• Excellent handwork
• Familiarity with marionette, stick and shadow puppets
• Ability to adapt to unusual puppets
• Subtle mastery of character

You can provide your own puppets if you wish, or you can choose from my wide selection of models. Especially seeking individuals in possession of 19th century marionettes or exotic east asian varieties. I have a reasonably sized stage (13′ x 10′) set up in my living room with a wide variety of vintage backdrops for many different stories. Serious inquiries only please. Email your resume with cover letter and photograph of puppets.

We should send Mohney to look into this.

Groove on over the PlayerAppreciate.com to get your Pimp Name, bitches.

The Cutie Bunch Friendly Pal Pack is not at all a children’s tale. Unless your children are particularly twisted.

It is, however, deeply funny.

Blogging has been derided as navel-gazing run amuck; if that’s the case, this is either its high point or low point: Bazima presents a sort of Harper’s index of her sexual history.

Well, theoretically, it’s a game — in perfect mid-80s console style — but it’s got the longest intro EVAR. Stick it out at least until Hulk Hogan, fat, unemployed He-Man, Mr. T, and R2-D2 team up to stop Bush, Cheney, and Voltron.

No, really. The first level boss is giant, robotic Tom Ridge. He has a duct tape gun. I couldn’t possibly make this up. It’s huge, and between fights the authors have included information on bits like the recession, the “surplus,” economic policy, the estate tax, stem cell research, etc.

Oh, and there’s a Hillary Duff Fingerbang sequence.

Here’s a map of Springfield, USA.

No, really, chocolate nipples.

How about some imaginary magazines?

Remember that punk-rock Quincy episode? These people do, and have video caps.

The Homestar Runner Wiki has all you need to know.

Twenty years ago, Andy Kaufman died. Maybe.

The Swearsaurus could prove useful, should we find ourselves needing to communicate saltily in, say, Albanian. (Via Tendentious.org.)

The Prizefight is perhaps the best example of this strange genre of taxidermy ever. It occurs to us that perhaps the Photoshop chimeras of a day or two ago are the modern equivalent, but without the need to disassemble actual animals to do it.

Frankly, we can’t believe this isn’t already listed here; we correct that oversight today by pointing out The Greatest Album Covers That Never Were, speculative takes on album art by a variety of artists. Erin will like this one in particular.

Rob calls our attention to The Infinite Cat Project. We’re planning on adding Bob.

None of these animals exist. Thank God.

You think we’re kidding? We shit you not.

EvilUrl.com, for all your URL-shortening needs.

DraftRegistration.us: it’s the law.

RING RING RING RING RING RING BANANAPHONE.

The Worm Within is a hilarious, if somewhat overly frank, account of what happens if you manage to acquire a tapeworm. In Belgium. Not that I think Belgium has any culpability here, mind you, odd menu choices aside.

The article has been widely blogged this week, I’ll admit; I cribbed it from Laura.

(Now: my father was a veterinarian; while he did treat dogs and cats similarly afflicted on a regular basis, I have no recollection of any event resembling the climax of this poor chap’s tale.)

You know what to do.

We haven’t played Kingdom of Loathing yet, but that’s only because we can’t decide what to name our Accordian Thief. Beware the Saber-toothed Lime!

Harmon Leon has written funny, funny shit for Might, the Wave, and others. Don’t miss his attempts to get fired from Jack in the Box.

Appalling Flatware for Sale. (Alternate link.)

We’ve been patient, and our patience has been rewarded.

AngryAlien.com presents The Shining in 30 Seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

How could we have overlooked the sublime madness of Crazy Drunk Guy?

How ’bout some Soviet lingerie? You know you want some.

Donald Rumsfeld’s New Fighting Techniques Are Unstoppable!

(Yeah, it’s been around for a while, but Rob said I should post it anyway.)

In New Zealand, you can buy possum fur nipple warmers.

We know what you’re thinking, though. “But Uncle Heathen, if I wear those, they won’t match my panties!” You’re fashion conscious. Of course you are. And you should be. Fortunately, the Kiwis have that covered, too.

(Links are to images only, since the website won’t allow bookmarks to specific products; the store link is here.)

Pootpoot poot poot “poot?” Poot!