…but how did they miss the fact that this video includes what amounts to a riff on “incarcerated person playing blues behind bars”?

Werner Herzog leaves a note for his cleaning lady.

Rosalina. Woman.

You constantly revile me with your singular lack of vision. Be aware, there is an essential truth and beauty in all things. From the death throes of a speared gazelle to the damaged smile of a freeway homeless. But that does not mean that the invisibility of something implies its lack of being. Though simpleton babies foolishly believe the person before them vanishes when they cover their eyes during a hateful game of peek-a-boo, this is a fallacy. And so it is that the unseen dusty build up that accumulates behind the DVD shelves in the rumpus room exists also. This is unacceptable.

There’s more. Go read the whole thing.

Homeopaths in their own words.

I don’t know for certain, but I’m assuming this is an example of Rule 34 being true for things I can’t even begin to articulate. SFW, oddly.

We sort of sat out the whole NyanCat thing — apparently, a phenom not unlike the old Leekspin — but, like Accordian Guy, we admit to finding NyanWaits oddly compelling.

Belt sander + giant stack of paper == oddly soothing experience.

Via MeFi.

Baby hippo likes swimming.

If you, like me, find yourself curious about hippos after his video, Wikipedia is of course a great destination. Therein you will learn, if you read far enough, that Pablo Escobar’s private animal collection included four hippos — animals that the Columbian government found logistically impossible to seize after the drug lord’s downfall, so they left them unattended on the estate. By 2007, the population had grown to 16, and is presumably larger still today. However implausible, it pleases me to think of the drug lord’s river horses spreading gradually northward, like the menacing killer bees of my youth.

Pure evil causes birth defects.

Someone has compiled a visual database of all the nipples on display at the Met.

Quit poking’ me. (Traditional)

One Tiny Hand is just what it says on the tin.

Otters who look like Benedict Cumberbatch.

In Australia, spiders flood YOU.

Japanese Bug Fights!!!! Now you can know, experimentally, whether a scorpion could beat a centipede in a fight.

Yes. Blood sport for bugs. We’re not kidding. Remember, proportionally speaking, these guys are WAY buffer than the MMA dudes.

THERAMIN BADGER.

(Widely linked.)

John Hinckley is upset that we only remember him as the guy who tried to kill Reagan.

This crow is snowboarding. No, really. Via MeFi.

Heathen nation, I give you the Kitten Covers.

This lizard likes playing Ant Crusher.

DEVASTATING EXPLOSIONS1!!!!!1!!!ONE

Two guys make up nonsense lists, swap them, and then seek assistance from Target employees finding said items.

Madcap hilarity ensues. Stay with it.

If you can’t get enough, the Greg’s unedited take and Ryan’s second try are also up there, but I think they got the cream in the main video.

The giant weta of New Zealand is the world’s largest insect. This one weights more than several mice.

This is apparently yet another example of the well-documented evolutionary phenomenon “shit gets big on islands.”

…here’s some video of a porcupine eating corn on the cob.

Behold, the brinicle, an icy finger of death. Seriously, it looks like Bobby Drake is killing starfish.

Over at vice.com, we find, via Agent Rob, the provacotively titled Coon Suit Riot, which must be seen to be believed.

SFW.

We covered this before, but now iO9 has noted the subset of mythical monster tragedies you should definitely check out.

You have 4 minutes. Go watch Jon Dore and Rory Scovel on Conan.

There’s a delightfully odd web series of which I’ve just become aware called 7 Minutes in Heaven, in which host Mike O’Brien does a brief interview with some nominally famous (and typically funny) person inside a closet — i.e., in the style of the teen party game of the same name.

Certain Heathen tribe members — e.g., those involved perhaps in personal training or nonprofit accounting, and certainly Mrs Heathen herself — may find the Christina Ricci episode amusing due to a certain tic she exhibits.

Metafilter has more. Don’t miss Patrica Clarkson.

Just watch. SFW.

The Markov Bible is delightful.

(Relevant.)

Things could be worse. For example: #172, Lungfish foreclosure.

This dude has six normally formed and usable fingers. On each hand. Oh, and six toes on each foot.

His pals call him “Veinticuatro”.

Tumblr seems to have found its best use case in single-serving sites specializing in themed pictures of one kind or another.

The best ones are absurd, like these:

• Michael Buble Being Stalked By A Velociraptor; and
• Lions with Jobs, which is sadly quite short so far.

At least you don’t have to clean out the cobra pit, right?

Now that I know what a paternoster is, I may have to reconsider my long-held position that escalators are the coolest way to move between floors. I mean, just look.

Onion: New Study Shows People With Panic Disorders Respond Poorly To Being Locked In Underwater Elevators:

NEW HAVEN, CT — A study published Monday in the Journal Of Abnormal Psychology found that individuals who suffer from panic disorder react negatively to being locked in underwater elevators for indefinite periods of time.

According to Dr. Samuel Lepore, who led the Yale University study, test subjects suffering from the disorder experienced full-on panic attacks as soon as the elevators shuddered to a halt, and they exhibited symptoms such as chest pain, shortness of breath, and numbness in the extremities when it became apparent the car was stuck and the emergency call button didn’t work.

“Given the results, we can now say conclusively that people who suffer from severe anxiety dislike being trapped in small boxes hundreds of feet under water,” said Lepore, who logged more than a thousand hours of clinical study on the subject. “In fact, our research suggests that it makes said individuals experience extreme discomfort with almost no degree of relief.”

“Furthermore, statistics showed their displeasure increased exponentially every hour we kept them locked in there,” Lepore continued.

Or, at least, you will after you (try to) play Icebreaker. (Via MeFi.)

Declare It Art is completely frigging brilliant. This one may be my favorite.

Onion: “Iraq, Kentucky Vie for World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy“

If you’ve seen this “So pitted” surfer interview, you should really also see the remix.

(Via Mefi.)

There’s really not much to say about the whole idea of an apparently unironic 9/11 Chess Set, is there?

Everyone appears to think this video of a baby watching a lion in a zoo is adorable, but I’m pretty sure that lion would like it a lot better if he could just eat the little buggar.

From our far-flung correspondents; there is so much to love about this:

HOQUIAM, Wash.(AP) — Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into a Hoquiam apartment and assaulted a man.

The victim asked, “Why are you carrying a weasel?” Police said the attacker said, “It’s not a weasel, it’s a martin,” then punched him in the nose and fled.

The attacker was apparently looking for his girlfriend and had gone to her former boyfriend’s apartment Monday night where the victim was a guest.

KXRO reports he left carcass behind.

Police later found the suspect arguing with his girlfriend at another location and arrested the 33-year-old Hoquiam man after a fight.

He said he had found the martin dead near Hoquiam, but police don’t know why he carried it with him.

A martin is a member of the weasel family.

Some men, it appears, have squirrels for hands.

Via MeFi, we find this charming footage of a budgie playing with a tennis ball.

In England, there’s an abandoned ballroom under a lake built in the late 1900s.

Somewhere, there’s a steampunk kid having a conniption at the very thought of it. Check out the pics, as it’s just as awesome as you — and he — might imagine.

“Kansas City Ape Owners Must Pay for Rampage, Judge Rules“

“How to prepare for a pet octopus“

Mike Nix posted this on his Facebook wall. As much as I’d like to assert that he is the little boy born in 1962 whose fondest dream was to own a monkey, that is not the case. It is this man:

(Yes, that man is for real.)