We think there are plenty of examples of how fucked government is, but this example in particular shows the capricious and absurd nature of discretionary law enforcement. Precis? Internet fact-checker Snopes can’t give a straight answer on whether brackets around your plate are legal or not in Texas because several local law enforcement agencies in our fine state seem to enjoy being dicks about a statute that’s clearly aimed at something else (e.g., anti-camera screens and such for EZPass scofflaws), but is worded in a way that allows them to decide all decorative brackets are illegal.

Yes, Heathen got a ticket today. Yes, we were speeding. We don’t have a problem with that — it’s been a while; we’ll either get a ticket lawyer or take defensive driving. Big deal. The bullshit factor entered the equation when the cop wrote a ticket for “obstructed plate” because of the aforementioned vague law that, apparently HPD has decided to be jackasses about, and never mind legislative intent. Our plate number is absolutely crystal clear, and there’s also no doubt what state the plate comes from.

The real kicker: the cop pointed out that all I had to do was take off the bracket and the charge will be dismissed, so he knew he was writing a ticket for no good reason. This means HPD is issuing worthless paper as a policy, presumably for their own amusement, and they’re doing so based on a deliberately incorrect interpretation of the law.

The Houston Press weighed in on this governmental brilliance a few months back:

A Houston Press employee found out the hard way recently that Houston police are still giving out tickets for having a frame around your license plate.

Three years ago, a new, broadly written state law prohibited frames that obscured the readability of license plates. Car dealers then came up with new, smaller frames, but even if the only thing that’s obscured is the bottom half of “The Lone Star State,” you’re getting ticketed for it if HPD pulls you over for a more major violation.

“We tried to get them to be a little more bending on it and understanding,” says Walter Wainwright, president of the Houston Automobile Dealers Association.

Adding to the pointlessness is the fact that if you remove the frame after getting ticketed, the city will waive the $120 fine. And they pretty much assume you’ll do it; most prosecutors often don’t require a photo of the newly nude plate.

Which is fine for traffic-ticket lawyers. “I’d rather have a speeding case with an obstructed plate than just a plain speeding case,” says Robert Eutsler. “Because if you came to me with a plain speeding case and we got it dismissed, but you still had to pay money [for court costs], you may not be all that happy with my services…You can get the non-moving violation dismissed for free if you do probation for the speeding, so [a client] thinks, ‘Oh, I don’t have to pay that $120 fine on the obscured plate.'”

A ticket that almost never results in a fine — there’s got to be some point to it beyond making lawyers seem efficient, but damned if we know what it is.

And people wonder why we have a crime problem.

Does this sidebar copy bother anyone else?

We know that some collective nouns are treated singularly in American English (as opposed to British English, which would turn our “Enron is a bunch of jackasses” into “Enron are a bunch of jackasses”), but when a band name itself is plural, we’re pretty sure the verb needs to be plural, too. Of course, we’re not professional journalists or anything.

Check out what happens now that we’re so fancy that cars need to be “rebooted” sometimes.

Never have we been so pleased about our primitive automobile. We don’t even have a radiator.

From that fishwrapper we call a paper:

So, some vile, evil fucks are set to destroy the coolest movie theater in Houston so they can build some anonymous bullshit retail center. People aren’t happy. If you ever loved the River Oaks Theater, go sign this petition. It may not do any good, but at least it’s something.

If you live in town, too, call the Mayor’s office. That may not do any good, either, but it’s sure worth your time to try. The number there is 713-247-2200.

The Greater Houston Preservation Alliance has addresses and such for both the realty people (Weingarten) and the planned tennent (Barnes and Noble); take the time to write a letter if you can.

Or is on its way, anyway. It’ll be remounted for the weekend of August 10,11,12, with a possible extension after that. DO NOT MISS THIS SHOW. IBP’s already had raves from the Chronicle, the Press, and the NEW YORK FUCKING TIMES. Make the call. Get reservations now; they won’t last long. 713-522-8443

So, we keep talking about the IBP show and how awesome it is, and in doing so it was all but impossible to keep a secret we’ve been sitting on since last weekend:

The New York Times came to see us, and there’s a feature in the paper today.

Check it out. (That’s a local copy, since NYT is all about link rot online; original here.)

Look. To paraphrase Billy Joe Shaver, if you haven’t seen IBP’s Speeding Motorcycle yet, you’re just crazy as hell. It’s an original rock opera created in collaboration with Daniel Johnston, and it’s just about the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen on any stage ever. People leave the show beaming with joy. It’s a special moment for Houston in general; given all the press and attention Daniel’s gotten in the last year or two, it’s a real feather in Houston’s collective artistic cap to have this world premier happening here. I can’t believe I get to have my name in this show’s program; I’m not really this cool, but IBP certainly is.

This past weekend, I took a little camera with me. I’m hoping David can take a few better ones this weekend, but for now these will have to do.

The show runs through the 24th. Because of logistics, there’s really no way it can be extended. Mrs Heathen and I have already been 4 times, plus the impromptu “abridged” performance at Rudz on Memorial Day. It’s that good. Seriously. Do yourself a favor and check it out. Thank me later.

Speeding Motorcycle is getting raves, and rightly so. It runs though 6/24 only, however, so you need to make reservations soon, especially for the Saturday shows, though they’re all selling out at this point.

You can listen to an interview with director Jason Nodler here, over at KUHF. Check it out.

Our friends at Infernal Bridegroom Productions have been working with Daniel Johnston for a year or more on an original rock opera based on his songs. Last night was the preview party, and let us tell you just how incredible it is: Wow. Mrs Heathen and I were taken aback, and we’re not easily stunned. It’s solid and beautiful and amazing.

Do not miss this. It runs Fridays and Saturdays through June 24 ($15). Go quickly, though, as you may want to see it again. We do. Call 713 522 8443 for reservations.

Have a look at Hot Town Cool City, a film about the hidden gems of Houston life. There’s a trailer on the web site.

Perhaps you’d consider pledging it to The Hurtt Prize, dedicated to catching Houston top cop Harold Hurtt doing something — anything — illegal. After all, this is the jackass who said “If you are not doing anything wrong, why should you worry about it” when asked about his proposals for more pervasive police surveillance in Houston.

Last night, we enjoyed both Billy Joe Shaver (at a Kinky Friedman for Governor fundraiser) and Grandmaster Flash (at the final installment of Beats for Basquiat at the Museum of Fine Arts).

Today, we went to a neighborhood thai place for lunch that happens to be next door to a store subtly named “Erotic Cabaret Boutique,” which sells more or less what you’d expect, though it’s primarily confined to wearable items and does most of its trade, I’m told, to the dancer demographic.

Anyway, it being nearly Valentine’s Day, their window mannequins were dressed (or undressed) for the season. There was a naughty nurse, natch, and a sort of sexy fairy godmother getup, and then, on the end and in front of my parking place, a fairly simple hearts-and-lace bra and panty set.

With a blindfold. Ok, that’s cool.

And a paddle. Even better!

And a sock monkey.

As a fundraiser for his gubanatorial campaign, Kinky Friedman is selling signed action figures.

Comes with hat and cigar. Puppet head and case of Lone Star, presumably, sold separately.

As of 2:33PM today, it’s only 37 degrees. In HOUSTON.

The Chronicle review is out, reproduced in its entirety here for ease of reading:

Full Circle reveals moments of genius
By EVERETT EVANS
Copyright 2005 Houston Chronicle
Infernal Bridegroom Productions’ lively and provocative Houston premiere of Charles Mee’s Full Circle marks the first time one of Mee’s works has been staged in Houston. So this IBP outing is doubly worthwhile, for the play itself and as an introduction to a noteworthy contemporary playwright. Mee’s plays have been described as “blueprints for events.” He bases them on earlier works, from Euripides’ Orestes to Gorky’s The Lower Depths. But Mee doesn’t write adaptations. He tosses essentials of pre-existing works into the Cuisinart of his imagination, mixing in new ideas and characters, fictional and historical. Full Circle typifies his technique. Based on Brecht’s The Caucasian Chalk Circle (and the 14th-century Chinese play that was Brecht’s original source), Full Circle retains the tale of a peasant woman fighting to keep the baby she has cared for, against the wishes of the child’s neglectful birth mother. But Mee intertwines this plot with the saga of American socialite Pamela Dalrymple (based on real-life socialite Pamela Harriman), who is in East Berlin attending a performance by the Berliner Ensemble when revolution breaks out and the Berlin Wall comes crashing down. Pamela has stepped out of the audience to become embroiled in a discussion of art and politics with Berliner Ensemble director Heiner Muller and his cast when the frenzy outside their theater overtakes them. Erich Honecker, head of East Germany’s communist regime, flees with his wife, who leaves her baby in the arms of hapless student revolutionary Dulle Griet (a figure Mee has imported from Dutch folklore and the paintings of Pieter Bruegel the Elder!). Kindhearted Pamela takes Dulle Griet and the baby under her wing, and they flee from officers determined to confiscate the infant (apparently fearing Honecker’s heir somehow will lead to continuity of his regime). In their picaresque adventures, the women keep crossing paths with American tycoon Warren (based on Warren Buffett), who becomes Pamela’s love interest. Mee has written that he does not care for the traditional “well-made play” and well-made Full Circle certainly ain’t. It’s unwieldly, often slap-dash, sometimes self-indulgent. It’s also spottily brilliant, full of originality, surprises, mordant satire, pungent absurdity and feeling. I don’t mind a play that tries my patience a bit here and there, as long as it pays off — as Full Circle does time and again. Director Anthony Barilla captures the work’s freewheeling spirit and questioning irreverence in a deftly paced, vividly staged production. A scene in which Pamela and Dulle Griet teeter across a perilous rope bridge, represented by two lengths of rope held by extras, demonstrates just how much suspense Barilla and his cast can summon through skilled use of a simple device. Tek Wilson, whom longtime Houston theater goers will remember as a mainstay of Stages’ early seasons, does her best work with a delightful portrayal of Pamela, seemingly superficial and lah-di-dah, yet revealing layers of warmth, wit, compassion and surprising resourcefulness. A.J. Ware’s wise, caring and resilient Dulle Griet represents an earthier sort of womanhood. Paul Locklear is inspired and mercurial as Heiner Muller, especially in a marathon monologue that dares us to decide it has overstayed its welcome, but keeps redeeming itself with unexpected insights. Locklear’s delivery is a triumph of sardonic brinkmanship. Tamarie Cooper is delectably rotten as the child’s real mother. Jeff Miller makes a droll yet somehow sensible Warren, absurdly spouting optimistic aphorisms. Indeed, everyone in IBP’s busy troupe comes through with banners flying. With direction and acting that enter wholeheartedly into the revolutionary spirit of Mee’s unique material, Full Circle emerges as IBP’s strongest all-around effort since its memorable 2003 mounting of Ionesco’s Rhinoceros.

Last night, Mrs Heathen and I took in the preview for IBP’s newest production, “Full Circle,” by Chalres Mee.

You really gotta see this thing. It’s fucking brilliant, almost “Medea”-level great. Certainly better than any other show you might consider seeing in Houston. To the best of our knowledge, this is the first production of Mee’s work in Houston, so you’ll also be ahead of the art curve by coming to see it. Some other fine bits:

• Actors speaking hilariously awful fake Chinese;
• A revolving stage (no, really);
• Marxism (the Karl kind; it takes place during the fall of the Berlin Wall);
• Marxism (the Groucho kind; the cops are hilarious);
• Literal translations of Beatles songs;
• Gratuitous use of Journey songs;

PLUS THREE LIVE BOOBS!

We’re not kidding – and all for FIFTEEN BUCKS. What’s not to love?

Logistics:
FULL CIRCLE by Charles Mee,
presented by Infernal Bridegroom Productions at The Axiom (2425 McKinney)
Opening Night Thursday, November 17 — for only $5.99!
Fridays & Saturdays through 12/17, plus a pay-what-you-want on Monday 12/5.
RESERVATIONS 713 522 8443

Look, voting’s about to happen. Let me make this very, very clear:

VOTE.

And, more importantly, if you’re in Texas:

VOTE NO ON PROP 2.

If you vote for this abomination, you’re no friend of mine.

Via TBogg:

I’m didn’t really care much one way or the other who won the World Series (although I did get a charge out of watching George H.W. and Barbara Bush witness something even more disappointing than their children)…

It’s worth pointing out that the Astros can be more or less relied upon to disappoint.

If I were a betting man, I’d probably put money behind them continuing their 45-year streak of not appearing in the World Series.

The annual Houston Press Best of Houston is out (though their web treatment is nearly useless), and Infernal Bridegroom rocks as always:

• Best Original Show: Tamalalia 10 at IBP
• Best Performance Space: The Axiom
• Best Director: Charlie Scott for Medea at IBP
• Best Production: Medea at IBP

In addition, our dear friends and associates walked away with four others:

• Best Microcinema: Aurora Picture Show
• Best Art Show: Thought Crimes at DiverseWorks
• Best Modern Dance Company: Suchu Dance
• Best Political Art Exhibit: Thought Crimes at DiverseWorks

Awesome!

My friend Richard was badly injured Monday night.

Richard is one of the original Infernal Bridegroom people. He’s been, I think, in every Tamalalia, which is quite a distinction. Most recently, he’s been known and loved as a ballet-esque dancing anthropamorphized representation of Bacon in “Tamalalia 8: Tamarie Makes It Big” and the reprisal of the same number this summer in “Tamalalia X.” He’s also a landlord, and has been dabbling in property ownership for as long as I’ve known him. One of the properties for which he is responsible — via long-term lease, not ownership — is IBP’s home, the Axiom.

Rita hit the Axiom harder than most of Houston. The building itself did pretty well, but the patio was another story. The fence was destroyed, and trees were damaged, including one large tree essentially split in half. The IBP staff took care of most of the clean-up, but asked Richard to hire a pro to come take care of the big tree.

That’s when Richard, God love him, did something surprisingly dense. He went down to the Axiom alone, at night, with a ladder and a chainsaw, and using only the light from his car’s headlights, went to work. And slipped. And fell. Thank God the chainsaw lodged in the tree, but Richard fell off the ladder onto his hands, and ended up smashing the bones in his wrists and hands pretty damned thoroughly.

Alone and unable to get to his cell phone in his pocket, he somehow managed to drive to a hospital. I’m told he used his knees and ran every red light he could in an attempt to attract help via a traffic stop, but no dice. At the hospital, he couldn’t open his door, so he banged his head against his car window until someone came to help.

He’s had surgery already. He’s got a long recovery road ahead of him, obviously, and that’s where it gets ugly: Richard is self-employed, and has no health insurance.

IBP is rallying around him — he is one of our own, obviously — but none of us are rich. The Houston arts and performance community will, I’m sure, join this rally — I’m told that Fresharts and Diverseworks have already contacted their memberships, or will very soon. There will be a benefit show/concert/party in the very near future, once we know what the goal figure is; watch this space for information about when and where. If you feel moved to kick the poor guy a few bucks, though, don’t let lack of organization stop you: IBP is holding donations for him. Just send ’em to Richard Lyders Fund, c/o Infernal Bridegroom Productions, PO Box 131004, Houston, TX, 77219-1004.

The Astros game is blacked out since, you know, it probably didn’t sell out. On account of the hurricane.

There’s a post at BoingBoing wherein a reader in Houston states that he’ll be at Fitzgerald’s during the storm:

I am currently in the Heights in Houston, which is at the highest elevation in the city; about 50 to 60 feet above sea level. I’m still not sure if I’ll evacuate. If not, I’ll be at Fitzgerald’s on White Oak Drive, which is a very strongly built building that has weathered several strong hurricanes and has never flooded.

Um, we’ve been in Fitz. You can see the outside from the inside thanks to shoddy construction and holes in the walls. While we’re pretty sure we’re safe at Heathen HQ, we’re unsure about entering Fitz when there’s no wind at all, let alone a hurricane.

(or: How to Tell Everyone You’ll Be Just Fine)

The major theme of this morning has been “people have no idea how big Houston is, or where urban Houston is relative to the Gulf, and consequently fear the country’s 4th largest metro area is in danger of being Katrina-ized by Rita.” Let’s clear things up a bit.

• While Galveston is part of metro Houston, the island is easily 60 or so miles due south of downtown. Houston is big.
• Which brings up the other point: Galveston is an island. I think they evacuate for Category 2 if not 1.
• The mainland areas being evacuated are all near the gulf or the large inland bay/lake called Clear Lake (it’s not, FYI). That makes them vulnerable to the storm surge.

Put simply:

<

p class=”center” style=”font-weight: bold;”> WIND is not the evacuation driver.
People flee the SURGE,
and we’re a long-ass way from that.

It’ll take more than a Category 4 to force an evacuation of urban Houston. In fact, according to the evacuation planning map, not even a Category 5 storm does it (on the map, Heathen World HQ is under the I-45 icon at the center). All the areas named in the Chronicle story are pretty far away from our home and my office, both of which are near downtown and therefore very far away from even a Katrina-sized surge.

There are areas in urban Houston that are prone to flooding, and they get water every now and then — and may well as a consequence of this storm — but they’re known to be low, so this surprises no one. They abut bayous or the drainage system, e.g. The vast majority of Houston stays very dry — no one in my neighborhood, for example, had water during Allison in 2001. Allison was only a tropical storm, but she moved slowly and came on the heels of a very wet month; there was nowhere for the water to go. This summer, on the other hand, has been pretty dry (VERY dry lately, in fact).

It’ll get windy. Some trees may fall. Some streets will flood, some fools will try to drive in it, and some people may die through foolishness or bad luck. But Erin and I aren’t planning on going anywhere. Hell, we’ve got a party on Saturday.

Now: where’d I put the rum?

Anybody in Houston know a good real estate buyer’s agent in Houston? The Heathen know someone who needs a good agent to help with a first-time-purchase, $120K range. Comment or email.

Astroworld is closing.

On Saturday night, in addition to seeing the final performance of the final edition of Houston’s favorite musical comedy, we attended a fundraiser for Spacetaker, Houston’s best online arts resource. (Fair disclosure: we wrote the back-end code for Spacetaker, and serve informally as chief technical advisor — but we wouldn’t do that if we didn’t think it was awesome.)

The fundraiser was at the home of Lester Marks, perhaps Houston’s most prominent living art collector. His home is essentially a gallery; a huge percentage of the space is given over to art installations. A Basquiat hangs over the fireplace; a Dan Flavin installation adorns an upstairs corner. There were several Joseph Cornell boxes on the walls. That’s just the beginning.

On the wall next to the kitchen, though, were these two quotes. We think they say volumes, so we wrote them down.

First, this from Glen Gould:

The purpose of art is not the release of a momentary ejection of adrenaline but rather the gradual, lifelong construction of a state of wonder and serenity

And this, from Dominique de Menil, perhaps Houston’s all-time champion art collector:

Stored away, objects remain inert. Art of the past, like art of the present, needs attention and love to become alive. We are familiar, by now, with the famous statement of Mark Rothko: “Art lives by companionship.”

Yes. And thank God for people like Mr Marks, who have the means and the passion to patronize local and regional artists, and then open their homes for events like this. And thank God in particular for the whole idea of Art in the wake of events like those of the last week or so. Art lifts spirits, challenges ideas, fuels dreams, and reminds us of beauty and the pursuit thereof. Art enriches us all. It won’t save anyone from a Ninth Ward rooftop all by itself, but it is part of what makes any human place worth protecting and rebuilding, especially one as steeped in it as New Orleans or the Mississippi Coast.

Go see the final Tamalalia. Don’t believe me? Ask Everett.

Ok, sure: I am the president of IBP. But I have that role because I’ve been a volunteer and supporter for years; I like what they do, and think you might, too. This isn’t pure boosterism. It’s worth your time. Tamarie has created Houston’s only original musical series, and she’s done it for ten years. Check it out.

This weekend is all sold out, but remaining dates are: 8pm on July 28, 29, 30; August 4, 5, 6, 11, 12, 13, 18, 19, 20, 25, 26, 27, September 1, 2, 3; also late-night 10:30 shows on July 30 and August 6, 20, and 27. Tickets are $10 to $17. For an additional ten bucks, on Fridays at 10:30 you can pick up on Miss Lily’s Drunken Lodge Hall Revue on the cabaret stage and make an evening of it. All performaces at the Axiom, 2524 McKinney, +713 522 8443.

Walt Zipprian IS JW REDUX. Think of it as a revival.

(For fans of Leopard Boy, we also have this.)

Spacetaker now has a gallery up of pictures from Infernal Bridegroom’s Medea.

See this play. My friends at IBP have staged the best goddamn Medea you’ll ever see, as God is my witness. I’ve seen it twice already, and I’ll see it at least twice more. It’s fucking AWESOME; it may be the best thing they’ve ever done, and we’re talking about a group over a decade old with a cover of American Theater to their credit already.

See. This. Play.

Twinemen are playing at Super Happy Fun Land on Friday. They are the band the surviving members of Morphine formed after the 1999 onstage death of Mark Sandman.

The Medicine Show went walkabout.

Heathen HQ in Houston, TX, had the closest thing it’ll ever get to a white Christmas yesterday and today.

Snow. In Houston. A friend called me from Galveston yesterday to report flurries there; otherwise fish-worthy Houston Chronicle has more:

In Galveston, Nikkie Guidry, 25, ran outside the San Luis Hotel where she was working so she could frolic in the falling snow. “I just stood out there and started screaming,” said Guidry, who is from the Caribbean Islands. “I couldn’t believe it. I started thinking, ‘Oh my God, it’s snowing in Galveston. How weird is that?’ ”

The Weather Channel notes that Galveston got FOUR INCHES. Corpus got more snow in a 12 hour period than it got in the last 70-odd years combined. Of course, we’re a few hundred miles northeast of Houston, with no flurries in sight.

(Photo of Deepak Gautam with his first snowball by Craig H. Hartley from the Chron site.)

Heflin lost his bid to return to the State House. By “lost” we mean “lost the count AND the recount.” So, because we live in a country ruled by laws, he stepped aside.

No, of course, not. Heflin is a Republican, so he’s contesting the election in the GOP-dominated Texas House, where the Speaker has already stated that the winner, Democrat Hubert Vo, will never be seated in “his” House.

We already noted that complete lack of secret catacomb clubs, but now we have to accept the fact that we not only don’t have a secret-agent themed restaurant/nightclub, but Milwaukee does: the Safehouse. Sigh.

A wholesale lack of secret movie theater/restaurant/bar facilities in the catacombs under the city.

What were those damned Allen brothers thinking, anyway?

Houston finally gets an official, sanctioned dog park, and (1) they put it out in west hell and (2) they name it after some Bush bitch.

Infernal Bridegroom opens Eugene Ionesco’s Rhinoceros tonight; you should go see it.

Ionesco’s absurdist riff on conformity, alienation, and, well, pachyderms is an awful lot of fun to watch. Really, what’s not to like about people turning into rhinos? This production is the first dramatic piece directed by IBP founding member Tamarie Cooper, and she’s done a fine, fine job. Troy Schulze and Kyle Sturdivant turn in truly standout performances, but the whole cast is strong in material that’s not by any stretch easy. It’s well worth your time; I promise it’s not too weird.

Shows happen at 8:00 Thursday ($10), Friday ($12), and Saturday ($15) nights through December 13 (no show on Thanksgiving). The special opening-weekend rate, good only on the 21st and 22nd, is $5.99; you can’t beat that.

The Axiom is at 2524 McKinney, behind/east of George R. Brown Convention Center. For reservations, call IBP at (713) 522-8443.

Infernal Bridegroom Productions begins its 2003-2004 season with the world premiere Jerry’s World on September 25. The show is based on the work of radio personality Joe Frank; Harry Shearer once described Frank’s work as “a fist coming through the radio,” so I’m pretty excited. Not about fists per se, of course, but about what this company will do with this material. IBP Associate Artistic Director Troy Schulze has adapated Frank’s material for the stage, so I’ve got high hopes — he did an adaptation of David Berman’s work last year that was amazing.

The Point? Oh yes. Come with us on opening night, or go on your own. The salient data:

What? Jerry’s World<br/> When? 9/25, 26, 27; 10/2, 3, 4, 9, 10, 11, 16, 17, 18. All at 8pm.<br/> Where? The Axiom at 2524 McKinney, behind (east of) George R. Brown<br/> How Much? $5.99 for the September shows; thereafter, ten bucks on Thursdays, twelve on Fridays, and fifteen clams on Saturday nights. <br/> Do I need reservations? Probably. Call ’em at 713-522-8443.<br/>