The Onion turns 25 today, which is sort of amazing.

The first Heathen link there? Amazingly, from January of 2001, it was to this horribly prescient story: “Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity Is Finally Over’.”

“My fellow Americans,” Bush said, “at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us.”

Bush swore to do “everything in [his] power” to undo the damage wrought by Clinton’s two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

[…]

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.

Again, from January of 2001. Almost not funny, huh?

Japanese pranking technology is clearly decades ahead of ours.

Thanks, Obama.

For some reason I resisted checking out Colbert’s Daft Punk bit, but I finally succumbed. Holy crap is it delightful. The cameos are just totally off the chain.

The booth killed me, btw.

The best site on the then-young Internet of the late 1990s was, undeniably, Suck.com. Full of snark and verve and piss and vinegar, the single column of text on that proto-blog pulled no punches. So enamored was I of their wit that, frequently, I’d copy bits into a text file to save for posterity.

Here is one such bit, now almost old enough to drive, from a file that came up in an unrelated search on my laptop today:

When children have no access to narrative except through the unfettered imaginations of account executives and copywriters, they become even more attuned than their elders to the machinations of the culture around them. We’ve set the stage for a generation that will never ever feel betrayed by sell-out because the sale is all they know. The good news? A 2010 Rage Against the Machine comeback tour is unlikely.

Suck, 11 August 1997, which is (astonishingly) still online

Sadly, well, it turns out they were wrong:

The Rage Against the Machine Reunion Tour was a concert tour by Rage Against the Machine from 2007 to 2011. It was the first tour for the band since they broke up in 2000.

Sigh.

Here’s how you know who Fox is, and what’s wrong with the “normal” media:

The Daily Show also interviewed Aslan about his book, and the discussion was deep, wide-ranging, and substantive. The Daily Show. On Comedy Central, which is not, as you probably know, a news station.

Stay with it; Aslan gets the “extended web interview” treatment to allow for a deeper conversation about the history of Christianity, about the historical Jesus, about his place in his time, etc. It’s fascinating.

Go and watch, and for God’s sake stay through the patch.

Stephen Colbert eulogizes his mother, who died last week at 92.

It may sound greedy to want more days with a person who lived so long, but the fact that my mother was 92 does not diminish — it only magnifies! — the enormity of the room whose door has now quietly shut.

If your eyes are dry, I’m not sure I wanna know you.

Colbert, like us here at Heathen, has long been a fan and supporter of that “Kickstarter of philanthropy,” Donors Choose. DC is our “go-to” gift of choice for the severalness of folks in our lives who quite honestly don’t need another gee-gaw to commemorate another trip around the sun. It might be nice, gentle Heathen, to drop a little money in their bucket in honor of the late Mrs Colbert, seeing as how she clearly did a damned fine job with her boy Stephen.

Maybe.

Despite his public insistence to the contrary, it seems pretty clear that this exchange between local anchor Jim Ryan and geriatric reporter Dick Oliver at NYC station WNYW had something to do with it.

We’ve joked for years that the NSA was reading your mail, but it turns out they really are — and your providers are helping them.

PRISM is complete bullshit, and must stop.

The Times today, in reaction, echoes something I said after Bush’s power grabs: no Executive ever gave up power. Bush did lasting damage that subsequent presidents won’t undo:

“The administration has now lost all credibility,” the Times’ editors write. “Mr. Obama is proving the truism that the executive will use any power it is given and very likely abuse it. That is one reason we have long argued that the Patriot Act, enacted in the heat of fear after the 9/11 attacks by members of Congress who mostly had not even read it, was reckless in its assignment of unnecessary and overbroad surveillance powers.”

More from The Verge; providers allowing the NSA unfettered and direct back-end access without proper warrants (the only court oversight is, of course, a secret court) include Microsoft, Facebook, Apple, Google, and Skype. AOL, too, which is kind of adorable. Dropbox is said to be joining the program soon.

These companies, when asked for comment today, are denying their participation — but one would do well to recall that even Senators could not discuss the program before due to legal prohibitions. It’s entirely possible that the PR flacks speaking for Microsoft, Apple, etc., either don’t know, or are legally enjoined for speaking truthfully. (It’s certainly well-known that PR folks can live without souls, so this is hardly surprising.)

Ever want to watch Wikipedia being edited in real time?

The Vulture has a supercut of what is apparently every impression he did during his tenure on SNL.

This is really completely amazing.

WSJ board member Dorothy Rabinowitz shakes her cane about the new bicycling menace in New York.

Saturday was the acknowledged swan song for SNL favorite Bill Hader, who got a great send-off via his Stefon character wedding (“This wedding had everything — German Smurfs, human fire hydrants, Furkles, Black George Washington, puppets in disguise, HoboCops, Jewpids, infamous gay running back Blowjay Simpson, Gizblow the coked-up Gremlin, a screaming geisha, Hannukah cartoon character Menorah the Explorer, DJ Baby Bok Choy, Ben Affleck…“) but what got less press was that Jason Sudeikis and Fred Armisen are also almost certainly leaving.

The final sketch on Saturday was a return of Armisen’s “Ian Rubbish” punk character, together with his ersatz band — most of which were also making their exits. Sudeikis played drums and Hader played bass; only second guitarist Taran Killam is expected back for the 39th season.

The tune, a lovely happy little number (all punk trappings aside) grew in charm as special guests joined the band on stage — first Armisen’s Portlandia partner and Sleater-Kinney vet Carrie Brownstein, then the Sex Pistols’ Steve Jones, then Dinosaur Jr’s J. Mascis and KIM FUCKING GORDON, and finally Aimee Mann and Michael Penn.

It was lovely. Watch here if you have a couple minutes, and note the inscription on Armisen’s guitar strap — which to my mind kind of settles the question of Armisen’s intentions.

Bitter, dejected, and fundamentally unsuccessful writer Robert Clark Young has had a pretty bad couple of weeks, and it couldn’t happen to a better asshole.

Young came to my attention first several years ago when he was instrumental in the derailing of a friend of mine’s career over false allegations that my friend stole work from another author. Brad had written an award-winning book, and was set to begin a tenure-track career at Mississippi State when this whole thing hit. Despite clear evidence he intended no wrongdoing and no small amount of support from the actual literary community, his book was pulped and his job offer rescinded. Watching this happen to a very talented friend was really, really awful. (The book was eventually republished — which tells you all you need to know about the plagiarism allegations — and you should read it, because it’s fantastic.)

Young was off my radar for a few years, until this spring. Remember that scandal about female writers having their articles on Wikipedia moved out of the “American Novelists” category and into the “American Women Novelists” category? The writer Amanda Filipacchi wrote about it for the New York Times, which shed a great deal of light on the normally fairly obscure process of Wikipedia editing. She had her article at Wikipedia vandalized and trivialized for her trouble — largely by a pseudonymous editor named “Qworty”.

It turns out Qworty had a host of “revenge edits” to his credit, frequently sliming writers he, for some reason, didn’t care for — including literary giant Barry Hannah, a mentor of Vice’s. When taken in toto, it became clear that the “list of writers Qworty hates” was overwhelming similar to the list of writers Robert Clark Young is known for hating. Imagine that.

The first link contains Salon’s rundown of the whole affair. The second is a drier but no less interesting discussion at a sort of ombudsman site about Wikipedia itself. Read both, and join me in the schadenfreude. Young has no job offer to rescind or recent book to pulp or awards to withdraw, so we’ll just have to content ourselves with the public shaming of a deeply creepy and vindictive jackass.

I’ll take it.

This is my new ringtone for certain people.

Behold, his amazing 911 call, via Agent Rob.

I say this as someone who, generally speaking and despite an enjoyment of Mad Men, agrees with Bill Hicks about advertising, but this new Audi spot featuring old Spock and new Spock is a thing of utter beauty that should be enjoyed forever.

The Census Bureau’s Metro Madness bracket tests your knowledge of “which metro area is bigger”. Heathen’s score is 48 (out of 63). Can you beat us?

(MeFi.)

Elements of the fringe GOP group are now boycotting Fox News for being too liberal.

James Franco challenged Stephen Colbert to a “Tolkien Showdown” the other day. It did not go well for Mr Franco:

Kottke’s headline nails this except from the Danish show whose title translates to “Stupid & Dangerous”: Stupidity Captured at 2500 Frames per Second. Make time. Don’t miss the camper.

Seriously, check this out. A money quote:

For readers interested in learning more about how not to be labeled as registered sex offenders, a good first step is not to rape unconscious women, no matter how good your grades are. Regardless of the strength of your GPA (weighted or unweighted), if you commit rape, there is a possibility you may someday be convicted of a sex crime. This is because of your decision to commit a sex crime instead of going for a walk, or reading a book by Cormac McCarthy. Your ability to perform calculus or play football is generally not taken into consideration in a court of law. Should you prefer to be known as “Good student and excellent football player Trent Mays” rather than “Convicted sex offender Trent Mays,” try stressing the studying and tackling and giving the sex crimes a miss altogether.

Hodgman stops there, but for my money the next graf is easily as strong:

It’s perfectly understandable, when reporting on a rape trial, to discuss the length and severity of the sentence; it is less understandable to discuss the end of two convicted rapists’ future athletic and academic careers as if it were somehow divorced from the laws of cause and effect. Their dreams and hopes were not crushed by an impersonal, inexorable legal system; Mays and Richmond raped a girl and have been sentenced accordingly. Had they not raped her, they would not be spending at least one year each in a juvenile detention facility. (Emph. added.)

Direct link to Gawker here.

Longtime Heathen will recall her as the remarkable ventriloquist with the monkey — and then, last year, with a new schtick involving an articulated mask placed on a volunteer.

Well, she’s upper her game again. Make time — 7:33 to be precise. Enjoy.

He was on Colbert last night. Check it out.

Phil Noto’s faux period press photos of Marvel heroes are just fantastic.

Bad Lip Reads takes on the NFL, and it is lovely.

It’s fair to say that KDOC in LA had a little technical trouble the other night, but it’s also fair to say that this was by no means the extent of their problems — clearly stoned guests, rampant F-bombs, drunk talent wondering aloud if they’re live, cuts to black and dead air, Jaime Kennedy, etc. The link is to a clip, but the YouTube poster has promised the whole thing this weekend.

Via Patton Oswalt on Twitter. Also over at Grantland.

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal on reality TV’s future is delightful.

(Title quote from President Bartlett, natch.)

In this background piece on the AR-15 over at TPM, I was shocked to read this sentence:

Advocates say semi-automatic rifles are also becoming more popular for home defense. A recent article in Guns & Ammo, titled “Long Guns, Short Yardage: Is .223 the Best Home Defense Caliber?,” said sales of AR-15 type rifles “skyrocketed” after the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. The same article pointed to a 2010 National Shooting Sports Foundation survey which found that the second most popular reason for owning a “modern sporting rifle” — the polite term for semi-automatic rifles like the AR-15 types — was home defense.

Jesus FUCK what a terrible idea. The AR shoots a tiny bullet, sure, but it throws it downrange at absurd velocities — enough to puncture a helmet at 500 yards. If Tommy Tactical locks and loads his AR when the hypothetical crackhead busts down his door, yes, it’s very likely the intruder will end up in the morgue. Sure. I’ll grant that. But the other thing that’s CERTAIN to happen is that our wannabe Rambo’s bullets will pass right through the bad guy, right through sheetrock, and out of his house into the rest of the world. This is called overpenetration, and it’s a serious problem for anyone shooting in a populated area.

A much better choice would be some lumbering slow-moving round like a .45ACP pistol, or even a shotgun loaded with buckshot. Your home is not going to be invaded by barbarian hordes; keep that .223 in the safe and shoot it at the range, for crying out loud.

h/t Rob.

I mentioned this running gag back in September, but now Metafilter’s gotten ahold of it with a post that includes all three of Randall & Patinkin’s “drop by rehearsals”, and they’re sure to brighten your day.

From this year-end rundown, my fave is from the Atlantic:

This post originally referred to Jennifer Grey as “Ferris Bueller’s sister.” As commenters have pointed out, her role alongside Swayze in Dirty Dancing is clearly the more relevant. We regret putting Baby in a corner.

I think that covers it.

This story is so steeped in victim-blaming as to be obnoxious and gross.

It’s so gross, in fact, that it made one of CM’s freelancers feel like he needed to distance himself from it. CultureMap didn’t like that, so they asked him to take it down. And when he didn’t, they fired him.

Fuck CultureMap. Fuck ’em here, fuck ’em in Dallas, fuck ’em wherever. It’s vapid and pointless, and has been all along; now we just get to add a whole other list of unappealing adjectives to the mix before writing them off forever.

More at MeFi.

Why else would I show you this photo of a younger Daniel Craig?

Channel 9 Eyewitness News.

In case you missed it.

…if you’re not checking in on Grantland’s Rembert Explains the 80s feature, you’re missing out.

The idea is this:

Every so often, we’ll e-mail 25-year-old Rembert Browne a video from the 1980s that he hasn’t seen. Rembert will write down his thoughts as he’s watching the video, then we’ll post those thoughts here.

Madcap hilarity ensues. Seriously. Some topics Rembert has tackled:

• Genesis’s inexplicable Land of Confusion video
• One Night In Bangkok
• Airwolf
• The 1985 American Music Awards

Enjoy.

Coke Zero’s Unlock the 007 in You schtick, if genuine, is a pretty cool idea.

Rights mavens will point out over and over that you don’t really own anything on your Kindle, but it’s easy to dismiss as the ravings of paranoids.

Until it happens to someone. Amazon is refusing to explain why it’s closed this woman’s account, wiped her Kindle, and kicked her to the curb. After several questions, the final word from Amazon? “We wish you luck in locating a retailer better able to meet your needs and will not be able to offer any additional insight or action on these matters.”

Lots, and lots and lots of people should hear about this. This is what could have happened with music, too, if MP3 hadn’t become the default. Movies and video are locked up, too, but it’s easy to transcode a DVD and store it as something that’ll play widely, so there’s an “out” there, too. By far the worse rights management regime, though, is in books. And Amazon holds the keys.

BoingBoing has more.

Craig Ferguson has a sister, and she is hilarious.

I was just reminded, via another conversation, of some of the really awesome bits that happened early in Letterman’s CBS tenure.

The repeated “drop bys” that Tony Randall and Mandy Patinkin did may be my favorites. Here’s one I remember happening very clearly.

Gawker (yes, Gawker) puts things in perspective in the wake of Newsweek‘s frankly irresponsible and ridiculous cover story.

Don’t miss this quote:

Indeed, as everyone knows, Muslims, and especially Arab Muslims, have no lives, feelings or thoughts external to constant, violent rage, directed at old white people living in the Midwest (due to their freedoms).

I can’t decide if my favorite thing about this is the “Scintillatin’ Dr J Calendar” or the fact that C-3PO is playing the drums.

BoingBoing has Phil Hartman’s 1985 SNL audition tape. Stick with it through the modernized Nicholson version of Hamlet at least; the German impressionist is also TOP NOTCH.

With crack talent like this, it ought to be easy to see why we never watch local news.

Pregnant Woman Relieved to Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate.

Though she was initially upset following the brutal sexual assault last month that left her pregnant, victim Martha Byars told reporters she was relieved Sunday to learn from Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) that her ability to conceive her unwanted child proves she was not, in fact, legitimately raped.

“Being violently coerced into having sex was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, so I take comfort in knowing it wasn’t actually rape,” Byars said[.]