Diztopia points us to a delightful and violent little game.

No, really.

As God is my witness, I have it on reasonably good authority that the graphic at right is not Photoshopped in any way.

Make up your own joke.

Someone’s done little figurines of the Justice League.

Using “My Little Pony” dolls as a base.

1. That this guy’s bank accepted a fake promotional check for $95,000 and very nearly had to live with its mistake; or
2. That this story has been online since 1995 and we’re just now finding it.

Cartoons like this one, about Gary Busey, George Bush, and two ferrets. Using their real voices. Just click.

And in that spirit, we direct you to what may or may not be Nick Nolte’s diary.

Mohney points us at the worst Halloween costumes ever, from the plastic-mask-and-vinyl-tunic era.

Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books? Now you can make your own online, as if vanity sites weren’t doing that already in a more holistic way. Of course, most of those don’t feature an “interactive fiction engine,” which sounds pretty buzzword-compliant to us.

The Disfunctional Family Circus archive is now online. Enjoy.

Cnet has a whole pile of stories on the subject. Seriously, use something else.

We know we need at least one of these. Maybe more.

We suggest trying a stealth Lynndie.

(Note: we’re pretty sure this one is opposed by the ASPCA even if it’s not technically a Geneva Convention violation.)

That these were done using only a standard Bic pen is more than a little amazing.

Breakup, via PowerPoint.

Aks Jeeves.

Over at McSweeney’s. Arrrr.

Duncan Channon is closed for the holidays, but they’ve prepared this helpful guide to get you through to the new year.

Pandas vs. Aliens.

• Things I Would Say to Dorothy Parker If I Was Her Boyfriend That Would Lead To A Huge Fight
• If Charles Bukowski Had Written Children’s Books
• Replacing Bunnies With Bastards
• Reported Legal Case Opinions Pertaining To Or Mentioning Coleslaw
• Quotes From The Movie “Jaws” In Which “Shark” Is Replaced By “Jimmy Page”

Don’t miss that last one.

Top Cat! The most effectual Top Cat! Who’s intellectual close friends get to call him T.C., providing it’s with dignity. Top Cat! The indisputable leader of the gang. He’s the boss, he’s a pip, he’s the championship. He’s the most tip top, Top Cat.

Hey there where ya goin’, not exactly knowin’, who says you have to call just one place home. He’s goin’ everywhere, B.J. McKay and his best friend Bear. He just keeps on movin’, ladies keep improvin’, every day is better than the last. New dreams and better scenes, and best of all I don’t pay property tax. Rollin’ down to Dallas, who’s providin’ my palace, off to New Orleans or who knows where. Places new and ladies, too, I’m B.J. McKay and this is my best friend Bear.

I never spend much time in school but I taught ladies plenty. It’s true I hire my body out for pay, hey hey. I’ve gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs, blown up for Raquel Welch. But when I end up in the hay it’s only hay, hey hey. I might jump an open drawbridge, or Tarzan from a vine. ‘Cause I’m the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine.

(Here.)

Or, if you prefer:

Samt vilket datum dessa Šndringar gjordes b) Du tillser att alla verk som. Ett sŒdant meddelande som nŠmns ovan) , Programvaran licensieras i sin helhet utan. FšrŠndrade versioner av Programvaran eller verk enligt villkoren. Startas skall det skriva ut. Programvaran eller verk enligt villkoren i paragraf 1 ovan fšrutsatt att du ocksŒ uppfyller fšljande, innehŒller eller Šr hŠrlett frŒn Programvaran eller en del av Programvaran. Och distribuera sŒdana fšrŠndrade versioner av Programvaran eller verk enligt villkoren i paragraf. De fšrŠndrade filerna har ett tydligt meddelande som berŠttar att Du Šndrat; att de fšrŠndrade filerna har ett tydligt meddelande som berŠttar att Du Šndrat filerna! Kan utfšra interaktiv kommandon nŠr det; kostnad till tredje man enligt dessa licensvillkor c) Om den fšrŠndrade Programvaran i sitt?

(Here.)

Unless, that is, you Save Bernd.

We recommend you investigate this (“Everybody ready? Okay. Now, you’re walking down into the dungeon — Rummy, pay attention!”), this (“Good God! What is that thing?”), and, if you’re feeling milky, this (“Wait. He shoots what from where? On purpose?”).

There’s nothing we can type that can improve this picture.

Senior Heathen Tri-State Culture Analyst Mohney has some fun things to say about a trip to Coney Island, including what may be the finest picture of a ride-ticket-taker-guy ever.

Spider-Man Reviews Crayons:

The cool thing about “Yellow” is that you always end up needing it a lot more than you anticipate. Nobody ever picks yellow out of the box just for the Hell of it, but once you start coloring in whatever coloring book or colored coloring you colored, there’s a 99.9% chance you’ll eventually need the yellow for something. In that I cheerfully liken it to bay leaves.

What more need be said?

Jessica “Washingtonienne” Cutler is in an upcoming issue of Playboy.

“Sir, can you check your pockets? You’re setting off the metal detector.”

“Oh, sorry, that’s just my metal copy of the Bill of Rights; here, take it.”

(Presumably, this works even better if you’re also wearing a DeCSS t-shirt.)

In New York, they have people who belly-dance to heavy metal.

Under no circumstances do we at Heathen condone the existence of Mandonna. (Flash, sound)

Fafblog:

“But Giblets!” says me. “We are faced with an eschatological dilemma! If the world ends don’t we end too?” “Never!” says Giblets. “The world may be temporal but Fafnir an Giblets are forever!” “Yes!” says me. “We defy all ends! An middles an beginnings for good measure!” “We defy linearity!” says Giblets. “We are of the internet and embrace its heady disjointed bosom!” “We are hypertextual dispensationalists!” says me. “The endtimes cannot touch us!” “But what will we do after the world ends?” says Giblets. “Dunno,” says me. “We got that ol Yahtzee set.” “An Risk the game of world domination,” says Giblets. “An Fafblog,” says me. “An Fafblog,” says Giblets. “Even after the end of the age.”

“Lego Stop Motion“

Somewhere, there’s someone for whom this represents the apotheosis of erotic photography.

(NSFW)

Thusly equipped, the only thing they need now is a way to get into the tree stand.

Jill Greenberg has done some lovely monkey portraits.

Jaws in 30 Seconds, Reenacted by Bunnies.

Dannybot: a short film by Frank Lesser.

Can you Shoot the Internet Cliche? Don’t hit the kittens!

From Fafblog, we present the Legend of Benjamin Healy. A sample:

“They say no mortal woman was enough for him so he made one himself outta whiskey an liquors an ale,” says me. “An he loved her like a lumberjack made of eating loves a woman made of ham.”

Best. Blog. Evar.

Very short, very funny, science-fiction story about a potential first contact with an alien race. But from their side. Just read it.

Adrants is hosting some fine spoofs of DeBeers diamond ads. Enjoy.

Today, we present three odd things:

1. A Flash game invovling Scarecrows and ravens;
2. Some monkeys; and
3. At least 240 dollars worth of puddin’ (awwwww, yeah).

(Nos. 2 and 3 via Agent M)

Where else can you get stuff like this?

It may be too late for that, Fafnir. But pray for my soul as Rexella Van Impe pounds me in the ass with a strap-on.

Try it. You’ll like it.

No, really. Or not really-really, but you get the idea. Excerpt:

Sunday, July 04, 2004 Hulk saw movie about bug-man and it was good but needed more smashing. AND HULK DID NOT GET SNIFFLY DURING ROMANTIC SCENES SO IF YOU HEAR IRON MAN OR THOR TALKING ABOUT IT THEY ARE LIARS.

And also:

Thursday, June 24, 2004 HULK AT LIBRARY USING COMPUTER. SHHHH.

(Via BoingBoing.)

McSweeney’s answers the troubling question of “what would a DVD commentary on Alien be like if it were done by Ann Coulter and Dinesh D’Souza?”

Someone’s reimplemented Lemmings in DHTML and Javascript, and it’s quite faithful and playable. Very cool.

You heard me. This music video produced by high-end lingerie maker Agent Provocateur includes the following:

• Actors pretending to be Tony Blair and George W. Bush;
• A sexy dominatrix in impractical yet compelling undergarments;
• A fair chunk of what passes for S&M play in…
• …a facsimile of the Oval Office which includes, heretofore unknown to the general public…
• …a secret closet stocked with a cornocopia of sexual apparatus and accessories presumably not on hand in the genuine White House, at least in this administration;
• Faux-Dubya receiving the attentions of said dominatrix while the Secret Servcie guards the office;
• All to the dulcet dones of a cover of Joy Division’s “She’s Lost Control.”

What more, we ask, could you ask of us on a Friday?

A list of things that are the new black should come in handy.

What we want to know is why it took until TWO THOUSAND AND FOUR to come up with something as obviously useful as virtual bubble wrap. (Use “manic mode,” and be sure to request a new sheet when you’re done.)

Update: And another game, which is dramatically less straightforward. We can’t figure it out, but we trust you Heathen can manage it. Or something. No matter what, it’s kinda fun to play with.

But we’re sticking with the Bubble Wrap.

How many ways to lace your shoes do you really need? We know the answer for us — pretty much zero, since the Heathen dress code runs to flip-flops or loafers — but that’s clearly not enough for Mr Fieggen.