His 5ives.com site features top-five lists of various random concepts; today’s update includes:

• Five things that killed your party
• Five excellent words
• Five revelations from Rene Descartes’ LiveJournal

In honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day, we present this net-graphic (attribution unknown) of the only keyboard you should need today:

Warren Ellis pointed us at this post on another blog that begins:

so i was in the basement touching myself while dressed like a skeleton because it’s the only way i can get off anymore…

Because it’s beautiful, too, we’ll provide a copy of our favorite Edison Hate Future for your enjoyment; it’s linked back to the omnibus all-Edison post at Mr Ellis’ site, in case you want more:

<

p class=”center”>

Apparently, there’s a t-shirt in the works.

Here. We’re not even mirroring it locally, so if it goes down or gets moved, you’re just out of luck. It involved a Corey, Japanese dancers, the Fat Boys, and Mr T, for crying out loud.

Soviet Space Monkey Pants:

Alas, bidding is over.

My attorney stopped yelling about the goddamn mescaline long enough to point out this rosy bit of football fan brutality, presumably inspired by the fact that Vandy actually beat someone this weekend. Click the pic for a full-size version.

We are, after all, from Veterinarian stock.

Enjoy these pix of sheltered wild animals in California. Mostly, they’re big cats. Don’t miss the fact that the first two are “kitten” and “adult” shots of the same tiger. He goes from “large housecat” to “600 pounds.”

Se7en Smurfs.

LibelousClaimsAboutLargeCorporations. Enjoy.

A basic electronics primer, randomly found on the web:

Check out the 1930 DeMoulin Bros. & Co. Fraternal Supply Catalog of Masonic “devices” used to, um, entertain lodge candidates. Don’t miss the Pledge Altar. Wacky, actionable fun!

Ol’ Frank points out US Blowjobless Rate At All-Time High.

Especially when you have The Learning Abscess. Sample:

An Evening With
Mariel Hemmingway Beautiful, talented, intelligent and spiritually evolved, Mariel Hemingway is an amazing, independent woman who has truly succeeded on her own terms. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t get lonely, or have needs like any other woman. And let’s face it, the acting offers aren’t exactly pouring in anymore. Taken together, these circumstances have given rise to a unique opportunity for you to enjoy the intimate company of the Academy Award-nominated granddaughter of Ernest Hemingway, in your own home, or in a nice hotel, or in a not-so-nice motel, or in a reasonably comfortable van. A serious practitioner of Yoga for 20 years who has studied Ashtanga, Anusara, Iyengar, Kundalini and Kriya, Mariel can not only discuss these various philosophies and methodologies but can perform elaborate contortions to allow serious Cirque de Sole-style fucking that will blow your nuts clean off. Whether you would like to enjoy this amazing opportunity one-on-one or with a few buddies, Mariel is a non-judgmental woman of the world, and is game for anything life throws at her. Course 2293 August 2 or whenever’s good for you 8pm-Late

Don’t miss “An evening throwing things at Sidney Sheldon,” either.

More drunk, abusive puppets losing at blackjack.

Presumably, though, Pope Ratz is opposed even to these very nontraditional condom deployments.

Lately, we’ve heard a lot about some sort of Euro-craze for a song/ringtone called Crazy Frog. We had no idea until moments ago that this track is little more than a remix/mashup of Harold Faltermeyer’s “Axel F” (from Beverly Hills Cop) and this loop we blogged in 2001 clearly (originally) intended to be an imitation of an F1/Indy car (or, as some suggest, a two-stroke motorcycle engine).

If you like the funny — and I think you do — then head on over to see Leave It To Bush, episode 3, co-starring Samuel L. Jackson and Christopher Fucking Walken.

(Longtime Heathen will recall our affection for episode 1 some months back.)

Rocky Horror in 30 seconds re-enacted by bunnies.

If you go here, you can make your very own Venn diagram. Here’s a sample from longtime Heathen MAD:

Jon Carroll has one of the best damn columns I’ve ever read today. It’s got Groucho in it, for crying out loud. Go. Read.

A museum in London has an exhibition that is, basically, a running faucet. It wastes about 9,200 gallons per day.

FuckThisWebSite.com has pictures that may make you giggle, if you’re anything like us. (Not porn, but with liberal f-bomb usage.)

TomCruiseIsNuts.com

Those of you still in datingland may enjoy, however, the Girlfriend Fight Simulator.

HOWTO make a Guinness popsicle. We’re late. Sorry.

“Sometimes, I wonder what horses might be doing right now.”

Where else will you see “Public Religious Displays with Secular Intent?”

Liquid Cereal.

This is weird, but kinda cool. You can drag her, too.

Suckful provides Other Things Tom Cruise Knows More About Than You.

YouWhores.com, presented with neither evaluation nor comment. In fact, we’re posting it blind, on account of Dan saying so. We haven’t even clicked it. Somebody visit, and tell us what it is.

Take a gander at the Moscow that never was, artist’s renderings of unbuilt Soviet architecture.

Accordian Guy points us to this excerpt from a broadband tech support call (576Kb MP3). It’s in Quebeqois French, but we’re pretty sure we know what it means. And for some reason, it’s funny as hell. Truly, the suckiness of tech support is a universal truth that binds us all together. In hell. (NSFW if anyone around you speaks French, natch.)

Play With Me. (Quicktime, interactive.)

Really, you can.

FreeKatie.net. Act, before it’s too late.

(Bring it, Xenu.)

Over at Livejournal, someone’s posted Smile Time: The Comic, a short comic book that takes place during the brief period of time that Angel looked like the picture at right.

Pulp Fiction in 30 Seconds, reenacted by bunnies.

The media has been having a field day with the Felt Throat thing, even to the point of inviting Watergate conspirators to comment without disclosing their roles in the scandal. Of course, it would probably be less inflammatory to have convicted burglar G. Gordon Liddy denouncing Felt as dishonorable if they also pointed out that because of Felt’s actions Liddy went to prison for the crimes he committed. Ditto Colson, who, as may have had some kind of conversion experience in the clink — but apparently has left his douchebaggery intact.

By the way, in the event you’re harboring that wingnut notion that the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal and Watergate are in any way morally equivalent: Bullshit.

Once again, we raise (or lower) the bar; once again, we offer the wrongest thing ever. Yes, that’s Celine Dion. No, we don’t know what the fuck she was thinking, either.

You know, for kids.

Some conservative wackos provide us with a list of the most dangerous books of the 19th and 20th centuries. The very idea of a list of “dangerous” books makes my skin crawl; sure, there are some disturbing titles here (Mein Kampf, for example), but labelling any work as “dangerous” is a step down a rather scary path.

Also, n.b. that they aren’t limited to the ravings of dictators: they include “The Kinsey Report,” “The Feminine Mystique,” and, in their honorable mention category (irony presumably theirs), “Silent Spring,” “Second Sex,” “Origin of the Species,” and “Unsafe at Any Speed.” One wonders what “dangerous” ideas are included therein?

Update: Joey Accordian Guy DeVilla noticed the list as well, and supplies this choice quote:

There’s a bonus list at the bottom of the page: it’s the 15 biggest douchebags of the 21st century.

So, you’re wondering what the weather’s like in LA? David Lynch can tell you.

Improv group stages faux rooftop U2 show in NYC; madcap hilarity ensues.

Tape sculpture can be remarkably odd. (Via BoingBoing.)

Investigators Blame Stupidity in Area Death

WHEATLEY, AR – Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment were cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure, unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday. “We’re fairly positive the deceased was operating under the influence of being an unbelievable dumbass,” forensic investigator Evan Lawrence told reporters at the scene, a stretch of road littered with SUV parts, beer cans, food containers, fishing equipment, and pornography. “I mean, we’re not saying alcohol, fatigue, poor vehicle maintenance, and driver error didn’t play their parts — but mainly, that driver was a goddamn dipshit.” [More]

If only Phil Dick was alive to see this.

Even for pants. Check out the “Technology” section to review their array of pant-distressing robots. The “Experiments” are worth reviewing as well.

(Click for full-size; cribbed from Accordian Guy, apropos of nothing.)