This Christmas, my stepfather must’ve been very good indeed. Santa brought him a chain saw on a stick.

Merry Christmas.

Remember The State on MTV? This site has small Quicktime files of every single sketch. I’d buy this on DVD if I could — especially since the quality of this is pretty crappy — but for now, this will do.

NoGators will be taking a little Christmas Break, but we don’t want to leave you, our faithful readers, in a lurch. Therefore and in accordance with the prophesy, we provide the following list of other amusing blog sites you may enjoy in our absence:

• B0ingB0ing, a source for many a NoGators link;
• the porn-friendly Reverse Cowgirl, pleasantly racy and always fun;
• Sarah Hepola, a fine diarist/blogger I originally found in . . .
• the Morning News;
• and the sardonic world of Kitty Bukkake, which isn’t what it sounds like despite promises to “take it on the chin.”

Enjoy.

Oh, and don’t forget your monkey stuff.

I know I’ve linked this before, but what with the new movie coming out and all, I thought I’d toss it out again. Of course, before I didn’t have a link to a site covering the entire album from which this little ballad is taken.

Update: Senior NoGators Insurance Fraud Analyst Triple-F points out that the last link has already expired, damn it. Oh well. Take our word for it; it was very cool.

“Because people have a need to glue things to other things.”

For all your holiday needs, a place you can get Live Squid In A Box.

A fine archive of post-it animations. Enjoy.

Vocabulary words we learned by playing Dungeons & Dragons

Before I saw this, I suspected that “diorama” and “taxidermy” were not words I wanted to see used together. Now I am certain.

These fine folks have an online museum of pocket calculators, nerd watches, and (yes) walkmen.

We’re Christmas shopping here at NoGators, and it occurs to us that an oft-neglected category is spice. The good folks at Penzey’s have a number of gift boxes that any number of folks on your list might enjoy, particularly if they don’t live in some enormous concrete jungle with all manner of weird seasonings available at any hour of the day or night. And you won’t need a stillsuit, either.

…and people ask “Mr NoGators Man, where can we, the concerned public, go to learn about Strom Thurmond? Why, we know he’s old as the hills, and we know he’s all about segregation, but isn’t there more to this ancient political sphinx?” Well, yes. My attorney offers us Stromwatch.

I meant to put this up a couple weeks ago. Salman Rushdie wrote an editorial in the NYT. Read it.

You know the ones from the seventies — the puppetesque stop-motion holiday shows, like Santa Claus is Coming to Town and Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Well, we here at NoGators just had a screening of “Santa”, and got curious about the credits, so off to IMDB we went. And oh, what we found.

As it happens, Rankin and Bass did some other things I’d never heard of, most notably an adaptation of Tolkein that can best be described as a liberal reading, apparently. The cast for it, however, is kind of staggering.

Some people I know from the Well have created the world’s definitive Rehab Diary site.

This morning on NPR, I heard a story on this band. Listen.

Fewer famous people appear to do their own, or provide content not filtered by a publicist. Former UT standout running back and current Miami Dolphin Ricky Williams is one of them.

(NoGators wishes to clarify that UT here means the University of Texas, not the trailer park on Rockytop.)

Blowing shit up is cool.

If you’re like me, not a day goes by that you don’t think “Gee, Star Trek is cool and all, but what would it be like if they remade it in Turkey?” Well, now we know.

Well, I for one am glad to know that someone is keeping track.

Sen. Trent Lott (R, MS, plastic-haired weasel) on Strom Thurmond’s 1948 presidential bid, which ran primarily as pro-segregation and anti-civil rights:

Lott said, “I want to say this about my state: When Strom Thurmond ran for president, we voted for him. We’re proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn’t have had all these problems over all these years, either.”

I want to go on record as a native of this same state: I’m ashamed of our past, ashamed that my fellow Mississippians voted this way in 1948, and I’m ashamed of Lott for continuing to make us look like unreconstructed hicks.

Thanks in part to the incessant badgering of certain Heights attorneys, I’ve enabled the “make a comment” feature on new Heathen items. Enjoy, but be nice.

A memo to former Tide coach and current weasel Fran.

tset

The fine folks — well, actually, I think it’s one guy — over at Get Your War On have posted a side-splitting yet profoundly depressing update.

We all know that the TV world is rife with evil twins. This curiosity has never been adequately explained by science, and yet evil Spocks, evil Willows, and even evil Carl Kirsts surface with alarming regularity. How, we wonder, can we discern the evil twins from their more law-abiding and pure-hearted siblings?

I am pleased to announce that we here at NoGators Labs have located a resource to help you in this dreadfully important pursuit. The folks at this site have noticed that nearly all evil twins sport goatees, and have photographs to prove it. (My favorite: the evil Olsen twins.)

And take this geography literacy quiz from National Geographic. After each question, they provide data on how many folks in each of a few countries answered correctly.

If you’re like me, you’ll be horrified that only 20% of 18-to-24 year old Americans can find Afghanistan on a map.

I’m almost certain this is a hoax of some kind, but it’s still funny in that weird, oh-my-God-what-a-freak way.

I don’t know about you, but I feel safer knowing this department is on the job.

Okay, I can’t tell which is worse: the notion that this is real, or the notion that it’s a parody.

As an experiment, I’ve reimplemented a Palm game called Dopewars using PHP. You can play it online right here at NoGators. In fact, I encourage you to play it. I’ll add a high-score list directly; right now, I’m still making sure the game probabilities are reasonable.

I won’t name names, but they rhyme (again) with (um) Schloachim, Sachel-Pan, and Barl.

test

Click to Skip Intro.

Here’s a list of porn movie titles derived from “regular” titles, a phenomenon rife with hilarity. I think my favorites are “Cape Rear” and “Inspect Her Gadget.”

Sure, UA can’t go to a bowl game or officially win the SEC, but my alma mater can force LSU to its first shutout in 72 games, and its defense can create the only 4th-and-30 I think I’ve ever seen. Roll Damn Tide.

Today, 4 friends of mine came over and played Risk: 2210. At two o’clock in the afternoon.

This is the worst moment of realization about the economy I’ve had yet. It’s also a bit of a geekapoolza wake up call, too, but I’m less worried about that.

It’s still okay to be a geek, right? The culprits? I’ll never tell. But their names rhyme with Fom, Barl, Lyric, and, um, Schloachim.

Garrison Keillor has his say about Minnesota’s new Senator-elect, Norman Coleman, in Salon today. Coleman defeated Walter Mondale, but was almost certain to lose to Paul Wellstone. The piece is scathing, prompting this from someone (Robert Rossney) on the Well:

You must be a scumbag if you can get Garrison Keillor to publicly call you a son of a bitch.

Wow.

In honor thereof, here’s a set of photos taken by an acquaintance’s grandfather. They’re primarily of Europe around the end of World War II. It’s quite a time capsule.

So I’m not a theater critic anymore. Sue me. At least I’ve got my own bully pulpit right here at NoGators.

By now, my affection for the folks at Infernal Bridegroom Productions is reasonably well documented, so it should come as no surprise that I’m impressed with their latest show, A Soap Opera.

Starting tonight (last night, if you count the preview), they’re staging a little play by a guy named Ray. It was originally performed by him, his brother, and the rest of their band way-back-when in 1975. For reasons beyond my understanding, no one has done it since — truly shocking, because this show is a hell of a lot of fun. Half concert and half musical, this hour-long piece is a fast-moving and often hilarous romp — and it’s plenty loud, too. IBP regular Cary Winscott is the Starmaker, the biggest star in the world, capable of turning even the most ordinary man into an overnight sensation. His onstage persona must be seen to be believed; there is a cape involved. Tamarie Cooper is his long-suffering wife, and is as shockingly demure as Cary is flamboyant.

Backing the Starmaker is an all-star band of IBP and local-band heavyweights (including IBP Associate Director Anthony Barilla playing, as my girlfriend noted “3 instruments and the accordian!”). Even if you don’t know from theater, even if you’re scared of that area east of George R. Brown, and even if you can’t get up off the couch because of Tuesday, go see this show. November 8, 9, 15, 16, 22, 23, 29, 30 at the Axiom, 2524 McKinney, behind George R. Brown Convention Center.

Special Opening Weekend (11/8 & 11/9) Retro Rate – $5.99
Remaining performances – Fridays at 8:00 $12, Saturdays at 8:00 $15, Saturdays at 11:00 $17 (Late Saturday shows include live bands on the club stage after curtain, which means more loud rock and roll for your money!)

We here at NoGators really thought of ourselves as mildly clever for our own custom error page, but when compared to this one and this other one, we feel pretty inadequate. (There are even more of these here, if you’re curious.)

Oh well. At least ours has a funny picture.

Then you need the PowerPoint Anthology of Literature!

Anybody need a MiG? Sixty grand or so and it’s yours.

Now the cows’ll never come back. Our hyperparanoid airline screening is having some unforseen and embarrassing side effects.

Try this for all your evil clown manufacturing needs.

Austin NoGators Correspondent Mikey the Shiv sends this, which is both clever and, occasionally, creepy.

The number of times I could have used a cup with this on it during the go-go-90’s simply boggle the mind.

Okay, not really — that whole being-able-to-breathe, not-stinking thing is pretty cool — but still, there’s nothing like Zippo tricks.

Fortunately, at least some of them are channeling that frustration into hilarious film shorts.

Alabama 34, Tennessee 14. That’s all I have to say about that.