“Kansas City Ape Owners Must Pay for Rampage, Judge Rules“

“How to prepare for a pet octopus“

Mike Nix posted this on his Facebook wall. As much as I’d like to assert that he is the little boy born in 1962 whose fondest dream was to own a monkey, that is not the case. It is this man:

(Yes, that man is for real.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Monkey Tail Beard.

Just click it, okay? There’s no way you’d follow the link if I actually used the words “euthanasia coaster.” Trust me.

Oh, just go look.

Avram Grumer apparently found out about “‘Ask an Atheist Day” a bit late, but he did his best to provide some answers anyway. Excellent post.

I heard you like eggs…

…I encourage you all to take a look at this.

Angelo Kelly ain’t gonna pee pee his bed tonight.

I’m not sure, but I think God may be one of his backup singers. BTW, the entire bizarre Kelly Family idea is pretty hiliarious: American dude decamps to Spain, has a mess of kids, homeschools them all, and takes up busking as a weird, ersatz Von Trapp thing that — because, things are different in Europe — actually takes off.

They were, of course, HUGE in Germany.

it says right here that whisky is your only defense against diseases from SPACE.

The 2011 Name of the Year bracket is simply breathtaking. It’s hard to pick a favorite from such a field, but I think “Atticus Disney” probably earned his #1 seed, and that “Quadrophenia Taylor” may well be underseeded.

Remember: all of these people really have these names. No kidding. Hat tip to Rob. You may also wish to peruse the Names of the Year from past years, which includes the 2003 king, Houston attorney Jew Don Boney.

Writing a manifesto, but having trouble getting started? Don’t worry; there’s a Manifesto Manifesto to help you along. Kumquat!

BoingBoing found a fantastic set of bizarre vintage photos.

Bunnies! Bunnies! It must be bunnies!.

I am Not Lying.

Here.

Presented without comment, via some longstanding Heathens who came by the other night:

Heh.

Mazda is recalling a bunch of cars.

Because they may become infested with SPIDERS that ultimately cause FIREY DEATH.

Anthropologists trace human origins back to one large goat.

Take a look at 9-Eyes.com, a collection of amusing pix pulled from Google Street View.

Via MeFi, I give you CAT LASER BOWLING:

Phil Collins Day in Brooklyn:

Two recent examples:

• Bard College Named Nation’s No. 1 Dinner Party School

and

• Police Bust Giraffe-Fighting Ring

Do NOT miss the 2nd one.

Check it out.

Just watch.

“[T]his is not the first incident where an electrical massager has reportedly strangled someone to death.“

Muppets with People Eyes.

“However, because only half the reindeer are fed the mushrooms, it’s impossible to know which bottles, if any, contain hallucinogenic urine.“

(Via JWZ.)

In the words of Wheaton, what is this i dont even.

Over at College Humor, believe it or not.

I mean, what’s YOUR reaction to an automatic ham-boning robot?

To say nothing of the Dracula collar. From the dept. of deeply unnecessary covers: Where Is Your God Now, Andrew Eldrich?

Someone’s made tiny fluffy mouse versions of Star Wars characters.

Two points about this video:

• I will no longer complain about roaches; and
• What part of “kill it with fire” does this guy not understand?

The NYT on the New Zealand tuatara:

[T]he animal that may well be New Zealand’s most bizarrely instructive species at first glance looks surprisingly humdrum: the tuatara. A reptile about 16 inches long with bumpy, khaki-colored skin and a lizardly profile, the tuatara could easily be mistaken for an iguana. Appearances in this case are wildly deceptive. The tuatara — whose name comes from the Maori language and means “peaks on the back” — is not an iguana, is not a lizard, is not like any other reptile alive today.

In fact, as a series of recent studies suggest, it is not like any other vertebrate alive today. The tuatara, scientists have learned, is in some ways a so-called living fossil, its basic skeletal layout and skull shape almost identical to that of tuatara fossils dating back hundreds of millions of years, to before the rise of the dinosaurs. Certain tuatara organs and traits also display the hallmarks of being, if not quite primitive, at least closer to evolutionary baseline than comparable structures in other animals.

The article goes on to state that the tuatara can live in excess of 100 years. More at Wikipedia.

Via the pseudowookie known only as Nix:

Story here, but, seriously, how could this be made better by mere reading?

Don Draper Says What?

19 killed in plane crash caused by a crocodile.

Just so we’re clear: this reptile killed more airline passengers yesterday than Evil Mooslims have in years.

The Happy Few Project: Learn and perform the St Crispin’s Day speech by October 25. Who’s in?

Her blog is something we already like alot, but now she’s gone multimedia with a YouTube channel and helpful videos like How To Put Yourself Inside of a Coat. Enjoy.

Under no circumstances is it acceptable for invertebrates to eat mammals, okay?

Related: Bugs longer than a foot are also verboten.

…could a comic called Hipster Hitler be funny?

Yes, yes it can.

ThingsBearsLove.com has you covered.

6 Reasons to Ride a Polar Bear to Work.

We do not approve of this whisky:

James Gilpin is a designer and researcher who works on the implementation of new biomedical technologies. He’s also got type 1 diabetes, where his body doesn’t produce enough insulin to regulate blood sugar levels.

So he’s started a project called Gilpin Family Whisky, which turns the sugar-rich urine of elderly diabetics into a high-end single malt whisky, suitable for export.