Fantasy Planes is a collection of aircraft sketches, drawings, and designs that were never executed; it’s rife with the retro-future design of the tommorrow that never came (i.e., it’s sort of a Gernsback Continuum thing).

Nice Tits!

There’s something wonderful about the fact that most every excellent and horrible event in popular culture is eventually — and sometimes instantaneously! — immortalized in some sort of web goofiness.

In that vein, I give you the best Flash game yet: Escape from Neverland. Enjoy.

When we grow up, we’re going to be as clever and snarky as these guys. A fine sample is available here, as pointed out by Mike.

Perhaps you’ve never heard of Bobby Badfingers. You can no longer say that. Whether you watch the videos is entirely up to you.

Alf’s world of corkscrews is a somewhat obsessive list of oddball wineopeners, complete with naked girls.

If you’re confused, then that makes two of us.

5ives.com.

Hey, look, it’s videos of somebody shootin’ stuff!

But I checked, and the site I linked almost two years ago for this bit is dead and gone, or seems to be. So we list it again, just to be safe: 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army.

A holiday Flash game about snowballs. Enjoy.

It’s Friday. Don’t you need some Penguin Batting Practice? I know Frank does…

Update! My attorney has located a newer version. Scores are higher. I now top out at 537.4.

Nice ass. (SFW)

Get Your War On does Mars.

The Law & Order Coloring Book.

Someone’s done a reasonably exhaustive guide to electonic music, complete with subgenre relationships, samples, and pithy commentary. Don’t miss his discussion, on the home page, of “Funky Drummer.”

Goth Story Problems.

Girls Eating Sandwiches. SFW, as far as I can tell.

Brad: The Game.

Adobe actually has a page on its site detailing the proper use of the word “Photoshop.” Hint: you must not use it as a verb. You shouldn’t use it without saying “Adobe” first.

Err, right. Language is always checking with corporations before evolving. Just ask Xerox. Or Kleenex.

We’ve all seen plenty of far-right fundie websites complaining about short-haired women, or women who wear pants, or versions of the Bible other than the King James, but the folks at DemonBuster.com take the prize, but only because they’re such a throwback. Basically, everything bad is because of EVIL SPIRITS and DEMONS. Have a look at what they have to say about:

• Dolls and stuffed animals (Contain demons!)
• Candles (Will invoke demons!)
• Statues of anything, especially frogs and owls (Demons!)
• Sickness (Caused by demons!)
• Christmas or Easter
• Incubii and Succubi (Demons that rape you in your sleep!)
• Prescriptions
• Paisley (Harbors demons. Don’t wear it!)
• SIDS (You guessed it — a demon!)
• Foul weather (More demons!)

Finally, I’m sure Frank will be happy to know that they’ve done extensive research into the area of diabetes. As it happens, it’s caused by a 10-armed squid demon, which you’ll need to cast out instead of piercing your flesh with those needles, because eventually you’ll have to get the mark of the beast to get that insulin, and then where will you be?

Now a squid has ten (10) arms and an octopus has eight (8) arms. In the study of mind control we found out there was an octopus type spirit with 8 arms. With a squid type spirit it has 10 arms and such is the case with the spirit of DIABETES.

You can’t make this shit up.

These 9 drawings were created by an artist under the influence of LSD as part of a government test in the 1950s.

The domain is misleading.

Pork Martini. No, really.

Here’s an interactive ZIP code visualizer; it narrows the area of the country as you type a code. Neat.

Longtime Heathen Rob points out this fine explanation of the end of the world. (Flash)

How ’bout a wooden Ferrari that’s also a boat?

Get them some Old Glory Robot Insurance.

Try the Drinkometer to see how much you’ve had so far.

DolphinSex.org. No, dummy, it’s not safe for work.

ILoveKarlRove.com makes me vaguely uncomfortable. However, read on, since a bit down the page she holds forth on the, er, “humpability” of the Democratic candidates.

Senator Kerry seems to get the worst treatment:

The minute he rode the motorcycle onto Jay Leno’s set, Kerry nixed any chance of nabbing red-hot, under-35 poontang again in this lifetime. Gas up the Suburban, and godspeed to the local T.G.I. Friday’s for Mudslide Nite, Senator – ’cause soccer mom snatch is the only cocktail left on your menu.

Of Rep. Kucinich, she says:

No doubt the ladies love Cool Denny, what with his elegant bearing and rakish, rugged good looks, but I’m troubled by his veganism. If he won’t eat meat, will he still eat ME? Rovey knows just how I like my oeufs whipped up – scrambled and shirred and over easy, and I just don’t reckon I could go without now. Once you’ve had Rovey’s bacon, fakin’ just won’t do.

But the finest lines are reserved for Ambassador Moseley Braun:

Well, I can’t really comment, because I’ve never surrendered to the sweet strains of Sappho (at least not without a few shots of Jaegermeister and a Delta Kappa Epsilon running a video camera, and The Chipster swore to me that he destroyed every copy of those tapes so you can’t prove ANYTHING!), but I’m sure with a couple of roofies and a Phranc album on the turntable, I’d likely pick her over Hadassah Lieberman.

Hard to argue with that.

BabesAgainstBush.com.

Excellent photo via BoingBoing.

Do this:

1. Go to Google (new window)
2. Search for “miserable failure”
3. Hit the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button

It’s been a while since I posted a genuine kook, so here’s Marissa Marchant, a New York based “musician” with a drastically inflated sense of both her talent and the value of her output.

We’re sure most longtime Heathen readers are simply stunned that we have yet to address the Michael Jackson situation. Where is the snark? Where are the rude jokes?

Well, frankly, up until yesterday, we viewed the entire affair as beneath us. Then we were directed to what may be the definitive resource concerning the evolution of Mr. Jackson’s “face,” presented here without additional comment. Enjoy.

Longtime Heathen Mohney points out what must be the best damn forklift safety video ever.

(In German; 6.9MB Windows Media)

Something purporting to be Paris and Nicky Hilton’s Blog. Heh.

It seems utterly infeasible that we here at Heathen have thus far managed to overlook Modern Drunkard Magazine.

The Paris Hilton Sex Tape.

Some of the finest such diagrams you’re ever likely to see can be had at Brunching Shuttlecocks, including this one:

(Via ol’ Tony at Simian Design)

Find out what other people had done by the time they were your age.

Changing religions used to be such a hassle, but not anymore!

Longtime Heathen will recall their earlier piece, Samsung Means to Come. If you liked that, then you’ll love Cunnilingus in North Korea. As it happens, there’s also an interview available, and of course there’s always their home page.

So, how DO you find out how long your cat’s tongue is?

These are suitable for general consumption, but are perhaps of more interest to certain attorneys (Frank? Tom?).

• The 2003 World Beard and Mustache Championships were held in Carson City.
• The National Beard Registry

But Jim Henson’s company was involved, so perhaps you should watch this gum commercial about a brand of gum with some apparently bizarre side effects.

No, I won’t tell you how I did. Unless you’re Erin. But take it anyway.

Porn star and certified geek (NSFW) Asia Carrera had to evacuate her home. Presumably, it’ll be a while before she’s playing Unreal Tournament again.

From Die Puny Humans, Warren Ellis’ blog:

When they’re not around, I put the TV on. Purely out of curiosity, you understand. Up here, we can snatch some forty thousand channels out of the air. Most of them, of course, are still showing CSI and LAW AND ORDER. There are twelve different channels showing LAW AND ORDER 24 hours a day. In some countries, Jerry Orbach has become a cargo-cult figure. They don’t understand the language or much of the situations. They comprehend only that Jerry Orbach is immortal. They watch and divine from the show that he outlives the young gods who are selected to be his assistants. Criminals fall. DAs change. Assistants fade away. Jerry Orbach is forever. Jerry Orbach is, in fact, some kind of avenging God-King who will hunt and incarcerate Scum until the end of time.

This, from the Opelousas (LA) Daily World, under the header “Voters should decide for themselves:”

In Louisiana’s tradition of endorsement in a runoff, voters need to be wise and decide for themselves the way you want to vote for the D’s or the R’s. Some of the soothsayers are guessing a winner. It shall come at a time when the Lord shall cut off soothsayers. Michah 5-12. My grandfather was an immigrant and bought land at Bayou Rouge north of Palmetto for 5 cents an acre. In this region, there were two floods in 1912 and 1927. There were also four Indian mounds. But the farmers destroyed all but one. We all should know that indians were here before the white man. I have been voting since Roosevelt’s time, but don’t recall an Indian holding office in this state. Maybe if Jindal, the son of an Indian immigrant (not an American Indian), would be elected Louisiana governor, he would build new mounds for the state. In World War II, an Indian named Cloud carried me out of a cargo hole. I was injured at sea in a storm. V.J. Leger
Palmetto

I’m sort of assuming it only makes slightly more sense if you’re actually up-to-date on the local politics of Opelousas, but I could be wrong.