This is so wrong I have no idea what to tell you. It is, however, safe for work. And both snuggie- and baby-related. So click.

So how about a cannonball floating in mercury?

…the narrator may as well just be saying “Owls are so fucking cool I can’t stand it” over and over:

Here’s a letter from a fan / and over there’s my Boogie Man.

Green, Gold, Platinum, Centurion and . . . Plum?

Bears. (SFW)

Stick with it all the way through.

Via Seige, Love Will Tear Us Apart. (First link NOT SFW, second is fine, but video.)

There is no way on God’s green earth you can ever do anything as frivolous and delightful as extreme LED sheep herding. Go watch this video. Now. It’s left me slackjawed with amazement.

Here’s some video of a turtle trying to fuck a shoe.

You should not click it at work.

But it’s got a boob machine in it. From Japan, natch.

Whoa.

Actually, it’s a sculpture. However, I’ve seen her work before — a collector in Houston has one of her pieces — and it’s actually more creepy in person.

Filling out a (Federal) form for a background check related to a new project at work, I was asked for my height. Do you see anything unusual about the dialog options below?

We are not making this up: In WWII, a Polish unit had a bear mascot — eventually “drafted” — that carried shells for them and, on occasion, fought Nazis. Said unit still exists, and its insignia now memorializes said bear (at right).

On duty, Voytek was trained to carry cases of ammunition and mortar shells down the line to waiting artillery, each one weighing hundreds of pounds. On one occasion, he wandered into an empty shower stall and surprised an Arabic spy who had been listening in on top secret information. The spy quickly surrendered and immediately confessed to all of his crimes, probably because he was smart enough to realize that any military unit possessing Anti-Espionage Bears are likely going to be on the winning side of the war.

After the war, he retired to a zoo in Edinburgh, where he was frequently visited by his former comrades. He died in 1963.

(The first link is a random blog, but he’s also in Wikipedia, for crying out loud.)

Cave house for sale.

Choose either baby gorilla flavor or foxes on a trampoline flavor.

My assumption is that this has some context I’m just not getting, but as a non sequitur it’s freakish and hilarious.

It appears unclear if Gladys Hardy is a real person or not, but what IS clear is that her telephone conversation with Ellen DeGeneres is a scream.

“…your picture of Stalin riding a Year 3 Limited Edition Starflower inside a German concentration camp was both upsetting and historically inaccurate.”

…into the Strange Case of Christian and Kermit.

Christian Bale’s (final) stepmother? Gloria Steinem. Apparently, the elder Bale was fairly notable in his own right.

Weird.

The hip-hop-Christian “p4cm” folks have an amusing line of shirts available, and they seem especially keen on getting the word about about becoming an EX-masturbator. They suggest you also follow the link and read — sorry: “hit up” — their new article inventively titled “Masturbation,” which is so full of evangelical-speak that it’s almost indecipherable:

And God’s method of operation for sex is marriage. He created the fibers of sex to be so strong that it could only be contained in the confines of marriage. What is marriage, that only It can contain the orgasm? Because only a contractual covenant can contain something so strong…Anything outside that method would self destruct. Any other orgasm achieved outside of marriage couldn’t handle its intense, explosive, addictive, domineering, gripping force without repercussions. Yes, you could very well achieve and very much well, enjoy one, but not without suffering the impact of its climactic aftershocks. Yes, I just said it, Church! Yes, the tremors may feel good, but the aftermath, the consequences of an illegal orgasm is traumatic. You can reach the heights of sexual stimulation during masturbation, but can you handle its control over your life?

Isn’t it a little, I dunno, creepy to push this kind of scaremongering about Rosy Palms and her Five Sisters in 2009? Also, how ’bout that grammar? Our official Heathen advice is to stop worrying about solo diddling and put that energy into something actually constructive. Item one on their new to-do list should probably be a proper composition class.

Why else, I ask you, would he post weird videos like this? Go on and watch it; you know you want to. SFW.

No, this isn’t safe for work. Plus, it’s in Spanish. But I swear this: it’s likely to be the best damn picture of a naked woman hugging a Dalek you’ll ever see.

(More chicks-and-robots-with-spanish-commentary here, if you go in for that sort of thing.)

They’ve got a fully articulated Obama action figure already. Scroll down for action shots.

Via MC Rob, we discover the wonder that is Barry Bernard and GasBangWallop.com:

An issue of Sesame Street magazine with Cookie Monster eating the World Trade Center.

Please go stand by the stairs.

Pak. Chooie. Unf.

Check out these snow prints.

McSweeney’s: Things I Would Say to Dorothy Parker If I Was Her Boyfriend That Would Lead to a Huge Fight.

(Via The Former Heights Attorney And Decidedly Not His Public-or-Pubic-Health-Obsessed Sister.)

There is no universe in which smelling like a hamburger is likely to get you laid.

Is there?

…the “Top 7 Images Too Badass To Be Real That Totally Are” includes one with this in its description:

Yes, in Chinese zoos there is a man whose sole duty is to make sudden movements and loud noises in order to frighten and aggravate the Horse-mounted Lion Cavalry.

I’ve always loved Beaker.

Even LOLCats, apparently, because how else can you explain Fuck You, Penguin?

Well, one comment: Unlike that guy, I’m not bald. I have at various times favored pipes, bow ties, and elbow-patches, though.

I like it here. It’s nice.

Snoop and Martha make taters.

This is not a joke.

Mrs Heathen and I just wasted more time than we’re willing to cop to on The Impossible Quiz. Can you get past question 61?

Really. Hey, he’s got Curtis Mayfield; what more could he want?

KittenCannon, a Flash game to fill the time before the polls close.

Sometimes, people can come together for a single cause, and create something really interesting and important. This fall we have an excellent example of this kind of thing, lead partly but not exclusively by a charismatic young African-American man with an extraordinary history and a tremendous amount of personal charisma.

I am speaking, of course, of the Thrill The World project, wherein people all over the world, simultaneously, dress as zombies and dance to “Thriller.” Video here, via JWZ.

BTW, apparently they had 800 participants in Austin.

Why do I post things like this? Clearly, I hate you all. SFW, though.

Boing Boing has a few selections from an election-themed and twitter-based round of Dozens, including such gems as:

• Yo mama so fat, her other biography is called “The Audacity of Hardee’s.

• Yo moms so fat Russia can see her from their house.

• Yo mama so fat, the only Supreme Court verdict she wants to overturn is HomeTown Buffet v. Yo Mama.

YTMND gives us the lyrics to Carmina Burana. (Flash audio)

Check out this broccoli package.

According to Wikipedia, the stripper on the cover of Tom Waits’ Small Change album is Cassandra Peterson, better known to the world as “Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.”

Also, Peterson turned 59 this year. Ouch. (Or 57, if you believe IMDB over Wikipedia.) Amusingly, she was a member of the Groundlings prior to the Elvira thing, and also appeared, briefly, in Diamonds are Forever as a showgirl.

Don’t Shoot The Puppy. I got to level 5. Can you?