In celebration of our upcoming HeathenDay, we’ve been blessed!

Two bits, recently:

ONE: I get an update email from an online magazine that’s usually chock full of images and crap. I read the text, and never bother loading the images. Actually, I rarely load any images, since images in email are usually worthless footer graphics or, worse, web bugs designed to allow the sender to know when and if you’ve read their mail. No thank you.

Sure enough, they think I’m not reading their updates, so they sent me a message saying “hey, we noticed you don’t read our mail, so we’ll quit sending it to you if you don’t [click here].”

Obviously, they’re using these web bugs. Icky. I like the magazine, but I don’t think I’ll bother reading the much anymore.

TWO: Yesterday, I got a call on the old line from a credit card company pitching add-on services. It was an ARU, but one dressed up and obfuscated in such a way as to try very hard to pretend it was a real person, and they’d worked hard enough that I was thrown initially. When I interrupted the voice to ask if it as a real person, it said “Do I sound that bad? (pause)” and then resumed its pitch. I asked irrelevant questions, and it clumsily spat out something based on keywords, like Eliza. I asked it to say “rutabaga,” and it hung up on me. Very creepy. Also an excellent way to ensure I never do business with your company.

Since the long engagement last year (almost exactly — I was in Maryland from 2/25/07 through 6/1/07, except for weekends), my travel has been mostly sane. I’ve had trips, and even back to back trips, but at no point were things nutty like the two-flights-a-week deal last winter.

Until this month.

• 2/5 – 2/11: Colorado for ski & strategy retreat with management
• 2/14 – 2/16: Austin for premier of Speeding Motorcycle
• 2/19 – 2/23: Washington (DC) for meetings and client service
• 2/23 – 2/24: Austin (again)
• 2/25 – 2/28: Daytona for conference

All told, I spent 16 nights of February in non-Houston locations. Ow.

The travel schedule has been crazy lately. More soon.

Also, Coen Uber Alles.

“How to Weigh a Baby.”

Read all the way through.

The following is a list of the electrical items which can be used without incident simultaneously in my office:

• MacBook Pro
• Two external monitors
• Two tower PCs
• Shredder
• Stereo
• Two active outboard hard drives
• One router
• Two switches
• One laser printer
• Two overhead lights
• Two cordless phones
• One Vonage network adapter
• One space heater

The following is a list of the electrical items which, when used simultaneously, will cause a breaker to flip:

• One MacBook Pro
• Two external monitors
• Two tower PCs
• One Shredder
• One Stereo
• Two active outboard hard drives
• One router
• Two switches
• One laser printer
• Two overhead lights
• One space heater
• Two cordless phones
• One Vonage network adapter
• One vacuum cleaner

That is all.

Last summer we pointed out the storage-stairs, but now we find that these angular space-saving stairs may be even cooler.

Via Rob, we find this:

Man blames car wreck on prehistoric winged reptile

By Rachel Schleif

WENATCHEE — A 29-year-old Wenatchee man told police a pterodactyl caused him to drive his car into a light pole about 11:30 p.m. Thursday.

Wenatchee police cited the man with first-degree negligent driving. A breathalyzer test showed “a minimal amount of alcohol,” said Wenatchee police Sgt. Cherie Smith.

Witnesses told police the man was northbound on Wenatchee Avenue and drifted into a southbound lane for less than a block. Oncoming traffic stopped and waited for the man to pass, Smith said.

He then totaled his car on a light pole, Smith said.

When police asked the man what caused the accident, his one-word answer was “pterodactyl,” Smith said. A pterodactyl was a giant winged reptile that lived more than 65 million years ago.

The man was treated and released at Central Washington Hospital, hospital officials said.

(See also.)

As should be obvious to anyone monitoring the Heathen Flickr Feed, I spent Xmas in Florida surrounded, or nearly so, by nieces on Mrs Heathen’s side of the family. Eldest Niece, currently seen at right, is busy being adorable in this set shot outside the in-laws’ place in Sarasota. Tip: “hide and seek” is generally played to 1,000,000 points with children of this age. Use caution. If possible, deploy Mrs Heathen, a/k/a the Toddler Whisperer. Auntie Bo, as she is know by the sub-3 set, enjoys near-divine status in Caroline’s eyes; we’re pretty sure Natalie and Layla will concur when they age a bit.

More to come; I shot a boatload of pix on the beach on 12/26, but haven’t had time to sort ’em.

IM, just now:

The Buffalo Beast has their 2007 “50 Most Loathsome People” list out, and it’s fanTAStic. Some highlights:

43. Sherri Shepherd

Charges: Perfectly illustrated the Creationist’s level of intellect when she declared her disbelief in evolution, and was immediately stumped about the shape of the earth, explaining her ignorance was due to the fact that she was too busy feeding her children to acquire rudimentary knowledge about… well, about anything, presumably. Further compounded her astonishing lack of basic knowledge when she authoritatively declared that Jesus Christ came before the ancient Greeks, and that she didn’t think “anything predated Christians.” Judging by these statements, Sherri probably thinks there are dragons on the other side of her desk.

Exhibit A: Accurately reflects the intelligence of her viewing audience.

Sentence: Pushed off the edge of the earth.

[…]

40. Lou Dobbs

Charges: Obvious, intensifying xenophobia and distrust of the yellow and brown races, possibly exacerbated by Mexican wife. Whatever useful message Dobbs once had about economic populism and the deleterious effects of globalization and cheap labor on American wages has long been tainted by his obvious animosity towards foreigners, specifically Mexicans and the Chinese. Every installment of his hour-long broadcast on CNN is dominated by reports about the “menace” of foreign imports, be they illegal immigrants crossing “our broken borders” to spread disease and rape our women, or poisonous products from “communist China.” Proof that Dobbs is a venomous yellow journalist shithead can be seen in his reaction media criticism of a segment on his show in which it was erroneously reported that there had been a sudden upsurge in leprosy cases, totaling 7,000 in just three years, the source of which was a lawyer who had also said in speeches that Mexican immigrants tend to molest children. In truth, there had been 7,000 cases of leprosy in the past thirty years. Dobbs was confronted several times with this fact — first he strongly defended his numbers, then strongly denied ever having used his numbers. A real journalist admits his errors. Dobbs is an ass.

Exhibit A: Sharply criticized the use of Mexican flags in immigrant demonstrations, then denied the obvious double standard of that comment by going on to say that he would have the same problem with Irish flags at the St. Patrick’s Day parade, and, in fact, that he was against St. Patrick’s Day. Yeah, sure, Lou.

Sentence: Stuffed with Green Cards; turned into amnesty pinata.

[…]

31. Dana Perino

Charges: In a nation weary of White House press secretaries who feign ignorance, the Bush administration took an innovative step this year, appointing one who genuinely doesn’t know anything. No more lies, America — Dana Perino really can’t answer your questions, honest! This slightly comely, over-promoted office wench not only didn’t know what the Cuban missile crisis or the Bay of Pigs even were; she actually thought it was a funny story to tell on NPR.

Exhibit A: “This is an issue where I’m sure lots of people would love to ridicule me when I say this, but it is true that many people die from cold-related deaths every winter. And there are studies that say that climate change in certain areas of the world would help those individuals.”

Sentence: Sent back in time to ’62; Strapped to bottom of U2 spy plane for extreme history lesson.

[…]

26. William Kristol

Charges: Bears the burlesque Cheshire grin of a sophist born with a large silver spoon jammed sideways in his mouth. A second generation neocon raised in the tradition of Straussian perception management and myth creation, Kristol is basically lying about everything — always — and he knows it. Whether at the helm of Rupert Murdoch’s Weekly Standard, appearing on Murdoch’s Fox News Channel, or co-founding the disastrous Project for a New American Century, Bill is arguably the most egregious media hawk of a generation. Seems to have suffered no ill impact to his career or prestige despite having been completely wrong about everything to do with Iraq and Iran, and actually laughs about it with obnoxious frequency.

Exhibit A: “First of all, whenever I hear anything described as a heartless assault on our children, I tend to think it’s a good idea. I’m happy that the President’s willing to do something bad for the kids.”

Sentence: Corners of mouth torn apart by metal hook towing mules and face stomped by high-heeled elephants.

[…]

23. Bill O’Reilly

Charges: If judgmentalism were sugar, anyone in the same city as this paragon of intellectual overconfidence would lose their teeth within five minutes. O’Reilly is everything that’s wrong with America: Won’t ever admit he was wrong about anything (and will lie repeatedly rather than correct himself), accuses all who disagree with him of treason or insanity, attacks all who criticize him, and glories in his own troglodytic bluster. Anoints himself an authority on morals, despite common knowledge that he is a sexual harasser. Pretends to be an “independent” who just happens to look, sound, and act exactly like a Republican. Hasn’t engaged in a valid exchange of ideas in his entire career, because he knows he’d be crushed in seconds by an average college freshman. O’Reilly wins by interrupting, shouting, and if all else fails, cutting off his opponent’s microphone. A tiny, scared child of a man.

Exhibit A: “And this is what white America doesn’t know, particularly people who don’t have a lot of interaction with black Americans. They think that the culture is dominated by Twista, Ludacris, and Snoop Dogg.” Gee Bill, where would they get that idea?

Sentence: Marinated, barbecued, and served at Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem, where the blacks eat just like real people.

22. David Petraeus

Charges: Two-star schlub elevated to four-star cheerleader, because all the experienced generals retired out of shame or dignity. Under Dave’s leadership training Iraqi security forces from 2004-05, the Pentagon lost track of approximately 30% of weapons distributed, including some 100,000 AK-47 assault rifles. “Petraeus Report” rife with statistical manipulations, discounts pre-surge trends, claiming them as its own, and was heavily vetted, if not written entirely, by the White House.

Exhibit A: Nicknamed “Peaches.” Seriously.

Sentence: Joins Sadr army, betraying us and vindicating Moveon.org. Shot in back of head, so his death can’t be counted as a casualty.

[…]

19. Robert E. Murray

Charges: A modern-day Boss Tweed who saw the Grandall Canyon mine disaster as his own personal tragedy, weeping for the cameras while he tried to cover his ass in the most ridiculous way imaginable, insisting his mine collapsed due to an earthquake that somehow went undetected by seismologists, rather than the corner-cutting, cash-wringing, dangerous practice of retreat mining. This bloated, maniacal jackass is so out of touch that he didn’t seem to recognize the horrified disgust on the faces of the miners’ families he coddled for the cameras, as if they weren’t real people to him, just props in some insane, ego-driven PR campaign to minimize his financial liability. A caricature of industrial greed.

Exhibit A: Says Al Gore is “more dangerous than global warming.”

Sentence: Buried upside down in anthracite until death, while Donald Trump stands next to his feet and gives hourly speeches about how much he cares about it.

18. Kevin Martin

Charges: Before attempting to Chairpig the FCC into a realm of media consolidation that would’ve made Sylvio Berlusconi blush, Martin served as Deputy General Counsel for the Bush-Cheney 2000 Florida recount team, and prior to that as Ken Starr’s assistant and Dick Cheney’s lawyer. Judging by his appearance today, he must have passed the bar at twelve. Like a good Bushie, Martin is doing everything he can — which is a lot — to increase corporate control of the media, moving to allow newspapers to own radio and TV stations despite constant exhortations from everyone but Rupert Murdoch not to do so.

Exhibit A: When he’s not busy crushing independent media, Martin crusades against America’s true enemies: Tits and the word “fuck.”

Sentence: Asphyxiated in cloud of Monsanto-produced poison his Newscorp-owned local news station failed to report. Death also unreported.

17. Hillary Clinton

Charges: Began in politics as a teenage Nixon supporter — that’s twisted. Moved on to corporate law, representing Wal-Mart and bravely defending Coca-Cola from disabled employees. Married out of ambition. Failed miserably as the first lady of health care. Has spent whole of senatorial career as a hawk and a panderer. Would have no shot at becoming president if she didn’t just happen to be married to one already.

Exhibit A: Has deftly avoided the flip-flopper label — by never, ever answering a question directly or committing to a position in the first place.

Sentence: Victim of vast right wing conspiracy to shove a brick up her ass.

[…]

10. Alberto Gonzales

Crimes: The most truckling, amoral flunky to ever serve as Attorney General. A jurisprudent organelle, he manifests no concept of the law independent of its expediency to the president. Would smilingly accuse himself of providing material support to al Qaeda at President Bush’s request, hurriedly plead guilty, sign his own death warrant and flip the switch himself. His testimony before congressional committees is to public service what cholera is to the small intestine. As first Hispanic Attorney General, Gonzo typifies the self-betrayal and ethical compromise necessary for minorities to become successful Republicans. Been felching sweet approval from Bush’s lily-white ass since Texas. A conscienceless, memo-drafting, loophole-crafting liar for hire, pushing for all the worst administration policies, including nixing habeas corpus, denying and then defending rendition, torture, political firings, and a ton of other evil stuff. He even visited a seriously ill and disoriented John Ashcroft at the hospital, attempting to coax him into reauthorizing a clearly illegal wiretapping program. The only Attorney General who ever could have made John Ashcroft a sympathetic character by contrast.

Exhibit A: “The fact that the Constitution — again, there is no express grant of habeas in the Constitution. There is a prohibition against taking it away.”

Sentence: Death by dull guillotine, head bent by Beckham.

9. You

Charges: You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you. You suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy asked you to press 9 for Spanish. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism — it’s nationalism when foreigners do it. You hate anyone who seems smarter than you. You care more about zygotes than actual people. You love to blame people for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over. You still think Republicans favor limited government. Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for Britney Spears’ children. You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy. You think you’re going to get universal health care. You tolerate the phrase “enhanced interrogation techniques.” You think the government is actually trying to improve education. You think watching CNN makes you smarter. You think two parties is enough. You can’t spell. You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable. You believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don’t want to die. You think lowering taxes raises revenue. You think the economy’s doing well. You’re an idiot.

Exhibit A: You couldn’t get enough Anna Nicole Smith coverage.

Sentence: A gradual decline into abject poverty as you continue to vote against your own self-interest. Death by an easily treated disorder that your health insurance doesn’t cover. You deserve it, chump.

[…]

5. Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid

Charges: Graduates of the Neville Chamberlain school of appeasement, the Democratic leadership continues to ignore the constitution-and the American people-by keeping impeachment “off the table” and refusing to defund the war. True pushovers, they’re too stupid, cowardly, weak and outmatched politically to accomplish anything substantive, their “strategy” essentially boiling down to whining a lot while handing Bush whatever the hell he wants. There is just no way that appearing this weak and ineffectual could be any better for them politically than impeachment. Everything that the White House gets away with, it gets away with because congress allows it.

Exhibit A: Failure to woo the two thirds majority needed to override a presidential veto is moot: They could defund the war with a 41-senator budgetary filibuster. But that would take guts and conviction.

Sentence: 2 cups anthrax bisque.

And of course, the top two should come as no surprise:

2. Dick Cheney

Charges: Worst president ever. So openly horrible, he now makes jokes about being Darth Vader. Unashamedly advocating for executive abuse of power and corporate theft. In and out of public office since his congressional internship during the Nixon Administration. Didn’t care about the quagmire he foresaw in ’94, because since then he’d deftly maneuvered to profit from it. Polling lower than HPV.

Exhibit A: His Halliburton stock rose 3000% in 2007. No joke.

Punishment: Raped by the sun.

1. George W. Bush

Charges: Is it a civil rights milestone to have a retarded president? Maybe it would be, if he were ever legitimately elected. You can practically hear the whole nation holding its breath, hoping this guy will just fucking leave come January ’09 and not declare martial law. Only supporters left are the ones who would worship a fucking turnip if it promised to kill foreigners. Is so clearly not in charge of his own White House that his feeble attempts to define himself as “decider” or “commander guy” are the equivalent of a five-year-old kid sitting on his dad’s Harley and saying “vroom vroom!” Has lost so many disgusted staffers that all he’s left with are the kids from Jesus Camp. The first president who is so visibly stupid he can say “I didn’t know what was in the National Intelligence Estimate until last week” and sound plausible. Inarguably a major criminal and a much greater threat to the future of America than any Muslim terrorist.

Exhibit A: “And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.”

Sentence: Dismembered, limbs donated to injured veterans.

A woman in Georgia apparently spent some 72 hours in her local Wal-Mart until being asked to leave. After, of course, paying for her goods.

May the God of your choice bless you, to steal a phrase from Kinky. We’re going walkabout, so we can’t promise Hot Heathen Action for the next few days. In the meantime, content yourself with this tale of a woman ticketed for goatfucking. (SFW, really.)

Elder Heathen Niece has a lot of work to do if her plan is to remove snow from Albany. At least it’s a big spoon.

Uberblogger Heather Armstrong — better known as Dooce — has posted a very naked and blunt account of her struggles with mental health in the hopes that being so honest will encourage others struggling with the same problems to seek help, as she did, so they can enjoy a healthy life, as she now does.

Go. Read. Share.

Sorry for the radio silence. We’ve just had a full weekend. It’s the holidays. ;)

Ever wonder whatever happened to the puppets used in Rankin-Bass‘s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Wonder no more.

Two years ago, the figures were acquired by current owner Kevin Kriess. Santa’s face was stained, there was mold under his beard and half his mustache was gone. Rudolph was missing the red light bulb from his nose, said Kriess, a longtime fan of the special whose Harmony, Pennslyvania-based business TimeandSpaceToys.com sells action figures and other collectibles based on movies and TV shows.

Kriess, 44, said he bought his two treasures from a person whose family had received them years ago from a relative who worked for Rankin/Bass. For many years, the delicate wood, wire and fabric puppets had been treated casually: first as toys and later as holiday decorations.

“They had Rudolph in a candy dish with candy all around him, just on a coffee table, and people would just reach in around Rudolph’s body and pull out a candy cane or something,” Kriess said. In the family’s holiday photos, you could spot Santa slumped under a tree in a corner, he said.

Arthur Rankin Jr., who with producing partner Jules Bass created the “Rudolph” special for original sponsor General Electric, said the figures were just going to be thrown out, so his secretary took them home and gave them to family. No effort was made to preserve them, because no one imagined the show would become a hallowed classic.

“You make a film and you don’t know whether it’s going to work or not, whether it will have an audience,” said Rankin, 83, reached by phone in Bermuda, where he is now retired. “In the case of ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,’ it went beyond any expectations.”

Daily Coyote chronicles the growth of a coyote pup rescued as a tiny orphan by a Wyoming woman.

In 2000, I bought my townhouse. It, like most homes, came with a kitchen sink, which in turn came with a faucet.

At some point in my first year of ownership, the faucet developed a terminal leak (it was, unaccountably, a cheapie — sitting not 3 feet from a Bosch dishwasher, mind you), and I had it replaced with a fancy one from American Standard called a ClearTap. My new faucet was sort of stealthily fancy, actually; it looked normal to the unattentive eye, and behaved normally in the up-and-left or up-and-right modes common to single-handle faucets. However, if the operator pushed the lever to the right, laterally, with no upward force, it dispensed filtered water from a dedicated additional port — which, at the time, obviated the need for me to continue to do business with Ozarka, who had already acquired all the other water companies in Houston. Neato. Sold.

Well, at some point this faucet started leaking. I know this because, at some point, we developed some minor water stains in the ceiling on the floor below. I could never catch it in the act, and so thought (erroneously) it was something else. That changed last week, when we found the ClearTap filter housing steadily drip-drip-dripping water. Uh-oh.

I called a plumber (who does not, for the record, sell faucets). He poked, prodded, and investigated my now-aging faucet and pronounced its condition financially terminal. In addition to the ClearTap filter area leak, the sprayer also dribbles, and some friction mount parts in the main pivot are also failing. It’s theoretically fixable, but plumber rates are such that simple replacement will be cheaper.

Since (a) the filters for the thing are about $20 and (b) I tend to buy them in bulk, I’ve got about $100 worth in the pantry, so I went online looking for a replacement ClearTap, and found them nowhere. Ooops. I checked the AmStd site, and still no joy, so I called them to find out the scoop.

AmStd’s story — via the very nice Nancy — on this is that they dropped the product because they sold poorly (there are easier ways to get filtered water now, apparently), not because they leak. Then, without warning, the conversation got kind of odd:

Nancy: So, can I have your address and phone number?

Me: Um, why? Are you coming to fix it?

Nancy: (laughs) No, so we can send you another conventional faucet. We’ll also need a digital picture of the one you have so we can match it.

Me: Hang on now, what’s the cost?

Nancy: Oh, nothing.

Me: (speechless)

Yep. 6 or 7 years into its life — which, according to the plumber at least, is an acceptable life span; the cheapie that came with the 1997-era house only lasted 3 or 4 years — and well past whatever warranty it had, American Standard is replacing it, and doing so without me actually asking them to (I suppose this may be their way of compensating me for the $100 in filters I’m about to eat, but Nancy didn’t mention a connection). Wacky.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Also, happy dead JFK day.

It’s our attorney’s birthday. We will not discuss how old the linked photo is, but if you have his contact data, you might want to razz him.

John Scalzi visits the Creation Museum, to whom we will not link. He also took and captioned several pictures. We suggest enjoying both.

Our affection for Fred Clark’s Slacktivist is well documented. Clark is a journalist, but also an evangelical Christian frankly dismayed by what’s become of his church. He’s made much sport of the Left Behind books in a series of posts described as “reading them so you don’t have to;” they are at once hilarious and depressing.

He’s in the midst of a new series of posts now worth a review if you find yourself confused by the vision of a church based on Christ’s compassion being so obsessed with contempt for homosexuals. Check out “The Gay-Hatin’ Gospel:”

• Part 1: The Safe Target
• Part 2: Inner Demons
• Part 3: The Innocent Backlash
• Part 4: The Exegetical Panic Defense, which includes this:

Part of the answer, I think, has little to do with homosexuals or homosexuality per se. It has to do, rather, with epistemology — with the need for certainty and the panicked hostility that surfaces when that certainty is threatened. “We see through a glass, darkly,” St. Paul said, warning against the temptation to chase the will-o’-the-wisp of certainty. But American evangelicalism is largely based on the idea that certainty is not only possible, but necessary. Mandatory, even. This certainty can be achieved thanks to the one-legged stool of the Evangelical Unilateral. That’s a made-up term, but it describes something real. It’s a play on the “Wesleyan Quadrilateral” — an approach to theological thinking that relies on the four foundations of scripture, tradition/community, reason and experience. The evangelical approach to theological thinking is exactly like this Wesleyan method, except it doesn’t include tradition or community. Or reason. Or experience.

• Part 5: It’s the politics, stupid
• Part 6: In which critics who believe there really IS some sort of moral struggle happening are answered, and he illustrates how a longing for legislative enforcement of religious mores paints a picture of weak moral fiber

I’m sure he’s more to say on the subject, but read these. It’s illuminating.

Click through if 5.14c rings any bells for you. The route includes a 30-foot runout and a 70+ foot fall potential.

So, there’s a lotto-type game over there, and one of the scratch-off games involved getting temperature values lower than some target value. Bonehead buys card (thus illustrating a basic and common level of innumeracy) that has target value of -8, scratches off two numbers, and then is convinced he’s being had because he doesn’t know -6 is higher than -8:

On one of my cards it said I had to find temperatures lower than -8. The numbers I uncovered were -6 and -7 so I thought I had won, and so did the woman in the shop. But when she scanned the card the machine said I hadn’t.

I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher – not lower – than -8 but I’m not having it.

Wow.

Some Heathen might enjoy BabyGadget.

The Fifth of November.

Arlington, VA.

So far, not nearly as much fun as Seattle.

Reason runs down the threat to liberty that has grown out of Candy Lightner’s MADD. Lightner founded Mothers Against Drunk Driving in 1980, but now finds their obsession with any alcohol consumption to border on mania. She’s right.

As it happens, pushing the legal limit lower and lower isn’t driven by data at all; it’s more about Carrie Nation redux. Click through for more. Lowering the limit from .1 to .08 did NOTHING statistically meaningful to traffic fatalities, though we’re sure it certainly DID add significant cash to country and city coffers.

(Bama alums only)

City Cafe now takes plastic. So wrong. So very, very wrong.

It’s apparently Official Kilt Day!

All you people who keep using Evite — with its utterly useless emails completely free of information — please read this:

The main problem with Evite is the uninformative email. “You are invited to Heather’s Divorce Party,” says Evite, with a personal message from the host but no actual information. To make a decision as a guest, I have to click over to Evite; that cramps my style if I’m trying to be at all productive with my inbox. Plus it’s a pain when I’m en route to the party and need to double-check the address. If only I could just check my email on my phone, but no, all the info is trapped in Evite! The “send it to my phone” option is silly, as I probably won’t remember to do that until I’m already away from my computer.

The site is also annoying to use: I can only export the event to iCal, RSVPing takes me to a useless page instead of back to the event, and the site is full of ads and unrelated links. Evite is the MySpace of invitations.

That’s almost all fixed with Socializr and MyPunchbowl. Socializr sends a complete email with party time, location and information…

Seriously. NO more evite. Please.

The Heathen Central Compound is well insulated, so we’ve never had to deal with the neighbor who fucks too much. (SFW except for language; all text; hilarious.)

It’s Heathen Mike’s Birfday. He doesn’t look like this anymore, but it’s still a funny picture (Tuscaloosa, Alabama, 1988):

Check it out

730 days ago today, Mrs Heathen To Be became Mrs Heathen. Though we’ve been together since 2001, married really is different and better, and we can’t say enough how lucky we feel to be married to her. Our life is better in every conceivable way with her. Happy anniversary, baby.

So, we just watched this cute seal video, and it occurred to us that the reason we perceive 99% of wild mammals as “cute” is that we’re bigger than they are, so they don’t see us food.

The Lil’est Heathen is documented here. Enjoy.

Look! It’s Layla!

(Also, the joke that will never get old.)

Check out Pigroast 07.

Y’all welcome Layla Farmer, born this afternoon, just a few days early. (With Agent Triple-F, in hat, with beard.)

Al Murray is a British comic who performs as though he were a pub landlord with a profound dislike for anything not British. Check him out.

How to roll a joint with Pierre Berton.

Our cousin is still an idiot. At least he’s leaving the House.

Full text of letter, in case the Jackson paper loses it:

September 25, 2007

Pickering’s TV act would suppress artistic freedoms

Someone from the Department of Human Services needs to visit 3rd District U.S. Rep. Chip Pickering’s home immediately. His children are in danger. I am not exactly sure of the details, but apparently his household televisions are on at all hours of the day, switching uncontrollably to programs that would otherwise be locked out by a V-Chip.

Rep. Pickering has apparently exhausted his options and introduced the “Protecting Children From Indecent Programming Act.” This bill would make the FCC take action for any broadcast with even a single “obscene” word or image.

While I applaud Pickering’s efforts to act as my legal guardian, I already have a father, and he introduced me to an amazing tool in the battle against the television demons – the remote control. Amazingly enough, when faced with inappropriate programming, I can use this device to either turn off my television or change the signal in such a way that another “channel” is shown on the screen.

Certainly, he has tried the remote control before going so far as to introduce legislation aimed at suppressing artistic freedoms. I am positive he has even tried to manually turn the television off, set the Parental Password so his children would be safe to watch television while he apparently has plopped them in front of it and left them, and even gone so far as remove the televisions from his home.

In the interest of these poor children, something must be done to ensure they are no longer exposed to this obscenity that comes on television at hours past what most parents set as bedtime. Please. Won’t you think of the children?

Emily Evans
Hattiesburg

(No, we’re not kidding. His father is more (in)famous, but they’re both our cousins; our great-great-grandparents are (were) Chip’s great-grandparents. Thanks for the heads-up, Triple-F.)

So, for about a month, our ATM receipts have consistently shown that the bank thinks there’s been about a grand more in the Heathen Coffers than we think there should be. We chalked it up to someone sitting on a check somewhere, or several someones, and figured it would even out eventually.

As we reviewed our record of last month’s with Quicken, we found the issue. We like the neighborhood crepe place. They’re good, but they’re not THIS good:

The bank’s version of this transaction is a much more factual $9.12.

Michelle points out the tale of This American Jeff, a clever boy in Oxford, MS, who wanted to work for This American Life so much that he put together a hilarious mashup faux-interview in Flash as part of his campaign to work there. Go watch it; it’s great.

They demurred, amazingly, citing insensitivity in humor:

Regarding the flash “interview” on your Web site: While we appreciate the use of comedy and creative job applications, the part of the animation where a candidate was dismissed and was then referred to as “overly gay” was inappropriate, especially for a job application. We at Chicago Public Radio are very proud of having a diverse workplace and that includes sexual orientation. I’m writing to inform you, your resume is no longer under consideration.

Book Carving. Seriously, check this out.

The following were entries written onsite at [REDACTED], our client back during the spring. We’re posting them now mostly because we’ve got a completion fetish.

Things Overheard at Work (5/22)

“Hey, did you know that just anybody can edit Wikipedia?” sigh.

You probably think this is obvious, but you’re wrong (5/21)

Gas is now officially more expensive than ever. The previous high was $1.35 in 1981, which, when adjusted for inflation, comes to about $3.15 in 2007 dollars. The latest reading from the Lundberg Survey puts the current average at $3.18.

REALLY geeky (5/21)

In case you ever need to know this: you can create modern “soft-wrapped” text in Emacs using this technique. So far, it’s working rather well.

You believe in homeopathy.

Senseless jingoistic 9/11 anniversary navel-gazing. Fuck that.