Buffy in for non-Whedon feature relaunch. Via MeFi.

Cameron’s house is for sale. Stop, look around, and have $2.3 million, and you won’t miss a thing. Particulars: 5,300 square feet in two buildings; 4 bedrooms, 4 full baths, and incredible views.

Enjoy.

Lorenzo Llamas and Debbie Gibson star in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus:

Quoth Will: “I genuinely don’t know whether to shit or go blind.” True, Will, true. Direct to DVD on May 19. Who’s with me?

On a Saturday. During an Alabama game:

Stay with it ’til the end.

Treme, David Simon’s new show about New Orleans post-Katrina, has been picked up by HBO.

Dom DeLouise is dead; I’m not sure what shocks me more: that he’s dead, or that he was seventy five. Something else I learned from the obit: He was in Fail-Safe.

Here he is with Dean Martin in a sketch that was apparently much, much funnier at the time. On the other hand, the outtakes from Cannonball Run are still hilarious. (Which reminds us of this delightful and perfect homage from The State.)

A California woman decided to have a bit of fun with her ten-year high school reunion, so she hired a stripper to impersonate her as a struggling artist trailed by a film crew working on a “documentary” while she watched from a nearby hotel room and fed the imposter names and anecdotes via a hidden earpiece to sell the scheme.

FanTAStic. She’s shopping the whole thing as a film now.

Via Siege, we find the sad tale of an insane penguin, narrated (naturally) by Werner Herzog. (2:27 Youtube)

Moon, as it stars Sam Rockwell.

Turns out, if you ignore threats to your business model with halfassed responses to innovation on multiple fronts, well, you just may end up screwed.

MTV’s The State may finally hit DVD this summer.

Bad news from Mrs Heathen: Andy Hallett, the actor behind the green-skinned lounge owner Lorne on “Angel,” died yesterday of a heart ailment. He was 33.

It’s apparently time for the obligatory where are they now stories. Turns out one of ’em died of a brain tumor already. Wacky.

You will feel weird and potentially a little sad when I tell you that they’re making a live-action movie out of “Where the Wild Things Are“. I think that’s normal.

Then I will tell you that Spike Jonze (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation) is directing a script he co-wrote with Dave Eggars, and then show you the trailer. I have Hope, and I didn’t even mention some of the voices used for the wild things (Lauren Ambrose, Forrest Whitaker, Chris Cooper, James Gandolfini). It’s obvious they’ve expanded the plot a bit, but with those two on the screenplay it seems likely they’ve kept the spirit of the thing.

Go watch World Builder, a 10-minute short by Bruce Branit about a strange man who builds a holographic world for the woman he loves. It’s beyond cool.

Meshugene Men:

io9 now has some footage from the Kiki were-sheep film Black Sheep.

CollegeHumor is notoriously hit or miss, but this trio of deeply inappropriate DirecTV ads deliciously skewers the “let’s edit a classic movie for a commercial” trope.

(Edgar in particular should not miss the third example, which is definitely NSFW.)

John Scalzi has the funniest photo comment on the ending change we’ve yet seen. Spoilery, obviously.

Saturday Morning Watchmen should NOT be missed. Someone should show this to Alan Moore. The in-jokes are absolutely fantastic, but they’re spoilery so I won’t comment on them here.

The same actress played John Wayne’s kid sidekick in True Grit and John Cusak’s mom in Better Off Dead.

He’s hard at work on Treme, set in New Orleans, and has already cast Wire vets Clarke Peters (Lester) and Wendell Pierce (Bunk; Pierce is a New Orleans native). Steve Zahn is also said to be in talks to star, with Deadwood alum Kim Dickens (Joanie Stubbs) along as love interest.

But that doesn’t make this trailer for Mel Gibson’s new movie any less funny:

Some years ago, I had a strange dream wherein I was living in a Cicely, Alaska, type town in the middle of the northwestern wilderness, and part of the quirky charm of the area was the intelligent moose population — but part of the tension of the dream was that, unbeknownst to the population at large, the moose were under predation by some vampiric influences, resulting in a near-complete conversion of the moose population from “herbivore” to “blood-drinker.”

Yeah. No idea.

Anyway, a discussion of this dream later made me realize that while vampiric moose are funny, the whole idea of a weremoose was enough to send me into beverage-spewing hysterics, and indeed is making me giggle even as I type this. Which is why seeing this prop over at Io9 makes me want to see this movie so very much.

The film — Black Sheep — centers on a young man with a horrible phobia of sheep returning to his ancestral New Zealand ranch to sell his share to his brother. Unbeknownst to our hero, the black-hearted brother has been experimenting on the sheep, turning the docile little buggars into bloodthirsty carnivores whose bite — you guessed it! — turns humans into bloodthirsty were-sheep. Madcap hilarity must, of course, ensue.

I Am Not Making This Up.

Who’s with me?

I didn’t know this until just now, but Groundhog Day is almost certainly a stolen film; the plot first surfaced in a 1973 short story called 12:01 PM, wherein the loop is only an hour long, and the only one aware of it is a sad-sack businessman.

The story was then made into a 1990 Academy-Award winning short film far, far more disturbing than the Bill Murray classic. A subsequent TV movie expanded the idea to a full day.

The author and 1990 director brought suit, apparently, but were unable to compete legally with the essentially limitless resources of Columbia Pictures.

The good news is that the 1990 film is available on Youtube, split into 3 parts (total running time is 25 minutes). The protagonist is played by an actor you will find familiar.

I somehow ended up watching all four hours of the horrible TV adaptation of XIII last Sunday and last night, and boy am I sorry.

Here’s the main problem: XIII was a very well-received graphic novel first, over in Belgium of all places. It then made the leap into an interesting first-person shooter whose charm was enhanced by the fact that it was done not in a photorealistic style, but instead as though the player were playing the comic. Nice idea, and apparently well-executed.

Well, here comes the nearly inevitable film adaptation, clearly shot on the cheap with has-been (as in “has-been MUCH THINNER before now”) Val Kilmer in a bit part, and Stephen Dorff as the eponymous XIII.

And it’s bad. Really bad. Granted, there probably hasn’t been a decent plotline yet that actually works well in all three formats (game, comic, TV) because of the various demands and quirks of each medium, so they definitely get SOME slack for taking a swing at it. And there were parts that weren’t awful, but on the whole the entire affair ran on rails, telegraphing twists well before they happened. Plus, since it needed to anchor two evenings, it felt super-bloated at four hours (well, minus commercials). Add to this the fact that the plot of Shooter is basically the same thing, but in a much better movie, and you get some annoyance.

However, the single greatest area this steamer fails is in preventable problems clearly the result of a complete disregard for verifiable facts. To wit:

1. One scene, said to be “the day before election day,” or early November, shows Arlington National Cemetery under a few inches of snow. Snow that early in or around the District would be freakish and weird, and while not unprecedented, is still out of place here.

2. Compounding the error, though, is the very next shot of the film, which shows a lush and verdant White House lawn. Trees are full of leaves, the sky is blue, and there’s no hint of winter. Um, what? News flash to filmmakers: The White House is only about two miles from Arlington, dumbasses.

3. In another shot displaying a willful ignorance of basic DC geography, a phone call placed from “a pay phone in Dupont Circle” shows the caller with a clear view of the Capitol down a wide boulevard. Leaving aside for a moment the basic problem — the Capitol isn’t visible from Dupont — the view provided OF the Capitol is from the east, and Dupont is northwest.

4. A plotpoint of the film is a presidential race between a successor Vice President and the opposite-party candidate, who happens to be the assassinated President’s brother. That’s a little weird, but here’s the really fun part: a political ad we see in the film claims that the Vice President “as governor of Illinois voted to cut funding for the Marines.” Um, what?

5. A late-film development is the deployment of a dirty bomb at a Bethesda polling station on election day, as a way to allow the government to impose martial law and disrupt the electoral process. This opens the door for a twofer of stupidity. First, we see elaborate, TSA-style security measures at the polling station, which have never been in place any time I’ve voted anywhere.

6. The real screamer, though, is that (according to dialog in the film) DC suburb Bethesda, Maryland is “four hours from DC.” That’s some metro line, isn’t it?

Compare all this to the slavish attention to real-world geography shown by the Fallout 3 team on a video game.

Sigh. It’s what I get for watching a broadcast network, really. If NBC/CBS/ABC/Fox ever get something decent on the air, it’s got to be a complete accident.

The Sarah Connor Chronicles is back from an extended hiatus, and is the lead-in show to Joss Whedon’s new Dollhouse. However, collisions being what they are, we’re grabbing the Terminator stuff with the TV and getting DH online.

Except Fox has TSCC scheduled from 7:00 to 8:01, which makes it a PITA to tape TSCC and then grab something else on another channel at 8. It also means that even if you rig up a manual recording for TSCC, you miss the last minute or two of the show. This is clearly a ploy to drive viewers to Dollhouse, but it’s a cheesetastic dick move even if it is in service of a show creator we Heathen enjoy (Whedon).

Well, fuck you, Fox. And to think they wonder why people torrent TV; crap like this makes it objectively simpler to just download than it is to watch normally. (And, seriously, fuck Fox’s busy-as-shit halfass view-online site. It’s fallen down on me too many times to bother with anymore when I can get an HD torrent to watch without wrestling with browser plug-ins and net congestion.)

Seriously, what could be more awesome than Zombie Nazis?

Full trailer at the official site; the tagline is, of course, “Ein, Zwei, DIE!”

Rob Thomas is writing a Veronica Mars movie.

I was sure I’d written before about the Amen Break, a drum break taken from a 1960s group that you’ve heard over and over and over. Actually, it’s this documentary I thought I’d linked — if you haven’t heard it, carve out 20 minutes and listen; it’s worth your time.

Anyway, it turns out that the Wilhelm Scream is sort of the Amen Break of ADR/foley screams, and has appeared in countless fight sequences since its debut in 1951’s “Distant Drums,” including Star Wars. Check it out.

NSFW:

Cracked: Every episode of House ever, summarized.

David Cross explains why Arrested Devlopment was cancelled in 38 seconds:

Via JKW on Facebook, check this out.

HBO’s posted a five minute rap summarizing all 5 seasons of the groundbreaking show. FanTAStic.

Via Igor, we find this delightful short.

In 2009, one film has it all.

The last supplier of the tapes is shutting down; the article notes that it’s been more than two years since a major film had a home release plan that included tape (it was A History of Violence, released for home video in 2006).

So it may finally be dead. But let’s cut off its head and bury it at the crossroads, just to be sure.

…I’m reasonably sure there’s a post about It’s A Wonderful Life for very nearly every year this site has existed. This is the 2008 version, spawned largely by this excellent piece from the New York times that points out something I’ve long kinda kept under my hat:

Capra’s film is really about the loss of dreams, and making do with what you get.

George wanted nothing in his life more than to escape boring old Bedford Falls, and is thwarted at every turn. He was denied even his generational globe-trotting (if harrowing) war-travel birthright because of his ear. Moreover, it’s not just the Universe giving George the finger; it’s his own family — his brother welshes on their deal, and instead of returning after college to run the B&L (and allow George to get his degree, too), he runs off to get married and work for his new in-laws somewhere else. When the crash comes, even hopes of a temporary escape collapse as George and Mary use their seed money to keep the B&L afloat.

From the NYT piece:

“It’s a Wonderful Life” is a terrifying, asphyxiating story about growing up and relinquishing your dreams, of seeing your father driven to the grave before his time, of living among bitter, small-minded people. It is a story of being trapped, of compromising, of watching others move ahead and away, of becoming so filled with rage that you verbally abuse your children, their teacher and your oppressively perfect wife. It is also a nightmare account of an endless home renovation.

He’s right. And yet still we watch it. It’s a horror film in many ways, but one where the monster isn’t Jason or Freddie; instead, the thing under the bed is a stultifying hometown filled with people who love you. How twisted is that?

(Also amusing: I followed that article to the Wikipedia article about Gloria “Violet” Grahame; hers was a sordid Hollywood life, and included a number of paramours — as well as the distinction of spawning children by both Nicholas Ray and, later, Tom Ray — her former stepson. Wild!)

“It seems we’ve landed on some sort of comedy variety show planet.” Kottke’s found the whole Star Wars appearance on the Muppet Show in 1980. Bonus: their appearance is sold as an “accident,” wherein they bump the formerly scheduled guest, Angus McGonagle the Argyle Gargoyle (who gorgeously gargles Gershwin).

I remember watching this in 1980, shocked and amazed at the whole idea of Luke and 3PO on TV.

Update: I do not actually recommend watching all three parts, lest you inadvertently watch the dance number in the third act.

Don’t you sort of miss Clay Davis?

From Lucas’ AFI award ceremony, here’s Carrie Fisher. Stay with it through the end:

How much do you love “I hope I slept with you to get the job, because if I didn’t, who the HELL was that guy?”

This 13-minute recap of the entire Battlestar Galactica run is delightful even if you haven’t forgotten anything. BSG returns on January 16.

All you need to know about this film is that it’s called Black Dynomite and it has Captain Kangaroo in it.

Saturday Night Live now has its first second-generation castmember in Abby Elliot, an Upright Citizens’ Brigade/Groundlings alum who also happens to be Letterman fixture and 1994-95 SNL cast member Chris Elliot‘s daughter. Bonus: Elliot is the granddaughter of 50s comic Bob Elliot.

By John Hodgman:

1. Dr. No (1962, Sean Connery). It all starts here, when Connery introduces himself at the baccarat table. Ursula Andress wows audiences as she strides out of the sea in a belted bikini as Honey Rider (the image is iconic enough that it’s been referenced twice since then, first by Halle Berry in the forgettable “Die Another Day,” and then in the #2 film by Bond himself). Jack Lord co-stars as Felix Leiter, Bond’s CIA counterpart; Lord was already too famous from Hawaii 5-0 to continue in the role, however, and the role proved somewhat intermittent anyway — since ’62, he’s been in 9 films (counting the upcoming Quantum) and been played by 7 people (most recently Jeffrey Wright).

2. Casino Royale (2006). Daniel Craig renews the entire franchise. It’s really that simple. That’s a little over-simplistic; they did well by hiring Judi Dench a few films ago, but the wholesale reboot here makes the whole affair seem fresh, even if the parkour sequence seems a bit contrived up front.

3. Goldfinger (1964, Connery). Look, how do you NOT love a film wherein Honor Blackman introduces herself as “My name is Pussy Galore?” The other star of this one is the Aston-Martin DB5 (the same make and model Craig’s Bond wins at poker in Casino Royale) chock full of, shall we say, aftermarket goodies. (“Ejector seat? You’re joking!” “I never joke about my work, 007”.)

4. From Russia, with Love (1963, Connery). By far the most complexly plotted of the original films, it’s still somehow under-appreciated by modern fans. Bonus: nemesis Red Grant is played by Robert Shaw, later famous as the salty old fisherman Quint in Jaws. The gadget thing starts here with a fantastic trick briefcase.

5. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969, George Lazenby). The odd one out; you can win bar bets by knowing this Australian model’s name. The story is that Connery left the role for fear of being typecast, and Lazenby got the nod. Then Connery decided to come back one more time (for 1971’s Diamonds are Forever), and poor old George got the boot. The film is quieter and a bit more subtle than most Bond outings; it’s also the only one with an actual romance (until 2006, anyway). Bond’s paramour in this one is played by Diana Rigg, and by the film’s end he’s married her. Sadly, she’s also murdered by arch-nemesis Blofeld (a viciously cackling Telly Savalas!) before the credits roll. [Blofeld, Bond’s most persistent antagonist, appears or orchestrates action in five films, but shows his face in only three. In those, he’s played by three different actors: Savalas here, but previously Donald Pleasance (“Halloween”) in “You Only Live Twice” and subsequently by Charles Gray (the Criminologist from “Rocky Horror”) in “Diamonds are Forever.”]

6. GoldenEye (1995, Pierce Brosnan). I always thought it was cool that Brosnan got a second shot at Bond after NBC wouldn’t let him out of “Remington Steele” to take the role in ’86. It’s a damned shame only one of his films is worth watching. It’s only in checking facts to write this that I realize why this may be: GoldenEye was directed by martin Campbell, who also directed Casino Royale. The plot here is more plausible than most, too — post-USSR heavy weapons are ending up in the wrong hands, and Bond has to stop it. It earns extra points by casting Royal Shakespeare alum Sean Bean as the bad guy, and even MORE points by returning to classic nomenclature with Famke Janssen’s lethel “Xenia Onatopp.” Somewhere, Fleming is smiling. (Robbie “Hagrid” Coletrane makes his first appearance here, too, as ex-KGB Bond associte Zukovsky.)

7. Live and Let Die (1973, Roger Moore). Bond does the Voodoo, and fights that 7-Up dude. No, really. Actually, the main bad guy here is the mysterious Mister Big, played by Yaphet Kotto (see also “Homicide”), but Geoffrey Holder does appear as Baron Samedi, a voodoo priest. Jane Seymour plays a virginal (until Bond gets to her, anyway) clairvoyant. This one’s the first Moore outing, and includes the delightfully absurd super-magnetic Rolex with a bezel that doubles as a circular saw. Suffice it to say that this is where the gadgets get goofy.

8. Moonraker (1979, Moore). It’s terrible — a few years after Star Wars, and even Bond is in space — but it was also the first one I saw. My dad took me when I was 9 — at a drive in. How dated is that? Also, the wrist-mounted dart gun is a delight, even if we are a bit afraid that the by-then 52-year-old Moore will pass out in the G-force testing apparatus. (Bad news: Moore holds on until the patently ridiculous “A View to a Kill” six years later; even Christopher Walken and Grace Jones couldn’t save that one from the idea of 58-year-old Bond.)

9. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977, Moore). This gives us the first appearance of two late-70s Bond fixtures: the Lotus Esprit the doubles as a submarine, and Richard Kiel as the 7-foot steel-toothed henchman Jaws (he returns in Moonraker). It’s otherwise reasonably forgettable, except for Barbara Bach as KGB agent Triple X.

10. License to Kill (1989, Timothy Dalton). By the 80s, the producers at Eon were well out of unmined material with only a few exceptions, and apparently felt that it was too early for a third version of “Casino Royale” (there’s a 1954 American TV version, plus the satirical ’67 take starring David Niven and Peter Sellers). Several of 80s films were actually cut-ups taken from some of Fleming’s short fiction, and LtK is the last of those scripts. As such, it’s kind of a mess, but the central thread is still fun: Bond’s off the reservation and is hunting down the drug lord who killed his pal Felix’s wife (remember him?). (80s note: the wife was played by Priscilla Barnes, near-famous for replacing Suzanne Sommers on “Three’s Company.”) The film’s also fun because of its cast — Robert Davi chews scenery as the baddie, and Bond’s girls include a pre-Law-and-Order Cary Lowell. Lovable gadgetmeister Desmond Llewelyn makes his only field appearance when Q heads to central America to aid the technically unemployed Bond in his quest. Oh, and Wayne Newton shows up as a crooked TV preacher. What’s not to love?

Our favorite scary move, hands down, is the excellent Bubba Ho-Tep. The premise is simple: late in his career, Elvis arranged to swap places with an impersonator in order to escape the circus his life had become; his intention was to swap back, but before that could happen, the impersonator expired on the royal throne at Graceland, and the authentic E.A.P. (an excellent Bruce Campbell) was stuck as the impersonator, eventually ending up in a rural Texas old folks’ home where his best friend (played by Ossie Davis) is convinced he’s actually JFK.

And that’s when the mummy attacks start.

Yes, it sounds ridiculous and silly. But trust me: they completely pull it off with the right blend of horror and comedy plus an unexpectedly graceful touch on the existential angst of aging. Highly recommended. (And previously discussed here (10/2003) and here (12/2003).)

There’s a follow-up coming, which is sadly bereft of Campbell, but perhaps Perlman can pull it off.