A 30-second, all-bunny version of The Exorcist.
Erin will love this, too…
…but there’s just no way on God’s green earth we’re doing this to Bob.
Erin’s gonna love this
The complete Catalog of TV Tropes, Idioms, and Devices. Plus, it’s a Wiki.
Example:
Jones the Cat Any utterly helpless or powerless victim whose primary purpose is to allow the audience to empathize while providing the opportunity for the hero to overcome their own fears and ultimately risk their life on that character’s behalf. Prominent in science fiction, and stereotyped by the Alien collection of films (Alien – The original feline Jones, Aliens – Newt, Alien Resurrection – Winona Ryder.) Willow fulfilled this role in Buffy the Vampire Slayer until she outgrew it (via forays into TeenGenius) and passed the mantle onto Dawn, the Buffyverse’s very own CousinOliver.
Maybe God’s trying to tell them something
Those nutbirds over at the American Family Association — with whom I have the misfortune to share a home state — didn’t like it very much when their gay marriage poll turned in numbers contrary to their stated position, so I doubt very much they’re happy with the results of their Presidential Poll. Heh.
Is it too late to hint for our birthday?
Who know there was such a thing as magnetic silly putty?
Read this before you vote for a single Republican
That the religious right holds terrible sway over the GOP isn’t news. The extent of this influence, though, is pretty damn scary, so before you consider voting for one of these people, make sure you understand what they actually support, and what they think of notions like Constitutional privacy.
Somehow, it manages to be both Extreme and Banal
HouseGymnastics, poised to sweep the nation.
Sometimes, we post things just because of the headline
From Salon: N.Y. City Man Forced to Give Up Monkeys.
Dept. of Weird Physical Memory
When I first started programming in a real language — as opposed to the BASIC (line numbers and all) that came with my TRS-80 — I was in college. In the late eighties, Borland ruled the development world with their Turbo line of products, so I used Turbo Pascal, and, later, Turbo C and C++.
These tools combined an editor and compiler into a single program, and made the whole linking/compiling/running/testing process a hell of a lot easier to deal with. Because they came on the scene before the rise of Windows, they also had their own interface, primarily cribbed from the keystrokes of (wait for it) WORDSTAR, a by-now-forgotten former giant of the word processing market. I coded enough to know those keystrokes by heart back then, 15 years or so ago.
My coding life was pretty short, though; I quickly moved from jobs where I actually made things work into jobs where I talked about ways to make things work, and pretty much lost any real coding skill. About a year ago, though, I started a project where I ended up contributing no small amount of code, and it felt good and fun, and I remembered what I liked about programming.
Until a couple months ago, I did all this new coding in a fancy modern editor that I still use for plenty of things, but since then I’ve realized I needed to assimilate another powerful editor for use on remote machines, via command lines.
It’s using this tool that brought me to the realization that my fingers, in a control-key-based, non-GUI program, still remember some of those old Wordstar keystrokes, and will resort to using them without telling me. I keep hitting Control-Y to delete lines, which iis most definitely NOT delete-line in emacs. It was, of course, delete-line back in Turbo Pascal and Wordstar. Weird.
We were all impressed with that Kirst fella until we heard about this guy
You reckon Joy would’ve married him if his proposal went like this?
We haven’t seen it, but we suspect they’re right
This review of Gibson’s Peckinpah Gospel is thoughtful, but also sort of depressing (i.e., given the box office the film’s gathered so far).
In Which We Think About What We Really Wanted For Lunch
For some of you, this is just gonna make you sad. And hungry.
Road trip?
Well, we’re glad to get this cleared up
The Official Rules of Calvinball are now online for reference.
We here at Miscellaneous Heathen are staunch supporters
May 7th is No Pants Day.
If only Gorey had worked in Flash
If he had, then we might’ve had something like the cartoons at Making Fiends.
We’re pretty sure this is bullshit
We just got this bit of no-doubt virus-laden mail. I wonder how many folks will fall for it?
From: noreply@nogators.com Subject: Important notify about your e-mail account. Date: March 3, 2004 1:28:50 PM CST Dear user of Nogators.com gateway e-mail server, Our antivirus software has detected a large ammount of viruses outgoing from your email account, you may use our free anti-virus tool to clean up your computer software. For details see the attached file. Attached file protected with the password for security reasons. Password is 21570. Have a good day, The Nogators.com team http://www.nogators.com
Cheeky, they are. Who wants to guess what’s in the payload?
We just wish to note that, while we don’t currently feel well, we’re still wearing pants
You just can’t make this shit up.
Precis: a woman, charged with vehicular manslaughter, insists she’s innocent since she could not have been driving as she was blowing the driver, who was indeed thrown free of the car on impact and was found with his pants in the lowered position.
It gets better:
Assistant State’s Attorney Maureen Platt said the defense is flawed. “His pants could have been down because he was mooning a car he was drag racing,” Platt said. “His pants could have been down because he was urinating out of a window. His pants could have been down because he wasn’t feeling well.”
Maybe that’s what Ms. Platt does when she’s not feeling well. No, we refuse to speculate on whose pants she lowers at such times.
In Which We Discuss The Evil That Code Generators Do
So I help out a local nonprofit here and there. They’re very cool people and they do very cool work. Since web stuff is what I do, I’m also rebuilding their site to avoid the abomination that is Frames, and since I’m doing that, it occurred to Ms. Intrepid Managing Director to call me this morning when they couldn’t get their PayPal buttons to work right on their gala ticket sales page.
Apparently, PayPal has a very nice, friendly tool for creating these buttons. You hand the PayPal site the appropriate information, and it spits out a lump of code you stick into your HTML file and bammo! You’re done!
Well, you would be if Dreamweaver weren’t in the picture. Apparently, by default ol’ DW will change form variable names for you when you paste in code if it senses name duplication. Since each button is its own form in the PayPal paradigm, this meant that the meaningful variables (“cmd” and “encrypted”) occurred six times on the page — so each one we given a number suffix. This is utterly absurd, since each variable was in its own form, and therefore its own namespace; no collision was happening. PalPal’s script, to which the form posts, knew nothing of these new names, nor should it have. Consequently, the buttons didn’t work. So, as I said, Ms. Intrepid Managing Director called me, and I called PayPal.
The bright side of this is that PayPal’s tech person was extremely helpful, but the bad news is that the help she gave would have been almost useless to a non-programmer. Their tool assumes the user will cut and paste the code as if it were an incantation to be recited but not comprehended. That’s fine; I’ve done the same thing, and it’s very common on the web for things like buttons, logos, and the like. The problem is that DW decided to “help,” and in doing so created a situation from which the inexperienced cannot easily recover. I’m told that this behavior is an option that a user can disable, but that’s pretty cold comfort — I mean, under what circumstances would it be okay for any development tool to unilaterally change variable names for you?
Now: if you’re a pro, (1) this never would have happened to you because (2) you write HTML in a plain text editor to avoid the kinds of pitfalls that generated code creates. So we’re left with amateurs who are less able to troubleshoot their situation than geeks like us — so why, again, is DW doing this? Are they taking lessons from Redmond about destructive and absurd defaults?
We know everyone else is posting it, but dammit, it’s cool
The Top Ten IKONOS Satellite Images of 2003. They’re 1-meter resolution, and can be zoomed. Very, very cool. Don’t skip the one of Victoria Falls.
Lines We Wish We’d Written, No. 1
Tbogg has this to say:
According to Amazon, the soundtrack from Mel Gibson’s The Passion: Smack My Savior Up is number two with only wanton whore of Babylon Norah Jones’ (who still doesn’t know why she didn’t come) Feels Like Home keeping it from the top spot.
Heh. (Yes, we’re stealing a feature from TMFTML.)
We, of course, are pretty happy with the regular kind
Anti-gay bigots love to quote Paul Cameron, a rather odd bird who nevertheless has some impressive hard-right credentials, not the least of which may be his expulsion from the American Psychological Association. Of course, he’s also infamous for this:
“Untrammeled homosexuality can take over and destroy a social system,” says Cameron. “If you isolate sexuality as something solely for one’s own personal amusement, and all you want is the most satisfying orgasm you can get- and that is what homosexuality seems to be-then homosexuality seems too powerful to resist. The evidence is that men do a better job on men and women on women, if all you are looking for is orgasm.” So powerful is the allure of gays, Cameron believes, that if society approves that gay people, more and more heterosexuals will be inexorably drawn into homosexuality. “I’m convinced that lesbians are particularly good seducers,” says Cameron. “People in homosexuality are incredibly evangelical,” he adds, sounding evangelical himself. “It’s pure sexuality. It’s almost like pure heroin. It’s such a rush. They are committed in almost a religious way. And they’ll take enormous risks, do anything.” He says that for married men and women, gay sex would be irresistible. “Martial sex tends toward the boring end,” he points out. “Generally, it doesn’t deliver the kind of sheer sexual pleasure that homosexual sex does” So, Cameron believes, within a few generations homosexuality would be come the dominant form of sexual behavior. Quote from Tbogg via Atrios
Er, right. That’s the ticket. Can you say “closet case?”
Because cherry-picking from Leviticus is just wrong
Granted, it’s a little like non-alcoholic beer, but still
Finally, porn that’s safe for work. No, really.
If we made this up, you wouldn’t believe us
Apparently, a “fictionalized” TV series based on the adventures of two Department of Homeland Security employees is on the way for next fall. It will, of course, feature a solidly pro-Bush slant, since it’s got the Administration’s approval.
We’re pretty sure they’re two Beatles short of a band, if you know what we mean
You know all those times we’ve posted something about crazy people? Real nutbirds? Well, these guys take the cake: they purport to host the Official Website from the Afterlife for John Lennon and George Harrison, complete with illustrations, descriptions of concerts, etc.
One thing of note is that John and George recently appeared as Jesus and Judas in a concert performance of “Jesus Christ Superstar” with Queenie as Mary and Al Jolson as Pilate, plus members of the Angelic Choir and Orchestra. It was a huge success and, as it turns out, the Man Himself was pleased with John’s performance.
Wow. That’s really nuts.
Them’s some ugly-ass critters you got there, boy.
Tony points us to this compendium of photo-graphs of extremely odd fish.
Why We Didn’t Do This On Saturday, We’ll Never Know
Matchstick Rockets: Eye-scalding Fun!
Here at Heathen, We Don’t Do This Ourselves, But We’re Pretty Sure We’ve Seen It Done
Dept. of Unsurprising Developments
I was pleased to see this editorial supporting gay marriage run in the Baylor student paper. Of course, it goes without saying that the authors may now face disciplinary action for disagreeing with university policy.
In Which We Point Out, For The Amusement Of Others, The Peculiar Choices Of Midtown Thieves
Someone has stolen the cover to my grill. The grill itself is intact.
Dept. of Corrections
The cat thing now works. Mea culpa.
Dept. of Fine, Fine Rants
This is long, but read it anyway. The folks over at Mykeru.com have a great rant today about Bush, the proposed Amendment, and the non-answers of Scott “At least Ari was occasionally funny” McClellan. They wrap up with this:
The Bush “Defense of Marriage Amendment” is nothing more than the use of force of law and co-opting of the Constitution in order to force a religious doctrine on people who, for one reason or another, don’t share that particular religious mindset. It’s a restriction on the rights of people to do as they see fit provided that they do no harm, that makes previous acts of unholy self-righteousness, such as Prohibition, seem positively secular in comparison. It’s the Blue Law from Hell.
OH MY SWEET LORD
Dept. of Funny Video
Okay. We appreciate that there is some danger that posting something like this could turn us into those people who obsess about their pets, and about pet-related things. We understand, though we don’t really think there’s much danger of that. It’s just that even bad TV shows catering to the pet-obsessed occasionally show something truly hilarious — if you like cats. (Windows Media)
We were sure we’d already mentioned this, but…
…Diztopia management is featuring it, and now we can’t find it here, so: Quotes from the Movie “Jaws” in Which “shark” is Replaced by “Jimmy Page”. Enjoy.
Because some things were not meant to be small, furry, and cuddly
In which we are reminded that even though hitting people is wrong, some people really deserve it
Go on. You know you want to Smack the Raver.
Because on Atkins, you can’t really use the other kind
Hey kids! Check out Mr Picassohead!
If only we’d had him around during Whitewater
House Speaker Dennis Hastert has stated that he will not introduce any measure extending the 9/11 panel’s inquiry despite repeated requests.
Can you say “must protect Administration?” I knew that you could.
If Eisner gets ahold of this, we’ll have a musical on our hands
Don’t you want a cute plushie of the ebola virus?
Maybe this could explain how we got this President
Oxford engineering student Matthew Richardson was approached about delivering some lectures in Beijing — on global economics. Undaunted, he accepted the gig despite knowing “next to nothing” on the subject. Textbook in hand, he flew to China and delivered the talks to whom he thought were basic students — only to discover they were in fact advanced PhD candidates.
As it happens, there are two Matthew Richardsons. One is an engineering student in Oxford, and the other is one of the world’s foremost authorities on international financial markets. Ooops.
In which we discuss other worthwhile Inter-net Pass-Times
Head on over to Diztopia for a heapin’ helpin’ of big-city-by-way-of-Birmingham snark.
Constitutional Review
So, Bush is likely to endorse and fight for an anti-gay-marriage constitutional amendment, according to some sources, which will turn the issue into a political football this summer. This made us wonder: since the Constitution is, more or less, a document that reigns in the State, its primary mission is the preservation of personal liberty and the limitation of State power. How many amendments, then, explicitly limit what citizens can and cannot do? Let’s review. Follow along in your own copies, which I’m sure you keep handy, though surely you know the first ten by heart, right?
- Freedom of religion, speech, press, assembly, and the right to petition the state for redress of grievances.
- The right to keep & bear arms; a well-regulated militia (otherwise known as “the only Amendment the ACLU seems to overlook”).
- A real hot-button issue in the 21st century: soldiers cannot be quartered in private homes. Thank God for that; we have NO ROOM.
- You know when cops come in and take your shit for no good reason? Yeah, man, that totally sucks. Also, it’s UNCONSTITUTIONAL under Amendment IV. Rock on.
- A great omnibus amendment, this one guarantees the grand jury process, outlaws double jeopardy, ensures we’re free from self incrimination (remember Ollie North?), guaruntees due process, and enshrines private property.
- More judicial goodness: here we get the right to a speedy & public trial by an impartial jury in criminal matters.
- Yet MORE judicial rights: this one says we can have a jury trial on common law issues, too. Ask a lawyer what that means.
- The last of the first ten’s judicial amendments, VIII frees us from excessive bail (ask Jeff Skilling) as well as “cruel and unusual punishment.”
- The last two from the Bill of Rights ensure that this list of rights isn’t viewed as exclusive; IX says “we know we listed a bunch of rights, but we didn’t list all of ’em, and the exclusion of something here doesn’t mean you can’t do it.”
- “…and the same goes for the rights of states.”
- Now out of the Bill of Rights, we get into some administrative work. XI contains the rules for suing states. Basically, you can only do it in state court, and the state has to let you sue. Remember this one; it’s important later.
- A bunch of stuff about presidential elections. It’s long. It’s boring. But you probably ought to read it on the grounds that, you know, it’s the basis for our government. (Offer not valid in Canada.)
- “Slavery is evil. No more of that.”
- Lots of the later amendments are about states. According to Senior NoGators Legal Analyst Triple-F, XIV says “We really mean Amendment V, and the states have to play by those rules, too.” It also contains a bunch of other bits more or less unrelated the the primary focus of the amendment. Call it housekeeping.
- “Everybody who has a penis may now vote.” Exercising this right for people with darker skin took a while to become (a) commonplace and (b) safe.
- Goddamn income tax.
- Senatorial succession, more or less.
- Prohibition and the establishment of organized crime. Just kidding; it’s really just prohibition. Remember this one, too.
- “Did we say ‘with a penis’ back in XV? We meant ‘everybody, period.’ Our bad, really. Honest mistake. Can we have sex again now?”
- Dates of terms of congressional sessions and presidential terms, plus a bit about how to handle things if the President-elect dies between election and taking office.
- “Say, baby, how about a drink after you vote?” Prohibition repealed. (Organized crime stayed.) Once again, remember this one, too.
- Fuck FDR.
- DC can have representatives, but no more than the smallest state, and they can’t vote.
- “We meant what we said about voting before. No more turning away voters for not paying taxes, poll or otherwise. Confederacy, this means YOU.”
- This is the one that has always weirded me out. It wasn’t until 1965 that presidential succession as we know it — i.e., beyond the VP — was proposed, and it wasn’t ratified until 1967. Wacky.
- If you can go to Vietnam and die, you ought to get to vote, too. Voting age is lowered to 18.
- “You know when Congress used to pass laws giving itself pay raises that take place immediately? That’s creepy. From now on, they can’t take effect until after the next election.”
Even a cursory review of our pithy amendment summary shows that the Amendments, on the whole, deal with either protecting rights, or with the mechanics of our government (which can be seen as protecting said, and therefore our rights inasmuch as our State does such). Only twice have we adopted amendments that can be construed to limit liberty:
- Amendment XI, concerning lawsuits against states; and
- Amendment XVIII, when for some wacked-out reason we thought prohibition would be a good idea.
N.B. that within a few years, we also repealed this bad idea with Amendment XXI.
The same absurd we-must-control-everyone puritanism that brought about XVIII is at work again today in the hew and cry for an amendment “protecting” marriage. No one can yet explain to me why this is a good idea — i.e., why the State should care whom we marry, when, for what reason, etc. “Protecting marriage” is code for “we hate gays,” since no one seems all that upset about 48-hour Vegas couplings, or the fact that Liza Minelli married a wax statue. They don’t care about the sanctity of marriage; they just want to make sure we don’t extend legal recognition to homosexual unions.
The trouble is: no one has yet articulated a good reason why we shouldn’t. Marriage, in its best state, is about stability, support, and family (and I don’t mean “kids” necessarily). Because marriage is state-sponsored, it’s the easiest and best avenue for default inheritance, insurance, next-of-kin designation, powers of attorney, and a wealth of other societal logistics. To deny committed couples the right to marry because they’re the same gender denys them these functions of society, and to what end? My relationship with Erin isn’t harmed by the middle-aged gay men next door; my married friends would be similarly undamaged were those neighbors able to make their long-term union legal.
When I look a this list of Amendments, mostly I feel pride — especially with the Bill of Rights, and then again with XIII, XV, XIX, and XXIV. I feel ashamed of us only once, at XVIII, and that shame is only temporary; we knew we’d screwed up, and we fixed it. We were foolish; we backtracked; and we moved on. This proposed marriage amendment would restore a far more bitter taste in my mouth; we’d be enshrining in our Constitution a fundamentally bigoted position, and breaking with tradition in a terrifying way. Twenty-four amendments codify and protect liberty, and all but one apply equally to all members of our republic — and even the outlier there was eventually superceded by a later act. Do we really need to keep gays out of wedding chapels this badly? Why?
A or B
Today, Slacktivist makes an interesting point, which I’ll summarize here.
Some opponents of same-sex marriage contend that the problem is “activist” judges, and that we need a Constitutional amendment to ban such unions. Furthermore, people like San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom have “no respect for the law” because they’re allowing gay marriages.
This begs a question: are same-sex weddings Constitutional under the current law? If not, we don’t need the amendment (but please show me where it is). If they ARE Constitutional, though, these judges are just doing their jobs — and Newsome & co. can only be said to be honoring the highest law of the land.
So, which is it?
Even more on Bush v. Science
Rep. Henry Waxman has created a site collecting the anti-science agenda of the Bush Administration. It makes for interesting reading.
How to comply with the Feds
Hey, didja know that a search warrant can put you out of business? Now you do. The Feds showed up at CIT Hosting in Columbus, Ohio a couple weeks ago, and wound up taking everything instead of just finding what they needed on site. Yup; they’re shut down despite not actually being accused of any crime — apparently, they just couldn’t sift through the terabytes of data quickly enough to suit the suits. (Leave aside for a moment whether we think the Feds can do it faster.)
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Here’s CIT’s statement:
02/14/2004 FBI Confiscates all servers
Dear Customers of FOONET/CIT:
We regret to inform you that on Saturday February 14, 2004 at approximately 8:35 am EST, FOONET/CIT’s data center in Columbus, Ohio temporarily ceased operations.
Here are the facts of what occurred:
The FBI executed a search warrant issued by the United States District Court for the Southern District of Ohio regarding the IRC network that we host. According to the warrant, it appears that the Bureau is investigating whether someone hosted on our network hacked and attacked someone else.
After several hours of attempting to track down, inspect and audit the terabytes of data that we host, the FBI determined that it was more efficient (from their point of view) to remove all of our servers and transport them to the FBI local laboratories for inspection. This was completed at 7:00 pm EST same day.
The FBI has assured us that as soon as the data has been safely copied and inspected, the equipment will be promptly returned. Unfortunately, the FBI has not been able to tell us when they will be completed with their inspection.
We have been told by the Special Agent in charge of the investigation that If you need access to your data you are asked to please contact the Bureau via email to rwhite3@leo.gov. Make sure to include in your email your name, mailing address, and telephone number with area code.
Since we wish to focus 100% of our efforts on restoring services, we would appreciate it very much if you do not attempt to contact us directly. Please rest assured that we are doing everything possible to restore service to you as quickly as possible.
To the many who have inquired, Paul and family are OK, although shaken by these events. They are at home and awaiting the blessed event of their new child’s birth. We thank you for your good wishes and prayers.
Please check back here often. Through this site, we will keep you informed of ongoing developments as we know them.
Thanks again for your understanding.
Damn. I’m glad I don’t host there, because I’m pretty sure they’re, well, fucked. Have I mentioned lately that expanding police powers is probably a bad idea?
No sex please, we’re Republicans
We know we keep bringing this up, but today there’s even more coverage. Salon has a piece on the ongoing efforts of this administration to push abstinence-only sex education across the board (and even to export said as a condition of US aid) despite the fact that similar programs pursued in Texas have produced one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy in the country.
Knowledge is power. Not telling kids about condoms and birth control as a matter of policy is utterly insane, even without AIDS in the picture. The scare tactics are tantamount to the don’t-touch-it-or-you’ll-go-blind warnings of years ago, and are obviously no more effective.
Wherein we note that the Constitution is a problem for the theocrats
There’s a deeply scary bill being circulated on the Hill called the Contitution Restoration Act of 2004. Sponsored by Zell Miller, Richard Shelby, and others, the bill would attempt sweeping changes of our government by limiting the ability of the courts to review some acts of Congress, and in particular enjoining said courts from reviewing anything having to do with Church-State issues.
The Right’s agenda here is achingly clear. Ashcroft-ism will be the rule, not the exception. Huge elements of the party will not be satisfied until we’re essentially a theocracy. There’s more discussion here.
We’d steal his headline, but we’re not THAT desperate
Once again, Slacktivist totally nails it, this time in discussing the bizarro world of the Bush Administration’s policies on drug prices.
Dept. of Quotes, Geek Work Division
From Accordian Guy, whose adventures always amuse:
Writing docs for a constantly evolving app that you didn’t write is a challenge akin to trying to discover the shape of a moving object in a dark room by throwing flourescent golf balls at it and seeing which way they bounce. J. deVilla