Texas didn’t bother to show up on time today, and let Texas Tech play all by themselves for a half before waking up. Too little too late. Leonard’s Loser: the Longhorns — and the Heathen chances to attend the BCS game with the Attorney. Damn.

At least Alabama won (blanking homecoming creampuff Arkansas State by 5 touchdowns). And so did Florida in a decisive victory over preseason darling Georgia (49-10). Look for Tech in the top spot, followed by Alabama. Penn State is off this week, and the former #6 (Georgia) lost, so the new rankings COULD put Florida as high as #3, based on the quality and magnitude of their win. However, I see UT dropping not that far, either, so maybe TT, UA, UT, then drop in PSU, Oklahoma, and USC. It’s all mumbling until the computers chatter late on Sunday.

Florida and Alabama will play in the SEC game, so one of them will drop at least one more game — but a one-loss UF will have a good case for the BCS game if they win out. (Though obviously an undefeated Alabama would have a stronger case.)

Another weekend, another tight win for Texas, Alabama spanked Tennessee, and Penn State edged past Ohio State. No real movement on any rankings, and an increasingly likely shakeout for 2 of these 3 to play for the title in January. Alabama will have the toughest road, since they’ll still have to play either Florida or Georgia for the SEC title in order to advance; neither other school has any real contenders left to play (unless Texas Tech turns out to be realer than anyone believes).

Some crystal balls suggests a Penn State – Texas championship game, which would be fun to watch only because the pansy-ass yankees would get destroyed by the Longhorns. For that to work, though, Alabama would have to lose the SEC title game, and the BCS would have to ignore PSU’s puffball schedule. This kind of calculus reminds us all, yet again, that college football needs a fucking playoff like nobody’s business — it’s the only major sport without one, and leads to absurd outcomes as often as not. Of course, it’s also led to blowouts of Ohio State two years in a row, and there’s pretty much nothing to dislike about that aspect. As noted below, PSU and JoePa have no place in title contention this year. Any one-loss SEC team would make a better opponent for the hypothetically lossless Longhorns come January.

Next up for Texas: Texas Tech, currently ranked #7, and famous for a highly productive offense. Look for a shootout. After that, they should be able to coast — Baylor, Kansas, and A&M finish out their season, plus the Big XII championship game with (probably) Mizzou.

Next up for Alabama: Nonconference Arkansas State, followed by #19 LSU, Mississippi State, and Auburn. After that, the SEC championship game against either Florida or Georgia.

You’re not fooling anybody: Penn is WAY overrated.

It’s foolish to think a Big Ten team has any business on college football’s biggest stage. […]

{T]his team – and this conference – doesn’t deserve another chance at college football’s biggest prize. Besides, Paterno is used to fashioning an unbeaten team, then getting left out of the championship party. That has happened four times: 1968, 1969, 1973 and 1994.

So, please, don’t give us Penn State on Jan. 8, 2009, in Dolphin Stadium. Give us life, give us liberty, give us hope for a good game. That means give us Texas, Florida, Alabama, Georgia or USC. Heck, we’ll even take Texas Tech and its diabolical offense and kooky coach. They all have been more impressive than – and likely would beat – any Big Ten team.

Even a perfect Penn State.

We pray that America won’t have to watch another Big Ten belly-flop in the BCS title game. The Buckeyes have perfected that dive the past two seasons.

Look at the hideous history. First, there was Florida 41, Ohio State 14. Next, there was LSU 38, Ohio State 24. There is no need for a trilogy. If you’ve seen one slasher flick, you’ve seen them all.

All our top three managed to dispatch their opponents with varying degrees of drama. Colt and the Longhorns put a Texas-sized hurt on critical darling Mizzou; Alabama faced down in-conference rival Ole Miss despite some sloppy second half play. And PSU won, not that anyone cares.

The real news of the weekend is the reaction to the rankings, especially now that BCS is out and in play. Texas’ national credentials are worth questioning, given that the Big XII appears to have given up on the whole idea of defense (n.b. that they gave up 30+ in their win over Mizz). Frankly, despite the nostalgia factor, I hope UT hangs on so that, should Alabama win out, the big game is Tide vs. Longhorns instead of Tide vs. JoePa. Granted, I think we’d win either one…

Turns out, Alabama’s pretty-good-but-terribly-fragile QB has gone on to be, well, a pretty good but terribly fragile NFL QB.

Clemson’s fired Tommy Bowden, which is frankly unsurprising given his performance this year — after dropping his opener to (now #2) Alabama. Early favorites to win the creampuff ACC, Clemson’s now 3-3 after losses to Wake Forest and unranked Maryland. It appears his team supports the move.

…this weekend’s results — losses for LSU and Vandy — make Alabama the last undefeated team in the SEC.

UT put an end to Oklahoma’s unbeaten season yesterday in a hard-fought rivalry game I’m sorry I missed; the final score was 45 to 35, which kinda suggests something we’ve all been saying: the Big 12 is all offense. In any case, the win — along with some other amusing events — set up a rejiggering of the AP poll that puts Texas on top:

1. Texas
2. Alabama
3. Penn State
4. Oklahoma
5. Florida
6. USC
7. Texas Tech
8. Oklahoma State
9. BYU
10. Georgia

Mizzou falls to 11; LSU to 13. What stinks here is PSU in the #3 position. Penn State has played ONE ranked team all year, and it was #22 Illinois. Other than that? Nada. For this they’re ranked 3rd? It’s horseshit; they won’t even play another serious team all year, so they could stay unbeaten unless Ohio State (currently 12) or Michigan State (20) can knock ’em off. (The rest of their year is Michigan, Iowa, and Indiana — unranked squads to go with Coastal Carolina, Oregon State, Syracuse, Temple, Purdue and Wisconsin to fill out the rest of JoePa’s creampuff season). Florida — coming off its 51 to 21 domination of LSU — is a much more reasonable pick for #3.

Of course, Texas hasn’t exactly played titans, either, largely because the quality is on the back end of the Longhorns’ schedule; they still play #11 Mizzou, #8 Oklahoma State, and #7 Texas Tech before a stop at Baylor on 11/15, and then close out with #16 Kansas and the A&M game. Nobody will complain about UT’s rank if they keep winning, but the trick will be continuing to win.

Same goes for Alabama, though the Tide had more of a front-loaded schedule than UT. Still up for them: Ole Miss, Tennessee, and Arkansas State before the LSU game on 11/8. After that, MSU and Auburn. If the Tide that beat Georgia show up, they’ll win out, too, and set up a fine SEC-Big12 matchup in the championship game.

Sadly, this week also marked the end of Vandy’s win streak, as they were upset by Mississippi State. It sucks they lost here, but I’ve gotta say I love the idea that VANDY is the victim of an upset. You’ve gotta been seen as a strong favorite for a loss to be an upset, so in a way it’s still a moral victory. N.B. that the ‘Dores could still notch a bowl berth; they two more winnable games coming up (Wake and Duke).

The Texans gave up TWENTY ONE POINTS in the final four minutes today to lose to the Colts, 31 to 27. WTF? That’s a downright Chicagoan collapse, I tell you. Houston drops to 0 and 4. Christ.

Vanderbilt, one of the most academically elite schools in the South if not the nation, is traditionally the whipping boy of the SEC come football season. Granted, their offensive line has 4-digit SAT scores, so it’s almost not fair, but there you have it.

Except this year. Vandy started strong with a convincingly thorough whipping of Miami (OH) back in August, and really turned heads with its win over Spurrier’s South Carolina Gamecocks, then ranked 24 (that’s 2 in a row Steve’s dropped to the Commodores; maybe that should have told us something). Then came Rice, a true peer — they’re also an elite academic school playing football with state squads — but Vandy kept rolling. And the next week they beat Ole Miss, and all of a sudden Vandy was 4-0 with two SEC wins under its belt, and had a top twenty ranking (19).

Pretty much everyone thought that would be over once they met #13 Auburn today, though. Spurrier’s not having much luck in South Carolina, and Ole Miss is nearly always helpless when someone not named Manning is calling the plays. “It’s been fun, boys,” said the sports press, “but enjoy it while it lasts.” Indeed, that sounded reasonable: the last time Vandy beat Auburn was 1955, in the Gator Bowl.

A little while ago, though, it became clear it’s going to last at least one more week, and probably two, as the Vanderbilt Commodores edged Tuberbille’s troubled Tigers 14 to 13 in Nashville. Vanderbilt is 5-0 for the first time since 1943. Vandy’s ongoing top-25 position is also pretty new — its undergrads weren’t born the last time that happened (1984) — and they haven’t finished with a winning record since ’82. They still might not do that, but it’s certainly possible: next up is Mississippi State (1-4, 0-2 SEC). A win there puts them at .500, with wins at Duke and/or Wake Forest certainly possible. Sadly, their schedule is back-end heavy; they’ve still got to play four more SEC teams (#11 Georgia, #12 Florida, Kentucky, and Tennessee), too, and can’t realistically expect to bag more than one of those even if they’re lucky.

All that’s in the future, though. Today is still today, and as of this writing, they are in first place in the SEC East, and remain one of only three undefeated teams in the SEC (the other two, Alabama and LSU, are in SEC West).

Oh, yes, the Tide won, too, but frustratingly so, with needless errors and penalties in a game that was theirs to lose — Kentucky hasn’t ever beaten them in Tuscaloosa, and, like Vandy, is something of an SEC also-ran in football. The UK defense is real, though, and Saban will be justified in handing out some serious asskicking this week for gameplay that, against a more competitive team, would have cost them the game. Amusing stat, though: Tide RB Coffee had more yards on the ground than the whole Kentucky offense. At the end of the day, an ugly win is still a win, so Bama goes 6-0 with a bye next week, then Ole Miss, Tennessee, and Arkansas State cued up before the big show in Baton Rouge in November 8. (Thanks to Frank for the correction.)

What is there to say but Roll Tide?

Alabama is now ranked 2nd in the AP, behind only Oklahoma, who will doubtless fall to #5 Texas before too long. (USC, bless their overrated little hearts, is down at 9 — still ahead of Georgia, though, which seems unfair; I’d swap ’em and put USC down at 11.) The top five is now: OU, UA, LSU, Mizz, Texas. LSU is also the only game Alabama can lose and not cause grumbling (i.e., based on the fact that Saban’s only in year 2). If they take the Tigers, though, they could run the table IF Saban can keep their intensity up.

By the way, the AP poll features SIX SEC squads: Alabama, LSU, #11 Georgia, #12 Florida, #13 Auburn, and #19 Vandy (who are still undefeated after 4 games, including conference foes the Gamecocks and the same Ole Miss squad who beat Florida this week). That’s half the conference (left out are the two usually-helpless Mississippi teams, Arkansas, Spurrier’s Cocks, Kentucky, and Tennessee; of those, in any given year the Vols and the Razorbacks are typically rankable at some point).

Creampuff Watch: Who the hell really believes Penn State deserves to be #6? They’ve played 4 creampuffs and allowed 3 TDs and a field goal against Illinois. WTF?

The unranked Oregon Beavers popped the Trojans’ bubble on Thursday night, 27 to 21. Oregon improves to 2-2; USC is sure to fall significantly on the loss.

Now please also shut up about the PAC-10, too. The real game is today, when we find out whether Saban’s delivering ahead of schedule, or Georgia is as tough as Athens wants us to believe.

Over the weekend, the most interesting SEC contest had to be Auburn and Mississippi State. Despite 300+ yards vs. State’s 116, the final score was a bizarre and nearly unprecedented 3 to 2, with Auburn on top thanks to a second quarter field goal.

The new polls are out, and (no surprise) have USC in the top spot again — but Georgia has dropped to 3, behind Oklahoma, of all people. I find it impossible to even entertain the thought that OU could beat UG, but whatever; we’ll see how it shakes out later in the season. USC, as we pointed out, made clear Ohio State remains a joke playing in a joke conference — but the SEC has beaten the Buckeyes as soundly as USC just did in two championship games in a row. Further, USC is a game behind Georgia in play. If all three teams continue to win, and the powers that be put Okahoma into the title game, we’ll be among those calling bullshit.

Actual rankings here; we are amused and pleased that fully half the AP top ten are SEC squads (#3 Georgia, #4 Florida, #6 LSU, #9 Alabama (!), #10 Auburn). No, I’m not entirely convinced Alabama should be that high, but it’s nice people have confidence.

The Tide rolled Western Kentucky, 41 to 7. After an embarrassing game against Tulane last week, Saban’s boys managed to remember how to play the game yesterday, even well enough to get some bench playing time. In fact, Saban’s gripe about yesterday says volumes:

With a chance to get a look at young players and subs, Saban did find some fault in the offense’s performance.

“I wish we wouldn’t have kept the ball so long, because there were some defensive players we wanted to see a little more,” he said. “But it didn’t work out that way.”

Oh, also, a tiny bit of vindication: the Tulane squad Saban had so much trouble with last week very nearly stole a game from East Carolina yesterday — EC only pulled it out late in the 4th quarter. Maybe those smart fellers are actually playing football this year after all. They’re still 0-2, but it’s two very solid games they lost.

Can all you people shut the fuck up about Ohio State now?

Brady out for the season.

Jesus Fuck, Nicky, what the hell was that? You beat the everliving tar out of #9 Clemson, and then look like a goddamn AA squad against a non-conference private school like Tulane that’s presumably hampered by actual admissions requirements? You go three entire quarters against their D without an offensive TD? Sure, the punt return team bagged two in the first half, but special teams points shouldn’t be the backbone of your offense, dude. ESPN used words like “listless” to describe the Tide on Saturday, and that’s being KIND. 172 total yards (to Tulane’s 318), four allowed sacks, and two — TWO! — missed field goals will NOT make the faithful happy about your gold-plated contract, Nicky.

Good Christ. A win is a win, but the Alabama-Tulane game was a fucking embarrassment in every other way that mattered. I’m frankly shocked the Tide didn’t drop in the rankings this week, instead of rising (2 spots, to 11 — HA! — in AP; only one notch in USAT, to 16). Good thing Saban’s got another non-con next Saturday before the big Georgia game. Some folks need some ass whippin’ at practice these two weeks.

Speaking of which: Georgia’s still only number 2, behind perennially-fellated USC despite the fact that the Trojans were OFF this week while Georgia played. At least the pollsters are split; Georgia got 23 first place votes to USC’s 33 in the AP poll. Ohio State drifts south this week on the “strength” of their weak win over Ohio, and in the final shakeup it turns out the AP and USAT agree on the top ten: USC, UGa, Oklahoma, UF, OSU, Missouri (ha!), LSU, Texas, Auburn, and Wisconsin.

Oh, and the fucking Irish won their opener. Ick.

Spurrier’s Gamecocks dropped their second Vandy game in a row last night. Vanderbilt is now 2-0.

We reckon the pollsters are just tired of the ongoing SEC dominance, and as a consequence voted their wishes instead of their consciences this week: After a pair of blowout wins, somehow USC is magically ranked at 1, ahead of Georgia. In the preseason poll, the perennially-overrated Trojans were stuck at #3 (AP, behind Georgia and Ohio State, who also has no business that high) or #2 (ESPN, just behind UGa).

Actually, we’re being a little sarcastic; both Georgia and Ohio State played creampuff non-BCS teams, while USC played a BCS creampuff (ACC’s Virginia, who we suppose does have a football team — but a 52-7 win, how “quality” can they be?). So we guess there’s at least some logic. What DEFIES logic is that some of the pollsters are still voting for Ohio State as number one. WTF, people? Anyway, Georgia will likely move up as their “real” schedule picks up and they play more quality opponents (including a 4-week run of Spurrier’s Gamecocks followed by 3 ranked teams starting on 9/13). Their slate is as tough as anybody’s, given that they have to play in the SEC.

In other news, Alabama jumps mightily on the strength of the Clemson win: USAToday has them at 17 and the AP at 13. Clemson drops off the AP, and clings to 22 on the USAT. (Clemson and Illinois are the only 0-1 squads on the rankings.)

Look for NickyLou to bag the next two easily, hopefully: he meets Tulane and Western Kentucky in the next two weeks before opening the conference schedule against Arkansas a week after that. With a little look and more SabanSauce, the Tide could be 4-0 going into the Georgia game on the 27th. Kentucky and Mississippi follow with what ought to be gimmes before Tennessee (usually anybody’s game, but the Tide is waxing while Fulmer’s Vols wane), another should-be-easy with Arkansas State, and then the big LSU game on 11/8, more than 2 months away.

The Tide put a full-sized SEC hurtin’ on #9 Clemson tonight, to the tune of 34 to 10, and it wasn’t even that close; the Tide held the ball for over 41 minutes, and outproduced the Tigers 419 to 188 yards (all in the air; Clemson had 1 rushing yard). The Tide blew two early scoring opps, settling for field goals when John Parker Wilson couldn’t connect even without meaningful Clemson resistance in his first two possessions. Quoth Bowden the Younger, “they outplayed us on both sides of the ball.” Clemson was completely unprepared for SEC speed and toughness.

To be fair, though, Clemson is just Clemson. They lost to Maryland and BC last year, for crying out loud. This #9-ranking is preseason bullshit, even if knocking them off it does fuel Tide passions. The Alabama faithful should remember that Clemson hasn’t beaten UA in 12 straight meetings, even if the last one was a 56-0 shellacking back when Bear ran the show (1975). Alabama gets a couple easy weeks before the next “real” game — next are unranked Tulane and Western Kentucky, followed by freshly Nuttless Arkansas on 9/20 before a big show in Athens against currently #1 Georgia. Let’s hope Nicky Lou can keep it together, and keep this win from going to his young team’s head.

More to come. Inshallah.

Need to pee during “God Bless America?” Tough. The Yank’s rent-a-cops will throw you out.

Remember what we said yesterday about Johnson’s 200m record?

Nevermind. Usain Bolt took gold with 19.30. Bolt and Johnson are now the only runners to ever run the 200 faster than 19.62.

We had big fun with the PointsPerMillion jabs last year, but we’re putting it aside this time around in favor of sheer unadulterated partisanship; after all, they’re not spending any of OUR money — Chief Heathen attended UA on a scholarship surplus, and we’ve never bothered to give them one thin dime in the interim. We’d just like to see ’em win, given that they’re paving NickyLou’s driveway with gold anyway.

The Tide are ranked low (#24 AP, unranked USA) in the preseason, which isn’t at all unfair given the 2007 record (7-6, 4-4 conf). So here it is:

• 8/30 Clemson (#9) in Atlanta (ABC)
• 9/6 Tulane
• 9/13 Western Kentucky
• 9/20 @ Arkansas
• 9/27 @ Georgia (#1)
• 10/4 Kentucky
• 10/18 Ole MIss
• 10/25 Tennessee (#18)
• 11/01 Arkansas State
• 11/8 @ LSU (#6 USA, #7 AP)
• 11/15 Mississippi State
• 11/29 Auburn (#11 USA, #10 AP)

We can’t help but notice that Saban’s boys must play three traditionally tough — and ranked — rivals on the road. We hear good things about the recruiting class; here’s hoping they come through. We find out with what might be a real game, even, against a top-ten squad. Roll Tide anyway; we’ll check back in on Sunday as per usual; until then, we’re not going to try to handicap the schedule.

Swimmers are getting all the love right now, but as this post points out, they’re not as far along in the “what’s the human limit?” game as sprinters — in part because of the Speedo suits’ “unlocking” of an additional tier of speed.

Twelve years ago, Michael Johnson doubled in track (200m and 400m), and the record he set in the 200m — 19.32s — remains absurdly out of reach. In a sport where hundredths of seconds are desperately hard to come by, Johnson’s 200m record is a full 0.30 seconds faster than his nearest competitor (Tyson Gay, last year). By comparison, Usain Bolt’s best 200m time (set in Athens this July) is 19.67.

(Via Kottke.)

See if you can find the oddball name collision in the following Olympics story:

BEIJING – Cat Osterman is accustomed to delivering for the U.S. women’s softball team.

On Wednesday, the 25-year-old Houston express-mailed a no-hitter for the Americans in a 3-0 win over Australia.

Osterman struck out 12 batters and walked only three in pitching only the second complete game no-hitter in Olympic history.

The U.S. improved its record in the opening round to 2-0 and continued its dominance of the Olympics. Between them, Jennie Finch (four innings), Monica Abbott (one inning) and Osterman (seven innings) have not surrendered a hit.

Osterman outdueled Australia’s Tanya Harding, who has handed the U.S. program two of its four losses in the games since 1996.

Football offense is an evolving beast, but perhaps the last major evolutionary step came with Walsh’s “West Coast” quick-short-pass plan, which has since become the de facto standard for the NFL and college and even some high schools. But apparently not at Piedmont High in California, where a combination of factors led two coaches to create something entirely new that involves two quarterbacks and all 11 men carrying the ball.

No, really. They’ve had it reviewed by rules committees, too, and it’s apparently been determined to be legal. And the college coaches are already interested.

There’s a story here, and a whole site about it at A11offense.com.

(Via Kottke.)

For example, when I was a kid, Indy Car drivers never ever looked like this, and the idea of one in the SI Swimsuit Issue would’ve been at best a horrific joke.

Thank God those dark days are behind us.

Their Super Bowl coverage sums it up:

As the once-invincible, still-insufferable Patriots attempt to come to grips with their 17-14 Super Bowl loss to the Giants, the death of their dream to go undefeated, and the possible end of their dynasty, almost every other person in America is reveling in what they consider the perfect ending to New England’s season.

How’s 18-1 taste?

Heathen Central would like to point out our favorite NFL name, Plaxico Burress, bagged the go-ahead TD for New York. We also, of course, enjoy the back-to-back Manning wins, as the Heathen Homeland is also the Manning Homeland.

BTW, how cheesy is it that Belichick left the field before the game was over? He’s a fucking class act, that one. Eat it, Bill.

It’s no surprise that the NFL, like any large corporation, seeks to abuse its copyrights willy-nilly to prevent anyone from doing anything that might have anything to do with their business. Hell, we’re talking about a group that sued churches last year for having Super Bowl parties with TVs larger than 55″. Seriously. The linked article details more of their absurd chicanery; we urge you to avoid their sponsors whenever possible on the grounds that apparently the whole organization is run by fuckwits.

However, there is a funny part to this, hinging on some serious New England hubris:

This year, the big news … is that the New England Patriots have applied for a trademark on “19-0” to represent the undefeated season the team will have if it wins this season. The NY Post, snarky as ever, filed for a trademark on 18-1 in response, supporting the home town NY Giants.

Awesome.

For Christmas, the Horne Heathen Collective gifted me with a fascinating book about football called The Blind Side, by Michael Lewis. Lewis we knew; he’d written, among other things, Liar’s Poker, about the culture of bond salesmen on Wall Street in the 1980s. Lewis’ work reads like long-form magazine articles, in depth and highly interesting, so I tore into it immediately.

I finished it about 48 hours later. It’s a strong and compelling book comprised of two main narratives: first, the development of modern NFL tactics and strategy, with an emphasis on the so-called West Coast Offense (precision, timed short passes to precise routes, basically, which turned passing into something drastically more important than it was previously) pioneered by Bill Walsh, and second (and most importantly) the story of Michael Oher, a nearly feral African-American kid growing up in Memphis. Oher has no real parents, and basically lived by his wits and attended school only occasionally until a family friend, fulfilling a wish from his own child’s dying grandmother, ended up taking them to a suburban Christian school in the hopes they’d actually get an education there. Oher has essentially no educational background to build on, but when the small school’s football coach saw him — six and a half feet tall, nearly 350 pounds, hugely powerful, but with running-back speed — they figured out a way to admit him.

Somewhere along the way, the parents of another Briarcrest child took notice of Michael. Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy first clothed and fed, then housed, and finally adopted Michael more or less because it needed doing, and they had the means. They took it upon themselves to help Michael catch up academically — and athletically. Playing organized football for the first time as a junior, Oher was immediately a standout; by his senior year, he was being actively courted by virtually every big-name collegiate program in the country because his size, speed, and skills made him a perfect fit for the “blind side” of the offensive line in the new post-Walsh world of the NFL. The new world order needed big, fast, smart men on the quarterback’s non-dominant side, which typically means the left. Defensive players like Lawrence Taylor (don’t remember him? Joe Theismann’s leg does) had made a game of sacking quarterbacks, and the offense had to have an answer for them. In the years since, the Left Tackle position has become the second highest paid job in football, behind only the quarterback. Oher couldn’t fit this role any better if he’d been engineered in a lab.

Oher is now in his junior year at Ole Miss, and has been contemplating his future these last few weeks. With three years behind him, he’s eligable for the draft, and is widely considered to be a first or second round prospect. His coach is gone, replaced by Arkansas’ Houston Nutt. Many folks thought he’d go pro, and in fact he initially indicated his intent to do so — but then took advantage of the 72-hour regret period. As it happens, Oher will play SEC football next year after all. I can think of lots of reasons why he might prefer this, among them the prospect of a better season (Ole Miss was helpless this year even with Oher’s All-American, All-SEC heroics). However, after growing up without a family, and then suddenly getting one as supportive and devoted as the Tuohys, I also wonder if the prospect of the NFL isn’t a bit much for Oher just yet. Oxford is close to Memphis, and in fact the Tuohys own a house there as well. Why not be a kid one more year? It’s worth noting that Oher’s prospects aren’t as stark as they would have been had he come to Ole Miss from poverty; he doesn’t need NFL money to buy his parents a home, or a car, or take care of any relatives. He has no real kin other than the Tuohys, and Sean’s bankroll is sufficient for all of them. That gives Oher options.

It also means Ole Miss will be more fun to watch in 2008, and that can’t be bad.

Anyway, read the book. Many smart people, including Malcom Gladwell, are fond of this book; you won’t be sorry. However, we are very concerned about the movie buzz surrounding Lewis’ work. For one thing, there are few plausibly teenaged 6′ 6″ 300+ pound actors in Hollywood.

For the second year in a row, we have an SEC team and a Big Ten team in the BCS Championship Game, and once again the SEC dominated: this time, it was LSU 38, Ohio State 24 — and it wasn’t that close. The Buckeye’s final score came on a pro-forma last minute drive after LSU had gone up 38-17; with less than 2 left, it’s hard to believe LSU brought their best defense.

The game actually started with a completely different momentum vector; Ohio burst out to a 10-0 nothing lead in the first few minutes, and I will admit I was afraid the Tigers were choking. Turns out, they were just giving the Buckeyes a running start: LSU then notched 31 unanswered points before Ohio got back on the scoreboard.

The final AP poll is out, and it shows us something interesting: LSU has the top spot, of course, followed by Georgia, USC, Mizzou, Ohio State, and West Virginia. This is the first time a conference has had the top two spots in the AP since the Big 8 did it in 1971. And here’s the kicker: much was said about LSU being a 2-loss team, and that perhaps they didn’t deserve to play for the brass ring. Obviously, though, they’re not the ones who maybe didn’t deserve to be there.

Last night, Ohio State looked sloppy. We like our odds picking Georgia or Tennessee over the Buckeyes, too. We think West Virginia, if they played like they did in the Fiesta Bowl, would’ve steamrolled Ohio, too.

Our favorite stat: Ohio State is now 0 and 9 against the SEC in bowl games: quoth LSU safety Harry Coleman, “They don’t fight back like an SEC team would do.” Word. Ohio State went down quickly, and never recovered — this year, and last. That’s not SEC football, and it won’t get you the title. Try again, Vest-boy.

First SabanBowl (aka the Independence Bowl) is over: Crimson Tide 30, Colorado 24.

Sloppy, but NickyLou is still playing with folks he didn’t recruit. I, for one, look forward to next year, when I think it’s reasonable to expect something a bit better than a final rec of 7 and 6.

Sly Croom and his resurgent Mississippi State Bulldogs won the Liberty Bowl last night, besting the UCF Knights 10 to 3.

Actually, I’m not sure if “resurgent” is the right word, since I don’t remember State ever being this good (8-5 for the season), and they’re not done yet. Croom, who played and coached under Bear Bryant for 11 years, has been quietly building a real program in Starkville for four years. It’s going to be interesting to see how they fare in the SEC next year.

Artist, photographyer, and writer Richard Kadrey had the following to say about the major league baseball steroid foolishness over on The Well:

Dear News Dudes,

We’re losing two wars, people in europe and asia are wiping their asses with dollars because they’re worth less than toilet paper and at least half the current white house senior officials will probably be eligible for war crimes or profiteering charges when the dust settles. I only bring this up because some of us don’t goddamn care that much about goddamn steroid abuse in goddamn baseball. I acknowledge that it’s a legitimate news story, but the amount of time and the breathless “this is a world changing event!” coverage is, as my first editor at a tiny newspaper in Houston put it, “a cracked crock of shit.” Can you all just sit down, suck down a big, steaming mug of shut the fuck up and get some perspective? Are roger clemens shriveled balls really a more important story than rape and cover-up allegations against KBR? Are you just bored covering Britney’s breakdown or taping Amy Winehouse puking into her beehive? This isn’t the reporters’ fault, it’s you news editors sucking jock cock. Maybe you’re getting dad to sit up and listen to TV and radio news a little more, but you’re becoming even more of a joke to everyone else.

Oh, and Congress, you’re holding two hearings on the steroid thing? You can’t even pass a kid’s insurance bill and you’ve decided that this is the time to come clean on your secret Tom of Finland fetish so you can publicly speculate on a lot of big, buff guys’ pecs without looking too Larry Craig? Good choice. I have no doubt that this will make your approval ratings soar higher than Martin Borman’s, but still leave you a little south of bed sores.

Thank you. I’m off the put “the American in Me” by the Avengers on a loop and play it real LOUD out the window until the SWAT team comes down the chimney like santa and gifts me with a triple tap dirt nap. Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars.

(Reproduced here with Richard’s permission.)

We do not give TWO SHITS about the baseball steroid “scandal.” Professional athletes whose job it is to perform, and who may get cut at any time, and who depend on their jobs for their lifestyle, their ego, or their family turn out to be willing to abuse their bodies with anything that’s likely to help them run, hit, or field a bit better? SHOCKED! WE’RE SHOCKED!

Not. Frankly, we see the whole thing as hypocrisy. The public demands and rewards spectacular play, but is squeamish about ‘roids or HGH or whatever. There’s a huge disconnect. Add the major league money to the picture, and where we are now becomes a foregone conclusion for a long, long time.

The Florida QB just became the first underclassman ever to win the Heisman, number 3 for the Florida Gators — Spurrier and mid-90s standout Danny Wuerffel are the other two. Oddly, all three are the sons of clergymen.

Even better: since Tebow’s only a soph, we get to watch him play for the Gators next year, too. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to watch the Texans.

At the end of a weekend crazy enough to cap the craziest season in recent memory, we find a total reordering of the BCS. Here we go.

The first big shock was huge: Big East power West Virginia somehow managed to choke and choke hard, falling to unranked Pitt and thereby becoming the 6th second-ranked team this year to fall, and the 5th to an unranked team. Ouch. Say buh-bye to the title hunt, boys. On the other hand, they did give Pitt its first road win in 14 months. Pitt, for their part, improve to 5 and 7.

Unshocking in the extreme was overrated Mizzou finding itself unable to match Oklahoma. OU dominated the Missouri Tigers even more convincingly than in their regular season matchup back in October; the final score was 38 to 17, and OU claimed its second Big XII title in a row (amusingly, they’ll face the former #2 in the Fiesta Bowl).

With both #1 and #2 off the list, then, where does the BCS go? Well, wonder no more, little buddies, for the answer is known: the title game will feature LSU vs. Ohio State.

How’d we get here? LSU comes in the back door, by claiming the SEC title in their win over Tennessee on Saturday. Ohio State — in their capacity as the the old #3 — is an obvious choice to promote to the big game; they’re 11-1, and the 1 was a shocker against Illinois. LSU, though, requires some explanation. The prior rankings went Mizzou, West Virginia, OSU, Georgia, Kansas, Virginia Tech, LSU. The #1 and #2 losses outlined above clearly disqualify those teams, and OSU is in the show already, which brings us to the matter of Georgia. The 10-2 Bulldogs were for some reason ranked higher than LSU or Tennessee, but they’re manifestly not the SEC champs (they lost to Tennessee, who then lost the SEC title game to LSU), so they get kicked to the curb. (We agree that you can’t expect to play for the brass ring if you don’t win your division.) Kansas is, well, Kansas; they played candyasses all year, and the BCS voters know it. VaTech may be the ACC champs after beating BC on Saturday, but they’ve got just as many losses as LSU, and one of those was a cajun-style 48 to 7 ass-whippin’ from LSU back in September. Which brings us right back to Baton Rouge. (The fact that it took 6 OTs for LSU to lose twice didn’t hurt them.)

What a mess. It would’ve made more sense if the rankings past #2 last week made any sense; the calculus required above makes it clear that Nos. 3 through whatever were pretty much random, because when it came time to pick a new top pair, the BCS realized that their old #4, #5, and #6 needed to be skipped for the top game to make sense, and that means the whole list is a clusterfuck. Frankly, we hope there are many, many more years like this so that everyone sees that the only fair thing is for the NCAA to have a Division I tournament for football just like they do for the lower divisions and just like they do for basketball. There are plenty of plans out there they could adopt, and — quite frankly, and pardon my french — fuck the bowl sponsors. This whole this-bowl and that-bowl proliferation is absurd, and needs to be exposed for the fraud it is.

Finally, there’s one more lovely thing afoot. Very late last night, Colt Brennan and his Hawai’i Warriors managed to rally from 21 points back to win against Washington, 35 to 28, thereby staying perfect and making it impossible for any just system to keep them out of a BCS bowl. (Brennan was 42 of 50, including 6 for 6 in his final 76-yard drive; Hawai’i’s final 28 points were unanswered by the Huskies, who did not score in the second half.) They got their wish: they’ll meet Georgia in the Sugar Bowl. We don’t expect Georgia to have much trouble with the Warriors, but we’ll be rooting against our conference anyway. Hawai’i has tried to play big teams for a while now, to show folks they’re for real, and they’ve been frustrated because quite frankly nobody wants any part of their offense. USC flat out refused to schedule them. They deserve a shot at a good team and a good bowl, and I’m looking forward to watching it. Where can I get a Hawai’i jersey?

Evel Knievel is dead.

As previously noted, Bower was a positive bargain in the world of Division I-A coaches. This bit from the hometown rag notes that the trustees will have to step up the money to entice anyone to take over the somewhat backwater program; the ugly truth is that most offensive/defensive coordinators in the SEC make more than Bower got as head coach.

Pat Forde over at ESPN has a bit up about the coaching carnage, and had this to say about USM and Jeff Bower:

Jeff Bower, Southern Mississippi

Record: 119-82-1 overall, 7-5 this season.

Shock value: Immediate Dash reaction was, “No freakin’ way.” This has to be the stupidest move of Coaching Carousel Season, no matter what else is to come. (OK, if USC boots Pete Carroll tomorrow, that might be worse.) All Bower has done is compile 14 straight winning seasons, and 15 out of 17, at a school that should never mistake itself for Alabama. Put it this way: Bower’s run is comparable to Fisher DeBerry’s at Air Force or Sonny Lubick’s at Colorado State; they named the field for Lubick at CSU and DeBerry got to hand-pick is his successor. Bower deserved similar respect.

Capital offense: Hell if The Dash knows.

Will he coach again: Absolutely, if he wants to.

How good is the job: It’ll be attractive to some hot young assistants or lower-level head coaches who want to pad their resume for a couple of years and then upgrade. Most established coaches will look at what the school did to Bower and steer clear.

Successor: Nobody who would be willing to put 17 years of sweat equity into the place, that’s for sure. They saw what happened to the last guy who did that.

Longtime Heathen and USM alum Ear O’Corn points us here, which makes the case that perhaps Bower had it coming for lackluster performance compared to the 90s. However, even the linked article notes

…the move is obviously a risky one, because the odds of USM getting another boss that meets the expectations of a conference championship every three years or so – or that even does what Bower did in guiding the program to eleven bowl games in twelve years – are dramatically lower than the odds of hiring a worn-out retread or generic coach who turns the program into Memphis or UAB, a mediocre team with a seven or eight-win ceiling and a two or three-win floor, and hardly any way to distinguish which result you may get from year-to-year. This describes most of Conference USA right now, and the only reason it hasn’t described Southern Miss as far as I can tell is that Jeff Bower, at the very least, has never allowed the bottom to fall out to such an embarrassing degree. So the Eagles can do much, much worse, and the odds may be that they will.

Can they do better? Yes – briefly. A young hire that pays off in quick success is certainly possible, and will be great for the program in the short term, before he’s poached for big bucks by a bigger school on his way up the ladder. Mid-majors all want to make the splash hire, the Urban Meyer, Bobby Petrino, Steve Kragthorpe, Dennis Franchione, Dirk Koetter, Dan Hawkins who will take the program back into the polls, but the reality is that those coaches will move up quickly or, if they stay – like Bower or his nearest longtime parallels, Pat Hill at Fresno State and simultaneously-deposed Sonny Lubick at Colorado State – they will eventually succumb to the limitations of the location and drift back to the pack, and that coach will eventually stagnate and be forced out. See not only Bower and Lubick, but LaVell Edwards and Fisher DeBerry before them. Hill’s time will come. Chris Peterson will be paid lavishly soon to leave Boise State; ditto Bronco Mendenhall at BYU, or else his program will eventually move to the middle, too, as it did for Edwards. There are no exceptions to this.

I prefer Southern go the supernova route, hire a young, innovative guy and hope he pays spectacular dividends before moving on. At least we’d have those three or four great seasons and get a glimpse at the moon before descending back to Earth. Because in the long run, Southern Miss is just Southern Miss, and I don’t know that anyone can do a better job with that over an extended period of time than Jeff Bower.

Emphasis added.

Via Frank, we get this excellent idea from Yahoo! Sports writer Dan Wetzel. Go. Read.

So true. There’s more, including:

Just last week BCS administrators had to tweak their “system” for about the billionth time. The latest bandage was applied after it became apparent that the BCS might not have enough eligible at-large teams for its five games. Oops. The BCS works so well that the only undefeated team in the country, Hawaii, could finish the regular season 12-0 and still get squeezed out of a BCS bowl game. Meanwhile, two-loss Georgia, which didn’t even win its conference division or qualify for its league championship game, could conceivably play in a national title game. Huh?

Go read the whole thing.

ESPN’s Maisel has some good bits to say:

For years, Bower’s name received mention as a coaching candidate at programs with more resources than he has at Southern Mississippi. He stayed out of a sense of loyalty and family. He stayed, and now the school and its fans have left him.

Southern Mississippi begins a search for a coach who fits what it needs more than Bower does. It won’t happen. The Golden Eagles will find that out soon enough.

The rest of the SEC can keep on making fun of departing Arkansas coach Houston Nutt, as he’s been picked up by Ole Miss.

Southern Miss has apparently ousted head coach Jeff Bower after 17 seasons and a 119-81-1 record. Apparently, 14 consecutive winning seasons (7-5 this year, which is as good as Croom at MSU and better than Ole Miss), 9 bowl games in the last 10 years, and a trip to the Conference USA title game five times since 1996 isn’t enough for somebody. Hell, they’ve even got a bowl game this year.

USM has it hard; they’re perceived as a second tier program in the south because, at least in part, they’re not in the SEC. Consequently, many of the marquee high school players get picked up by the major programs in Oxford and Starkville and Baton Rouge. Even so, Bower — an alum — has had success there; it’s also a sure bet he’d stay forever due to his roots in the community.

From the Clarion-Ledger:

Bower was forced to resign during a meeting with USM athletic director Richard Giannini. Bower stormed out of the USM athletic department offices and went to his house. He could not be reached for comment.

[…]

The Golden Eagles (7-5) clinched a 14th consecutive winning season with a 16-10 victory over Arkansas State Saturday and received an invitation to the Papajohns.com Bowl in Birmingham. It will be the school’s ninth bowl trip in the last 10 years.

Although USM has the fifth-longest current streak of consecutive winning seasons among Division I-A teams, many USM fans have been critical of the program in the last several years.

Picked by league coaches as the preseason favorite to win Conference USA, the Golden Eagles finished fourth in the C-USA East with a 5-3 record. That included a home losses to previously winless Rice and to Memphis in a game that USM led by 12 with five minutes to play.

USM won four Conference USA championships under Bower, the last in 2003. The Golden Eagles won the C-USA East Division last year, but lost to Houston in the C-USA championship game. He was named the league’s coach of the decade in 2004 and was a three-time coach of the year (1997, ’99, ’03).

We predict a shitty season for the Golden Eagles next year, and for years to come. Folks are, predictably, annoyed.

(More bits: only 4 teams have longer streaks of winning seasons: Florida State (31), Michigan (23), Florida (20) and Virginia Tech (15) (cite). Bower’s tenure at USM is behind only 3 other coaches: Paterno, obviously, at 42 years; Bowden’s been at FSU for 32; and Virginia Tech’s Frank Beamer is at 21.)

(Even better: a recent news bit at CoachBower.com notes preseason ticket sales were at an all time high before the 2007 kickoff, and cited the ongoing success of Bower’s Eagles as the proximate reason. (Thanks, Frank.))

Up front, let’s get this off our chest: We pulled for those fucking coonasses all year because we thought they had a chance at the title, which would put the BCS crown in the SEC for two years running, and this is how they thank us — two triple-OT losses against candyass (for the SEC) opponents. It’s just as well; we figure this is LSU’s last shot for a while, since it’s a better than even bet that Miles will move north to take over for Lloyd Carr at Michigan. We’re still bitter that we delayed some holiday travel just to watch those fuckers squander another game that never should have been competitive, and with it their title hopes.

LSU’s loss put the rest of the BCS into a bit of a mess: see below.

Then, of course, there was the Iron Bowl on Saturday night. We’re not doing math this time, either. Frankly, we were still so disgusted after last week’s bullshit that we didn’t even watch; instead, we opted for a Star Trek rerun, since it turns out Mrs Heathen has never seen the episode that introduced Khan and laid the groundwork for the second movie. Sue us. We missed nothing. (We did, however, come across this funny picture. Enjoy.)

Fortunately, there were two better games to watch.

Back on Friday, the 104th Egg Bowl between Mississippi State and Ole Miss played out predictably for three and a half quarters, with plenty of hapless crappy play on both sides of the ball. By seven minutes into the 4th, Ole Miss was up 14 to zip, and it looked like another heartbreak for the Bulldogs.

Then they woke up. Sly Croom’s had a good year so far, and it got better on Friday. In the last 7 minutes of the game, his squad hauled in 17 unanswered points to shock the preppie weasels from Oxford and cement his hold on his job — and, maybe, qualify for a bowl. Ole Miss coach Orgeron wasn’t so lucky, and has been given his walking papers after only three seasons. Better luck in I-AA, Coach O.

After the Coonass Conflagration, we switched over to the Hawaii – Boise State contest, about which we could scarcely be happier. As has been previously noted by us and others, the Warriors have the weakest schedule in the BCS — but not for lack of trying. Nobody wants any part of their potentially explosive offense. USC and Michigan both said no outright; Michigan State scheduled them, but then took a $250K buyout option to bump them off their slate. Boise, though, we know might be real — they did manage to bag Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl last year, after all, even if their only “quality” win this year was against never-ranked Southern Miss. As it turns out, Hawaii is at least as real as Boise; the final score was 39 to 27, and it wasn’t that close. Hawaii stays perfect (11-0), and will face Washington (4-8, but they did give USC a scare in September) next week. If they win out, it’ll be awful hard to make a case for excluding them from a big-money bowl; the win over Boise makes them WAC champs already. (See below.)

Now let’s talk about rankings. LSU is obviously out; you can’t lose two and play in the show. Before this week, the rest of the top five was Kansas, West Virginia, Missouri, and Ohio State. Kansas and Mizzou played this week, too, and as predicted Kansas’ win streak stopped with a quickness. West Virginia spanked UConn, but that wasn’t enough to keep Mizzou from leapfrogging, improbably, into the top spot. The BCS folks see the new world order as:

1. Mizzou (11-1)
2. West Virginia (10-1)
3. Ohio State (11-1)
4. Georgia (10-2)
5. Kansas (11-1)

LSU clocks in at 7, behind Virginia Tech. Mizzou still has to play #9 Oklahoma for the Big XII championship, and few think they’ll survive that game. West Virginia still has unranked Pittsburgh (4-7) to play, so the Heathen bet for the Least Exciting Championship Game Ever is West Virginia and Ohio State. Hawaii — the only undefeated team in the nation — clocks in at 12; if they stay that high, they get a real bowl. Cross your fingers for the Warriors.

(Astute fans will note an anomaly above: the SEC championship game will not feature the highest ranked SEC team. It’s LSU and the same Tennessee squad that both Florida and Alabama humiliated earlier in the season.)

Finally, some odds and ends.

First, in the “predictable” column, Florida beat FSU again, thanks in no small part to the heroics of Tim Tebow. The frontrunner for the Heisman now has 51 total touchdowns this year, and is the only player in NCAA history to get more than 20 TDs in both rushing and passing. If he wins in New York, he’ll be the first underclassman to do so. If FSU doesn’t shape up, we wonder how long the Seminole Faithful will keep genuflecting to St Bowden.

Second, in the “somewhat surprising” department: Notre Dame managed to win again to extend their streak to, well, two. They end the year at 3 and 9. Who wants to bet on how well they’ll do next year?

We told you Oregon weren’t that good, and we were right; the Ducks dropped another game, this time to unranked Arizona on Thursday night, who still have a losing season even after knocking off the No. 2 team and ruining the Ducks’ shot at a title game.

What’s even weirder is who may have a shot: Kansas. The lone undefeated team in the contiguous 48 (Hawaii’s been robbed; we’d love to see them play a quality program) is now ranked at 2 in both AP and BCS, but has yet to play a real team. Truth will out next week, as they have to face #4 Missouri. If they win there, they’ll have to beat either Texas (9-2; 13 BCS & AP) or Oklahoma (9-2; 10 BCS & AP) in the Big 12 game to play for the title. Given their soft schedule, it’s amazing they’re ranked as they are; we don’t expect them to survive this gauntlet.

That means the real #2 is West Virginia, Missouri, or the Buckeyes, one of which will play LSU if the Tigers make it past the next two games. They had no trouble with Ole Miss on Saturday, but they have tough pavement ahead. Their final regular season game is Friday, against spoiler wannabe Arkansas (7-5, unranked and coachless). Assuming a win there, they’ll face either Tennessee (8-3; 18 BCS/19 AP) or Georgia (9-2; 7 BCS/6 AP) in the SEC title game. They’ve got to win both to play in the Show, and on paper they should. However, the SEC remains tough, and Miles’ squad had trouble with lesser squads from Alabama and Kentucky already this year.

Now, some quick hits:

Lloyd Carr Out at Michigan

It wasn’t the AppState game, or the Ohio State game; apparently he told the AD office he’d be retiring earlier in the season, and it seems reasonable. Mich has already had their Bear in Schelmwhateverthefuck, but following Carr won’t be particularly easy, either, unless they dislodge Les Miles and thereby piss off Tiger Nation.

FireNickSaban.com

Are you fucking kidding me? UL-Monroe? At HOME? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, NickyLou? We’re not even doing the math this time around; we’re too disgusted. The Tide drop to 6 and 5 after losing 2 straight, and face Auburn this week; Monroe improves to 5 and 6.

Aw, they got another win!

The Irish managed to quash also 1-9 Duke on Saturday to improve to 2 and 9 and bag its first home win of the season. In November. Say what you want, but you can’t take that away from them.