In which we celebrate resurrections

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The red beast (file foto) is being repaired even as we speak, ending a 9 month fallow period wherein it quietly and forlornly leaked expensive synthetic oil onto Heathen Central’s garage floor.

How much? To preserve topicality, we will state only that current estimates are, roughly, 3.5 wedding cakes, but that includes an annual service, oil change, new spark plugs, miscellaneous maintenance and a new battery in addition to fixing the aforementioned oil leaks (yes, plural). It may remain a bad idea executed very well, but at least it’s OUR exemplar thereof. Vroom Vroom.

Live 8

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So, twenty years ago, we wanted to watch the original Live Aid on TV, but for whatever reason our mother insisted on going camping instead as a “family activity.” We were not, she said, staying home for some concert on TV. This met with precisely the sort of reaction from 15-year-old Heathen that you’d expect.

The new Live 8 is nice to see, twenty years later, but cannot be the cultural event the original was. We hope it’s more successful, though, since Geldof presumably has a bit more savvy and pull behind him now than he did then.

The most irritating thing about it, though, is the hopeless nature of the broadcast. Fundamentally, they’re not doing concert coverage; they’re doing some sort of awful meta-coverage. The direction is awful; for example, they managed to never have a camera on Pete Townshend when he pulled his signature windmill, for example. The on-air talent is pulled from that most vapid of all possible pools, MTV’s “veejays.” They keep referring to one-hit, current-hot bands as “amazing” and “incredible” as if they’d just seen Jesus on lead guitar. A more systemic problem lurks, though: the coverage is clearly tailored for an 8-year-old with ADD. Virtually no entire songs are shown, and we’re pretty sure the first time we’ve seen two songs in a row from the same act is now, with the much-ballyhooed Pink Floyd reunion (“Breathe” followed by “Money”) — and even then they interrupted “Comfortably Numb” to let some stupid twat babble over it.

More proof — as if we needed it — that people are dumb as posts

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The Discovery Channel’s list of the greatest Americans has some interesting problems. As one friend put it: “I’m inclined to distrust any list of ‘great Americans’ that puts Oprah Fucking Winfrey more than 50 spots ahead of Nicola Tesla.”

Here’s a list of people simply not on the list at all: Jim Henson, Dr. Seuss, D.W. Griffiths, Eugene O’Neill, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Arthur Miller, Edward Albee, Leonard Bernstein, Stephen Sondheim.

To put that in perspective, the list does include Madonna, three Bushes (Barbara, George H. W. and George W.), Mel Gibson, Ellen DeGeneres, Tom Hanks, Pat Tillman, and Dr. Phil, for the love of God.

Follow-up
We have been alerted to this hilarious column wherein Washington Post columnist Gene Weingarten has a bit of sport with PR flack Elizabeth Hillman at the Discovery Channel. A sample:

Have you seen the list of 100 people nominated to be the greatest American of all time, as chosen in an online poll? It’s a hoot. It’s going to be the basis of a month-long series on the Discovery Channel in June, featuring runoff elections where the public will finally choose a winner. I decided I owed it to history — the history of American humor — to phone a Discovery Channel spokesperson for comment. Me: So, are you happy with the 100 nominees? Elizabeth Hillman: Well, we were pleased at the number of people who voted. The results are not for us to judge. This is who America chose. This is the pulse of America. Me: America seems to have a dangerously erratic pulse. For example, there seems to be a bit of a bias toward recent times, since more than half of the nominees are currently alive or were alive in the last five years. Does that trouble you? Or are you just relieved that Lincoln made the cut? Elizabeth: Ha-ha. Well, I’m fascinated by the diversity of opinion! Me: Not only are both George Bushes on the list, but Laura Bush and Barbara Bush, too! Whereas, say, James Madison is not. So, basically, Laura Bush and Barbara Bush are deemed to be greater Americans than the person who wrote the United States Constitution. What philosophical statement do you think the American public might be expressing by this decision? Do you think the statement might be, “We are as shallow as a loogie on the sidewalk?” Or, “We are self-involved, self-congratulatory, parochial-minded nitwits with a ludicrous ignorance of our own national history?” Which one?

Because he manages to zing CNN and “Left Behind” at the same time

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Fred “Slacktivist” Clark has been reading and dissecting the Left Behind series on Fridays — he refers to it as “Pretrib Porno,” after the nutbird faction of Christianity these books represent.

Among the literary failings he’s uncovered is a staggering lack of imagination. The world of LB involves a sudden, literal rapture — meaning that every true-blue Christian and child below the age of accountability was suddenly and bodily whisked away to heaven. By Fred’s reckoning (which he freely admits may be off, as he doesn’t agree with what Jenkins and LeHaye clearly think of as “real” Christianity), literally billions (Fred figures 37% of us) of people have suddenly vanished, including everyone on earth who orders from the kid’s menu. The scale of such an event is hard to internalize or understand, sure, but when you’re reading a book about such an event, you sort of expect the author not to suffer this sort of failure of imagination — but J & L fail here miserably. He’s got a character in a hotel trying to relax with CNN on, but he makes no mention of what’s on CNN. Fred puts it this way:

Whatever the precise figure of the disappeared, however, we can safely assume that it included hundred of thousands, if not millions of young, attractive white women. Buck is watching CNN. Think of it: Millions of missing white women, all at the same time. What would CNN do? Would they cover them all? Or maybe just the blonde ones?

Amusing Things Noticed in Louisville, Kentucky, Pt. 1

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In no particular order:

  • The waiter was able to give directions to a sushi restaurant that included “and turn right on Muhammad Ali…”
  • The 13th floor of out hotel isn’t missing; in fact, it’s the “club floor,” featuring nicer furniture, better beds, robes, complimentary cocktails and breakfast, and a dedicated concierge. (We get to stay on said floor due to a familial connection between client company ownership and former hotel ownership, and at a rate that’s frankly absurdly good.)
  • There’s a sign in the airport that boasts of the city’s status as “America’s 16th Largest City.” This reminds us of “Red, White, and Blaine” for some reason.

Endorsement: NeverLost

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We freely admit that in the past we’ve disparaged gimmicky add-ons like Hertz’s NeverLost system as yet anther tool to transfer money from marks to cons. However, our recent business travel experiences have showed us the error of that assumption. The NeverLost system works astoundingly well, and even manages to recover pretty rapidly if you make a mistake and get “off route” on your way to some location. (When that happens, it figures out where you are and plots a new route based on your current location.) It also keeps track of locations you’ve asked for during your rental (not unlike your browser’s history), so going back to the client site (e.g.) is a true no-brainer even if it’s twenty twisty miles away.

We’re not sure we’d use such a thing at home much, but in a strange city, having trustworthy navigation aids on hand is remarkably freeing. NeverLost actually interfaces with Yellow Pages info, so you can search for damn near anything. Need a mall? No problem. How about an office supply shop? Done. True, Hertz costs a bit more than the other guys, and NeverLost is only available on midsize cars and up — and adds $9 a day to your bill — but flexibility and convenience are frequently hard to come by on business trips, and NeverLost manages to deliver both with aplomb.

Atrios on Rove

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Turdblossom’s been in the news today for some pretty nasty comments about half the country made yesterday — and which the White House has fully supported:

“Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.” […] Mr. Rove also said American armed forces overseas were in more jeopardy as a result of remarks last week by Senator Richard J. Durbin, Democrat of Illinois, who compared American mistreatment of detainees to the acts of “Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime — Pol Pot or others.” “Has there ever been a more revealing moment this year?” Mr. Rove asked. “Let me just put this in fairly simple terms: Al Jazeera now broadcasts the words of Senator Durbin to the Mideast, certainly putting our troops in greater danger. No more needs to be said about the motives of liberals.”

In other words, more “libruls hate America and want our troops to die” bullshit. From the President’s chief advisor. With the full support of said President. Jesus.

Anyway, Atrios’ response:

For the record, my motives aren’t to get more troops killed. If those were my motives I’d ship them off to a war on false pretenses without sufficient equipment them safe.

You see, in the 70s, everything was different

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BoingBoing points us to this fine archive of “54”-era New York night life shots. It’s not safe for work (unless, presumably, you are or work for Ian Schrager), but there are some gems (marked safe or not):

It’s worth paging through all of them. New York was like a different planet then, apparently.

More on Durbin

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From Fred, who finishes with:

I don’t accept these new rules. Here’s what I believe: I believe that torture itself is dishonorable. I believe that failing to condemn torture is dishonorable. I believe that condoning the practice of torture empowers our enemies and puts American lives at risk. And I believe that by embracing the immoral, counterproductive and utterly un-American practice of torture we make America more closely resemble the kinds of infamous and evil regimes we ought never to resemble in the slightest. I believe that those who defend the practice of torture lessen America. I believe that the condemnation of those who condemn torture lessens America. I believe that Joseph Darby is a great American and that Jeremy Sivits is not. But I can’t believe that we’ve fallen so far that I actually have to say all these things. I can’t believe that we have reached the point where statements like “Torture is bad” and “It is good to condemn torture” are seen as controversial. A United States Senator spoke the truth. He condemned evil and called it un-American. And then he was forced to apologize. Jesus God.

Jackasses

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Flag-Burning Amendment Advances in House. Which justice was it that noted that the freedoms the flag purportedly stands for extend even to those who may hold it in contempt?

We’re pretty sure we don’t need to point out where a nation is going when it feels the need to alter its Constitution in order to prevent some kinds of political demonstration and, in the process, restrict what can be done with private property.

Gaaaah!

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Laura Lemay points out the worst esoteric computer language yet: l33t. Sample:

// "Hello World" by Stephen McGreal.
// Note that the views expressed in this source 
// code do not necessarily coincide with those of 
// the author :o)

Gr34t l33tN3$$?
M3h...
iT 41n't s0 7rIckY.

l33t sP33k is U8er keWl 4nD eA5y wehn u 7hink 1t tHr0uGh.
1f u w4nn4be UB3R-l33t u d3f1n1t3lY w4nt in 0n a b4d4sS 
h4xX0r1ng s1tE!!! ;p
w4r3Z c0ll3cT10n2 r 7eh l3Et3r!

Qu4k3 cL4nS r 7eh bE5t tH1ng 1n teh 3nTIr3 w0rlD!!!
g4m3s wh3r3 u g3t to 5h00t ppl r 70tAl1_y w1cK1d!!
I'M teh fr4GM4stEr aN I'lL t0t41_1Ly wIpE teh phr34k1ng 
fL00r ***j3d1 5tYlE*** wItH y0uR h1dE!!!! L0L0L0L!
t3lEphR4gG1nG l4m3rs wit mY m8tes r34lLy k1kK$ A$$

l33t hAxX0r$ CrE4t3 u8er- k3wL 5tUff lIkE n34t pR0gR4mm1nG 
lAnguidGe$...
s0m3tIm3$ teh l4nGu4gES l00k jUst l1k3 rE41_ 0neS 7o mAkE 
ppl Th1nk th3y'r3 ju$t n0rMal lEE7 5pEEk but th3y're 5ecRetLy c0dE!!!!
n080DY unDer5tAnD$ l33t SpEaK 4p4rT fr0m j3d1!!!!!
50mE kId 0n A me$$4gEb04rD m1ghT 8E a r0xX0r1nG hAxX0r 
wH0 w4nT2 t0 bR34k 5tuFf, 0r mAyb3 ju5t sh0w 7eh wAy5 l33t 
ppl cAn 8E m0re lIkE y0d4!!! hE i5 teh u8ER!!!!
1t m1ght 8E 5omE v1rus 0r a Pl4ySt4tI0n ch34t c0dE.
1t 3v3n MiTe jUs7 s4y "H3LL0 W0RLD!!!" u ju5t cAn'T gu3s5.
tH3r3's n3v3r anY p0iNt l00KiNg sC3pT1c4l c0s th4t, be1_1Ev3 
iT 0r n0t, 1s whAt th1s 1s!!!!!

5uxX0r5!!!L0L0L0L0L!!!!!!!

Dept. of Good Rants

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Richard Dawkins rants good in re: the intellectual bankruptcy that is ID theory. He closes with this gem:

You don’t know how the nerve impulse works? Good! You don’t understand how memories are laid down in the brain? Excellent! Is photosynthesis a bafflingly complex process? Wonderful! Please don’t go to work on the problem, just give up, and appeal to God. Dear scientist, don’t work on your mysteries. Bring us your mysteries for we can use them. Don’t squander precious ignorance by researching it away. Ignorance is God’s gift to Kansas.

More
BoingBoing points us to an open letter to the Kansas school board insisting that they also give classroom time to the Spaghetti Monster theory, on the grounds that it’s got as much going for it as ID.

More on Durbin

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Atrios points us to Howler, who express pretty solidly our feelings on Durbin being forced to apologize for speaking truth to power:

Indeed, the lunacy of the flap about Durbin shows the disturbing point we’ve now reached; if you’re a Democrat, a “firestorm” can quickly spread around you if you make remarks which are perfectly accurate. In this case, a Democrat actually did say something that’s about as mundane as “the sky is blue.” Have you read that FBI report–the report which Durbin was discussing? No one would associate the conduct it describes with the nation described in our civics texts, with the country you were taught to believe in as school kids. […] Durbin asked an obvious question: If you’d read that report, would you ever have thought that it was describing American conduct? Or would you have thought what Durbin said–that it must describe an evil regime, the type we have long denounced? The answer to that is perfectly obvious–and so is the state of our fallen culture, the culture being trampled under by the Russerts, the McCains and the Wallaces. But we’ve now reached a miraculous point in the crumbling of our discourse. We’ve reached the point where citizens are mocked by major scribes for wondering if we were lied into war–and where United States senators are told to apologize for denouncing the conduct described in that report. But then, lunacy has spread throughout our discourse over the course of the past dozen years. And your fiery “career liberals” have known to be silent. They looked away again and again. Now we see what that has bought us. Remember: If you’re troubled to think that we may have been lied into war, that makes you a “wing nut” to today’s “mainstream” press corps. And if you think that FBI report sounds un-American, you need to apologize to the Senate! McCain, Russert, Kristol, Hume, Wallace? They’ve turned their backs on sanity itself. Everyone has to fight this spreading press culture–and you have to ask more from those who kept quiet while this culture of insanity was born.

Fafblog on How Evil We Are

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Back to back brilliance! Giblets, Fafnir, and the Medium Lobster provide us with some much-needed balance by explaining how our little gulag problem isn’t nearly so bad as Hitler, Satan, or Galactus:

Galactus, Eater of Worlds: He eats whole worlds — with people on em an everything! Where would you be if Galactus ate your world? Nowhere that’s where — or just floatin in space feelin real sad on accounta you don’t got a world. How many worlds has the US ever eaten? Maybe, yknow, like one. Well that’s nothin for Galactus… he eats worlds all the time. “So delicious Fafnir,” says Galactus. “Mighty Galactus cannot devour just one.” As of this writing Amnesty International remains completely silent on the issue of Galactus. [Emph. added.]

Fafblog on “Climate” “Change”

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One can’t be too careful when deliberating over the shifting and byzantine web of confusion and doubt that is so-called “climate” “change.” Whom should we believe: the unruly mob of every reputable climatologist on the planet, or the selfless sages at Exxon-Mobil? Uncertainty abounds, even among higher beings like the Medium Lobster. We must examine all sides of the issue, take input from all corners: from the side of science, and from the side of oil industry whores paid to lie about science. Someday, somehow, between these complex and opposing points of view, we may just find an answer.

There is, of course, more.

Try as he might, he’s still not as big a prick as his brother

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Now that the autopsy has, once and for all, shown everyone just how stupid and wrongheaded the whole “save Terri” thing was (and don’t get us started on Frist stating she was making eye contact — with, presumably, some other part of her brain than the visual cortext, which was GONE), Jeb Bush wants a prosecutor to look into indicting Michael Schiavo on the grounds that maybe he took to long to call the ambulance.

Fifteen years ago.

What. The. Fuck?

See, the issue is that so few of our journalists are smart enough to get the reference.

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TMFTML points us to this gem by Mark Lawson on the end of Fleet Street:

Because the service marked the death of an address rather than a person, both congregation and celebrants seemed uncertain of the appropriate tone. As Murdoch walked past, one old journalist muttered ‘Christ, I’m close enough to kill him’, words which can seldom have been heard in an Anglican church since Thomas Becket.

Happy Bloomsday

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For reasons we think best not to disclose — but which have nothing to do with dipsomania — we’re spending this year’s Bloomsday in a warehouse full of Jack Daniel’s.

Oh: “Yes I said yes I will Yes.”