Well, he’s not exactly local — he lives in NYC, and he’s from Birmingham, and here I am in Texas — and the degree to which “publication in an Internet magazine” can be construed as “makes good” should be left as an exercise for the reader (particularly when said publication is really just him being snarky at his (real or imagined (HDANCN?) neighbors), but my pal Chris Mohney has a piece in McSweeney’s. (It’s the September 5 top story; there does not appear to be a permanent link yet.)

Mr Bond, your car is ready.

Minor style changes & such. The whole thing should (a) center in your browser and (b) resize with the browser, rendering it useful (?) in any width window. The shoemakers children in this case now have at least nominal footwear, but only on a few static pages plus the Heathen section.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled shenanigans.

At last, a historically accurate George W. Bush Action Figure! (Karl Rove Control Chip and Spine sold separately.)

In honor of my annual hunting trip, a trip in the wayback machine from 1997: Lawyers, Guns, and Money. Thanks to longtime NoGator Hunting Correspondent P.M. for yet another fine trip to reduce the Dove Menace.

You know, this whole Judge-Moore, Ten-Commandments bruhaha has given the rest of the country plenty of time to poke at the rigid, fundamentalist streak that runs through Alabama and the South in general, and its concomitant inability to understand what “separation of Church and State” actually means. As a native Mississippian, though, I have able to take refuge in the fact that for once, the state being lampooned wasn’t my own.

Well, Mississippi Governor Ronnie Musgrove has gone out of his way to make sure everyone remembers that Mississippi is backward, too. Thanks, Ronnie.

Because a triple cheesburger is for losers.

The Imperial Scout Walker Kama Sutra.

Yeah. We can see it from our bed.

The page has been eaten by monsters.

This analysis of the state of Windows as compared to Linux and Mac OS X is as clear a discussion as I’ve seen, and points out what those of us in technology already know: all these worms and viruses spreading like wildfire are actually only dangerous to your machine if you’re running Windows. He begins:

Between the Blaster worm and the Sobig virus, it’s been a long two weeks for Windows users. But nobody with a Mac or a Linux PC has had to lose a moment of sleep over these outbreaks — just like in earlier “malware” epidemics. This is not a coincidence. . . . In its default setup, Windows XP on the Internet amounts to a car parked in a bad part of town, with the doors unlocked, the key in the ignition and a Post-It note on the dashboard saying, “Please don’t steal this.”

What’s the cost of these worms and viruses? Millions if not billions of dollars in lost productivity, not to mention data loss. Microsoft doesn’t care, and they don’t have to; the market has never punished them for offering such ridiculous default configurations, or such absurd security nightmares as Outlook/Exchange. Even their servers are industry jokes; it’s been years since Gartner officially recommended against using any outward-facing Microsoft server, but do the suits listen? No.

At the end of the day, the point is this: Offices not dependent on Microsoft’s poorly engineered software got away essentially scott free this month, while many that are ground to a halt. I wonder how many CFOs will notice?

The, er, “eccentric” behind the Thought-Screen Helment tin-foil-will-save-you site I posted a few days ago wrote me in response:

So here you are. Enjoy.

They’re reviving CAPPS II — the airline traveller profiling system — by involving a private firm. This is ugly shit. Read more at DontSpyOnUs.com.

Perhaps you are aware of Fox News’ attempts to force satirist Al Franken to remove “Fair and Balanced” from the title of his new book ( Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right). Leaving aside for a moment the sheer amusement value of their argument (that Franken will blur and distort the meaning of “fair and balanced”), let’s look at Fox commentator Bill O’Reilly and his rant in (where else?) the Murdoch-owned Daily News, wherein he attempts to assert that Al Franken — one of the originial writers at Saturday Night Live — is not in fact a satirist, and therefore not entitled to use Fox’s catch phrase in a satirical effort. With no trace of irony, he says:

Fox News has become the highest-rated news network on cable because we feature lively debate and all honest voices are welcome. We don’t do drive-by character assassinations, and we don’t denigrate opposing points of view by launching gratuitous personal attacks . . . It makes me sick to see intellectually dishonest individuals hide behind the First Amendment to spread propaganda, libel and slander. But this is a growing trend in America, where the exchange of ideas often degenerates into verbal mud wrestling with intent to injure.

All I can make of this is that apparently, he doesn’t watch his own show. His abusive tactics are seen by millions of viewers a week, and have been well documented. Only a few months ago he cut the mike of a 9/11 victim’s son because he disagreed with his comments. More than this, Franken makes the case quite well that O’Reilly belongs on the cover of this book, given his history of distorting and exaggerating his journalism resume, not to mention his ongoing attempts to cast his upper-middle-class upbringing as poor and humble. Franken has publically busted O’Reilly before, too, since Bill seems to like to claim to have won a Peabody — which, of course, has never happened.

The scary thing is this: people still take O’Reilly seriously.

Which is why nobody will run this in conventional media: Why I Hate George W. Bush.

The US now has the highest incarceration rate in the world. According to a Justice Department report, 1 in 37 Americans is now serving or has served time; the population has quadrupled in the last 23 years. The Christian Science Monitor examines the situation further.

Marriage is a sacred thing, and can be a beautiful expression of love between two people. But weddings themselves are notoriously stressful and expensive affairs, so there’s little surprise that frayed nerves often fill the hours before the blessed union.

Of course, that’s probably not quite enough to explain the debacle described here, though if we factor “18 year old bride” and “classless dipsomaniacal bimbo” into the equation, we may get somewhere. (RealVideo coverage here as well, not to be missed.)

50 Reasons Why Lord of the Rings Sucks.

The people at StopAbductions.com are refreshingly unconcerned with abductions that, you know, actually happen. Oh, and you’re free to copy their instructions for creating a “Thought Screen Helmet,” if you like. If you make one, I encourage you to wear it at all times so that the rest of us can, um, admire your self-reliance.

Soros, that is. He’s ponied up big bucks to help defeat Bush’s money machine. I think I’ll send him a check.

Just as Diebold. They can’t even keep their web site secure, and they expect us to trust them with our republic?

Today, it’s 101 fun-loving degrees here. That’s the actual air temperature. With the heat index, it’s more like 111.

Every summer, I wonder how many more of these Houston Augusts I can take before I move to someplace temperate, like Atlanta, or Venus.

On the left, a scary scary Liberian. On the right, a scary Librarian.

There is no article about the scary Librarian. Of the Liberian, the less said, the better — though you can be sure I’m terribly glad there’s no reference in the article cited above of them also singing “I Feel Pretty.”

No, really. What time is it? Turns out, nobody really knows.

Not that I think this is a reasonable excuse for anything, mind you.

The WHO is set to release healthy eating guidelines, but not if the sugar lobby has anything to do with it.

No, this isn’t about Chuck Berry. It’s about this guy:

It’s his 28th birthday. Send him a nasty message.

Larry Flynt has a prayer campaign I think we can all appreciate.

Programming Language Inventor or Serial Killer?

In the wake of Lawrence v. Texas, plenty of folks have weighed in on the gay marriage issue, not the least of them clergy of various stripes. It therefore comes as no surprise that Rome has something to say, and something loud and bombastic at that. Somehow, they discovered the stones required to insist that allowing gay adoption “does violence” to the children involved.

Presumably, we should take them at their word, since any organization that has made an ongoing practice of covering up its own pedophilia and sexual abuse for decades clearly knows more about violance against children than simple, loving parents. I’m pretty sure we ought not be taking our cues about child care from these guys. How, again, are two loving parents who happen to be the same gender somehow tantamount to violence? Perhaps the real violence here is the idea of leaving one’s children in the care of people who can’t tell abuse from ministry, and shuffle personnel to protect rapists and their own organization rather than accept responsibility for violating a profoundly sacred trust. I’m honestly stunned they think they have any credibility on the issue whatsoever.

Other people saying the same thing include Patrick Nielsen-Hayden ( blog) over at Electrolite, who includes a few other comments as well.

In case you’re just tuning in to this particular bit of judicial tomfoolery, a generally goofy French national named Zacarias Moussaoui has been on trial for quite some time for being, ostensibly, the “20th Man” in the 9/11 plot. Well, I say trial; what’s really happening is that the Jusice Department is being embarrassed by a man everyone thought was crazy as a loon when this whole thing started (an impression fueled in part by his insistence on representing himself).

The worm began to turn, however, when Moussaoui refused to go quietly to what would have been — and still may be — his ultimate doom. The prosecution, citing nebulous “national security” concerns, continues to refuse to allow Mr. Moussaoui to depose their star witness — a witness who may well have exculpatory evidence (essentially, that he was too nutty for Al Queda to trust in the plot). As I sincerely hope we all remember from civics, the right to confront and question the witnesses for the prosecution is a key portion of the judicial process in this country. Accordingly, Justice’s refusal to comply with basic Constitutional law has earned them harsh words from the presiding judge, Leonie Brinkema. In a January 31 ruling, the prosecution was ordered to allow the deposition. They have refused to comply, so next week Judge Brinkema will impose sanctions — which could extend all the way to outright dimissal of the charges.

Of course, if that happens, the government will probably just trot Mr. Moussaoui off to a military tribunal, where the standards are much more lax and appeal isn’t an option — and where the death penalty is virtually assured.

Pay attention, people; these rights have to matter and be honored by our government even when it’s inconvenient for them to be rights at all.

Naval ships have their own post codes.

Sam Phillips, arguably the father of rock and roll, died yesterday in (where else?) Memphis. He was 80.

Phillips started as a DJ, but quickly moved to recording. He opened Memphis Recording Service in 1950, where he recorded many local blues artists — including B.B. King,ÊHowlin’ WolfÊand James Cotton. In March of 1951, he recorded what is generally considered the first rock and roll song, “Rocket 88,” by singer Jackie Brenston and Ike Turner’s band, for Chess Records. By June, it was number one on the R&B chart, and a whole new style of music was taking root.

Phillips’ next venture was the studio that still stands as a tourist attraction today: Sun Records. He founded Sun in 1952, and from there launched the careers of such icons as Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis, Roy Orbison, Carl Perkins — and a truck driver from Tupelo named Presley. It was at Sun with Phillips that Elvis recorded his first songs on a summer day in 1954: a single with “That’s All Right” on one side and “Blue Moon of Kentucky” on the other. Phillips stood out in that era not just for producing solid talent, but also for doing so without regard to race despite being firmly in the Jim Crow South.

Phillips was inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in its first year (1986), alongside many of the giants he helped produce.

While the stated inspiration for this domain name has little if anything to do with the University of Florida — notwithstanding the allegiance we at NoGators have for the Southeastern Conference — it is encouraging to see them take our credo so seriously.

We’re now apparently kidnapping noncombatants in Iraq.

Col. David Hogg, commander of the 2nd Brigade of the 4th Infantry Division, said tougher methods are being used to gather the intelligence. On Wednesday night, he said, his troops picked up the wife and daughter of an Iraqi lieutenant general. They left a note: “If you want your family released, turn yourself in.” Such tactics are justified, he said, because, “It’s an intelligence operation with detainees, and these people have info.” They would have been released in due course, he added later.

Maryland is busily adopting Diebold’s computerized voting system despite a study showing the system to have massive security problems. The study — by researchers with Johns Hopkins’ Information Security Institute — found numerous problems.

They concluded that the system was so flawed that voters could vote multiple times, that ATM-like “Smart Cards” such as those used in Maryland could easily be copied and that an insider could program the machine to register votes incorrectly.

Are they really just figuring out that computerized voting can be troublesome? As it happens, no:

In 2001, four out of the five members of the technical group that was asked to recommend to the state which electronic voting system to buy instead recommended against buying any at all. The state ignored the advice.

Paper may be old, but at least it’s auditable. More coverage of the same study here.

When you care enough to send the very best, or at least the tackiest, you can use this service.

Now just read this while I go find some rye.

Lance Armstrong won Monday’s Tour de France stage outright, and stretched his lead to a bit more than a minute (1:07) over his closest challenger, 1997 Tour winner Jan Ulrich (second to Armstrong in ’00 and ’01).

Every Tour since 1999 has belonged to the Texan. Tuesday is a rest day; after that, there are five more stages. On Sunday, Armstrong may well equal Miguel Indurain’s record five-in-a-row sweep of the Tour (1991-1995). Three other riders have also won five tours, but not consecutively:

• France’s Jacques Anquetil (1957, 1961, 1962, 1963, 1964);
• Belgium’s legendary Eddy Merckx (1969, 1970, 1971, 1972, 1974); and
• France’s Bernard Hinault (1978, 1979, 1981, 1982, 1985)

The last American to win — before Armstrong — was Greg LeMond, who won three times: in 1986, 1989, and 1990. LeMond is also the only other American to ever win the Tour.

Cross your fingers, dear readers. He may not need it, but it can’t hurt.

Over at the National Review, Maggie Gallagher is insisting that American society will collapse if we allow gay marriage. The logical leaps here are awe inspiring. She closes with this, which is simply mind-boggling:

The future belongs to people who do the hard things necessary to reproduce not only themselves, but their civilization. Marriage is not an option, it is a precondition for social survival. Not everyone lives up to the marriage ideal in this or any civilization. But when a society abandons the marriage idea altogether as a shared public norm, do not expect private individuals to be able to sustain marriage. Winning the gay-marriage debate may be hard, but to those of us who witnessed the fall of Communism, despair is inexcusable and irresponsible. Losing this battle means losing the idea that children need mothers and fathers. It means losing the marriage debate. It means losing limited government. It means losing American civilization. It means losing, period.

Pretty amazing, isn’t it? It’s possible that Gallagher is capable of clear, well-reasoned thought on issues unrelated to homosexuality, but you’d never be able to tell from this piece. I continue to be amazed that the party of “limited government” seems so hot to decide who we can and can’t marry, and is willing to employ such bizarre arguments in the service of this goal.

DirecTV is now suing anybody they can find with SmartCard programming tools, and never mind that the tools are legal and can be used for things that aren’t stealing satellite signals. I hope at least some of these folks have the funds to fight it, and find somebody willing to represent them in a countersuit. They deserve to go down, down, down for this.