“I am leaving New York City because of all these goddamned wizards.”

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Why I Am Leaving New York City has been open in my browser for months, but it still needs sharing.

Ex:

Last year my building went co-op after it was bought out by a representative of the Unseelie Court. They turned the super into a burning brand and replaced him with Robin Goodfellow, a large, hairy man with a tail who performs housework in exchange for a saucer of milk and a place in front of the fire. He is the son of a witch and the Devil and he still hasn’t fixed my radiator even though I put in a written request in September.

Why Jon Stewart is a goddamn treasure

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Because he does things like this when his colleagues leave for greener pastures.

Jon Oliver — who famously took over the desk this summer — is getting his own show on HBO. Stewart is clearly proud and happy, and wanted to give him a bit of a send-off on-air. He also wanted it to be a surprise, though, so he wrote and rehearsed a completely false bit that required Oliver as the correspondent, and then broke character about a minute into it to shift into a really glorious sendoff compilation.

It seems pretty clear that Stewart’s a swell guy, and that the team at TDS have real affection for one another. It shows through the comedy, and probably fuels their success to no small degree.

Grandpa Walton, Progressive Hero

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The actor Will Geer was an icon in the 1970s because of his late-life success (and acclaim) playing Grandpa Walton, but (as with most folks in their 70s), he did quite a bit of living before that point.

Today, I found myself at his Wikipedia page. Go give it a read. Geer, a lifelong progressive, had quite a story — between organizing for labor, getting blacklisted, touring with folk singers in the 30s, introducing Woody Guthrie to Pete Seeger, etc. You know, normal stuff.

Turns out, he also inspired a character in a Richard Yates novel.

One Toke.

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In 1971, somehow, the Lawrence Welk show featured a hokey, square performance of “One Toke Over The Line”; Welk himself referred to it as a “modern spiritual.”

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

The song is infinitely more famous for having been included in a particularly drug-soaked work of Gonzo journalism as well as the film adaptation (at 2:00 or so). There’s not another meaning for “toke.”

This must be what they meant when they talked about the “generation gap” back then. Still, you have to believe that someone at the Welk office knew just exactly what this song meant, and let the whole process happen as a goof.

Merry Christmas from the Doctor, Romana, and K9

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The presence of Mary Tamm marks this as, most likely, Christmas 1978. The slightly more iconic and long-lasting regeneration of Romana was, of course, played by Lalla Ward after Tamm left the role in 1979.

Ward married Tom Baker towards the end of her run, but it didn’t last (ah, “showmance“). She’s been married to Richard Dawkins since 1992.

Tamm, sadly, is one of the few companions as yet promoted to the Choir Invisible. She died of cancer in 2012 at the age of 62.

HOWTO: Tell the Russians What You Think Of Their Bigotry

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The White House has announced that the President, First Lady, and the Vice President will not be attending opening ceremonies for the Sochi Olympics, citing “travel schedules.”

Right.

Instead, President Obama is sending a delegation that includes, as its highest ranking member, a former (not current) Cabinet official. For context, this is the first opening ceremonies since 2000 that did not include at least someone of Cabinet rank.

Also included are two very prominent retired atheletes.

Representing the “diversity that is the US” will be tennis great and (Gay and Lesbian Sports Hall of Famer) Billie Jean King and figure skating medalist Brian Boitano.

It should escape no one that this comes the same week Bill O’Reilly pronounced Putin “one of us” in re: his stance on homosexuality.

If you don’t control it, you don’t own it.

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Disney proved that this holiday season by retroactively removing access to Christmas specials that were purchased for use via Amazon last year. More at the Guardian:

Disney’s Prep & Landing, a Christmas special first aired in 2009, has been available for customers to rent and buy on Amazon’s Instant Video service since Christmas 2011, when its sequel was aired and also uploaded.

For $2.99, customers could purchase the video, which Amazon’s site says lets them: “watch and re-watch it as often as you like… You may stream a purchased video while connected to the internet and access the video from Your Video Library on any other compatible device. You may also download the video.”

Now, though, the company has removed access to both episodes of Prep & Landing, not only preventing new customers buying or renting the show, but also preventing those who have already paid – under the promise that they could “re-watch it as often” as they like – from doing so.

That Amazon provided a credit is of little consequence; the fact that Disney pretended to “sell” this person a copy that, it turns out, they could deactivate at will is the problem.

Don’t go in for this kind of bullshit. Buy an unencumbered copy, which usually means a physical one. And, honestly, fuck Disney. They’ve proved over and over that they are an evil company, and do not deserve your love, your dollars, or your support.

Oh, AT&T. By what black magic have you managed to monetize customer annoyance?

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So, imagine if you will that you have a question about your AT&T bill — a document of such unfathomably needless complexity that it seems obviously designed to allow those goatfuckers to slip extra charges in whenever they want.

First, of course, you do some mental math to determine of the possible value of the question makes it worth your while to call AT&T. Be honest with yourself: you know good and damn well that you’ll have to deal with a voice menu system that’s calculated to make you abandon your call, and then deal with a poorly trained offshore resource who cannot deviate from his menu — a menu that’s chock full of boilerplate phrases about how much they value your time and business (i.e., lies) but are instead designed to waste your time — and who cannot actually help you with anything, but (like the ARU) is doubtless in the mix to encourage even more callers to give up in despair before reaching the vanishingly few number of reps who might actually know something helpful.

But you persevere. You stay with it, even after they transfer you, even after re-entering your account number multiple times (and re-read it to operators), and and even after being hung up on during “transfers”.

Finally, you get to someone who might actually be able to help. You try to pose your billing question, but are interrupted by the poor sop in India who insists that you answer your security question.

Ok, fine.

Except, of course — you saw this coming, didn’t you? — the security question makes no sense at all. It’s something you never would have picked. You have no idea what the answer is. And because of this, they won’t help you.

Fuck.

Apparently, the Indian lets slip, this security question is sometimes set accidentally by AT&T. It happens. So you go back to the “My ATT” (if only!) site, keeping your Indian on the line all the while, and quickly navigate to the carefully hidden Security Options page so that you can reset your security question to something you actually know.

Here’s where it gets awesome: the security questions on MyATT? Totally unrelated to the one the Indian is asking you. There are two on MyATT. They make sense. You obviously picked them. But neither of them are the one the Indian on the phone demands you answer.

It will eventually be revealed that the question they ask when you call is a completely DIFFERENT question, unrelated to the ones you can set online. And, just to be safe, there is NO WAY to change the call-in security question except by calling in and answering it.

Somebody at AT&T seems to have mistaken a certain postwar novel for an instruction manual.

As for me, at this point? There was yelling. There was a language barrier, but I’m pretty sure yelling is universal. I did, eventually, succeed in getting it reset to something I know. It only took 90 minutes. And then they explained the bill. Finally.

Jesus fucking Christ on a pogo stick with a side of beans, these people suck. Will NO ONE create a telco that doesn’t seem completely invested in fucking us over? Where the fuck are the regulators? Bring these goatfuckers to heel, for the love of all that’s holy.

Dept. of Truly AMAZING Police Misconduct

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In September, the NYPD decided it would be a good idea to confront and ultimately shoot at an unarmed mentally ill homeless man in Times Square, which (as you may know) tends to be a crowded place.

The cops managed to miss their mark entirely, but DID succeed in hitting two innocent bystanders.

Obviously, someone must pay for this sort of completely fucking retarded behavior, and someone will: The DA has indicted the mentally ill man for assault, claiming therein that he “recklessly engaged in conduct which created a grave risk of death.”

Basically, they’re charging an unarmed man for a shooting rampage. Nice one, NYPD.

Dept. of Governmental Misdeeds

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Apparently, the FBI can watch you via your webcam without triggering the “active” light, which is a power I’m absolutely CERTAIN will NEVER be misused EVEN A LITTLE BIT:

The FBI has been able to covertly activate a computer’s camera — without triggering the light that lets users know it is recording — for several years, and has used that technique mainly in terrorism cases or the most serious criminal investigations, said Marcus Thomas, former assistant director of the FBI’s Operational Technology Division in Quantico, now on the advisory board of Subsentio, a firm that helps telecommunications carriers comply with federal wiretap statutes.

Get a post-it. Or, better yet, order some EFF stickers. Make sure YOUR devices are really and truly YOURS; given the absurd degree of surveillance the Snowden leaks have exposed, it’s the only prudent course of action.

How To Tell That We’re Screwed

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When Jim Sensenbrenner, the author of the PATRIOT Act, a mad power-grab by executive power enthusiasts, thinks the NSA and the FBI have gone too damn far:

As the author of the Patriot Act, I am extremely troubled by the FBI’s interpretation of this legislation. While I believe the Patriot Act appropriately balanced national security concerns and civil rights, I have always worried about potential abuses. The Bureau’s broad application for phone records was made under the so-called business records provision of the Act. I do not believe the broadly drafted FISA order is consistent with the requirements of the Patriot Act. Seizing phone records of millions of innocent people is excessive and un-American.