Dept. of Open Letters

Dear Layla,

So, a week or so ago, your Aunt and I went to Washington to see something amazing happen. What made it even more exceptional to us is the fact that for you, in your life, it will always be simple history, just as “men walking on the moon” is a boring fact for your Dad and I but astonishing science fiction come true for your grandmother. Barack Obama became the 44th president of the United States on January 20, 2009, and your Aunt Bo and I got to be there to see it happen, standing in the cold about 450 feet from the podium, in an astonishing crowd of 2 million amazed Americans.

We got this extreme pleasure because Erin worked her ass off on the Obama campaign here in Houston, organizing phone banks and canvassing squads, managing other volunteers, and generally making herself as indispensable to the local DNC and OFA staffers as she always is to me. This got us “Silver” class standing tickets, which put us in the outermost ticketed area — people behind us were ticketless, standing on the National Mall. (We found out later that we apparently were lucky to have the Silvers; some folks in the nicer, closer Blue and Purple sections were victims of crowd management gone bad, and never got in.) From where we stood, we could barely discern the podium, but we could see the Jumbotron quite clearly, and the PA system worked fine. We had no trouble hearing the speeches, the music, or Justice Roberts bollocksing up the oath.

Without these tickets, I’m not sure we would have tried to go — I hope we would have; being there is now one of my most treasured experiences, and rates on the list only a few slots behind the first time I held you. But we got the tickets, and Erin’s brother-in-law’s mom had room for us in Chevy Chase not far from the Bethesda metro stop, and we had the frequent flier miles to keep us from having to spend a fortune on plane tickets, so to DC we went. My boss was envious and supportive despite the crunch we were under at the time, and even texted me to cheer for him on Tuesday. (Of course, owing to the overloaded cell network, I didn’t get the text until well after the Inauguration was over. I’m confident our cheer volume was sufficient, though.)

The frequent flier mile tickets put us up there early, on Saturday, which was fine with Erin and I since we have friends in the District. We stayed with our friend Tony in Virginia that first night. His apartment was full of his kids’ artwork, and seeing all that gave me the same good feeling I always have when I see Tony and his kids. It’s neat to see who this guy from college grew up to be, which I’m sure is a feeling you’ll get someday. Anyway, we went out to dinner with Tony on Saturday, and then drove into the District to do some nighttime monument photography. It was super cold, and we froze our butts off wandering around from the Washington Monument all the way down to the Lincoln Memorial.

Something weird was going on when we arrived there; music was playing, and we could see shapes moving on the jumbotrons set up for Sunday’s Inaugural concert. We assumed it was a sound-and-systems-check of some kind — it was already about 9:00, and no one was out — but as we got closer we could recognize the singer. First, it was James Taylor, and we joked about “what kind of weirdo does a soundcheck with James Taylor,” but then it became an unknown voice singing “American Pie,” and we were close enough by then to be able to tell from the screens that it was someone actually performing. We just couldn’t tell who it was until we got a bit closer, when one of us said “Is that Garth Brooks singing American Pie which a choir?” Yes, yes it was. We figure it was a soundcheck or something — there was literally no crowd beyond those working the event — so it was kind of weird. Brooks, for his part, has been largely absent from American popular culture for at least 10 years now, so recognizing him (especially without his trademark hat) was sort of a challenge.

When we came back to the Mall on Sunday for the concert, it was with about 400,000 other people. The area around the Lincoln’s reflecting pool was a sea of people, all bundled up against the cold and forecast, but never actual, snow. A somewhat bizarre who’s-who of artists played that afternoon in honor of the new president-elect, from Bruce Springsteen to U2 to the 89-year-old folk icon Pete Seeger (and Brooks, natch, this time in his black hat). Actors read from significant speeches between musical numbers, and we all got a little taste of what Tuesday’s throngs would be like. It was here, on Sunday, that we first encountered the “friendliest massive throng of humanity EVER” phenomenon, as strangers willingly parted to reunite separated people, shoving was almost unheard of, and smiling epidemic. People danced and sang along, and listened intently when Obama spoke at the end of the afternoon. We were very, very cold when we made our way back to the Metro, but also excited and pleased and hopeful.

Monday was our less busy day; we were by this point working out of Virginia Ceasar’s home in Maryland, enjoying wonderful hospitality at a price you can’t beat (i.e., free). She was delightful to us, constantly ferrying us to the Metro at a moment’s notice, and for that Erin and I remain very grateful. We met up with the “Texans for Obama” crowd at a downtown brewpub for lunch, which turned out to be a delightful if insanely crowded affair. Erin’s crack squad of volunteers was there — including Paddy, a young man from Dublin who was so inspired by Obama that he took leave and flew to the US to volunteer on the campaign — along with the Texas-wide muckety-mucks and at least one surprise: an old friend of mine, long since moved to El Paso, had done a huge share of volunteering in West Texas since her husband worked for the DNC out there. It’s always fun to run into people in faraway places, but it was especially cool to add that kind of fun on top of the emotional high of Inauguration week.

Tuesday came quickly enough. The inauguration was set to begin at 11:30, as I recall, but we left Virginia’s before 8:00. She, of course, took us to the Metro station, fortunately on the same line as the Mall exit we planned to use to get to our section, Judiciary Square. The throng effect was already in place when we emerged just north of the Mall about half an hour later, and from that point on we pretty much stayed in a massive crowd until about 2:30 that afternoon.

There was some confusion about the proper walking route from north-of-the-Mall to the Silver entrance point on the south side, but eventually we did locate the path — which involved, hilariously, walking through an underground tunnel ordinarily closed to pedestrians. Walking, walking, and more walking ensued, until finally we found what we thought was the Silver entrance line. We followed it, and followed it, and followed it some more for about 45 minutes before we found what we thought was the end of it at about 9:45, our hearts sinking since the mile+ of line was not moving, and we were terribly afraid we’d be standing in line until well after the Inauguration was over.

In a gesture of absurd hope, I left Erin in the line and jogged about 20 yards over to a red-capped Inauguration volunteer to ask what was up. His answer saved our day: “yeah, the line’s broken and doesn’t lead anywhere. Just go back towards the entrance just west of the Indian museum, and you’ll get in there.” I yelled for Erin, and we ran for it, just ahead of a general announcement to the rest of the line. Lucky, lucky, lucky.

When we got the gate, we were cheek-by-jowl with hundreds if not thousands of other people all trying to move in roughly the same direction. (The upside of this was that it was the only time all day that both of us were warm.) Eventually, an opening happened, and we started to slowly “flow” into the Silver area, but we’d have been fine if we’d had to stay where we were: from there, at least, we could see the Capitol, and hear the PA.

We reached security soon enough. I assumed a full patdown was about to happen — I hadn’t even brought a pocketknife — but the crowds were such that they were just more or less waving people through to try to prevent a stampede, I guess. They never even checked our ticket, and by 10:30 we were standing at a fence separating us from 3rd street. A few minutes later we realized we could easily get much closer, and that’s when we relocated to our ultimate spot only a couple dozen yards back from the Capitol’s reflecting pool.

Looking back across the Mall, all the way back to the Washington Monument, there was an uninterrupted sea of people. Later, they said 2 million, but the Park Service — who control and maintain the Mall — no longer does official projections, so we’ll probably never know how many folks really were there. (It’s a fair bet that more will claim to have been there than actually were, too.) Where we were, we once again encountered the bizarre “friendly crowd” vibe so totally unusual for anyone used to big crowds — and when I say “big crowds,” I mean 50,000 or 100,000 at a major sporting event, not twenty times that for an event of global sociopolitical importance. No shoving. “Here, you dropped your glove.” “Need another handwarmer? I have extras.” “Let me take y’all’s picture.” And smiles, smiles, smiles. I got goosebumps as we stood, watching the former presidents — Carter, George H. W. Bush, Clinton, and the incumbent — file in, and we all laughed and smiled some more when the cameras caught Obama’s daughters fidgeting and taking pictures of their own. Soon their dad stood, hand on the Lincoln bible, and took the Oath 42 other men took before him. (Quick quiz: why is the 44th president but only the 43rd man to take the oath?)

For your aunt and I, and for your parents, this election was more about getting our country back than anything else. Bush’s ruinous policies were hostile to growth, hostile to civil liberties, hostile to our national prestige, destructive to our alliances, and hateful to the principles on which our country was founded. Obama came from seemingly out of the blue in 2004 with a convention speech about fixing all that, and emerged quickly as a truly inspiring frontrunner even in the Democratic primaries two years later. The more he spoke, the more specifics of policy he proposed, and the more class he showed as a candidate, the more supporters he gained. He was the anti-Bush, but also a candidate of vision unlike any we’ve had in a generation or more. Clinton won twice, but he won by being better at the political game than the hangdog Republicans he ran against, and he was aided in both his elections by a freakshow third-party candidate that sapped support from the Right. Obama just plain WON, and in a way that reminded more than a few folks of RFK’s aborted campaign 40 years ago.

So there’s that, and this was emotional and incredible and hopeful, and it was this change that inspired many people, like me, to give money to a candidate for the first time, and to volunteer more time and effort than they’d ever given before. This was a huge opportunity, and one none of us wanted to blow.

But there was something else happening here, too, and it’s the thing I alluded to at the beginning of this letter. Barack Obama is an African-american. He may not be descended from American slaves, like his wife and children, but to the rednecks of our ancestral home that doesn’t matter, and by the time you’re old enough to read this you’ll know well the hateful terms those sorts of people would use for a man who looks like Obama. Bigots notwithstanding, America’s promise as laid forth in our Declaration of Independence does not stutter, and it does not equivocate: We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

This has been a promise unkept for most of country’s history. For the first hundred years, we kept our collective fingers crossed, and whispered “um, except slaves,” and called it ok. For the next hundred, we said everyone was free, but instituted a shameful system of separation and substandard services for black Americans, a situation only partly remedied by the 60s and the civil rights era. People fought and died to make the Declaration true at Concord, yes, but also at Gettysburg, and also in quiet and not so quiet ways in Mississippi and Alabama in the 1960s. Evil men murdered peaceful idealists only a few years before I was born, and it took the intervention of the National Guard to integrate schools and ensure the Voting Rights Act wasn’t a sick joke. I grew up hearing “good” men, friends of your grandfather, tell racist jokes well into the 1970s. I have friends from college, born after the moon shot, who nevertheless have the memory of being called “nigger” to their face. It’s not dead, not yet anyway.

This is also all history for you. This also part of the litany of names and dates and places some terribly boring teacher has tried to cram into your head at some point. But let me tell you: no matter how amazing and moved and happy Erin and I were to watch Barack Obama take that oath last Tuesday at what your dad and I called “the end of an Error,” our happiness cannot compare to the collective joy of the African-Americans in that Inaugural crowd. An older black couple, about your Grandmother Green’s age, stood near us. If I’m right about their ages, the were born in the war, and remember Selma and lunch counters and colored-only water fountains and the absurdity of great jazz musicians playing in clubs where they couldn’t get served. But on Tuesday, the 20th of January, 2009, they watched as American moved from Jim Crow to Barack Obama in a single lifetime, a transition that a makes your great-great grandmother Anise’s stores of moving from horseback to 747 seem like a hop over a puddle.

This is why so many people went to Washington. The hope and the change and the promise after eight years of Bush, yes, but behind that a groundswell of amazement and pride and happiness about the way we were getting the change we needed. In 1938, Langston Hughes wrote “America never was America to me, And yet I swear this oath — America will be!” In 2009, we got a lot closer to being what Hughes was talking about, to being who we said we’d be in 1776. We aren’t there yet. We’ll probably never get there; the ideals Jefferson set out are almost impossible, and assume our better Angels will always hold sway, but they are who we say we want to be. America is an aspirational state. But it’s that American optimism that makes me believe that by the time you’re old enough to read this, we’ll be even closer to that ideal than we are now, in January of 2009.

Love,

Uncle Chet

CC: Caroline, Natalie, and a nephew to be named later

Yet another reason why being a kid today is better

Compared to the games of today available for kids, Candyland and its ilk sucked balls.

The problem is true interactivity and the influence of chance. Games children play today — especially electronic or video games — tend to reward decision-making and paying attention and decoding the environment of the game. Games like Candyland are 100% games of chance, with no hope of mastery and no reward for paying attention or experimenting.

Super Mario Brothers is a vastly more interesting task, cognitively speaking, than drawing cards and rolling dice.

Grrrr

I don’t mind being on hold. I don’t even mind hold music. What drives me bats is having a recording pop in every 30 or 60 seconds to tell me I’m still on hold. Music’s easy to tune out, so you can get work done while you’re waiting; the recording is interruptive enough to shake you out of whatever task you’re doing while on hold, more or less ensuring that you can do nothing other than sit on hold.

Assholes.

Quickie Inaugural Post #2

After the actual swearing-in ceremony, we left the Mall area for distant Red Line points in search of warmth and food. En route to the bar, we discovered the reason for the occasionally empty bleachers we later saw on the bar TV: DC crowd management was pretty broken, and apparently had last minute changes not documented in any of the publicly available info source.

Consequently, it would not surprise us to learn that some of those bleachers had become inaccessible islands, with their ticket-holders trapped elsewhere with no way to reach their seats. We have several friends who couldn’t get in (we did, though) despite having tickets owing to the enormous crowds and perhaps questionable crowd-routing choices. Granted, there’s not a lot of precedent for 1-2MM extra people in a town this size, but it was still frustrating.

Stupid Weather Tricks

We’re perfect happy for this guy to do these FOR us so that we can watch from the safety and warmth of Houston, but we’re still glad someone’s doing silly things in absurdly low temperature weather (in this case, -14).

Cary, one more time

The Chronicle’s list of stars who died in 2008 is made of national or international luminaries like George Carlin, William Buckley, Bo Diddley, and David Foster Wallace — and also our friend and local artist Cary Winscott, who died in September after a battle with cancer.

I’ve complained about the Chron’s theater coverage a whole lot over the years, but this is a really fine gesture that I know Cary’s friends appreciate deeply.

Update: The Houston Press does one better. Here Cary makes their top 5 biggest Houston losses, a list that puts him in the same room with Michael DeBakey.

Cary Winscott. Not a big name, to be sure, but a big part of the antic and edgy goings-on at Infernal Bridegroom Productions (Notable death, 2007). He was only 38, and his death hit hard in the alt-theater community.

We miss you, man.

Tagged.

I’ve never bothered with one of these things before, but there’s a first time for everything. Also, I’m watching my Windows Server VM update itself so I can do some testing, and that drastically limits what I can do besides “write text” for the moment.

So, seven random things about Chief Heathen, which turns out to be harder to make interesting if you’ve got eight years of blog posts illuminating most of your life.

  1. I wish I could sing. It turns out I have excellent pitch, but (apparently) neither the disposition to gain technical mastery of an instrument nor vocal cords that will do anything other than my normal speaking voice. It’s annoying.

  2. I hate old movies. Not all of them, just most of them. Generally speaking, if it was made before 1965, I probably have little interest in watching it. I’m not sure why this is — certainly the vocabulary of film became drastically more subtle and interesting in the auteur era of the 70s, and certainly too films made since I was born have more to offer me in terms of cultural resonance, but other than that kind of generality I can’t really explain my distaste for old movies. Obviously, there are exceptions for giants of the film canon, but for popular movies it’s a pretty hard and fast line.

  3. My most recent passport — sadly now expired — was issued in a city and country that no longer exist. On a student tour of the Soviet Union in 1991, we all got royally hammered more or less at every opportunity, and certainly before every Aeroflot ride. Between Moscow and Tbilisi, my passport must’ve slid out of my jacket as I napped (or was taken by a nefarious thief; it doesn’t really matter). This generated some great consternation for the tour leader (my Russian prof), but imposed no actual inconvenience aside from an early-morning trip to a photomat in Kiev for a replacement pic (where our Intourist guide forced the shopkeeper to take me immediately, and to hell with the 40 or so Ukrainians waiting in line). The actual passport wasn’t put together until our last city, where there was a U.S. consulate, and where I delighted myself by stepping back and forth across the threshold (“I’m in the US! I’m in the USSR! I’m in the US!” etc). Consequently, said passport — containing what must be the least flattering photo of me ever taken, and that’s saying something — is stamped “Issued by United States Consulate, Leningrad, U.S.S.R.”

  4. I’m shocked I’ve stayed in Houston 14 years. When I moved here in 1994, it was a lark — the idea was hatched in a drunken party weekend, and executed less than a month later. I assumed I’d live here for a bit, and then branch out. Except cool things kept happening, and I eventually bought a house, and my career turned into a travel-heavy thing (thereby rewarding me for living in mid-country), and I got involved in local nonprofits, and built a great network of friends, and here I am still. I still don’t think I’ll be here forever, but we sure do have good friends here. I just hate the summers.

  5. I’m coming to grips with my 20 years of science-fiction-fan apostasy, and have actually begun delving into the pool a bit more. I read piles and piles as a teen, but was pretty much done with it by late high school. Real books — and I still think of them as such — were more rewarding to me. In my thirties, flying as much as I do and in need of more reading material, I started sampling again, first with the Dresden novels and then with Scalzi’s work, but also with bigger bits at a friend’s suggestion. It’ll never be what I read by default again — too much of it is utter crap, poorly imagined and badly written, and in willful violation of this law — but it’s fun to include as part of my literary diet.

  6. I never really planned this technology career, so I still don’t really know where it’s going. There’s a lot to unpack there, but I mostly decided against going to grad school in creative writing because I didn’t want to be poor, and I liked hacking with computers as much as I liked writing. But I didn’t really give it much more thought than that. I sort of thought I’d keep writing, and while in some ways (e.g., here) I have, I really pretty much retired from fiction and poetry a long time ago. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. It’s also pretty obvious my nonprofit arts activities are attempts to scratch this particular itch by being close to art being done instead of really making any of my own, and (like most such replacements) that’s unlikely to be satisfying in the long haul.

  7. It will surprise no one for me to say that I’m a deeply cynical bastard; I trust people in general to be dumb as posts and venal besides, and to act stupidly in their own interests, or based on superficial lies. This cynicism extends to an utter disgust ar the willful and ham-handed emotional manipulation that is part and parcel of so much of pop culture, and said culture’s inability to separate sentiment from sentimentality. So it may actually surprise people to learn that “It’s a Wonderful Life” completely has my number, and that Sam Wainwright’s telegram makes me tear up every single year: MR GOWER CABLED YOU NEED CASH STOP MY OFFICE INSTRUCTED TO ADVANCE YOU UP TO TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS STOP HEE HAW AND MERRY CHRISTMAS SAM WAINWRIGHT

Seven people? You must be joking. Virtually none of my people blog. But I’ll try: Dorman, Christina, Patrick, JoAnn, Chris and Cathy, Noel, and Erin, for whom this is a surprise soft-launch. (Sorry, honey; your idea is too good not to push.)

Happies

Please join the Heathen faithful in congratulating longtime Heathens Ear O’Corn and Lady McHorne on their anniversary today.

eric-lindsey.jpg

Good News/Bad News

The good news is that a local TV repair shop was interested in hauling off the 55″ Mitsubishi for free, presumably for parts or even cheap-rehab for second-hand sale.

The bad news is that i had to help the little Chinese dude get the monster down the stairs, and it’s too early for beer yet.

Actually, I’m pretty sure that figure’s low

From the Onion: Study: 38 Percent Of People Not Actually Entitled To Their Opinion.

CHICAGO—In a surprising refutation of the conventional wisdom on opinion entitlement, a study conducted by the University of Chicago’s School for Behavioral Science concluded that more than one-third of the U.S. population is neither entitled nor qualified to have opinions.

“On topics from evolution to the environment to gay marriage to immigration reform, we found that many of the opinions expressed were so off-base and ill-informed that they actually hurt society by being voiced,” said chief researcher Professor Mark Fultz, who based the findings on hundreds of telephone, office, and dinner-party conversations compiled over a three-year period. “While people have long asserted that it takes all kinds, our research shows that American society currently has a drastic oversupply of the kinds who don’t have any good or worthwhile thoughts whatsoever. We could actually do just fine without them.”

In 2002, Fultz’s team shook the academic world by conclusively proving the existence of both bad ideas during brainstorming and dumb questions during question-and-answer sessions.

Social Networking Weirdness

Facebook thinks I should be friends with lots of people I don’t know, mostly because of shared friends. If five folks I know also know John Doe, it stands to reason I might know him, too. You get false positives with this approach, but that’s ok, because you also end up with renewed connections to people you haven’t seen or spoken to in years.

What’s weird is when you get strange friend intersections. Right now, there’s someone on my “you may know…” list that I do not know, but with whom I share three completely unrelated friends, at least from my perspective.

The first shared friends is someone I know from The Well, an online community I’ve been a member of for a decade or more.

The second is from my high school in Mississippi.

The third is a playwrite my wife and I hosted in Houston when she was working on a piece for a local group we volunteered with.

Bizarre.

You’ll forgive us if we’re a bit overwhelmed.

I’m not feeling particularly moved by the Heathen spirit, for reasons that should be obvious. It’s been a shitty fucking week. Even so, here are a few things I might’ve gone on longer about given the absence of Ike, or the continued presence of Cary:

Dear Intarwub

Please get one of these for LawyerHeathen. Last week was his birthday; it’s the least you can do. kthxbi.

More from Frank:

What you see in the picture is actually already on the market – the box with the graph is a pump just like mine, above that is the continuous blood glucose moniter transmitter that talks to the pump. What will make that combination an artificial pancreas is the algorithm that will do all the predicting and deciding. I was on a national JDRF conference call a few months back to discuss that very topic. The current algorithm is getting very, VERY close to actually predicting future blood sugars down to the mg/dl. It is scary good, but not good enough, yet. More testing is required and that takes millions and millions of dollars. Truly dollars well spent, though. The JDRF working hard to get this to market and to get it covered by insurance companies so people can get one.

This is an excellent reason to give money to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. We do. So should you.

How We Are Being Screwed

Fred Clark explains the FICO scam for us:

Here’s how the scam works. You’ve got a $10,000 limit on a credit card and you’re carrying $2,500 due to a recent dental procedure. The lender, in the name of reducing risk, abruptly reduces the limit on your card to $4,000, announcing this change on page seven of the nano-type in a booklet mailed with your next monthly bill. Now instead of a 25-percent utilization rate, you’ve got a 63-percent utilization rate (they round up, when convenient), lowering your credit score.

That lower credit score means you no longer “qualify” for your previous rate of 9.9 percent and will now be paying 19.1 percent. Oh, and there’s a one-time fee of $35 dollars, conveniently added to your existing balance, for exceeding 50 percent of your available limit.

Unfortunately for you, these changes in your balance and rate became effective at 9 a.m. on the 15th of the month. Your electronic payment, dutifully set for the previous minimum payment, is credited to your account at 1 p.m. on the 15th. That minimum payment was based on the earlier interest rate, so it’s no longer adequate to cover your newer, higher minimum payment. A $35 late fee is therefore added to your balance and this delinquency is reported to the triumvirate, contributing to the further reduction of your credit scores. Second verse, same as the first.

The entire affair is designed to perpetuate both “bad” credit and high debt. Banks are not your friends. Frankly, no corporation is your friend. Behave accordingly.

Perhaps the coolest watch story I know

(I think I’d blogged this long ago, but apparently not; its recent resurfacing at MeFi reminds me to do it now.)

During World War II, Rolex extended a fairly amazing offer: British officers detained in German camps could order timepieces on credit, so Clive Nutting ordered one in March of 1943. Nutting was at Stalag Luft III, Sagan, Germany, which is now part of Poland, and — more importantly — was one of the organizers of the Great Escape. Owing to a backlog of orders by other British officers also in German hands, Rolex was unable to fill the order until June, but they acknowledged the order with a letter dated 30 March stating “This watch costs to-day in Switzerland FRs. 250,– but you must not even think of settlement during the war.”

In other words, don’t pay us ’til you get home. How cool is that? (Also, consider a world where POWs could get mail, order watches, etc.)

Nutting got the watch that summer, along with an invoice with a zero balance, and almost certainly used it for timing purposes as they planned the escape. Nutting kept the watch until his death, n 2001, at 90.

Scans of the correspondence with Rolex as well as pictures of the (restored) watch are available at TimeZone, long the best watchgeek site online.

Randy Pausch died.

Really, I got nothing here. Metafilter has many links.

Actually, I do have something: Jesse goddamn Helms lives to be a wrinkled old racist prune, spreading misery and bigotry from his deathbed, and this guy, this shining example of what a teacher — or just a human — can be checks out at 47. That’s fucking raw.

Dept. of Excellent Customer Service

Back when Mrs Heathen and I tied the knot, we had the mandatory Williams-Sonoma registry. We got lots of lovely gifts, and some dupes, so after gift orgy subsided we took our excess bounty to the local shop to reconfigure. After we got everything we definitely wanted, we had some excess, so we did something nobody ever thinks they’ll do: we spent a bunch of money on a very attractive stainless-steel garbage can that, even worse, takes proprietary bags.

I don’t want to hurt any feelings, but this thing may be our best and most useful wedding gift, and anybody who gave us something from Wm-S can lay claim to a portion of our ongoing thanks. Bachelor that I was, I refused to spend money on something I was only going to put garbage in, so I had a nasty white plastic can from Target. It was white, and seemed to attract stains. The new one made a huge difference in the style of the kitchen, and definitely signaled some grown-up-ness. Plus, its wonderful lid is so adept at sealing in trash odor that it’s no longer obvious what we had for dinner. It’s amazing, really, and means that you needn’t waste bag capacity by immediately emptying the garbage just because you threw away fish heads, for example.

So we like it.

Anyway, it came from Wms-S, but it’s made by SimpleHuman. A couple weeks ago, it broke. Not horribly, but enough to be annoying. The lid is a tap-to-spring open kind of affair, and the mechanism to make it spring open stopped working. The seal’s still good, but you have to open it manually, which means more gross things tend to end up on the lid. Mrs Heathen called to inquire about repair, and something wonderful happened.

First, she got a real human in about 45 seconds.

Second, the real human interrupted her story to find out our mailing address. “Why?” “So we can send you your new lid.” “Don’t you need a receipt or store or a credit card number or something?” “Oh, no. You should get your replacement in a couple weeks.”

Excellent.

“Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits.”

Frankly, it hurts my feelings that the last president George Carlin saw was this goatfucking puritan in the pocket of the sort of right-wing moralist dirtbags that he’s spent his career lampooning.

John Scalzi, as always, has more. Mr Bosch is poetic as usual. I still remember borrowing “A Place For My Stuff” on cassette from my friend Jeff in about 1982, sneaking it home in my backpack, and listening to it in my room on headphones. Carlin’s delivery and word choice (blue or not) was a revelation, and no doubt still influences what I find funny. We are poorer without him, and with him we lose the last of the three giants of standup: Bruce, Pryor, and Carlin.

Here’s a live performance of Stuff from 1986, and no online encomium (however brief) would be complete without this late version of 7 Words, or this.

Joys of Homeownership

Mrs Heathen and I have spent the last several months addressing our failures as homeowners, i.e., our sudden realization that we were Those People who have a jungle for a backyard, a persistent A/C drip, unwelcome growth in the gutters, etc. As it turns out, “every 8 years” is probably not a good interval for home maintenance. In any case, think on this before you buy.

Today marks the end of Phase I, which included:

  • Backyard clearing; this was complicated by a period of benign neglect as well as the discovery, during clearing, of previously unknown precolumbian tribes living in the underbrush. Unspoiled and noble, they’re now being studied by some anthropologists at HCC while I, of course, took their land. Hey, I bought it fair and square. Cost: $400, which is still less than paying someone $25 a week to mow it.

  • Despite my best efforts with bleach and a snake, convincing the backup A/C condensation line to stop dripping on the side of the HQ required the attentions of a professional. In his visit, though, he inspected the balance of the cooling system and pronounced it ship-shape. Drip resolved. Cost: $130, or a solid bargain in my eyes — A/C guys won’t come in the house for less than a C-note.

  • Gutter-cleaning. This sounds trivial, but as Heathen Central is nearly 4 stories tall at that point, there’s no way in hell Chief Heathen’s going up there. Cost: $280. They also put an extension on the aforementioned backup condensation line, though, so that future drips won’t hit the side of the house on the way down.

  • General roof-inspection. When the Neighbor had his gutters done, he discovered some fastener issues. Said issues extended to Heathen HQ’s roof, but have been similarly resolved. Included in the gutter-cleaning.

  • Replacement of plants in the back 40. The reclaimed backyard is all in Dirt now, which isn’t so great for lounging. Phase 0.0001 has begun with YOURS TRULY actually digging holes and planting shit under the pecan (specifically: a ginger variant (2); foxtail fern (2); groundcovery thing (1); orchidy thing (1)). More to come, after Mrs Heathen and I decide on a plan. Cost so far: < $100.

Now, where’s our goddamn tax credit?

Tivo Woes

Heathen Central has, very nearly, the best DVR and TV option available today.

Strong words? Yes, yes they are. Even stronger when you realize I’m talking about a standard-definition DirecTV setup with a Series 1 Tivo, but there it is. The briefly available DirecTV HD with Tivo is probably better, but that’s about it (except for our upgrade; see below).

What we have is a Sony SAT-T60, which is a combo box containing both a Tivo and a DirecTV receiver. It preserves the digital soundtracks on HBO programming even on recording, since it just saves the stream as it comes in from the satellite and has to do no compression/uncompression for the save-to-disk task (i.e., like normal Tivos do). As a combo box, there’s no wrangling to make the DVR work with the TV receiver. And, since it’s a real Tivo and not some retarded cousin stuffed into the market by creepy TV providers and acceptable only to be people that have never seen a real Tivo, it Just Plain Works.

And I’ve had it since, oh, 2001. We thought a time or two about upgrading the drive for more space (it’s a 35 hour unit), but never did anything about it.

Well, as of yesterday, it looks like the digital audio output stage has gone the way of all flesh. I can still get stereo via a conventional pair of RCA cables, but the optical output is dead. (The cable and receiver input check out fine; it’s definitely the Tivo.) This makes me sad, since DirecTV got into a pissing match with Tivo some time ago and no longer sells real Tivos (see above about brain-dead boxes made by creepy TV providers; DirecTV is better than a cable company, but only just).

On the tech support call to finalize the diagnosis, they made a valiant effort to sell me a DirecTV DVR — I say sell; it’d be free, since I pay a maintenance fee — but I’m having none of it. I’ve seen the bullshit they think of as a DVR, and it has no place in my house. Nobody has new DirecTV-Tivos, really, and the Tivo standalone units work best with cable companies (FUCK that). (The only alternative for me is a MythTV box — if my DVR can’t be a nice, easy to use Tivo, then it may as well actually work for ME and not the cable company.)

Fortunately, there’s WeaKnees.com, who sell factory refurbished units, both conventional and HD. For a few hundred bucks, we can upgrade to a newer Tivo (series 2 instead of series 1) with a bigger HD (70 or 140 hours instead of 35); the device will be essentially a drop-in replacement, which is nice.

Maybe I should buy two. Just in case.

Big Bird Is a Constant

From the Mississippi office, this profile of Caroll Spinney, the 74-year-old who’s been the man inside the Big Bird costume for nearly 40 years.

NEW YORK – On the street, Caroll Spinney is a 74-year-old of modest proportions. On the job, transformed into Big Bird, he stands 8 feet 2 inches tall and is 6 years old.

Being Big Bird is sweaty, physical work. But Spinney, who has worked on Sesame Street for nearly four decades playing both Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch, has no wish to be anywhere else.

“I can’t imagine willingly walking away from Big Bird and Oscar,” he said.

Death of the Wild

The backyard has been reclaimed. We thought we might find a lost civilization back there, or at least George Lucas’ long-gone sense of shame, but it turns out it’s just dirt.

New plants are the next step.

Dept. of GAAAH

Leave it to the Germans to create a giant waterslide with a 360 degree loop that begins with a trapdoor chamber. Warning: Speedo alert.

It may or may not be funnier or more interesting if you speak German.

Dept. of Important Parenting Resources

Ask Calvin’s Dad. The accumulated HeathenNieces can expect us to use the dickens out of this. Our favorite:

Q. How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn’t they have color film back then? A. Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It’s just that the world was black and white then. The world didn’t turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too. Q. But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn’t artists have painted it that way? A. Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane. Q. But… But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn’t their paints have been shades of gray back then? A. Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the ’30s. Q. So why didn’t old black and white photos turn color too? A. Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

And:

Q. What causes the wind? A. Trees sneezing.