Ticketholders were essentially turned away at Cowboys Stadium after Jones’ bid to set the attendance record resulted in about 400 unusable seats.

The ticketholders were offered a few options, including SRO seats or the ability to watch the game on “big screen TVs”, along with the possibility of refunds of a multiple of the tickets’ face value — which, of course, ignores the fact that many tickets were bought on the secondary market, and that most attendees spent nontrivial money getting to Dallas, staying in hotels, etc.

Nice one, Jerry!

This is the most awesome video you’ll see today: the Osirian Portal completely OWN these poor boys with sekrit Egyptian hypnosis moves!

Doomsday, you’re on notice. I thought your Dyketron 3000 — the Lesbian Robot from the Future! — couldn’t be topped, but it turns out actual wrestling has become even more hilariously absurd than your show. I eagerly await your response.

Mark Ingram is so awesome that he’s already signed a 7-figure deal with a sports marketing company before he’s even been drafted. I guess a national championship, a Heisman, and no hint of NCAA impropriety will do that for you. Go Mark!

(Just don’t go to the Pats, please. Or Dallas. Christ, please not Dallas.)

They’re not my favorite SEC squad by a damn sight, but Auburn money put food on the table at my house growing up, so they’re not my least favorite, either.

Auburn did the SEC proud tonight, shutting down Oregon’s tempo attack and bagging the conference’s fifth consecutive title, and preserving the SEC’s status as the only league to never lose the title contest; we’re now 7-0 in title game play.

As long as we’re counting, the SEC is also the only conference to send so many teams to the big game (5: Alabama (2010), Auburn (2011), Florida (2009, 2007), LSU (2008, 2004), and Tennessee (1999)). The runner up, by the way, is the Big XII, with 3, only two of whom won (Texas in ’06, Oklahoma in ’01).

See you next year.

I just got this on the only Alabama alum mailing list I’m on (thanks, Hatch). I checked; it’s actually excerpts from a Michigan State sports board thread during the Capital One Bowl. I highlighted a couple favorites.

“Julio takin’ us to schoolio”

“why are they allowing Alabama to play with 35 players on defense?”

“I think their punter is currently drinking around the world in Epcot.” [from the early 3rd quarter]

“If we played 10 times, they would win 15”

“If Cam Newton costs $200,000 for a season, how much is a 2nd half rental?”

“and now [MSU starting QB] Cousins is dead”

“If I was our QB I would hire an attorney and sue them for negligence or intentional infliction of physical and emotional distress.”

“I’m ready to accept MSU boosters paying for an offensive line. If we get caught I can deal with it.”

“This is getting out of hand…an Alabama d-lineman just popped out of my TV and threw me 10 yards behind my couch.”

“Do you think this is how Custer felt?”

“We’re going to have a wing named after us at Orlando Regional Medical Center by the time this game finishes.”

“This is embarrassing. So are we officially a basketball school again?”

“I want to know how many times in the history of organized football that teams have punted on 4th and goal”

“So this is what they mean by team speed”

“if i’m [backup QB] Maxwell, I fake an injury on the way to the huddle” [Maxwell was knocked out of the game three plays later.]

“good lord. Their 4th string running back just ran through our entire defense and all we could do was swing our purses at him.”

Not that it matters, but apparently we’re keeping Kubiak.

Perennial pretender Boise State lost to underdog and clear powerhouse Nevada yesterday, ending the Broncos’ perfect season and relegating them to another halfass bowl.

(For the somewhat rare Football-Heathens expecting commentary on the Iron Bowl today: I have nothing nice to say, and will therefore say nothing at all about the unremitting FAILBOMB that was Alabama’s play after midway through the second quarter. You do have to score after the first period to win, boys, and turnovers don’t help against a team like Auburn.)

(Also, memo to Aggie Nation: I’m not that sure that dancing around to celebrate wins over Baylor and a Longhorn squad that’s notching a losing season put you in the best possible light.)

This post pretty much says it all about the celebrated Auburn QB. In other words, he — and Auburn’s season — are almost certainly toast.

Jones has fired Wade Phillips after yesterday’s delightful Cowboys collapse (this week, it was Green Bay’s turn to whip the gimp).

It’s of course his prerogative, but note the stat box in the linked story. Phillips leaves with a cumulative record of 34-22, or about .607. That’s stronger than any coach since Barry Switzer (’94-’97, .625 record), and matches St Landry’s career numbers. Sure, a 1-7 start and a five-game slide is bad news, but — and I can’t believe I’m defending the Cowboys here — they were losing close games until Romo got hurt; it’s only after then that we see margins bigger than a TD.

Of course, with 38-year-old Kitna in as the de facto first string, it’s gone to hell. And it’s not hard to see why — they didn’t give him any playing time at all in 2009, and he apparently didn’t take a snap this year until Romo went down. That’s called putting all your eggs in one basket, and while it’s still Phillips’ fault, it’s also epidemic. How often does Peyton’s backup see playing time? Or Eli’s? Or Favre’s?

So, sure, my hatred for the Cowboys loves this move. They’ll bag an unspeakably shitty season, stay out of the playoffs again, and do it while burning a metric ton of money. Without Romo and with a temp for a skipper, there’s no way they’ll bag more than 2 or 3 wins before Christmas. (Their next 8 include the Giants (6-2), New Orleans (6-3), Indy (5-3), and Philly (5-3) twice, with only Arizona (3-5), Detroit (2-6) and the Redskins (4-4) tossed in to even it out.)

But me loving it doesn’t make it smart.

The Onion completely nails the Cowboys’ collapse:

IRVING, TX — As the Dallas Cowboys struggle with a 1-6 season, sports fans nationwide have been saddened by the bad fortune that has befallen the franchise long revered as one of the NFL’s crown jewels, and known throughout the football world as America’s Team.

Actually, the U.S. populace immediately confirmed, the Cowboys’ pathetic collapse has brought with it nothing but pure joy and happiness.

“It’s really been tough to watch, especially for a team that had so much potential heading into the season,” Appleton, WI shopkeeper and longtime Packers fan Erik Hoyer said. “Ha! I was almost able to say that with a straight face. Honestly, this Cowboys team has made watching football more fun than it’s been in years. They can’t run the ball, they can’t defend anything, and they’re imploding so bad that their owner doesn’t even know how many games they’ve played.”

“I can’t think of a better team for this to happen to,” he added. “I literally can’t stop smiling.”

Go read the whole thing. It’s delicious.

Alabama 41, Tennessee 10.

Also delicious: Navy 35, Notre Dame 17.

Perhaps even better: Oklahoma lost to Missouri, which means a new number one.

Of Auburn and LSU, I’ll say only that I am not excited about Cam Newton. That guy’s good, and the currently undefeated Auburn team is between Alabama and Atlanta.

So, GOOD for Alabama?

Ohio State looks crappy, and Auburn needed 60+ to put a Mallett-less Arkansas away.

Bad for Alabama, but still awesome? Spurrier’s Cock(s) got stuffed by Kentucky in a match that included some game management tricks right out of Les Miles’ playbook. Bama would be bolstered by SC continuing to win, but at the end of the day we just can’t support supporting South Carolina. Go Wildcats!

Next up: the postgame from the Alabama homecoming game.

Other Note: Today’s best game was probably the “Houston Bowl,” a back-and-forth affair between Rice and UH that Rice eventually won by the skin of its teeth. Heathen HQ are collectively stupid for not attending this one; by all accounts, it was some fine football.

Tomorrow’s story is already posted in re: the absolute skullfucking Alabama gave #7 Florida tonight:

Alabama does not want any thoughtful dialogue on the national championship race. The Crimson Tide has played poorly on the road and won. It has played with a rebuilt defense and won. It has played without its Heisman Trophy winner and won.

For those watching top-ranked Alabama, it is becoming harder not to end the discussion on half of the national championship matchup, fast-forward to January and put the Crimson Tide in the Bowl Championship Series title game against any of a half-dozen challengers who would all look like underdogs.

A bit later, we come across a fun stat:

Alabama safety Mark Barron, linebacker Courtney Upshaw and defensive lineman Marcell Dareus were particularly hard to handle for the Gators, who gained only 79 yards rushing and were held without a touchdown for the first time since Oct. 1, 2005.

Widely noted by now, of course, is that Alabama QB Greg McElroy has not lost a game in which he started since he was in middle school. That’s a nice run.

Roll. Tide. Roll.

The Tide got it done yesterday to stay perfect, but it was way too close for my taste — though a win is a win. I’ve got nothing but respect for Ryan Mallett now, and hope very very much that the Arkansas QB elects to go pro early; that guy is crazy good, but I expect that the Hogs will go back to being a fair-to-middlin’ SEC squad without him.

Update: Polls are just plain weird. Alabama garners more first-place votes as a result of the quality road win yesterday, but Arkansas — the former #10 team who played 4 quarters of solid football only to lose a squeaker against the number one team in the country — drops to #15. That’s just bizarre. Shouldn’t you EXPECT #10 to lose to #1?

I’m gonna put you in that Auburn store!.

The would-be high-flying Houston Cougars have now lost both Case Keenum AND his backup for the season.

Ouch.

For that, I apologize, but it’s impossible to pass up the gems week 3 has brought:

• The triumphant return of Mark Ingram today. Granted, it’s Duke, but prior, pre-Saban teams have sometimes struggled against this grade of opponent. It’s a question of consistency and being able to deliver, so seeing numbers like the Tide racked up today make me feel good about the stretch of in-conference foes lining up next (at Arkansas, Florida at home, and at Spurrier’s Gamecocks before Mississippi at home).

• MO TIDE: It’d be hard to be happier about the Penn State situation, and how deep the Alabama team apparently is. With two top players out, they still got it done. In addition to a big win over a storied program, we got press out the wazoo from Lion faithful about what a nice time they all had. Try that at Rockytop. Or Baton Rouge.

• Ole Miss just keeps sucking, and that makes my heart glow. I really thought Coach Nutt was better than this, though. A non-IA team and letting Vandy win by two TDs at home? Fantastic. It’s like Notre Dame all over again!

• Speaking of which: the Irish dropped another one, this time to Michigan State.

• Add to this the collapse of Tennessee today, and I’m a happy, happy man.

16,000 Diamondback Fan Killed On Complimentary Rattlesnake Night.

I’m no fan of USC, but the fact that he had to do this is ridiculous.

I don’t know what the answer is to the college star problem, and I’m generally in favor of institutions being held to a reasonable set of rules with respect to amateur status and whatnot as long as that’s the fiction we’re going to insist on in college sports. USC didn’t police its team well enough, and they’re paying the price. I’m fine with that.

I just don’t think it’s a good idea to penalize Bush personally for taking the opportunities he did. Will we pretend that there was no Heisman winner that year? Or that Vince Young was the winner? It looks like a temper tantrum by the club to me, a desire to try to hurt him now that he’s beyond the reach of any NCAA sanctions. That looks cheesy to me, and (in my view) makes the Downtown Athletic Club look worse than Bush.

Frankly, it astonishes me that so many are calling for even stricter rules, like lifetime NFL bans for people who do what Bush did. My guess is that, to a man, every person suggesting that kind of draconian sanction grew up with a shitload better financial situation than Bush. He was a standout, award-winning player, and was by popular consensus the best college player around in 2005. Even without the booster’s gifts, he’d have probably played at USC (he’s from San Diego). Did he use his status to benefit his family? It appears so. Did that meaningfully affect his school choice or performance? I doubt it.

College football isn’t amateur in any meaningful sense, not at the top-25 level, anyway. Colleges make millions on the backs of guys like Bush. I say leave him alone. Hounding him to give back this award and remove himself from the Heisman fraternity (a step they’ve not bothered to request of, say, O. J. Simpson) is just shitty.

This column by a Penn State fan who came down for the game says some awful nice things about Tuscaloosa and Tide fans.

“They low down, they dirty, they some snitches…”

As a consequence of a staph outbreak, the Tennessee football team is getting lessons in bathing.

But this list of the 50 worst ideas in sports history is pretty good, especially, including the DH, penalty kicks, Caddyshack II, Boise State’s blue field, sudden death OT, dog fighting, charging the mound against Nolan Ryan, and the BCS, about which they say:

Here’s a good rule of thumb for “how do I know if I’ve got a bad idea”:

If — in this highly politicized world in which professional politicians guard every word they say, intent upon offending no one — the President of the United States is willing to go on national television and say that your system is bad and you need a playoff system, well, you may have a bad idea.

Over at ESPN, Pat Forde brings the funny. Long, but worth it for the digression. (Good catch, Mr Acosta!)

13 Beers in 13 Miles beggars belief, although he does claim to finish.

Of course, his time suggests a 23 minute mile, or about as fast as my grandmother.

LSU standout (insanely, track-star fast) wide-receiver and sixth-round pick Trindon Holliday is out for the season with a broken thumb.

It should not escape notice that Holliday is out for the season before the season has actually started.

Go Houston Sports Team! Go! Choke! Fail!

I’m so friggin’ proud I can hardly stand it:

During the Argentina-Mexico match, the refs blew a call on one of Argentina’s goals; the man was offside, which should’ve invalidated the goal — but the officials missed it, and awarded the goal.

However, the cameras in the stadium DID see the action correctly, and the in-stadium replay made the ref’s error obvious to everyone there (in addition to everyone at home).

FIFA’s response? No more in-stadium replays.

Let’s be clear: instead of striving for actual truth and accuracy, their response to this is not that the ref should have better tools to determine correct calls at the highest level of the game; the response is to try to prevent the truth from being known immediately by those in the stadium.

Seriously, fuck them. How can an organization supposedly devoted to fair play care so little for truth?

A German octopus has been making startlingly accurate World Cup predictions.

Game, set, and match to John Isner, who managed to convert only his fifth break point of the set to win:

Final ace count: Mahut 103, Isner 112. There are more stats at the Wimbledon site, but I’ll also point out that Mahut actually won more points (502 to Isner’s 478). A “regular” match will usually play no more than 300 total points, but there were about twice that many in the final set of this match.

Isner’s last ace was a 135MPH rocket that helped him dig out of trouble when he was down Love – 30 in what turned out to be Mahut’s last opportunity to win.

Last night, a TennisChannel blogger posted something worth reading:

And then, at 59-59, the match was suspended for lack of light.

As much as delayed gratification is about my least favorite thing in life, I’m ultimately relieved. For a few hours anyway, there are no losers. And you can say there are no losers in this match, and you’d be 100% right, but tell that to the guy who doesn’t walk off with the W.

John, you were exhausted, each groundstroke accompanied not by a grunt but by a full-body heave, but you kept going.

Nicolas, 55. That’s the number of times you had to walk up to the line and serve to stay in this match. And 55 is the number of times you held. God bless Andy Roddick and his 16-14 fifth set last year, but you sir are a stud.

So while one of you will get the W tomorrow (presumably, this match may never end), this right here is how I’ll remember it. Suspended, and suspended in time. Two boxers going at it, giving the world something to talk about and be inspired by.

So thank you. For not only making tennis history, and getting people talking about tennis who otherwise wouldn’t be, and entertaining us all with your strength of will and strength of legs. For not just breaking records and making Pam Shriver misty and leaving Federer, Djokovic, Venus et al at a lack of words to describe your awesomeness. For not just creating this communal experience for everyone. But for showing me all over again why two random guys on Court 18 can create something truly beautiful.

Screw FIFA. This is beauty.

The longest match in tennis history has just suspended play for the second day due to darkness. No, this is not cricket. The Wikipedia article notes that the date of this tennis match is “22-24 June 2010.”

France’s Nicolas Mahut and American John Isner started their first round match yesterday, and played nearly three hours before calling it a day with two sets apiece. Today, as they walk off for the night, the match stands at ten hours, with the score:

As it stands now, Mahut has 94 aces, and Isner 98. Not only is it now the longest match in tennis history; its final set alone would qualify. And it’s not over.

I wonder if Isner will tweet something tonight?

Because of this game in 1982:

Although the teams were regarded as rivals (Austria beat West Germany 3–2 in a remarkable game in the previous 1978 World Cup), the game is widely seen as being fixed, with both sides having an unspoken agreement to play for a 1–0 German win. As a result, FIFA ruled that in the future both final group matches must start at the same time, so as to prevent such an event ever occurring again.

And

After 10 minutes of furious attack, West Germany succeeded in scoring through a goal by Horst Hrubesch. After the goal was scored, the teams appeared to kick the ball around aimlessly for the rest of the match. The team in possession of the ball passed between themselves in their own half until an opposition player came into the vicinity of the ball. The ball was then passed back to the goalkeeper. Isolated long balls were played into the opposition’s half, with little consequence. For the next 80 minutes there were virtually no serious attempts on goal. The only player who seemed to make any effort at livening the game up was Walter Schachner, though he had little success.

This performance was widely deplored by all observers. ARD commentator Eberhard Stanjek at one point refused to comment on the game any longer. Austrian commentator Robert Seeger bemoaned the spectacle and actually requested that the viewers should switch off their television sets.

Likewise, many spectators were not impressed and voiced their disgust with the players. Chants of “Fuera, fuera” (“Out, out”) were screamed by the appalled Spanish crowd, while angry Algerian supporters waved banknotes at the players. The match was criticized even by the German and Austrian fans who had hoped for a hot rematch of the 1978 World Cup match, in which Austria had beaten West Germany; one German fan burned the national flag in protest.

The Algerian football officials were furious and lodged an official protest. FIFA ruled that the result be allowed to stand, but they introduced a revised qualification system at subsequent World Cups in which the final two games in each group were played simultaneously.

Amusingly, some people are super annoyed by this. To me, people whining about it are just not paying attention to the rules. Sure, the rules of a soccer match are one thing, but the rules of a tournament — especially one as important as the World Cup — can produce other incentives for play not strictly speaking in line with the goals of a single match. West Germany and Austria didn’t have to overtly collude to get to this point; they just had to both realize that they could both advance with a given result, and behave accordingly. It’s absurd to insist they should have behaved any other way.

This isn’t the only example of soccer tourney weirdness, either: check out the 1994 Shell Caribbean Cup.

There was an unusual match between Barbados and Grenada.

Grenada went into the match with a superior goal difference, meaning that Barbados needed to win by two goals to progress to the finals. The trouble was caused by two things. First, unlike most group stages in football competitions, the organizers had deemed that all games must have a winner. All games drawn over 90 minutes would go to sudden death extra time. Secondly and most importantly, there was an unusual rule which stated that in the event of a game going to sudden death extra time the goal would count double, meaning that the winner would be awarded a two goal victory.

Barbados was leading 2-0 until the 83rd minute, when Grenada scored, making it 2-1. Approaching the dying moments, the Barbadians realized they had no chance of scoring past Grenada’s mass defense, so they deliberately scored an own goal to tie the game. This would send the game into extra time and give them another half hour to break down the defense. The Grenadians realized what was happening and attempted to score an own goal as well, which would put Barbados back in front by one goal and would eliminate Barbados from the competition.

However, the Barbados players started defending their opposition’s goal to prevent them from doing this, and during the game’s last five minutes, the fans were treated to the incredible sight of Grenada trying to score in either goal. Barbados also defended both ends of the pitch, and held off Grenada for the final five minutes, sending the game into extra time. In extra time, Barbados notched the game-winner, and, according to the rules, was awarded a 4-2 victory, which put them through to the next round.

Again, whining about the players’ actions is absurd. The tournament rules created the incentive, and footballers generally want to win. Q.E.D.

They see no problem with officiation at the World Cup. They don’t care about fair, and are actively opposed to measures that would help reduce human error at the highest levels of the game.

A&M likely to choose SEC.

This SEC fan would like to be the first to welcome our new whipping boys.

At a horribly mismatched softball game in Indianapolis this spring, local (undefeated!) powerhouse Roncalli met Marshall, a team that had literally never played before. They had no equipment, no skills, and only a nominal coach. An inning and a half in, Marshall had walked 9 Roncalli batters.

Then something weird happened. Roncalli offered to forfeit — after not losing a game in 2.5 years — in order to spend the time teaching the Marshall players. And they didn’t stop there. They also raised $2,500 for the opposing program. Reebok’s also noticed (“What do you need? We’ll get it for you.”, and the Cincinnati Reds are donating raw materials for a new field.

Bob Muden can shoot faster than you.

They were SO CLOSE to a record, and then they go and do THIS. Christ.

And take the Texans with you. Stros “improve” to 0 and 8 and remain the only winless team in MLB; they are the team that 1-8 Baltimore looks at and says “Whew! At least we’re not them!”

One more game in St. Louis (12:40 this afternoon) before a 3 game series with the Cubbies (4-4) this weekend. They could come home with a new club record if they stay focused! 0-10 here we come!

I am informed by a client that the Astros behavior could, in many ways, be worse; the Royals gave up 6 runs in the 7th. Quoth Mr Client: “What I’d give for a bullpen with an ERA lower than 10!”.

The ‘Stros have a chance to extend their streak to 8 tonight in St. Louis, but they’ll have to get to 0-10 to exceed the record set by the 1983 team, who went a staggering 0-9.

I know it’s early and all, but remaining the only winless team in baseball is certainly worthy of some attention.

The SEC as Star Wars Characters.

Toronto really knows what to do with its cheerleaders.

The New Orleans Saints just won the Super Bowl. How cool is that?

(As for the Manning drama, read this. I had no idea of the other familial connections between Brees and the Mannings, which makes the whole thing more weird.)

The Onion: Peyton Manning Studying Saints Game Film From 1974:

MIAMI – According to his teammates and coaches, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning has been sequestered in the film room at Sun Life Stadium for the last three days reviewing game tape from the Saints’ 1974 season. “Can’t be too prepared,” a bleary-eyed Manning reportedly told a team manager, adding that if the Saints decide to sign former middle linebacker Joe Federspiel, 60, before the game this Sunday, he’ll know exactly what adjustments to make. “Could you get me that Rams game from November? I need to see how quick [former strong safety] Johnny Fuller got to the quarterback on the blitz. Go now.” Manning later told the Colts defense that they didn’t need to watch any of the game film, as the Saints’ quarterback in 1974 was “absolutely terrible.”

Deadspin thinks it’s a possibility.

It was an ugly, sloppy game on both sides, and NFL overtime rules make the whole thing boil down to a fucking coin toss, but the New Orleans Saints are going to their first Super Bowl EVAR.

CBS Producers Ask Shannon Sharpe To Use At Least 3 Real Words Per Sentence.

Upon hearing the news of Kiffin’s departure, apparently some Tennessee students rioted.