In which we discuss the efficacy and fidelity of various MIDI ringtone translations of popular songs from myt610.net

She Blinded Me With Science
1980s synth-pop makes the leap quite well, which is really no surprise because I’m reasonably certain 21st century phones are better synths than 1980s keyboards.
“Hawaii 5-0” theme
Shockingly good, but probably only because it’s so cheesy.
Dust in the Wind
No. Just no.
“Law & Order” theme
Despite an obvious surplus of free time on someone’s behalf, this one sucked, too.
Frankenstein (Edgar Winter Group)
Oh, yeah.
Get Yer Freak On
Certain persons have made it known that they don’t like the fact that this is the ring my phone emits when they call.
Sweet Home Alabama
Awful. Terrible. Cheeseball central. But it’s staying, if only to attach to Brad.
Relax
See “She Blinded me…”, supra.
Another Brick In The Wall
I’m keeping this if only to use when teachers call me.
Edmund Fitzgerald
Even “Dust in the Wind” was better.
Aqualung
Worse than “Edmund”.

Rick wonders if this should even exist, let alone be publicized

Few saw Houston power-satire duo Lady and the Mant during their brief reign of the Bayou City’s coffee-house-and-pool-hall circuit, but those who did saw something extraordinary, or did until they ran away screaming. At least one is a broken shell of a man, reduced to posting snarky commentary on web sites.

Right.

Anyway, it’s come to our attention that the album is available, should you feel the need.

In which we taunt the afflicted

Over here at Heathen Central, one aspect of modern life that never fails to amuse is the sheer existence of the Lifetime network. I mean, what’s NOT funny about a network so full of “colon” movies? You know the type: <Scary Title> : The <Minor Celeb> Story. Even better are those titles on the “Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear” pattern. You don’t even have to watch these things to know they’re bad; you’ve got all you need in the title (and, perhaps, the highly-tauted presence of Meredith Baxter-Birney).

All this being the case, then, it should come as no surprise that this page seems to us like complete self-parody.

Here’s something we can be proud of. Not.

Remember all the criticism leveled at Clinton because of his lawyerly circumlocutions and overly-technical answers during the Lewinsky depositions? I sure hope the GOP does, because there’s a Pentagon memo from March 2003 that uses just such tortured logic and hyperlegalistic techniques to find a way around the laws prohibiting torture of prisoners. This puts us in the mind of the Daily Show’s Rob Corddry, who said of the Abu Graib pictures

There’s no question what took place in that prison was horrible. But the Arab world has to realize that the US shouldn’t be judged on the actions of a . . . well, we shouldn’t be judged on actions. It’s our principles that matter, our inspiring, abstract notions. Remember: Just because torturing prisoners is something we did, doesn’t mean it’s something we would do. Quoted here

The hits just keep on coming, though. Billmon did a little research into the primary author of this memo, an apparently devout and conservative Christian woman, and contrasts her personal statements of faith and such with the language of the memo. The difference, needless to say, is quite shocking. As a sample, here’s his final pairing:

Walker: “Making moral decisions in the workplace where it is easy to go along and get along takes courage. It takes moral strength and courage to say, ‘I’m not going to do this because I don’t think it’s the right thing to do.’ ” The report: Officials could escape torture convictions by arguing that they were following superior orders, since such orders “may be inferred to be lawful” and are “disobeyed at the peril of the subordinate.” Billmon, supra

Billmon’s not alone, of course; Josh Marshall’s post on the subject points to a Wall Street Journal article (paid registration required) that begins “Bush administration lawyers contended last year that the president wasn’t bound by laws prohibiting torture and that government agents who might torture prisoners at his direction couldn’t be prosecuted by the Justice Department.” Think about that for a minute. Actually, the memo itself includes the real money shot here:

To protect subordinates should they be charged with torture, the memo advised that Mr. Bush issue a “presidential directive or other writing” that could serve as evidence, since authority to set aside the laws is “inherent in the president.”WSJ

Yes, that’s right. This memo asserts that the president’s powers extend to setting aside laws. Their copy of the Constitution must have some additional articles or something, because I don’t recall that being part of the deal. Josh has this to say:

So the right to set aside law is “inherent in the president”. That claim alone should stop everyone in their tracks and prompt a serious consideration of the safety of the American republic under this president. It is the very definition of a constitutional monarchy, let alone a constitutional republic, that the law is superior to the executive, not the other way around. This is the essence of what the rule of law means — a government of laws, not men, and all that. [Emph. added.]

The suggestions that (a) we need to find a way to make torture legal and (b) that the president may do as he pleases are patently counter to everything I know and love about this country. That a government employee working on behalf of you and I, the citizens of this great experiment in government, set about trying to justify these positions absolutely sickens me.

This is who we’re dealing with. This is who wants to run the country for another four years, this time with no worries about re-election. If they’re pushing the Constitution this far now, consider what they might do as lame ducks.

Lest we forget

We woke at Heathen Central today to the news that Reagan’s body had finally given out; it’s a fair bet his family had their goodbyes long ago, since that’s the cruel lot for folks with Alzheimer’s. The news will be awash with coverage all day today — the Times obituary is enormous and, to this non-Reaganite, appropriately even-handed.

The real historical event to remember today, though, is not the passing of an ancient former president (he was 93). Sixty years ago today, Operation Overlord began. The logistical challenges of an invasion of that size were absurd, and the odds poor for the first few to emerge from Higgins boats on the French beaches. Still, it was in every sense what had to be done. In the short list of truly pivotal moments in the 20th century, June 6, 1944 must be near the top.

Ambrose’s definitive book is worth reading, even if you’re sick of Tom Brokow crowing about the Greatest Generation. On a page not updated since 2001, I wrote:

I suppose we all know at least a little about the subject, but Ambrose makes the whole thing real. The scale of the invasion is staggering; more ships, for example, were involved that day than existed in the whole world during Elizabeth I’s reign. Ambrose’s book is part oral history and part analysis, and the mix is almost compulsively readible. Veterans tell their stories through Ambrose, and he pulls no punches. Before Speilberg shocked audiences with the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, Ambrose painted the picture in interviews with those who were there. Ambrose also has a taste for the odd fact. I think my favorite is the story of 3 Koreans captured by American invading troops on D-Day. The German Atlantic Wall was manned largely by conscripts and captured POW’s, most of whom were guarded by actual Germans with orders to shoot if they didn’t fight (once the watchers were out of the picture, however, most of these Poles, Hungarians, Russians, etc., promptly and gleefully surrendered). These poor Koreans had, presumably, been captured by the Chinese in Korea-China skirmishes and subsequently sent to fight the Russians — who of course captured them and send them west to fight the Germans. And, of course, the Germans captured them and sent them to the doomed Atlantic Wall. The really sad part is that they were almost certainly repatriated back to Korea by the U.S., where they ended up fighting again just a few years later. Wow. (9/00)

The next time you’re in New Orleans, take a break from drinking to visit the National D-Day Museum near the French Quarter. It’s astounding.

The Devil You Know

A brief discussion on The Well lead me to consider my favorite devils, Satans, Lucifers, etc. IMDB is your friend.

First, there are the comedy devils:

  • Mel Blanc (various WB cartoons)
  • Trey Parker (South Park, 1997)

Then we’ve got traditional-film-treatments:

  • Lon Chaney, Jr. (Devil’s Messenger, 1961). There’s something inevitable about this.
  • Donald Pleasence (The Greatest Story Ever Told, 1965), 20 years before he chased that slasher over and over.
  • Robert Judd (Crossroads, 1986). Nobody remembers him; Judd died before the film was released, but his Legbah/Scratch was pleasantly over the top. Plus, he threatened Ralph Macchio, so what’s not to like?
  • Viggo Mortensen (Prophecy, 1995, opposite Christopher Walken). It’s probably best not to remind Aragorn of his past work.
  • Gabriel Byrne (End of Days, 1999). Of course, Arnie wins in the film, but we all know that if he can survive the whole of the Chicago mob chasing him as a compulsive gambler and dipsomaniac, one slurring commando wouldn’t have stopped him.

A few are Just Plain Weird:

  • Danny Elfman (Forbidden Zone, 1980). I think we like it better when he just writes movie music.
  • John Ritter (Wholly Moses, 1980). I never saw this, but there’s pretty much no way it’s not freaky.
  • Harvey Keitel (Little Nicky, 2000). You know, Keitel playing the devil ought to be scary.

In this corner, we have the combination category of Remakes-or-Women:

  • Elizabeth Hurley (Bedazzled, 2000). It’s possible Hurley didn’t totally embarrass herself here, but not likely; her 1967 antecedent was Peter Cook.
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt (Devil and Daniel Webster, 2001). This is sort of a sick joke, given Walter Huston’s work in the 1941 original.

And now, the winners:

  • The official Heathen Filmed Satan Champ is, of course, Robert De Niro (Angel Heart, 1987). I’ll never forgive Liz for making me watch the last 15 minutes of that film first.
  • Heathen passes the TV prize to Roddy McDowall (on Fantasy Island, season 4 “The Devil and Mandy Breem.”). Damn you, Roarke!
  • Finally, the “Thank God I’m Legal Now, Let’s Make a Movie!” Porn Devil winner is, of course, Traci Lords (New Wave Hookers, 1985). We’ve never seen this, of course. But we’re sure we’d like it.

If it were a few years ago, we’d assume it had something to do with that Malkovich film

Our attention has been called to a job posting on Craigslist in New York, reproduced here due to its no-doubt fleeting nature.

Discerning businessman is seeking highly skilled puppeteer to provide sophisticated entertainment daily. Somewhat flexible hours, but must be willing to make a full-time commitment. You must possess:
  • Excellent handwork
  • Familiarity with marionette, stick and shadow puppets
  • Ability to adapt to unusual puppets
  • Subtle mastery of character
You can provide your own puppets if you wish, or you can choose from my wide selection of models. Especially seeking individuals in possession of 19th century marionettes or exotic east asian varieties. I have a reasonably sized stage (13′ x 10′) set up in my living room with a wide variety of vintage backdrops for many different stories. Serious inquiries only please. Email your resume with cover letter and photograph of puppets.

We should send Mohney to look into this.

Sure, he’s a bum and a punk, but a bar fighter? Who knew?

Wow! I mean, we figured former Pogues frontman Shane MacGowan was pretty much always too pickled to bother with a bar fight, but maybe not.

Shane MacGowan, former singer with the Irish folk rockers The Pogues, suffered facial injuries in a beating in a central London pub, a British newspaper reported. The Evening Standard said MacGowan, 46, was attacked by two men in the Joiners Arms pub. A spokesman for St. Thomas Hospital said MacGowan was admitted but left before receiving any treatment. A Metropolitan Police spokesman said two men were questioned, released on bail and ordered to return to a police station later this month. IHT

Having seen the aforelinked documentary “If I Should Fall From Grace” — which, if you’re a Pogues fan, you should see, and which you’ll almost regret seeing — we categorically dismiss the possibility that MacGowan said something to set the other blokes off. Why? Years of drink have left him entirely unintelligable when sober, and somewhere close to Brad-Pitt-in-Snatch-land once in his cup.

In which we complain, and then fix it

Last week, my Palm died. Well, not completely; the digitizer won’t recognize any input, but other than that it’s fine — where “fine” means essentially unusable, anyway. I ordered a new Zire 72 from Amazon to replace it.

That’s when I discovered something HORRIBLE.

THEY CHANGED GRAFFITI.

This is NOT okay. I know why they did it — Xerox lawsuit and all that rot
— but goddammit, I’ve been using Graffiti since it was a product you bought to make your original Newton usable, i.e. before the original Palm Pilots hit the market, which puts my initial mastery of the single-stroke alphabet at nearly a decade ago. I do NOT want to take the time to learn new, “more intuitive” penstrokes,
especially when “more intuitive” is code for “slower.”

Fortunately, I’m clearly not the only one in this position; if you, like me, are vexed by this development, do this:

The basic procedure is:

  1. Acquire access to an Original Graffiti (OG?) handheld.
  2. Use a tool like Filez to get access to the unseen ROM files.
  3. Beam Graffiti Library.prc and Graffiti Library_enUS.prc to your new handheld.
  4. Do a soft rest on the new handheld.

Bingo! Back to OG. A hard reset — i.e., back to factory virgin status — will restore the new machine to the new heretical Graffiti, but why would you
want to do that?

Sort of a Sniglets for the Bush administration

Adam Felber lists a few new words coined as a result of this president’s shenanigans. We can’t decide if we like “yellowcake” (a sham or conterfeit. We thought we’d found Hitler’s diary, but it was just yellowcake) or “chalabi” (to dupe an unusually trusting victim. He was so confident about his billiards skills, it was easy to chalabi him.) better.

Wherein we reveal information bound to depress

No, it’s not about politics. Or global warming. Or economic doom. Or the war in Iraq.

No, it’s about the fact that from this list, which we can assume is reasonably cannonical, we learn that Creed have sold more records than The Police, Jimi Hendrix, the Beach Boys, or the Who.

Sigh.

Seriously, though, this chart would be more interesting if there were also columns for sales per year of activity and sales per album released, and then adjust both those for marketing dollars spent.

Brilliant Flash Satire Game

Well, theoretically, it’s a game — in perfect mid-80s console style — but it’s got the longest intro EVAR. Stick it out at least until Hulk Hogan, fat, unemployed He-Man, Mr. T, and R2-D2 team up to stop Bush, Cheney, and Voltron.

No, really. The first level boss is giant, robotic Tom Ridge. He has a duct tape gun. I couldn’t possibly make this up. It’s huge, and between fights the authors have included information on bits like the recession, the “surplus,” economic policy, the estate tax, stem cell research, etc.

Oh, and there’s a Hillary Duff Fingerbang sequence.

Everyone else is on this; why not us?

So, here’s the primer on the whole Washingtonienne (cached copy) dustup, in the event you haven’t been brought up to speed.:

  • There exists, or did, an anonymous blog called Washingtonienne, written apparently by a 24-year-old intern somewhere on the Hill, largely for the amusement of her friends.
  • In said blog, the author was, er, particularly frank about her sex life on said Hill.
  • In true American fashion, she was also frank about the fact that she accepted, er, gratuities for some of these liasons, and that the liasons in question occasionally included persons with rather prominent positions in government, though none were named explicitly (she used initials).
  • Eventually (last week), of course, the blog goes public, linked initially and most (in)famously by the popular DC blog Wonkette (copiously, in fact: here’s a link to an omnibus post there).
  • On the 21st, Wonkette interviewed Washingtonienne by phone, and identified her as Jessica Cutler. A day or so later, they have a much-publicized night on the town from which the picture at right is taken.
  • Around the same time (and mentioned in the interview above), the occupational jig is up; her boss, identified as Sen. Mike DeWine (R-OH), fires her over “inappropriate use of Senate resources.” There’s a euphamism if ever I heard one, but we’re not sure her hoo-hah counts as a “Senate resource.” (Of course, the possibility remains that they were referring to staff computers, but it’s more fun to pretend otherwise.)
  • The press orgy begins in earnest, complete with Post coverage and an interview — also featuring Wonkette — at Fox News, which is predictably SCANDALIZED by her behavior. More likely, they’re just sorry they didn’t think of the idea first.
  • Busy bloggers continue to try to ascertain who here erstwhile companions were, including the aforementioned Wonkette and the improbably named I Love Jenna Bush. This part we suspect will be very fun to watch.
  • Meanwhile, the Washington Post reports that a NY literary agency is interested in talking to Cutler about a tell-all, and a blog called The National Debate quotes rumors suggesting Playboy wants both Cutler and Ana Marie “Wonkette” Cox for a spread, supposedly verified by a postscript to a Post story stating Hefner’s enterprise had called looking for Cutler’s contact information. The NYPost ran a summary of the whole affair, along with their own pix, natch.
  • Update: Wonkette is a property of Gawker Media, and another of their blog properties (NSFW) reports that they saw Cox at the water cooler, and that she, at least, is thus-far unaware of any nude pictorials in her future, which is of course a non-denial denial as far as Cutler herself is concerned.

Say it with me: I love this country.