We’re not sure what he means by the title, but we’re taking it as incontrovertible proof that Crispin Glover is batshit crazy. Or something.

In 1994, it was a cinematic and cultural touchstone, the film of the year if not the decade in many senses.

In 2005, McDonald’s is using it to sell sandwiches.

National Lampoon gives us The Ten Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time. Unaccountably missing: “Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey” and “The Star Wars Christmas Special” (check out this review). It’s my understanding that the latter starts with 10+ minutes of unsubtitled wookie dialog, and later features both Bea Arthur and Diahann Carroll.

We’re sure virtually no one has seen it, since it’s on Bravo, but The Long Way Round chronicles Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman’s motorbike trip around the world, from London to New York going east. It’s only six hour-long episodes (covering a 120-day trip), but it’s brilliant. We’re sure it’ll be on DVD before long, or in reruns on Bravo. Look for it.

This Guardian review of the Kinsey biopic includes commentary on the efforts of conservatives to demonize Kinsey and his research, which continue to this day. Read the whole thing, especially if you’re unfamiliar with the sea change Kinsey’s work helped bring about, but the article’s final graphs are the best:

[T]he religious right still fear and despise Kinsey and all his works. Check out some of the (apparently coordinated) responses to the new movie. “Kinsey’s proper place is with Nazi doctor Josef Mengele,” says Robert Knight of Concerned Women for America, inadvertently showing us what he thinks of the Holocaust. Robert Peters of Morality in Media: “That’s part of Kinsey’s legacy: Aids, abortion, the high divorce rate, pornography.” Focus on the Family’s film critic (they have a film critic?), Tom Neven, calls the movie “rank propaganda for the sexual revolution and the homosexual agenda”. And Judith Reisman, who has waged a decades-long war against Kinsey’s memory, refers to “a legacy of massive venereal disease, broken hearts and broken souls”. These people are of a piece with new Republican congressmen who really have sex on the brain, such as Tom Coburn of Oklahoma, who thinks there is an epidemic of lesbianism in Oklahoma schools, and South Carolina’s Jim DeMint (that second ‘i’ should really be an ‘e’) who wants gays and pregnant single mothers barred from teaching decent, God-fearing hillbillies. At the dawn of a digitised, globalised millennium, these creeps want the clocks turned back to a time when the church held sway over our sexuality. They prefer us ignorant and terrified, alone in the dark, the better for them to control us through fear and guilt. Too bad for them that we live in the bright, vivid light of our incandescent dirty dreams.

And thank God for that.

Who ELSE but this guy should have SquealLikeAPig.com?

The Village Voice’s Noir Genius Exam beckons.

From Salon. It’s long, but good. The bad part is that it’s hard to start now, but the season 1 DVD comes out this month.

Janet Leigh, dead at 77.

The Brown Bunny has a billboard in LA.

Johnny Knoxville is slated to star in a big-screen adaptation of The Dukes of Hazzard set for a 2005 release.

Missouri Loves Company has this to say about Hero:

“Hero,” by the way, is an outstanding movie, even if the fight scene between the two chicks did remind me of a Bjork video. Think Rashamon meets Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. With an athletic, sword-wielding Bjork.

We recommend you go read the whole post, especially the part about people demanding their money back because they didn’t understand what “subtitled” meant on the poster.

Collateral: No, except for the scene in the jazz club.

The Bourne Supremecy: Yes, except for the frenetic camera work.

Click here.

Check it — or them, rather — out; the movie marketing droids enboobened scantily clad King Arthur star Keira Knightly for the marketing poster. We find this in no way surprising, of course, but it we do think it’s darn funny. (Via Defamer.)

With the President’s numbers dropping and the war in Iraq fast becoming a quagmire, the last thing the CREEP needs is Michael Moore asking embarrassing questions. They thought they might get a break when Disney refused to distribute the film, but the Weinstein brothers took care of that. Now, if this effort is any indication, the film must be very damning indeed.

In short, it’s one of those astroturf initiatives. And the guy running it is the same fellow behind the campaign to kill CBS’ biopic of Reagan, which was deemed unsufficiently hagiographic. His site here is more of the same; the film is “anti-American,” and Moore hates America and our troops, etc., so why would anyone want to see this movie? They’re up front about wanting to “stop Michael Moore,” which has a somewhat disturbing ring to it for anyone who’s read the Bill of Rights; that providing a critique of policy might be a duty of a free nation’s citizenry appears to escape this particular portion of the right.

I’m typically no big fan of Moore, but I’m looking forward to this film.

Ulysses: the Film.

Over here at Heathen Central, one aspect of modern life that never fails to amuse is the sheer existence of the Lifetime network. I mean, what’s NOT funny about a network so full of “colon” movies? You know the type: <Scary Title> : The <Minor Celeb> Story. Even better are those titles on the “Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear” pattern. You don’t even have to watch these things to know they’re bad; you’ve got all you need in the title (and, perhaps, the highly-tauted presence of Meredith Baxter-Birney).

All this being the case, then, it should come as no surprise that this page seems to us like complete self-parody.

A brief discussion on The Well lead me to consider my favorite devils, Satans, Lucifers, etc. IMDB is your friend.

First, there are the comedy devils:

• Mel Blanc (various WB cartoons)
• Trey Parker (South Park, 1997)

Then we’ve got traditional-film-treatments:

• Lon Chaney, Jr. (Devil’s Messenger, 1961). There’s something inevitable about this.
• Donald Pleasence (The Greatest Story Ever Told, 1965), 20 years before he chased that slasher over and over.
• Robert Judd (Crossroads, 1986). Nobody remembers him; Judd died before the film was released, but his Legbah/Scratch was pleasantly over the top. Plus, he threatened Ralph Macchio, so what’s not to like?
• Viggo Mortensen (Prophecy, 1995, opposite Christopher Walken). It’s probably best not to remind Aragorn of his past work.
• Gabriel Byrne (End of Days, 1999). Of course, Arnie wins in the film, but we all know that if he can survive the whole of the Chicago mob chasing him as a compulsive gambler and dipsomaniac, one slurring commando wouldn’t have stopped him.

A few are Just Plain Weird:

• Danny Elfman (Forbidden Zone, 1980). I think we like it better when he just writes movie music.
• John Ritter (Wholly Moses, 1980). I never saw this, but there’s pretty much no way it’s not freaky.
• Harvey Keitel (Little Nicky, 2000). You know, Keitel playing the devil ought to be scary.

In this corner, we have the combination category of Remakes-or-Women:

• Elizabeth Hurley (Bedazzled, 2000). It’s possible Hurley didn’t totally embarrass herself here, but not likely; her 1967 antecedent was Peter Cook.
• Jennifer Love Hewitt (Devil and Daniel Webster, 2001). This is sort of a sick joke, given Walter Huston’s work in the 1941 original.

And now, the winners:

• The official Heathen Filmed Satan Champ is, of course, Robert De Niro (Angel Heart, 1987). I’ll never forgive Liz for making me watch the last 15 minutes of that film first.
• Heathen passes the TV prize to Roddy McDowall (on Fantasy Island, season 4 “The Devil and Mandy Breem.”). Damn you, Roarke!
• Finally, the “Thank God I’m Legal Now, Let’s Make a Movie!” Porn Devil winner is, of course, Traci Lords (New Wave Hookers, 1985). We’ve never seen this, of course. But we’re sure we’d like it.

Keanu Reeves as John Constantine.

Hermione has boobs.

I can’t wait for the last films in this series, when Watson is a full-growed woman, and Radcliffe and Grint have deep voices and five o’clock shadow.

Once Erin reads this, we’re gonna have to go to LA so she can see who will admire her purses.

There is at least some possibility that the original Exorcist prequel (shot by Schrader) and the Renny Harlin version will both see the light of day.

No word yet on this other version, however.

Agent MikeyD (not to be confused with Mike D.) points out a rather interesting possibility for everyone’s favorite “double-ought spy.”

This Guardian feature tells a bit of the story behind Kubrick’s enigmatic life.

Slacktivist, of course:

I still haven’t seen Gibson’s Passion — I’m always reluctant to see the movie when I really liked the book.

Accordian Guy points us to the trailer for the live-action anime-esque Japanese film Casshern (big-ass streamed Quicktime). It’s in Japanese — duh — but whoa.

No, it’s got nothing to do with bloody Gibsonian sadoJesus, nor with the essentially vapid nature of just about everything produced there. It’s all about what they’ve done to the Exorcist prequel.

You see, despite appearances, the idea of a new Exorcist film predating the 1973 original actually turns out to be a pretty interesting notion. The original was and remains a masterpiece of psychological horror, and this new installment was to be helmed by Paul Schrader (he of Taxi Driver and Raging Bull) and had always-dependable Stellan Skarsgard as an earlier version of the Max von Sydow character.

In fact, the whole thing’s been shot. It’s in the can. It’ll just never see the light of day, as the studio decided they wanted a more “fast-based, flashy” film instead of the cerebral piece Schrader turned in, so they’re reshooting with a hack of a director (Reny Harlin (who gave us “Cutthroat Island,” and whose primary claim to work seems to have been nailing Laura Dern and Geena Davis (HDANCN?)) and a new cast.

We knew there was a reason we liked Charlize Theron. I mean, besides being a stone cold fox PLUS going all DeNiro with the Wuornos role.

(Plus, it’s biodegradable.)

A 30-second, all-bunny version of The Exorcist.

This review of Gibson’s Peckinpah Gospel is thoughtful, but also sort of depressing (i.e., given the box office the film’s gathered so far).

Slippery weasels have cancelled Angel despite its growing ratings (up 36% over last year). I’m sure we can look forward to more unfunny crap from the Wayans brothers in the Wednesday timeslot next year.

How long ’til the Sopranos comes back?

In which the Heathen provide commentary on the Academy’s nominations, or most of them, anyway. To Wit:

Best Picture

• Good News: They finally noticed what Peter Jackson’s been doing.
• Bad News: Seabiscuit’s on the list, too. Haven’t we heard enough about that goddamn horse already?

Best Director

• Good News: Jackson scores again, and has three films to show for it — with no big nods thus far, it makes sense that they’ve held off until the final film.
• Bad News: He’s against Sophia Coppola and Clint Eastwood.

Best Actor

• Good News: In a surprise move, Johnny Depp gets the nod he’s deserved for years for his role in Pirates of the Caribbean.
• Bad News: Sean Penn again?

Best Actress

• Good News: Charlize Theron’s outstanding performance makes her nomination here a foregone conclusion.
• Bad News: Charlize Theron’s role as a mass murdering hard-luck hooker makes it an awful big stretch to think the Academy will give her the statue she deserves.

Best Supporting Actor

• Good News: Benicio Del Toro and Alec Baldwin are on the list.
• Bad News: What the hell is wrong with any of Jackson’s cast? Where’s Sean Astin? Where’s Ian McKellen?

Best Supporting Actress

• Good News: We’ll have to listen to some Hollywood type try to say “Aghdashloo” on stage in front of millions of people.
• Bad News: Renee “Look! I can modulate my weight AND do an accent!” Zellweger will probably win.

Best Screenplay (Original)

• Good News: Lost in Translation gets a deserved nod here.
• Bad News: I have an ugly feeling that fucking fish movie will win.

Best Screenplay (Adaptation)

• Good News: LOTR scores another (and, in this case, inevitable) nomination here.
• Bad News: With a fantasy epic and a comic adaptation to choose from here, they may well play it safe and pick that goddamn horse again.

Cinematography

• Bad News: Not to beat a drum here, but what the hell is wrong with these people? LOTR deserves at least a nomination here for sheer scope of film if nothing else.
• More Bad News: That fucking horse is on this list, too.

Film Editing

• Good News: LOTR’s here, if not in the above category.
• Bad News: Seriously, can’t we Alpo that thing yet?

Visual Effects

• Good News: Lord of the Rings again, natch. Though the coolest effect was actually in the first movie; the Balrog is the scariest thing I’ve ever seen on film. (Not counting Charlize Theron, above.)
• More Good News: Pirates of the Caribbean gets a deserved nod here, too.
• Bad News: In a field 2/3 great, Wet-Russell-Crowe could walk away with it.

Art Direction

• Good News: LOTR once again, for that tiny task of visualizing a whole world for the screen.
• Bad News: It’s up against everyone’s favorite glue candidate, wet-Russell-Crowe, and Dances with Samurai, none of which feature the kiss-of-death aspects of magic, dragons, etc.

Costume Design

• Good News: See Art Direction, above.
• Bad News: See Art Direction, above.

Makeup

• Good News: See Visual Effects, above.
• Bad News: See Visual Effects, above.

Sound Mixing

• Good News: Peter Jackon’s ploy of make-the-stadium-pretend-to-be-orcs pays off.
• Bad News: The inescapable Spiderman-goes-to-the-Races is here, too.

Original Song

• Good News: A Mighty Wind’s “Kiss at the End of the Rainbow” is here.
• Bad News: TWO songs from Cold Mountain are, too.

What we saw

Patty Jenkins’ Monster, a sort of biopic about Aileen Wuornos, a murdering hooker from Florida executed in 2001.

What we’d say if we were being really, really flip

“It’s the most romantic movie about serial killers EVER.”

One reason why that’s wrong

Despite claims to the contrary, Wuornos wasn’t really a “serial killer” in the sense of Berkowitz, Dahmer, etc. She maintained relationships with other humans she didn’t kill; she killed to cover up theft (dead men tell no tales) than as an end unto itself; her crimes lacked the broken-sexuality component common to the genre, etc. Of course, that means she just killed a bunch of people without being completely nutso, which is hardly better.

Another reason why that’s wrong

Since the definition of “serial killers” in use here is at best flawed, shouldn’t we also consider Badlands and Bonnie and Clyde?

The answer to that

No.

Notwithstanding that, then, yet another reason that doesn’t work

Wuornos’ lover was the star witness against her in her trial, though the circumstances of that are complex to say the least.

Okay, smartass, what makes this movie so great?

Charlize Theron, beyond a shadow of a doubt, turns in a performance unequalled in recent memory. Think DeNiro in Raging Bull and Taxi Driver. Think Will Smith in Ali, even if you didn’t see it (trust us) (and even if you think we’re weird for listing two boxing flicks). Think Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade. It’s like that. Theron has done a load of work trading on her looks. She’s gorgeous, she’s tall, and she’s foreign. Unfortunately, she did movies like 2 Days in the Valley and Devil’s Advocate, and last year’s awful remake of The Italian Job that would lead you to believe she’s just another pretty face in Hollywood, a woman sure to make a splash on red carpets for a year or two, and just as sure to vanish without a trace soon enough. No, I don’t think so. Not now. The red-carpet Theron is nowhere to be seen; in her place is someone entirely different. She nails the accent, the body language — the swagger of the permanent loser is perfect. Even her height isn’t glamorous here; it’s played for freak value. Theron towers over Christina Ricci, who plays Wuornos’ love interest (and, amazingly, manages not to be completely overshadowed).

So who else is in this flick?

Bruce Dern, playing what may be the best almagamation of all crazy-Bruce-Dern-roles. Wild-haired and in a surplus jacket, he’s a crazed Vietnam vet who understands Wuornos’ career choice, at least until she starts knocking off the johns.

So where’s it playing?

In Houston, at the Angelika. Elsewhere, do a search.

New Rose Hotel

The Tivo grabbed this on its own. I’d never heard of it, but it starred Willem Dafoe and Christopher Walken, so I kept it around six months before I watched it. As it happens, its based on a very short piece by William Gibson. It’s not terribly good, but it’s not outright bad, either. The lead comment at IMDB calls it an “interesting mess,” which is fair.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Who knew George Clooney could direct? The Charlie Kaufman script helps, I’m sure, as does the cast — Sam Rockwell is brilliant, as are Drew Barrymore and Clooney himself. Was Chuck Barris a CIA hitman? Who knows. It hardly matters. The end result is a splendid film.

The Bourne Identity

Drastically better than I expected. Damon sells action in a way that Affleck cannot. Foolishly, I watched the extra behind-the-scenes featurette on the DVD, wherein they refer to how “new” and “fresh” this film is — which is sort of odd, since the same source material was used for a 1988 TV version starring Richard Chamberlin.

Hulk

Ang Lee can do no wrong, but his casting director fucked him. Neither Eric Bana nor Jennifer Connelly can act for shit; only Sam Elliot is right for his role as “Thunderbolt” Ross. There’s also a fantastic moment when Stan Lee and Lou Ferrigno make cameo appearances as security guards. Worth my time, but not spectacular.

D.O.A. (1949)

Noir on parade, complete with femme fatale and snappy dialog. Frankly, the 1988 version is probably better, but isn’t really noir. The 1949 film is an excellent time capsule, and was well worth my time.

Next of Kin

Sue me. I’m sick. It’s one of my favorite bad movies. Oddly, I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen the whole thing before today, since I didn’t realize that its cast includes not just an up-to-then unknown Liam Neeson, but also small roles by Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton, and Ben Stiller.

Best In Show (partial)

Yes. Christopher Guest’s accent more than makes up for Neeson’s (above).

Narc

Essentially a debut by Joe Carnahan, this one was made for virtually nothing pretty much because Ray Liotta got involved. Eventually, Tom Cruise took on a production role, Jason Patric signed on, and they had a movie on their hands. It’s a dirty-cop drama, but a very good one. Liotta and Patric turn in great performances, and the cinematography is outstanding.

Next up: Far From Heaven.I mean, after I work some, and watch some bad TV, and sit on the couch sneezing and coughing.

Now the truth can be told.

The Virtual Etch-a-Sketch.

In what must be a labor of love, this site provides an exhaustive study of the types and brands of cocktails consumed by James Bond; they cover both the literary and cinematic incarnations. Lovely.

Peter Jackson cast 34-year-old Royd Tolkien, J.R.R.’s great-grandson, to play a minor role (a Gondorian Ranger) in Return of the King.

HBO’s Carnivale concluded its first season last Sunday, and HBO wants to know what you think. The survey is short; if you like the show, give it a go.

So there’s a movie adaptation of The Cat in the Hat. I’m sure you’ve heard. It stars Mike Myers. You probably know that, too.

Ty Burr of the Boston Globe confirms what you almost certainly suspect about this movie. A sample:

At one point in “The Cat in the Hat,” the Cat, played by Mike Myers, is mistaken for a pinata by a group of children at a birthday party. One by one, they line up to smack him, and the scene culminates with a husky lad swinging a baseball bat directly into the unfortunate feline’s cojones. That’s a remarkably precise metaphor for what this movie does to the memory of Dr. Seuss. If the producers had dug up Ted Geisel’s body and hung it from a tree, they couldn’t have desecrated the man more.

Ouch. Of course, Myers, et. al., will likely cry all the way to the bank.

But either way, read this Wired article about Philip K. Dick.

Dick, who died in 1982, was something of a cult figure until very recently. However, once Hollywood started to accumulate some success with his work, he became dramatacally less obscure. He’s the science fiction author who wrote the stories upon which Blade Runner (novel, “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?”), Total Recall (short story, “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale”), and The Minority Report (short story of the same name) were based. There have been others, and there’s more coming.

According to an interview with Simpsons creator Matt Groening, Fox News threatened to sue the makers of the Simpsons, a show broadcast by sister company Fox Entertainment. At issue was the Simpsons’ portrayal of Fox News in the show, which included a number of satirical headlines in the “crawl” (e.g., “Do Democrats cause cancer? . . . Rupert Murdoch: Terrific dancer . . . Study: 92 percent of Democrats are gay . . . Oil slicks found to keep seals young, supple…”). Fox News denies the story, but it certainly has the ring of truth.

You see, Elvis actually switched places with an Elvis impersonator, and is still living in a retirement home in Texas, where his best friend is an elderly black man convinced he’s the real JFK; together, they battle an ancient Egyptian monster menacing the Shady Rest Home.

No, I’m not kidding. It’s even in IMDB. Starring Bruce Campbell as Elvis and Ossie Davis as JFK.

I am so there. It’s playing now in limited release, where it’s apparently doing very, very well. Houston’s at the end of the list (December 12), but it opens this weekend in Austin (guess where) and, of course, Memphis.

1. We should, in general, be wary of people with keyrings that match their cars.
2. High blood pressure is rampant among doomed assassins, yakuza bosses, and half-Japanese/half-French attorneys.
3. Quentin Tarantino really, really liked “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon“
4. Daryl Hannah as a bloodthirsty killer with one eye is almost as sexy as Daryl Hannah as a black-eyed would-be killer replicant of 20-odd years before.
5. David Carradine need not actually appear completely on screen to be creepy.
6. Assassins will stop their knife fight when the little girl gets home.
   (Actually, we learn this from the trailer.)
7. Quentin Tarantino can still make movies that are fun to watch, visually compelling, and full of cheesy dialog that somehow manages not to be cheesy just long enough to be uttered and enjoyed.

Ever wonder what happened to Lane Myer’s Camaro from Better Off Dead? Wonder no more. (via Memepool)

Viggo Mortensen and punk pioneer Exene Cervenka (1) were once married and (2) have a child together.

Someday, that kid’s gonna have the best show and tell story ever. “Yeah, my mom was in X, and my dad played Aragorn.”

Underworld, the Kate-Beckinsale-vampires-vs.-werewolves film, topped the box office this weekend at $22 million. N.B. that when I say “partly our fault,” I mean approximately 0.000082%.

Critics seem to loathe it, but I had a much better time than I expected, and I’m notoriously hard on films. It’s certainly not high art, but at least it seems to care about whether it makes sense within itself or not. I’ve seen much, much worse vampire movies. I’ve seen much worse movies that didn’t even have vampires in them, in fact. And this one has Beckinsale in goth fetishy clothing, of which she seems to have a bunch, and what’s not to like about that?

It’s marketed, sorta, as a Romeo-and-Juliet kind of thing, but that’s a real stretch — not every story about (potential) lovers from warring clans is a rehash of R&J. A better case can be made for a racial politics theme, but even that is subordinate to “run, fight, shoot, jump, and look fancy in black leather or latex, pausing occasionally to reveal more of the plot and backstory” (and thank God for that).

Beckinsale is easily the best of the cast; most of the rest seem to have been hired for look rather than talent, but fortunately Beckinsale is (usually) the only one who’s called upon to do anything that really looks like acting. What ultimately saves the film is a more-intricate-than-you’d-expect plot that isn’t over-explained (though the Exposition Fairy does make some unnecessary visits early on).

Oh, I was going to link to the official film site, but it’s a nasty full-screen all-Flash thing. The Sony site, though, includes a link to an Underworld Half-Life game mod, which is a marketing tie-in I’ve not seen before. Clever.

Mike Nichols has been signed to direct a musical adaptation of Monty Python and the Holy Grail for the stage.

The good news? It’s Eric Idle’s idea.

John Ritter collapsed on the set of his current show yesterday before dying at a Burbank hospital, apparently succumbing to a heretofore undiagnosed heart ailment. He was a week from turning 55, which is entirely too young, particularly considering the dramatic work he’s turned in over the last ten years (beginning with Sling Blade). Ritter was the youngest son of western hero and country artist Tex Ritter, which I didn’t know until today.