February 2009 Archives

How We Know We're In The Future

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This afternoon, I'm doing a little work on my laptop (a MacBook Pro), catching up on email and taking care of some software testing. Since we do Microsoft software, the testing is taking place inside a Windows Server 2003 virtual machine that's running, among other things IIS and SQL Server 2005.

At the same time, the laptop is also ripping a CD (the Oxford American's annual music issue just showed up) and downloading a couple TV shows via BitTorrent that I'll watch on my trip this week -- something I wouldn't have to do if I could just copy the damn things from my Tivo, but whatever. Also, because it's the sort of thing that happens from time to time, my TimeMachine backup is running.

How is the futurey? I was just re-installing a database tool on the Windows VM side and got annoyed that the computer wasn't responding instantly.

Dept. of GAAAAAH

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Whoa.

Actually, it's a sculpture. However, I've seen her work before -- a collector in Houston has one of her pieces -- and it's actually more creepy in person.

Scenes from the Cookoff, 2009 Edition

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After several years off, Your Favorite Heathen are once again doing the Cookoff. We realized with no small amount of shock that we haven't done it since the rail opened or Reliant was in place, so in many ways it's a whole different thing. The train makes it RULE, though; parking is no longer an issue at all.

Wednesday

Uneventful; it always is. It's quiet, with few folks around since many of the corporate tents -- and no small number of the private ones -- have no event scheduled for that night. A few, like Cold River, do a sponsor-only party on Wednesday, and we never miss it -- it may be the best steak we get all year. We made an error when, having just missed a train, we elected to drive down -- only to discover parking was a nightmare even on the least-populated night since so many lots weren't even open yet. Oops. We did, however, notice that the tent's new position is:

  • No longer next door to another very loud private tent;
  • Pleasantly close to the main stage; and
  • Immediately adjacent to a booth selling, among other things, chocolate covered cheesecake on a stick.

Make of this what you will. We ate a lot, drank a little, and were home by 10 or 1030, and behaved well enough that I was back at my desk by 0630 on Thursday.

Thursday

A little bit louder now, to coin a phrase; this time it was the Heathens plus the betrothed pair of Little Miss Redhead and the Dancin' Teachin' Drama Machine (HeatheNames subject to adjustment later).

After a much smoother trip down -- the train drops you off maybe half a mile from the tent, and the walk is through the carnival -- we were among the first in line for the food, which was a lucky thing as we were all four starving. Well fed, we went a-wandering to check out the lay of the land; on Wednesday, we'd noticed a seriously hoppin' party in the northwest corner, but couldn't see whose tent it was, so we went up to see who they were.

Aha. Corporate: It's for Cazadores, Bacardi's premium tequila, and the "tent" is only a "tent" in the loosest possible sense. It's got a faux-adobe front, for crying out loud, though it's certainly the only time I've seen a pseudo-traditional hacienda-type tent with a velvet rope. Recession or no, the rum people were definitely pulling out all the stops.

We kept it low key -- as all loyal Heathen understand, pacing is vitally important in four-day party situations -- but the official log does contain a few entries of note:

  • Choice quote: "I'll bet the Amish look great naked." (LMR)
  • Even at the Cookoff, nobody loves Centerpoint; their (large) tent was nearly devoid of people.
  • Is it more "BBQ Burning Man" or "BBQ Ren Faire?" Hard to say.
  • Frankly, as an eighties cover band, you're probably doing it wrong if you think you can do justice to both Loverboy *and* the Cure. Just saying.

Stay tuned for Friday and Saturday recaps as they become available.

This Nightstand Sounds Like Chewbacca

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Um, what?

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Filling out a (Federal) form for a background check related to a new project at work, I was asked for my height. Do you see anything unusual about the dialog options below?

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Dept. of Iconic Overload

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Does a local blogger really need this many icons at the bottom of every post?

iconorama.png

I've been online since before there WERE browsers, and consider myself pretty clueful, but I've got no friggin' idea what most of those are even for. Considering that most readers are less sophisticated than I am, I wonder at the utility.

Can someone...

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...please point me to an example of Forrester, Gartner, or any of those analyst houses having been at all consistently prescient about anything? I don't mean "did one guy say something that came true;" I'm sure that, with enough analysts typing enough papers, they've all come up with one or two things ahead of the curve. Big deal. Value would lie in a wheat:chaff ratio greater than "1", and I'm willing to bet nobody's got one.

Seriously, these whitepaper factories seem to exist primarily to do logrolling with each other, or to extract money from muzzy-headed biz-dev types whose first thought in encountering any new technology is "how can I destroy the communication value of this thing by INVADING IT WITH MARKETING NOISE?"

Well, sure, he's crazy

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But that doesn't make this trailer for Mel Gibson's new movie any less funny:

Eleventy Million kinds of Cool

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Zoe Keating:

Via Wil Wheaton, who explains a bit that makes the track above even cooler:

See that MacBook next to her? She uses that to sample herself several times to build a rhythm, and then she plays over it, like a one-woman string quartet. Or quintet. Or awesometet. I didn't realize this the first time I heard her; I just thought her music was haunting and beautiful, but once I knew what she was doing, I was awestruck. In fact, knowing how she does it, I defy you to listen to it again and keep your jaw off the floor.

We here at Heathen Central are longtime fans of classical instrumentation in modern music; I once saw Rasputina (of which Keating is an alum) in a now-defunct bar in downtown Houston, and a really awesome modern original string quartet played at the Heathen Hitchin'. I'm glad to discover Keating; I suspect I'll be hitting iTunes shortly to get some more. The piece above is "Tetrishead," found on "One Cello x 16: Natoma," $7.92 at iTunes.

We are not making this up: In WWII, a Polish unit had a bear mascot -- eventually "drafted" -- that carried shells for them and, on occasion, fought Nazis. Said unit still exists, and its insignia now memorializes said bear (at right).

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On duty, Voytek was trained to carry cases of ammunition and mortar shells down the line to waiting artillery, each one weighing hundreds of pounds. On one occasion, he wandered into an empty shower stall and surprised an Arabic spy who had been listening in on top secret information. The spy quickly surrendered and immediately confessed to all of his crimes, probably because he was smart enough to realize that any military unit possessing Anti-Espionage Bears are likely going to be on the winning side of the war.

After the war, he retired to a zoo in Edinburgh, where he was frequently visited by his former comrades. He died in 1963.

(The first link is a random blog, but he's also in Wikipedia, for crying out loud.)

Why Privatizing Prisons is a BAD Idea

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Two Pennsylvania judges are now going to prison for taking in excess of two million dollars in kickbacks over a five year period in exchange for increasing the headcount at private juvenile facilities.

Ciavarella, 58, along with Conahan, 56, corruptly and fraudulently "created the potential for an increased number of juvenile offenders to be sent to juvenile detention facilities," federal court documents alleged. Children would be placed in private detention centers, under contract with the court, to increase the head count. In exchange, the two judges would receive kickbacks.

The Juvenile Law Center said it plans to file a class-action lawsuit this week representing what they say are victims of corruption. Juvenile Law Center attorneys cite a few examples of harsh penalties Judge Ciavarella meted out for relatively petty offenses:

  • Ciavarvella sent 15-year-old Hillary Transue to a wilderness camp for mocking an assistant principal on a MySpace page. (Emph. added)

  • He whisked 13-year-old Shane Bly, who was accused of trespassing in a vacant building, from his parents and confined him in a boot camp for two weekends.

Dept. of Tattoos I'm Glad I Didn't Get

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This one. (From this set of sci-nerd tatts.)

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(Of course, had our RFID firm actually made money, or my stock been worth anything, I might've felt differently.)

Dept. of Literary Observances

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Watchmencovers.pngWatchmen was a product of its time -- by which I mean full of mid-80s, duck-and-cover era of superpower brinksmanship.

When I read it again in the mid-90s, it seemed dated, and delightfully so. The Wall was gone. The Russians were our friends. Nuclear annihilation wasn't on the table, everything was rosy, and the pessimism of Moore's text seemed like a bad dream remembered years later.

I'm reading it again now, in advance of the film. I'm sad to say it doesn't seem so dated anymore.

Now playing on Heathen Radio: The Nightfly, by Donald Fagen, largely because of this excellent retrospective on its place in popular music (via Andrea, at Facebook). Check it out, unless you are -- like certain wives of mine -- allergic to the axis of Fagen/Becker.

Standing tough under stars and stripes
We can tell
This dream's in sight
You've got to admit it
At this point in time that it's clear
The future looks bright
On that train all graphite and glitter
Undersea by rail
Ninety minutes from New York to Paris
Well by seventy-six we'll be A.O.K.

Dept. of Movies We Need to See

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Some years ago, I had a strange dream wherein I was living in a Cicely, Alaska, type town in the middle of the northwestern wilderness, and part of the quirky charm of the area was the intelligent moose population -- but part of the tension of the dream was that, unbeknownst to the population at large, the moose were under predation by some vampiric influences, resulting in a near-complete conversion of the moose population from "herbivore" to "blood-drinker."

Yeah. No idea.

Anyway, a discussion of this dream later made me realize that while vampiric moose are funny, the whole idea of a weremoose was enough to send me into beverage-spewing hysterics, and indeed is making me giggle even as I type this. Which is why seeing this prop over at Io9 makes me want to see this movie so very much.

The film -- Black Sheep -- centers on a young man with a horrible phobia of sheep returning to his ancestral New Zealand ranch to sell his share to his brother. Unbeknownst to our hero, the black-hearted brother has been experimenting on the sheep, turning the docile little buggars into bloodthirsty carnivores whose bite -- you guessed it! -- turns humans into bloodthirsty were-sheep. Madcap hilarity must, of course, ensue.

I Am Not Making This Up.

Who's with me?

Don't nobody tell Erin about this

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"They are tense!"

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Advertisements in Korea are very, very strange.

Darn. And also Cool!

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Cafe Montrose never reopened after Ike, which is irritating and sad -- it was a great neighborhood joint for a quick bite or a resplendent feast. I'll miss it.

But in its place, we're getting a cured-meat-and-wine-bar ("Vinoteca Poscol") from Marco Wiles, he of Da Marco and Dolce Vita, which could be a lovely thing.

"Buh-bye, Dubai"

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This is brilliant; check it out:

Short of opening a Radio Shack in an Amish town, Dubai is the world’s worst business idea, and there isn’t even any oil. Imagine proposing to build Vegas in a place where sex and drugs and rock and roll are an anathema. This is effectively the proposition that created Dubai - it was a stupid idea before the crash, and now it is dangerous.

Dubai threatens to become an instant ruin, an emblematic hybrid of the worst of both the West and the Middle-East and a dangerous totem for those who would mistakenly interpret this as the de facto product of a secular driven culture.

The opening shot of this clip shows 200 skyscrapers that were built in the last 5 years. It looks like Manhattan except that it isn’t the place that made Mingus or Van Allen or Kerouac or Wolf or Warhol or Reed or Bernstein or any one of the 1001 other cultural icons from Bob Dylan to Dylan Thomas that form the core spirit of what is needed, in the absence of extreme toleration of vice, to infuse such edifices with purpose and create a self-sustaining culture that will prevent them crumbling into the empty desert that surrounds them.

Gahhh.

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So, I'm trying to find a good online running log/community site/etc. There are several, mostly of them I've linked here before. The one I hear good things about in terms of community is RunningAhead.com; the one with the most Google-juice is MapMyRun.com, a division of MapMyFitness, apparently.

Now, so, the features I want are:

  • Easy logging. Make it simple for me to enter a new running/walking event.
  • Easy GPS integration. Ideally, I just plug it in and say "upload" and the event get tagged on my calendar, potentially even without any other metadata. (But I should be able to add metadata like "crappy run" or "raining" or "had cramp" later.)
  • Decent community forums & such.
  • Open access to data, so I can pull it out on my own via (ideally) a RESTful API or somesuch.
  • Facebook integration (which is actually an outgrowth of the previous item).

And when I talk about data integration in the log -- i.e., from the GPS -- what I want is:

  • Date of run
  • Time of day for start and stop
  • Duration of run
  • Distance of run
  • Average pace
  • "Split" times for each mile, i.e. time to mile X and pace for mile X

Everyone seems to be mad for RunningAhead, but it's a labor of love from ONE GUY who appears to be absolutely allergic to code he didn't write. Even the FORUM at RA is homegrown, which makes precisely zero sense, and he's making noises about a 100% custom GPS integration solution (i.e., instead of utilizing the Garmin plugin that's FREE and available NOW). Consequently, people have been asking for features for literally YEARS at RA -- like GPS integration and data publishing/API/Facebook/Blog support -- that are all coming "real soon now" and which may never see the light of day.

So, there's that.

The other critter, MMR, is only marginally better. It supports the Garmin, and data flows in pretty easily, but it's doctrinaire and rigid about some data I don't care about (type of run, description of run). I'd rather it just sucked the data in and put it on the calendar automatically. Further, it doesn't seem to gather splits data at all, focussing instead on the route, the time, and the average pace. That's cool, but it's incomplete.

Also, and this is the real kicker, the MMR site is FUGLY. It's chock full of ads and would give any usability expert absolute HIVES. It's poorly coded, poorly laid out, and fails to retain preferences or settings with any reliability (relying on cookies instead of internal profile data, for example).

So near as I can tell, they all suck, and nobody's doing what I want, which is annoying. Heathen Nation, prove me wrong, would you?

(I'm also kind of afraid I'm not really getting all my data into an open format right now. The Garmin desktop is hokey and proprietary, but I can see splits there. Ascent will also show them. What I really want is an online tool like Ascent, and I'd even pay for it, but I'm not even sure it exists.)

Run Run Run Run Run

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A good one today: 5.01 in 1:01, average pace 12:18, and there was no walking after I started running after a two-block warmup. And -- get this -- my mile times got faster as I went: 12:50; 12:27; 12:31; 11:55; and a personal best 11:44 on the fifth mile after bargaining with myself for 2 miles about when I was going to take a walking break. (Turns out, the answer was "after the Garmin says I've gone five miles.")

The kids demand a followup

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Fellow Malleteer AJ (the tall black dude, not the short white girl) commented on the prior post, demanding I provide some NEW music I found equally compelling.

Sad to say, of course, but he'll learn soon enough that music you encounter after 30 tends not to be as personally meaningful as the stuff you found before 30, and that's reflected in the lone 21st century entry on the prior list (Radiohead's Amnesiac). I'll give it a swing, though.

The rules change a little: I'm going to pick records not that have lodged in my personal history as irrevocably as the other list, since this isn't yet knowable. Instead, I'm going to give my best guess for 20 (or so) records I think I'll still be listening to in 20 years, and I'm going to do my best to avoid any overlap artist-wise with the prior list (so, Radiohead's already represented, e.g.; re-including U2 was unavoidable, however).

  1. Lonelyland, Bob Schneider, 2000
  2. Post-War, M. Ward, 2006
  3. Stories from the City, Stories from Sea, PJ Harvey, 2000
  4. Transcendental Blues, Steve Earle, 2000
  5. Essence, Lucinda Williams, 2001
  6. Big Boi & Dre Present Outkast, Outkast, 2001
  7. Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, The Flaming Lips, 2002
  8. Blacklisted, Neko Case, 2002 (tie: also, Fox Confessor Bring the Flood, 2006)
  9. Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace, Foo Fighters, 2007
  10. Elephant, The White Stripes, 2003
  11. Funeral, The Arcade Fire, 2004
  12. A Ghost is Born, Wilco, 2004
  13. A Tale of God's Will, Terence Blanchard, 2007
  14. Z, My Morning Jacket, 2005
  15. Medulla, Bjork, 2004
  16. The Rising, Bruce Springsteen, 2002
  17. Sea Change, Beck, 2002
  18. Scar, Joe Henry, 2001
  19. O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack, Various artists, 2000
  20. All That You Can't Leave Behind, U2, 2000
  21. Pearl Jam, Pearl Jam, 2006
  22. Dreamt For Light Years In The Belly Of A Mountain, Sparklehorse, 2006
  23. Hardwire Healing, The Dexateens, 2007
  24. Strays Don't Sleep, Strays Don't Sleep, 2005
  25. The Shepherd's Dog, Iron & Wine, 2007

Happy Now?

So, over the weekend, another one of those pass-around lists happened on Facebook. I wrote a response, but posted it only there, which seems foolish in light of the follow-up I've also been asked to write, so here's my 25-album list in response to these instructions:

List 15 albums that had such a profound effect on you that they changed your life, or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that, no matter what they were thought of musically, shaped your world.

I snagged the idea from someone who'd expanded to 20, so I felt no compunctions about expanding to 25. This updated, edited version also includes mental snapshots for context.

  1. Lifes Rich Pageant, REM, 1985. A Columbia House cassette and the crappy deck in a '78 Regal. Twenty-four years later, I meet Mike Mills in an airport, and what I think of is the first time "Begin the Begin" hit my ears in that car.
  2. The Joshua Tree, U2, 1987. See prior art; the beginning of the rest of my life, whether I knew it or not, since this thread leads eventually to Erin.
  3. Trace, Son Volt, 1995. A loaner pickup, theater in Texas, and weird scenes inside a corrugated metal barn.
  4. Sticky Fingers, The Rolling Stones, 1971. Chris Jolly's room at Mallet, ca. 1990
  5. Mars Needs Guitars, Hoodoo Gurus, 1985. The back seat of the family car, an actual Walkman, and a drive home from the Coast
  6. Especially for You, The Smithereeens, 1986. One side of a well-worn cassette dubbed from Eric's copy, played on constant repeat from 1986 to 1988.
  7. Uh-Huh, John Cougar Mellencamp, 1983. The other side of that same cassette.
  8. The Velvet Underground & Nico, The Velvet Underground, 1967. John Smith, Tuscaloosa, Alabama, 1988.
  9. The Heart of Saturday Night, Tom Waits, 1974. A sort of romance, and an unrelated long nighttime drive through the North Carolina hills in the cold, cold winter.
  10. 1984, Van Halen, 1984. Church trips. Really.
  11. In Through the Out Door, Led Zeppelin, 1979. We dance madly in the hallway outside my room while Frank "shoots up," Tuscaloosa, 1990 or thereabouts.
  12. Shelter, Lone Justice, 1986. Capstone Summer Honors Program, Tuscaloosa, Alabama, 1987.
  13. Journeyman, Eric Clapton, 1989. A pitch black auditorium, a single floating cigarette, and the best opening chords ever.
  14. Couldn't Stand the Weather, Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble, 1984. Mike Adams' Sentra, 1987.
  15. Little Earthquakes, Tori Amos, 1992. Cassie hated it. I loved it. 1992.
  16. Purple Rain, Prince and the Revolution, 1984. C'mon.
  17. Jane's Addiction, Jane's Addiction, 1987. In some weird grad students' house south of Hardy near Elam, I get stoned for the first time, 1987.
  18. Cure for Pain, Morphine, 1993. Birmingham visit, 1995, and I discover Morphine via Mohney.
  19. Amnesiac, Radiohead, 2001. Eric and Chet summer as bachelors, 2001. Also REDACTED.
  20. The Soul Cages, Sting, 1991. Sting sings about my dad, 1991.
  21. One Fair Summer Evening, Nanci Griffith, 1988. The Tom Waits girl hipped me to this live Griffith set in 1993 or 1994. It was years before I realized I'd moved within blocks of the venue in question.
  22. Concrete Blonde, Concrete Blonde, 1986. On near infinite repeat from Patrick's room, ca. 1990.
  23. Pretty Hate Machine, Nine Inch Nails, 1989. ANGRY. Also, HORNY.
  24. The Trinity Session, The Cowboy Junkies, 1987. I drive Frank and Eric P to the farm in 1988. We stop at a now-gone record store to pick this up on the way out of town.
  25. Doo Dad, Webb Wilder, 1991. Hattiesburg done good. "There's a glimmer of morning / Just over the tree-line..."

The other "Groundhog day" film

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I didn't know this until just now, but Groundhog Day is almost certainly a stolen film; the plot first surfaced in a 1973 short story called 12:01 PM, wherein the loop is only an hour long, and the only one aware of it is a sad-sack businessman.

The story was then made into a 1990 Academy-Award winning short film far, far more disturbing than the Bill Murray classic. A subsequent TV movie expanded the idea to a full day.

The author and 1990 director brought suit, apparently, but were unable to compete legally with the essentially limitless resources of Columbia Pictures.

The good news is that the 1990 film is available on Youtube, split into 3 parts (total running time is 25 minutes). The protagonist is played by an actor you will find familiar.

I somehow ended up watching all four hours of the horrible TV adaptation of XIII last Sunday and last night, and boy am I sorry.

Here's the main problem: XIII was a very well-received graphic novel first, over in Belgium of all places. It then made the leap into an interesting first-person shooter whose charm was enhanced by the fact that it was done not in a photorealistic style, but instead as though the player were playing the comic. Nice idea, and apparently well-executed.

Well, here comes the nearly inevitable film adaptation, clearly shot on the cheap with has-been (as in "has-been MUCH THINNER before now") Val Kilmer in a bit part, and Stephen Dorff as the eponymous XIII.

And it's bad. Really bad. Granted, there probably hasn't been a decent plotline yet that actually works well in all three formats (game, comic, TV) because of the various demands and quirks of each medium, so they definitely get SOME slack for taking a swing at it. And there were parts that weren't awful, but on the whole the entire affair ran on rails, telegraphing twists well before they happened. Plus, since it needed to anchor two evenings, it felt super-bloated at four hours (well, minus commercials). Add to this the fact that the plot of Shooter is basically the same thing, but in a much better movie, and you get some annoyance.

However, the single greatest area this steamer fails is in preventable problems clearly the result of a complete disregard for verifiable facts. To wit:

  1. One scene, said to be "the day before election day," or early November, shows Arlington National Cemetery under a few inches of snow. Snow that early in or around the District would be freakish and weird, and while not unprecedented, is still out of place here.

  2. Compounding the error, though, is the very next shot of the film, which shows a lush and verdant White House lawn. Trees are full of leaves, the sky is blue, and there's no hint of winter. Um, what? News flash to filmmakers: The White House is only about two miles from Arlington, dumbasses.

  3. In another shot displaying a willful ignorance of basic DC geography, a phone call placed from "a pay phone in Dupont Circle" shows the caller with a clear view of the Capitol down a wide boulevard. Leaving aside for a moment the basic problem -- the Capitol isn't visible from Dupont -- the view provided OF the Capitol is from the east, and Dupont is northwest.

  4. A plotpoint of the film is a presidential race between a successor Vice President and the opposite-party candidate, who happens to be the assassinated President's brother. That's a little weird, but here's the really fun part: a political ad we see in the film claims that the Vice President "as governor of Illinois voted to cut funding for the Marines." Um, what?

  5. A late-film development is the deployment of a dirty bomb at a Bethesda polling station on election day, as a way to allow the government to impose martial law and disrupt the electoral process. This opens the door for a twofer of stupidity. First, we see elaborate, TSA-style security measures at the polling station, which have never been in place any time I've voted anywhere.

  6. The real screamer, though, is that (according to dialog in the film) DC suburb Bethesda, Maryland is "four hours from DC." That's some metro line, isn't it?

Compare all this to the slavish attention to real-world geography shown by the Fallout 3 team on a video game.

Sigh. It's what I get for watching a broadcast network, really. If NBC/CBS/ABC/Fox ever get something decent on the air, it's got to be a complete accident.

In which we run some more

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Mildly hungover on Saturday, I ran anyway: 4.46miles in 57:33, including my longest uninterrupted run yet (just over 2 miles, after which my heart was threatening to mutiny outright) and my lowest mile pace yet (11:55) -- well, "yet" meaning "in this iteration of running." Ten years ago, I could do a sub-30-minute 5K.

Perfectly fine today, I did a brisk 4.2 (or 4.12? Somehow, my Garmin desktop software and MapMyRun disagree) walk in just over an hour. Bit by bit... More running tomorrow, wherein I try to make it 2.5 uninterrupted miles running.

Dept. of Al Franken Being Right

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As it turns out, Rush Limbaugh really is a big fat idiot, as he is apparently unaware that the common document-distribution format PDF includes search features.

Well, either that, or he's a lying asshole willfully misleading his listeners. I'm not sure which is worse.

Oh, here's a shocker

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That British researcher who supposedly linked the MMR vaccine with autism? Big fat liar who faked his data.

Fox, why you got to be so douchey?

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The Sarah Connor Chronicles is back from an extended hiatus, and is the lead-in show to Joss Whedon's new Dollhouse. However, collisions being what they are, we're grabbing the Terminator stuff with the TV and getting DH online.

Except Fox has TSCC scheduled from 7:00 to 8:01, which makes it a PITA to tape TSCC and then grab something else on another channel at 8. It also means that even if you rig up a manual recording for TSCC, you miss the last minute or two of the show. This is clearly a ploy to drive viewers to Dollhouse, but it's a cheesetastic dick move even if it is in service of a show creator we Heathen enjoy (Whedon).

Well, fuck you, Fox. And to think they wonder why people torrent TV; crap like this makes it objectively simpler to just download than it is to watch normally. (And, seriously, fuck Fox's busy-as-shit halfass view-online site. It's fallen down on me too many times to bother with anymore when I can get an HD torrent to watch without wrestling with browser plug-ins and net congestion.)

Friday Walkies

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4.24mi, 1:07. Weird route this time that I don't think I'll repeat, given the traffic involved, but it was (sort of) worth trying.

In which we are very, very nerdy

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moose:~ chet$ while true; do sleep 1; date +%s; done
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(Confused? Here you go.)

And now I will slay you with cute

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Choose either baby gorilla flavor or foxes on a trampoline flavor.

This is a bad idea

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Microsoft is getting into the retail store business, and has hired a Wal-Mart exec to lead the effort; the move is heralded as "taking a page out of Apple's playbook," and that's almost certainly what they think they're doing -- after all, Apple has had a great deal of success with its stylish brand-enhancing shops.

This is baffling on a number of levels (timing for one), but the biggest head-scratcher is why they think anyone would go to a Redmond-owned store to buy any MS product. Apple stores work because Apple kit is perceived as stylish, hip, interesting, and desirable on levels unconnected with mundane IT concerns. There are plenty of legitimate technical reasons to prefer the Mac platform, both in terms of hardware and software, but those are secondary, I think, to the appeal of the stores.

Apple also offers a unity of design and function as well as a delightful marriage of hardware and software that Microsoft simply can't match (this "we make both" angle is a nontrivial aspect to Mac reliability). Microsoft, on the other hand, has a broad and confusing suite of products, but doesn't sell any computers at all unless you count the XBox.

Further, Apple enjoys tremendous channel control; it's next to impossible to buy a new Mac for much less than retail, so a buyer doesn't hurt themselves financially by doing their deal at an Apple store vs. ordering online. Microsoft's gear and software, on the other hand, is traditionally deeply discounted by resellers, and MS won't be able to compete with or undercut those prices without poisoning their own channel. End result: High prices at MS retail, lower prices at Amazon, and no crowds at the shops.

Sony, Dell, and Gateway all tried to do the retail thing, and unless I'm wholly incorrect none of them managed (or have managed) to make the shops interesting from a financial perspective. Nobody ever stood in line for anything these guys made, and the same is true for Microsoft. IT managers herald the next rev of Exchange Server, sure, and those stung by Vista await Windows 7 with cautious optimism, but none of those guys are going to stand in line for their upgrades.

Look for the Microsoft stores to be awkward, weird, and without obvious charm -- which is more or less what happens every time MS apes something someone else did without understanding why the other party was successful.

Grandstanding douchebag Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott has arrested 8 in a quest to charge Michael Phelps in connection with candid party pictures appearing to show him smoking pot.

In a guns-drawn raid on college kids,

deputies seized four laptop computers, a desktop computer and a computer storage drive from his client's home -- supposedly to try to find evidence against Phelps, Harpootlian said, adding they refused his request Wednesday to return the items to his client.

This over a case that is, at best, simple possession, a misdemeanor in South Carolina (and nearly every other state as well).

Nice.

More running foolishness

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Today I broke 5 miles; prior runs advertised as "about 5" were in the 4.7 to 4.8 range; this one was 5.04 according to Garmin, and I covered it in a little over an hour -- average pace just over 13, including just three walking songs. Bit by bit...

At the uber-elite TED conference during his presentation on the eradication of malaria, he did something fantastic:

"Malaria is spread by mosquitoes," Gates said while opening a jar onstage at the Technology, Entertainment, Design Conference — a gathering known to attract technology kings, politicians, and Hollywood stars.

"I brought some. Here I'll let them roam around. There is no reason only poor people should be infected."

Of course, the mosquitos released at TED weren't malarial vectors, but the point was made, and I suspect he had everyone's attention for the remainder of his talk.

FanTAStic.

(Note: I thought this was already posted back on the 5th, but here it is in the "drafts" box. Oops.)

Attn: Space Scientists

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In an unprecedented space collision, a commercial Iridium communications satellite and a defunct Russian satellite ran into each other Tuesday above northern Siberia, creating a cloud of wreckage, officials said today.

Was this event (a) sort of inevitable or (b) bizarrely unlikely?

In which people are thanked, publically

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If you, in the course of the holiday season, were to be gifted with some fine Imperial-pint sized beer glasses by certain Jackson-area attorneys, and were then to, after a post-holiday period of abstention, acquire some fine, fine beer to enjoy in said glasses, two things might come to mind:

  1. "Goodness me! This beer is actually much better in the pint glass, owing probably to the greater ability to smell the beer!"; and

  2. "Why, as God as my witness, it seems a crime against humanity and Christendom that modern beers are served in such paltry 12-oz bottles; my fine Imperial Pint glasses have room for much more beer than that!"

That is all.

Overheard

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There are apparently now bars in the world wherein one may order a "Captain Sullenberger," which consists of two shots of Grey Goose vodka and a splash of water, shaken.

This is indescribably fantastic.

Obama, Secrets, and the Lapdog Press

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I'm still pissed off about the Obama position on the extraordinary rendition lawsuit -- that, basically, the whole lawsuit must be quashed because it endangers state secrets, which is exactly the position of the Bush administration. I think Glenn Greenwald at Salon pretty much nails it, along with what's wrong with the press supposedly covering Washington and presumably entrusted with holding them accountable.

I was going to excerpt, but you should really just go read the whole thing, including Greenwald's excoriation of the twin douchebags over at the Atlantic, Andy Sullivan and Mark Armbinder, who are now behaving more like stenographers than reporters.

Running Redux

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I'm doing it again. I said I hated it, but I'm doing it anyway.

I had a private moment in the Jos. A. Banks dressing room about six months ago (wherein I had to opt for the size above "38"), and consciously decided that, after the holidays, it was all going to change -- and, shockingly, it has. I set my sights low to begin with, and just decided I'd do two things:

  1. Eat better by keeping healthy foods in the house. I have a tendency to take the path of least resistance, foodwise, so this is key. Keeping healthy choices around means I eat healthy things.

  2. Take an hour-long walk every day. I've run in the past, and can't go daily, but walking I figure I can do. In an hour, I'd typically go something around 3.2-3.5 miles, depending on pace road choice and whatnot.

I kept to that for January, more or less -- there were still pizzas and walk-less days, but precious few -- and managed to lose ten pounds. Then we got to February, and my walks seemed to need a little something. Then I got to last Thursday and a similarly private yet completely opposite moment in my own closet: formerly tight pants fit again.

Well, there's nothing like positive reinforcement, so on Friday my walk became about half walk, half run, and I ended up going 4.09 miles, according to Google. It's not a great pace, but it's my pace.

I thought the run was going to be a one-off, and returned to walking on Saturday (faster: 3.7 miles) . . . and then on Sunday I did the half-and-half again (just over 4).

And then I got tired of mapping these things manually after Gary told me about the Garmin running GPS devices, and in a moment of weakness I popped for one on Sunday. Today's run was my first time out with it, and it's really encouraging to see pace and distance in real time. It's even more fun for a geek like me to have this data -- and even period data, by miles! -- available later. How fast was my first mile? My second? Am I keeping pace? It's all right there, and that's neat. (Today: 4.7mi in 1:05.)

Even better, the GPS will spit out mapping info that sites like MapMyRun.com (as well as Garmin's own MotionBased.com) will map using GMaps, even creating embed-able maps like below. Delightful.

Well, sort of. MapMyRun is completely overrun with ads and geegaws, and if there were a better option I'd jump on it in a heartbeat. My friend Andrea suggests RunningAhead.com, but that site, while cool, doesn't seem to do data import at all yet (at least not inside the browser, which Garmin publishes a plugin for -- that's how MMR works). It's also essentially the work of one guy, which makes me nervous -- I'd rather use a site with a business plan (though, in RA's defense, it does appear to be endorsed by Runner's World).

So, Heathen Nation, any suggestions on online running logs with GPS integration?

Extraordinary Disappointment

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Much -- most! -- of what the new administration has done since January 20 has been an unalloyed joy. We have unambiguous pledges to close Gitmo, to withdraw from Iraq, to comply rather than obfuscate FOIA requests, and the Mexico City gag rule is no longer in effect.

In many ways, such behavior makes the Obama administration's stance on extraordinary rendition and state secrets all the more disappointing.

Wow.

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The Catholic Church is selling indulgences again.

Dept. of Mysteries

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Amazon's launched a new Kindle with significant improvements today, about 15 months after the original device's launch in November 2007. However, they've failed a key point: Apple, for example, tends to increase features over time while decreasing price, but the baffler here is that the new Kindle is still $360 -- or about the price of a basic laptop.

It's a neat toy, but I'm not sure I really want one at that price point. It's too delicate-looking. At $199, it's compelling. At nearly twice that, it's something I think I'd only really want if I were on an airplane much more often than I am now.

Dept. of Duh

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Turns out, replacing the eartips and filters on your Etymotic 6i headphones can result in a nontrivial increase in fidelity, especially if you use them a lot, and have had them for over four years and use them fairly frequently. So, you know, do that.

BTW, if you fly a lot -- or, really, at all -- you can't beat these Etys (unless you go upmarket, and buy nicer Etys; the 6i set is designed for use with mp3 decks, and therefore don't require an extra amp). The "in-ear" monitor style of headphone produces more sonic isolation than any of the big, bulky active noise-reduction phones from Sony or Bose, and are much easier to carry. They're not cheap, but few genuinely high-quality things are. (Plus, about an hour into a long flight with a chatty seatmate, the the prospect of $150 headphones will seem like a bargain. Trust me. I know things.)

But for the intersection of "Democrats" and "Gamers," the US Democracy Server Patch Notes - v44.0 will be very funny indeed.

Dept. of Weird Internet Video

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My assumption is that this has some context I'm just not getting, but as a non sequitur it's freakish and hilarious.

If you give empowered people the additional power of seizing goods without a burden of proof, eventually you get situations like this:

TENAHA — A two-decade-old state law that grants authorities the power to seize property used in a crime is wielded by some agencies against people who are never charged with, much less convicted, of a crime.

Law enforcement authorities in this East Texas town of 1,000 people seized property from at least 140 motorists between 2006 and 2008, and, to date, filed criminal charges against fewer than half, according to a San Antonio Express-News review of court documents.

Virtually anything of value was up for grabs: cash, cell phones, personal jewelry, a pair of sneakers, and often, the very car that was being driven through town. Some affidavits filed by officers relied on the presence of seemingly innocuous property as the only evidence that a crime had occurred.

Linda Dorman, a great-grandmother from Akron, Ohio, had $4,000 in cash taken from her by local authorities when she was stopped while driving through town after visiting Houston in April 2007. Court records make no mention that anything illegal was found in her van and show no criminal charges filed in the case. She is still waiting for the return of what she calls “her life savings.”

Dorman’s attorney, David Guillory, calls the roadside stops and seizures in Tenaha “highway piracy,” undertaken by a couple of law enforcement officers whose agencies get to keep most of what is seized.

This is robbery, plain and simple, and the officers involved should be charged as such, or at least held personally liable together with the state. Seizing property without a conviction is simply obscene, and will lead to abuses like these no matter what supposed "safeguards" lawmakers try to incorporate.

(HT: Cathy.)

"I love Jesus, but I drink a little."

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It appears unclear if Gladys Hardy is a real person or not, but what IS clear is that her telephone conversation with Ellen DeGeneres is a scream.

Wow. Bank of America just got MORE evil

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They're trying to suggest to survivors that they may be liable for a dead parent's debt -- apparently as a matter of policy.

Paul Kelleher: Yes, I'm calling to inform you that my mom died on the 24th of January.

Bank of America Estates representative: I'm sorry. Oh, it looks like she never even missed a payment. That's too bad. Well, how are you planning to take care of her balance?

PK: I'm not going to. She has no estate to speak of, but you should feel free to just go through the standard probate procedure. I'm certainly not legally obligated to pay for her.

BOA: You mean you're not going to help her out?

PK: I wouldn't be helping her out -- she's dead. I'd be helping you out.

BOA: Oh, that's really not the way to look at it. I know that if it were my mother, I'd pay it. That's why we're in the banking crisis we're in: banks having to write off defaulted loans.

The rep's apparent intention, as Kelleher described it, was to mislead him into believing that he was obligated -- at first legally, then, failing that, morally -- to cover his mother's debt (which, in any case, was not large: she had had a $1000 limit on her card). Of course, Kelleher was sophisticated enough to know that's not true. But how many other less savvy callers in similar situations, he wondered, might respond to the rep's breezy "how are you planning to take care of her balance?," with a confused "I guess I'll mail in a check"?

Wow. Classy move, BofA. Remind me to start using you oh, NEVER.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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In re: the previously reported dumbassery of the freshly-hired Tennessee coach: SEC To Kiffin: Shut up, dumbass.

University of Tennessee football coach Lane Kiffin was issued a public reprimand by Southeastern Conference Commissioner Mike Slive for accusing Florida's Urban Meyer of a recruiting violation during his pursuit of Pahokee, Fla. wide receiver NuKeese Richardson.

During a recruiting celebration banquet Thursday morning, Kiffin alleged that Meyer repeatedly called Richardson while he was on his official visit to UT.

[...]

However, that's not an NCAA violation, or against SEC rules, but Kiffin's comments were.

"œCoach Kiffin has violated the Southeastern Conference Code of Ethics," Slive said in a release. "œSEC Bylaw 10.5.1 clearly states that coaches and administrators shall refrain from directed public criticism of other member institutions, their staffs or players.

"The phone call to which Coach Kiffin referred to in his public comments is not a violation of SEC or NCAA rules. We expect our coaches to have an understanding and knowledge of conference and NCAA rules."

Dumbass.

Dept. of Random Internet Silliness

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In which we are impressed

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I finally got around to playing with iTunes' "Genius" feature. Frankly, the hype and expectations were such that I figured it would suck, so it just wasn't on my radar. I'm not even sure why I gave it a whirl today.

Holy Crap.

Feeding it "Neighborhood #1" from Arcade Fire's first as a seed, it then spat out 24 tracks from my library that, as it turns out, I wanted to hear right now. The list:

genius-playlist.png

Yeah, this is gonna get used. If you haven't played with Genius, do so. Today.

Kellogg's can suck it

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They've dropped Michael Phelps.

The Agitator puts this in context, and reminds us that the Onion was on this kind of thing 11 years ago.

Warren Ellis FTW

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Here's the response to the absurd "EX-masturbator" shirts from yesterday.

Today's Brane Hurt

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Animatronic bears from the Rock-afire Explosion Band do Arcade Fire:

From the Quote of the Day mailing list

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"I am seriously glad to be here tonight at the annual Alfalfa dinner. I know that many you are aware that this dinner began almost one hundred years ago as a way to celebrate the birthday of General Robert E. Lee. If he were here with us tonight, the General would be 202 years old. And very confused."

Barack Obama, U.S. President.

More insight...

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Here's something I didn't know

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Christian Bale's (final) stepmother? Gloria Steinem. Apparently, the elder Bale was fairly notable in his own right.

Weird.

Thanks to their brilliant financial maneuver previously mentioned here, Porsche's 2008 profits actually exceed their revenues.

Porsche's profits before taxes of $11.6 billion in the fiscal year ended in July were actually larger than its total revenues from sales of $10.2 billion. Not even Google has profits exceeding 100%. Only 12% of Porsche's profits came from making cars.

[...]

In 2005 the CEO started buying into VW, at a time when VW stock was below $50. Today it's at almost $400, and in October it briefly hit more than twice that when Porsche revealed that it indirectly owned options to acquire 74% of VW. (Analysts are guessing that the company is paying an average price for VW stock of $100 to $150 per share.)

The announcement sparked such a panic by short-sellers that the company offered to boost liquidity by selling options on more than 3% of VW stock - making in the process another tidy profit that Goldman Sachs estimates to be about $8 billion.

By having options on so many of the shares, there really weren't enough shares for those shorting the stock to make good on their promises, producing the drastic run-up in the VW price -- and an absurdly huge windfall for Porsche.

LOL.

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Obama, apparently a bit of a dick:

5yxcu0.jpg

(Stolen from Reddit, hosted here because the original is on some ephemeral photosharing site.)

...but apparently just moving to Knoxville makes you a douche. Freshly hired Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin is accusing Florida coach Urban Meyer of recruiting violations before he's even coached a down, and for no apparent reason.

Precis: Kiffin signed a sought-after Florida prospect (Nu'Keese Richardson) that Meyer was also pursuing. Kiffin is sore that Meyer called Richardson while he was on an official visit to Knoxville, but that's no violation. Kiffin's just wasting no time in making sure everyone in the SEC knows he's a whiner even when he wins, so at least he's got that going for him.

Florida AD Jeremy Foley:

"There was no rule violation and we have confirmed this with Southeastern Conference. It is obvious that Coach Kiffin doesn't know that there is not a rule precluding phone contact with a prospect during an official visit on another campus during a contact period. His allegations are inappropriate, out of line and, most importantly, totally false. It is completely unfair to Urban Meyer, our coaching staff, our football program and our institution. The appropriate action at this time in my opinion is for Coach Kiffin to make a public apology.

Nice one, Rockytop. Can't wait to whip your sorry butts again next year.

(via Edgar.)

No more Goo-Goo Muck. Dammit.

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Lux Interior is dead. You don't know who he was, maybe, but you know the sounds he made with The Cramps, and you know the CBGB crowd he ran with.

It's been shocking to most of the people I've talked to about Interior that he was an astounding 62 years old, hardly an age associated with transgressive psychobilly music, but there it is. Interior was born in October of 1946 into a bland and banal postwar world, and founded the Cramps in 1973. Interior and his lifelong companion Poison Ivy were the among the first to blend punk or pre-punk ideas with rockabilly, and created a sound more or less all their own.

The horrible and sad thing is this: Arguably the most significant and important generation of American rock musicians came through CBGB in the early-to-mid 1970s, and they were mostly 20 to 25 years old at the time, and with some outliers were therefore mostly born between 1945 and 1955. These people were born into prosperous postwar America, with radio shows and Ed Sullivan and Elvis, and somehow managed to create something entirely new. It was these bands -- the Cramps, Talking Heads, Blondie, Patti Smith, Misfits, Dead Boys, Television, the Ramones, New York Dolls, the Velvet Underground, and others -- that shaped a good chunk of what's interesting in modern rock music, and it's these bands that are growing older at an alarming rate.

Losing Dee Dee, in 2002, and Johnny, in 2004 -- both born in 1951 -- was the first shock, but we're in for some more. These guys weren't choirboys, and the elder statesmen in the group are closer to 70 than 60 (John Cale and Lou Reed, both born in 1942; Sterling Morrison, born the same year, got cancer and died young at 53).

Go listen to something loud, weird, and incomprehensible to your parents, since God knows that's what Lux would want you to do, and it's probably what the rest of the CBGB crowd would like, too. (Even if many of them are older than your parents; Mrs Heathen's mom is younger than Debbie Harry or Lou Reed.)

(Has the great CBGB musical documentary been made yet? It's probably not punk rock to want one, but I sure as hell do.)

(Lots more Cramps goodness at The Daily Swarm.)

The hip-hop-Christian "p4cm" folks have an amusing line of shirts available, and they seem especially keen on getting the word about about becoming an EX-masturbator. They suggest you also follow the link and read -- sorry: "hit up" -- their new article inventively titled "Masturbation," which is so full of evangelical-speak that it's almost indecipherable:

And God's method of operation for sex is marriage. He created the fibers of sex to be so strong that it could only be contained in the confines of marriage. What is marriage, that only It can contain the orgasm? Because only a contractual covenant can contain something so strong...Anything outside that method would self destruct. Any other orgasm achieved outside of marriage couldn't handle its intense, explosive, addictive, domineering, gripping force without repercussions. Yes, you could very well achieve and very much well, enjoy one, but not without suffering the impact of its climactic aftershocks. Yes, I just said it, Church! Yes, the tremors may feel good, but the aftermath, the consequences of an illegal orgasm is traumatic. You can reach the heights of sexual stimulation during masturbation, but can you handle its control over your life?

Isn't it a little, I dunno, creepy to push this kind of scaremongering about Rosy Palms and her Five Sisters in 2009? Also, how 'bout that grammar? Our official Heathen advice is to stop worrying about solo diddling and put that energy into something actually constructive. Item one on their new to-do list should probably be a proper composition class.

Parts of the world I don't understand

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Someone please explain this to me:

EDF33C4D-D06B-4BC5-A0D6-AA3F3F705DDF.jpg

Dept. of Excellent Game Reviews

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The gaming press has been all a-twitter about the PS3-exclusive side-scroller Little Big Planet, largely because of how friendly the user-created content tools are.

Zero Punctuation's review puts all this in delightfully snarky context.

Wil Wheaton Hates You

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Why else, I ask you, would he post weird videos like this? Go on and watch it; you know you want to. SFW.

Principles of the American Cargo Cult

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Via Making Light, we find this nearly perfect encapsulation of modern American non-think. The author explains:

I wrote these principles after reflecting on the content of contemporary newspapers and broadcast media and why that content disquieted me. I saw that I was not disturbed so much by what was written or said as I was by what is not. The tacit assumptions underlying most popular content reflect a worldview that is orthogonal to reality in many ways. By reflecting this skewed weltanschauung, the media reinforces and propagates it.

I call this worldview the American Cargo Cult, after the real New Guinea cargo cults that arose after the second world war. There are four main points, each of which has several elaborating assumptions. I really do think that most Americans believe these things at a deep level, and that these misbeliefs constantly underlie bad arguments in public debate.

His outline is simple, clear, and almost completely right as far as I can tell. He begins with:

I. Ignorance is innocence

Complicated explanations are suspect

The world is simple, and there must be a simple explanation for everything.

Certainty is strength, doubt is weakness

Admitting alternatives is undermining one's own belief.

Changing one's mind means one has wasted the time spent holding the prior opinion.

Your opinion matters as much as anyone else's

When a person has studied a topic, he has no more real knowledge than you do, just a hidden agenda.

Hey, I said it was probably true, not likely to cause you to think kindly on your fellow man.

Aloysius's reaction to Madonna's recent pinups suggests her as a companion for certain undead video-game monarchs, and includes the full-of-win comment "She truly is the distaff's Keef Richards."

What a REAL apology looks like

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The Senate Sergeant-at-arms -- i.e., the fellow ultimate responsible for the crowd problems on Inauguration Day -- has joined Facebook to post an exhaustive and complete apology for the problems some encountered trying to enter their seating areas, including the "tunnel of doom" problem.

It doesn't make it right for those who couldn't see the event despite having tickets (fairly fancy, privileged tickets, even -- it was Blues and Purples who had trouble, not lowly Silvers like Mrs Heathen and I), but it certainly IS refreshing to see a public figure issue such an honest mea culpa.

Nerdery of a different stripe

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So, a question has burned in a certain community for some time about Senator, then President-elect, and now President Obama. It's a terribly important one, at least in a certain group, and that question is of course: "What watch does Barack Obama wear?"

Well, wonder no more. Short answer: he wore a fairly uninteresting TAG-Heuer until August of 2007, when his Secret Service detail gave him a watch for his 46th birthday (purchased from the Secret Service employees' store).

It's this big black chronograph that's been in most of the campaign pictures, his official portrait, and that was on his wrist when he took the oath. No, you can't buy one, at least not like his; they're not that expensive, but they are limited to Secret Service employees.

Aren't you glad that's settled?

What Phelps SHOULD say

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Radley Balko weighs in on the non-troversy of twentysomething aquatic wunderkind Michael Phelps getting high.

Dept. of Chickens, Roosting

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Back when I was in the RFID business, we first started hearing rumblings of the colossally stupid notion of putting RFID chips in U.S. passports. Predictably and in true "Gummit Security" fashion, those in charge dismissed complaints from RFID and private-sector security experts with vague handwaving and unresponsive answers despite the fact that the approach was doomed to compromise almost immediately. No-contact data reads on a piece of ID? Why? And what the hell are you thinking?

Well, it turns out they really weren't thinking at all, at least beyond "hey! RFID is cool!" A hacker has already put together a drive-by passport cloner/reader using only $250 worth of off the shelf parts. Color me completely unsurprised.

The digital equivalent of tire-squealing

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So, when I got my first Porsche, I had a great time. I wrapped it around corners and shot off the line at stoplights and in general drove like it was meant to be driven, recognizing that doing so was wasteful and silly and, thanks to the softness of Z-rated tires, expensive.

The analogy breaks down at the tire point, since there's no lasting cost associated with this kind of showing-off, but otherwise this 200 apps open and Expose-enaged screenshot of a Mac is definitely in the same category of silly trick. You couldn't do what I did in my Porsche in a Camry, and you can't do this with a Windows machine, but neither activity is particularly useful.

But they're cool.

Ouch.

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Since the meltdown began, I've been studiously following a practice that I was actually first advised of in a far better market environment: Do not open your retirement statements.

Well, at year end, you sort of have to, since they send you tax info that you'll need for the 1040 process.

Ouch. 12/31/2008 value? About half the 12/31/2007 value, even in a mix of fairly conservative funds also age-indexed to gradually reduce risk. Christ.

Lies, damned lies, and the lapdog media

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New RNC chair told CNN pseudo-journalist Wolf Blitzer "Not in the history of mankind has the government ever created a job."

Really? As TPM points out -- and as every reasonably intelligent Heathen should know for themselves in Houston, of all places -- this is utterly obvious bullshit. Thousands and thousands of people beg to differ, working as they do for organizations like NASA, or the military, or the park service, or any of an alphabet soup of Federal or state agencies that provide services we all take for granted.

Of course, we expect Republicans to traffic in absurdly transparent lies. What's nearly criminal here is that Blitzer did nothing to challenge the lie. Tell us again about the "liberal media," Republicans. Really.

Dept. of Open Letters

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Dear Layla,

So, a week or so ago, your Aunt and I went to Washington to see something amazing happen. What made it even more exceptional to us is the fact that for you, in your life, it will always be simple history, just as "men walking on the moon" is a boring fact for your Dad and I but astonishing science fiction come true for your grandmother. Barack Obama became the 44th president of the United States on January 20, 2009, and your Aunt Bo and I got to be there to see it happen, standing in the cold about 450 feet from the podium, in an astonishing crowd of 2 million amazed Americans.

We got this extreme pleasure because Erin worked her ass off on the Obama campaign here in Houston, organizing phone banks and canvassing squads, managing other volunteers, and generally making herself as indispensable to the local DNC and OFA staffers as she always is to me. This got us "Silver" class standing tickets, which put us in the outermost ticketed area -- people behind us were ticketless, standing on the National Mall. (We found out later that we apparently were lucky to have the Silvers; some folks in the nicer, closer Blue and Purple sections were victims of crowd management gone bad, and never got in.) From where we stood, we could barely discern the podium, but we could see the Jumbotron quite clearly, and the PA system worked fine. We had no trouble hearing the speeches, the music, or Justice Roberts bollocksing up the oath.

Without these tickets, I'm not sure we would have tried to go -- I hope we would have; being there is now one of my most treasured experiences, and rates on the list only a few slots behind the first time I held you. But we got the tickets, and Erin's brother-in-law's mom had room for us in Chevy Chase not far from the Bethesda metro stop, and we had the frequent flier miles to keep us from having to spend a fortune on plane tickets, so to DC we went. My boss was envious and supportive despite the crunch we were under at the time, and even texted me to cheer for him on Tuesday. (Of course, owing to the overloaded cell network, I didn't get the text until well after the Inauguration was over. I'm confident our cheer volume was sufficient, though.)

The frequent flier mile tickets put us up there early, on Saturday, which was fine with Erin and I since we have friends in the District. We stayed with our friend Tony in Virginia that first night. His apartment was full of his kids' artwork, and seeing all that gave me the same good feeling I always have when I see Tony and his kids. It's neat to see who this guy from college grew up to be, which I'm sure is a feeling you'll get someday. Anyway, we went out to dinner with Tony on Saturday, and then drove into the District to do some nighttime monument photography. It was super cold, and we froze our butts off wandering around from the Washington Monument all the way down to the Lincoln Memorial.

Something weird was going on when we arrived there; music was playing, and we could see shapes moving on the jumbotrons set up for Sunday's Inaugural concert. We assumed it was a sound-and-systems-check of some kind -- it was already about 9:00, and no one was out -- but as we got closer we could recognize the singer. First, it was James Taylor, and we joked about "what kind of weirdo does a soundcheck with James Taylor," but then it became an unknown voice singing "American Pie," and we were close enough by then to be able to tell from the screens that it was someone actually performing. We just couldn't tell who it was until we got a bit closer, when one of us said "Is that Garth Brooks singing American Pie which a choir?" Yes, yes it was. We figure it was a soundcheck or something -- there was literally no crowd beyond those working the event -- so it was kind of weird. Brooks, for his part, has been largely absent from American popular culture for at least 10 years now, so recognizing him (especially without his trademark hat) was sort of a challenge.

When we came back to the Mall on Sunday for the concert, it was with about 400,000 other people. The area around the Lincoln's reflecting pool was a sea of people, all bundled up against the cold and forecast, but never actual, snow. A somewhat bizarre who's-who of artists played that afternoon in honor of the new president-elect, from Bruce Springsteen to U2 to the 89-year-old folk icon Pete Seeger (and Brooks, natch, this time in his black hat). Actors read from significant speeches between musical numbers, and we all got a little taste of what Tuesday's throngs would be like. It was here, on Sunday, that we first encountered the "friendliest massive throng of humanity EVER" phenomenon, as strangers willingly parted to reunite separated people, shoving was almost unheard of, and smiling epidemic. People danced and sang along, and listened intently when Obama spoke at the end of the afternoon. We were very, very cold when we made our way back to the Metro, but also excited and pleased and hopeful.

Monday was our less busy day; we were by this point working out of Virginia Ceasar's home in Maryland, enjoying wonderful hospitality at a price you can't beat (i.e., free). She was delightful to us, constantly ferrying us to the Metro at a moment's notice, and for that Erin and I remain very grateful. We met up with the "Texans for Obama" crowd at a downtown brewpub for lunch, which turned out to be a delightful if insanely crowded affair. Erin's crack squad of volunteers was there -- including Paddy, a young man from Dublin who was so inspired by Obama that he took leave and flew to the US to volunteer on the campaign -- along with the Texas-wide muckety-mucks and at least one surprise: an old friend of mine, long since moved to El Paso, had done a huge share of volunteering in West Texas since her husband worked for the DNC out there. It's always fun to run into people in faraway places, but it was especially cool to add that kind of fun on top of the emotional high of Inauguration week.

Tuesday came quickly enough. The inauguration was set to begin at 11:30, as I recall, but we left Virginia's before 8:00. She, of course, took us to the Metro station, fortunately on the same line as the Mall exit we planned to use to get to our section, Judiciary Square. The throng effect was already in place when we emerged just north of the Mall about half an hour later, and from that point on we pretty much stayed in a massive crowd until about 2:30 that afternoon.

There was some confusion about the proper walking route from north-of-the-Mall to the Silver entrance point on the south side, but eventually we did locate the path -- which involved, hilariously, walking through an underground tunnel ordinarily closed to pedestrians. Walking, walking, and more walking ensued, until finally we found what we thought was the Silver entrance line. We followed it, and followed it, and followed it some more for about 45 minutes before we found what we thought was the end of it at about 9:45, our hearts sinking since the mile+ of line was not moving, and we were terribly afraid we'd be standing in line until well after the Inauguration was over.

In a gesture of absurd hope, I left Erin in the line and jogged about 20 yards over to a red-capped Inauguration volunteer to ask what was up. His answer saved our day: "yeah, the line's broken and doesn't lead anywhere. Just go back towards the entrance just west of the Indian museum, and you'll get in there." I yelled for Erin, and we ran for it, just ahead of a general announcement to the rest of the line. Lucky, lucky, lucky.

When we got the gate, we were cheek-by-jowl with hundreds if not thousands of other people all trying to move in roughly the same direction. (The upside of this was that it was the only time all day that both of us were warm.) Eventually, an opening happened, and we started to slowly "flow" into the Silver area, but we'd have been fine if we'd had to stay where we were: from there, at least, we could see the Capitol, and hear the PA.

We reached security soon enough. I assumed a full patdown was about to happen -- I hadn't even brought a pocketknife -- but the crowds were such that they were just more or less waving people through to try to prevent a stampede, I guess. They never even checked our ticket, and by 10:30 we were standing at a fence separating us from 3rd street. A few minutes later we realized we could easily get much closer, and that's when we relocated to our ultimate spot only a couple dozen yards back from the Capitol's reflecting pool.

Looking back across the Mall, all the way back to the Washington Monument, there was an uninterrupted sea of people. Later, they said 2 million, but the Park Service -- who control and maintain the Mall -- no longer does official projections, so we'll probably never know how many folks really were there. (It's a fair bet that more will claim to have been there than actually were, too.) Where we were, we once again encountered the bizarre "friendly crowd" vibe so totally unusual for anyone used to big crowds -- and when I say "big crowds," I mean 50,000 or 100,000 at a major sporting event, not twenty times that for an event of global sociopolitical importance. No shoving. "Here, you dropped your glove." "Need another handwarmer? I have extras." "Let me take y'all's picture." And smiles, smiles, smiles. I got goosebumps as we stood, watching the former presidents -- Carter, George H. W. Bush, Clinton, and the incumbent -- file in, and we all laughed and smiled some more when the cameras caught Obama's daughters fidgeting and taking pictures of their own. Soon their dad stood, hand on the Lincoln bible, and took the Oath 42 other men took before him. (Quick quiz: why is the 44th president but only the 43rd man to take the oath?)

For your aunt and I, and for your parents, this election was more about getting our country back than anything else. Bush's ruinous policies were hostile to growth, hostile to civil liberties, hostile to our national prestige, destructive to our alliances, and hateful to the principles on which our country was founded. Obama came from seemingly out of the blue in 2004 with a convention speech about fixing all that, and emerged quickly as a truly inspiring frontrunner even in the Democratic primaries two years later. The more he spoke, the more specifics of policy he proposed, and the more class he showed as a candidate, the more supporters he gained. He was the anti-Bush, but also a candidate of vision unlike any we've had in a generation or more. Clinton won twice, but he won by being better at the political game than the hangdog Republicans he ran against, and he was aided in both his elections by a freakshow third-party candidate that sapped support from the Right. Obama just plain WON, and in a way that reminded more than a few folks of RFK's aborted campaign 40 years ago.

So there's that, and this was emotional and incredible and hopeful, and it was this change that inspired many people, like me, to give money to a candidate for the first time, and to volunteer more time and effort than they'd ever given before. This was a huge opportunity, and one none of us wanted to blow.

But there was something else happening here, too, and it's the thing I alluded to at the beginning of this letter. Barack Obama is an African-american. He may not be descended from American slaves, like his wife and children, but to the rednecks of our ancestral home that doesn't matter, and by the time you're old enough to read this you'll know well the hateful terms those sorts of people would use for a man who looks like Obama. Bigots notwithstanding, America's promise as laid forth in our Declaration of Independence does not stutter, and it does not equivocate: We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

This has been a promise unkept for most of country's history. For the first hundred years, we kept our collective fingers crossed, and whispered "um, except slaves," and called it ok. For the next hundred, we said everyone was free, but instituted a shameful system of separation and substandard services for black Americans, a situation only partly remedied by the 60s and the civil rights era. People fought and died to make the Declaration true at Concord, yes, but also at Gettysburg, and also in quiet and not so quiet ways in Mississippi and Alabama in the 1960s. Evil men murdered peaceful idealists only a few years before I was born, and it took the intervention of the National Guard to integrate schools and ensure the Voting Rights Act wasn't a sick joke. I grew up hearing "good" men, friends of your grandfather, tell racist jokes well into the 1970s. I have friends from college, born after the moon shot, who nevertheless have the memory of being called "nigger" to their face. It's not dead, not yet anyway.

This is also all history for you. This also part of the litany of names and dates and places some terribly boring teacher has tried to cram into your head at some point. But let me tell you: no matter how amazing and moved and happy Erin and I were to watch Barack Obama take that oath last Tuesday at what your dad and I called "the end of an Error," our happiness cannot compare to the collective joy of the African-Americans in that Inaugural crowd. An older black couple, about your Grandmother Green's age, stood near us. If I'm right about their ages, the were born in the war, and remember Selma and lunch counters and colored-only water fountains and the absurdity of great jazz musicians playing in clubs where they couldn't get served. But on Tuesday, the 20th of January, 2009, they watched as American moved from Jim Crow to Barack Obama in a single lifetime, a transition that a makes your great-great grandmother Anise's stores of moving from horseback to 747 seem like a hop over a puddle.

This is why so many people went to Washington. The hope and the change and the promise after eight years of Bush, yes, but behind that a groundswell of amazement and pride and happiness about the way we were getting the change we needed. In 1938, Langston Hughes wrote "America never was America to me, And yet I swear this oath -- America will be!" In 2009, we got a lot closer to being what Hughes was talking about, to being who we said we'd be in 1776. We aren't there yet. We'll probably never get there; the ideals Jefferson set out are almost impossible, and assume our better Angels will always hold sway, but they are who we say we want to be. America is an aspirational state. But it's that American optimism that makes me believe that by the time you're old enough to read this, we'll be even closer to that ideal than we are now, in January of 2009.

Love,

Uncle Chet

CC: Caroline, Natalie, and a nephew to be named later

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