No, really:

[E]ven more scary than that is the article notes that the TSA admits that it’s really bad at finding weapons, saying that the “failure rate” of tests is reaching 70% at some major airports and at some airports “every test gun, bomb part or knife got past screeners.” So, while scanners are looking at or touching your crotch, they’re apparently not bothering to look for guns. Comforting.

Popular Mechanics interviews Bruce Schneier. Madcap hilarity ensues.

Bruce Schneier is a renowned security professional; his editorial in the Times on the TSA begins thusly:

A short history of airport security: We screen for guns and bombs, so the terrorists use box cutters. We confiscate box cutters and corkscrews, so they put explosives in their sneakers. We screen footwear, so they try to use liquids. We confiscate liquids, so they put PETN bombs in their underwear. We roll out full-body scanners, even though they wouldn’t have caught the Underwear Bomber, so they put a bomb in a printer cartridge. We ban printer cartridges over 16 ounces — the level of magical thinking here is amazing — and they’re going to do something else.

This is a stupid game, and we should stop playing it.

It’s not even a fair game. It’s not that the terrorist picks an attack and we pick a defense, and we see who wins. It’s that we pick a defense, and then the terrorists look at our defense and pick an attack designed to get around it. Our security measures only work if we happen to guess the plot correctly. If we get it wrong, we’ve wasted our money. This isn’t security; it’s security theater.

A Talking Points Memo reader writes in with his thoughts on the TSA checkpoints. A taste:

I’m a lawyer. I go through security checkpoints all the time. Went through one at the local criminal courthouse this morning. They x-rayed my stuff, sent me through a metal detector, and then had me come back through it to pick up my stuff when they were done looking at it on the monitor. Done. 30 seconds. The lawyer’s line at the courthouse is ever-so-slightly less rigid than the general public line (if it’s obviously my belt buckle setting off the detector, they’ve never made me take it off; they’ve learned to accept that lawyers often keep calendars on their smartphones so we don’t have to check them before entering the building, though they check to make sure the ringer is off), but even the general public line is pretty much what we were used to pre-9/11. X ray machine. Metal detector. Wand if they can’t quickly figure out what’s setting off the detector. Pat downs only if you’re still setting off the detector and nothing’s visible. 45 seconds or a minute, tops. And you know, a rather substantial percentage of the people who go through the line to get into a criminal courthouse are people out on bail, some of whom are actual dangerous criminals. And a lot of the others are people who are witnesses to crimes whose presence is not exactly welcomed by the criminal element. Honestly, this new TSA genital-feeling stuff goes further than I’ve ever had to go through to even go into a prison. They cavity search prisoners for drugs and weapons, of course, but lawyers and other visitors? Not in my experience. Not in this northeastern state. Not unless they’re pretty damn sure you’re carrying contraband. And we’ve had, what, 3 attempted bombing incidents post-9/11? Out of how many scheduled flights? I just did the math. Over 150 million worldwide. That’s one attempt per 50 million flights.

Go read the whole thing.

Well, turns out, they won’t say, as it’s a state secret — which, to us, means “no.”

TSA Agents Absolutely Hate The New Pat Downs, and find them demoralizing.

TSA weasel John Pistole notes that the new pornoscanners are supposed to turn up artfully concealed objects not previously discovered, and which the TSA’s own testing showed were easy to get on planes. I assume he means things like small knives or razorblades too small to trigger the metal detector.

Here’s the thing: I’m sure hundreds or thousands of such objects, if not more, make it onto planes every day. And I’m equally sure it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference to my safety. It’s impossible to hijack an airliner today. That game is over for the bad guys. The 9/11 trick didn’t even work all day on 9/11, and now it’s completely impossible — you can’t get to the cockpit. And the TSA, bless their empty little heads, hasn’t even managed to stop the attempts at airborne violence that have been attempted since then — it was passengers who caught Richard Reid, lest you forget. And the London plot that gave us the bullshit baggie rule was broken up by law enforcement, and probably wouldn’t have worked anyway.

But the TSA has been busily confiscating scissors and screwdrivers and razorblades and pocketknives for 9 years, and they’ve mistaken that for their mission. NONE of the objects they’ve taken were part of terrorist plots. You can’t hijack a plane with a Leatherman, and the TSA knows this; the confiscation is just a giant con on the American people. Taking away pocketknives is busywork. It makes us LESS safe, because it obligates resources that could be better spent elsewhere.

And now they’re going to do MORE of it, with their bullshit scanners pushed on them by lobbyists and completely unlikely to enhance our safety. And they’ll keep doing this until we the people — for whom every bellycrawling TSA jackass works — insist, loudly and repeatedly, that they stop. Write your congresspeople. Yell at your airlines. Opt out of this pornoscanners, and be unpleasant when they touch your junk.

A heartwarming tale of TSA revolt, over at Gizmodo.

In case you were unaware, Giz has some info.

• They can’t see through skin, so any terrorist willing to swallow or otherwise, um, introduce explosives into his body will slide right through; and
• They cost about half a billion dollars in total.
• Also, turns out they do save images

Can you say boondoggle? Opt Out. Fly with dignity..

The Allied Pilots Association is advising its members to refuse the x-ray scanner on the grounds that they get too much radiation already.

The great backscatter boondoggle is costing half a billion dollars, will slow air travel even more, and will do virtually nothing to catch anything that’s actually dangerous. We have no one’s word but the manufacturer’s — and the TSA’s — that these things are actually safe, and we’re just supposed to trust the TSA that their employees aren’t saving the images for their own amusement.

No thanks, jackasses. I’ll skip it.

Because people are justifiably uncomfortable with the “naked scan” aspects of the new backscatter x-ray machines in airports, and because more than a few have wondered at the health implications of these things, there’s a growing backlash. People are insisting on a manual patdown instead of the x-ray, as is their right.

Well, the jerkoffs at TSA have decided to make the patdowns more intrusive, and the clear implication is that they want them to be more uncomfortable, more degrading, and more humiliating so that you’ll be a good little drone and take your x-ray dose like they want you to.

Fuck. That.

Here’s a counterplan: Let’s all refuse the scans. Sure, it’s annoying to have some halfwit pawing your junk, but we’re not the ones who’ll spend 8 hours a day doing the junk-pawing.

So let’s try to put an end to security theatre. Let’s take back our rights, along with our dignity. Let’s remember what Ben Franklin taught us, that those who sacrifice liberty for security (or worse, the illusion of security) deserve neither. Let’s find our balls, and then make them touch ‘em.

Word.

A Newark screener has been arrested for stealing up to $700 a day from people’s carry-on baggage.

Watch your bags. Assume the doofuses in blue shirts are crooks.

Continental is no longer partnering with Amex on either Membership Rewards points or Presidents’ Club access, starting in one year.

From the site:

Frequently Asked Questions

Why is Continental Airlines withdrawing from participation in the American Express Membership Rewards and Airport Club Access programs?

Continental’s agreements to participate in these programs expire Sept. 30, 2011 and we have decided not to renew the agreements. Continental continues to offer many options for OnePass mileage earning and redemption opportunities as well as Presidents Club access.

Note that this is not actually an answer.

Is this decision the result of Continental’s merger with United Airlines?

The decision to end Continental’s participation in the American Express Airport Club Access and Membership Rewards programs is not related to Continental’s merger with United Airlines.

Note that this answer is almost certainly a lie. You can tell in part because answers to simple yes or no questions that do not begin with “yes” or “no,” and that go one for this many words, are almost all lies. By reading further, it’s also easy to see how brazenly mendacious the CO people are being.

I’ve already started doing most of my flying on Southwest for other reasons. My guess is that this will seal that deal even further, though my AX points are useless there, too. (The moral there is “all airlines hate you,” by the way.)

BTW, Amex is trying to make it less painful, but it’s still going to suck:

Amex is also trying to hang on to some Continental and other airline fans with a new benefit for Platinum and Centurion (a k a, “Black Card”) customers. Starting Dec. 1, you can register your favored airline with Amex and it will waive up to $200 in fees (like those for baggage checking, in-flight food purchases, airport club day passes and flight changes) with that airline each year.

The remaining domestic airlines partnered with Amex are AirTran, Delta, Frontier, and JetBlue. Of those, the latter may be useful to us, but the rest are less interesting. Time to schedule a bigass CO trip with my AX points, methinks.

James Fallows has a post over at the Atlantic noting how often a “mileage award” seat was available from each of several airlines.

The clear winner? Southwest, at 99.3%. Continental didn’t do TOO badly at 71.4% (they’re also the highest ranked major/traditional US carrier); United is right behind them at 68.6%. American notches 57.9%, and at the bottom, we find Delta with 12.9% and USAir with 10.7%.

Check out these dinosaurs. Seriously.

Houston’s hometown airline has agreed to merge with industry fuckwits and apotheosis of customer hostility United — and relocate to Chicago! — thereby ensuring that all further Heathen air travel will be on Southwest.

Fuck you, United. Every time I’ve ever flown a United plane, you’ve screwed me. You once lost my bags between LAX and SFO, for crying out loud. Granted, you’re bigger than Continental, but in Houston we’ve typically been able to choose between two highly decorated airlines from a customer satisfaction perspective: Southwest and Continental. United’s always been a joke from a customer service perspective, so we figure it’s that culture that will predominate in the new United.

They’re now going to charge for carry-on baggage. Seriously.

They’re talking. Check out “Full-body scanners improve security, TSA says” at CNN; it’s chock full of bullshit.

1. “Full-body imaging machines that see through clothes have significantly improved security in airports where they are deployed, and have revealed more than 60 “artfully concealed” illegal or prohibited items in the past year, the Transportation Security Administration says.” This is dishonesty via implication; certainly people take things on planes TSA has prohibited. They do it because the TSA’s regulations are bullshit, and they do it with no plans for anything more nefarious than trimming their nails or cutting open boxes while they’re traveling. This supposed catch of 60 items doesn’t translate into 60 thwarted plots. It translates to zero thwarted plots. Improved compliance will bullshit rules just gets us more bullshit.

2. “As evidence of the machines’ capabilities, the security agency released five photos of drugs or suspected drugs that airport screeners found after scans revealed anomalies on the ghost-like images of people’s bodies. The agency said metal detectors would not have revealed the items.” This is completely irrelevant. The TSA’s job isn’t to search for contraband. The TSA’s job is (supposedly) to check for safety. They have no mandate to pat us down for drugs, and no business doing so.

At least the article points out an opposing view, from John Perry Barlow:

But some passengers say the machine’s capabilities are presenting new Fourth Amendment questions about the government’s searches, saying the machines — in detecting very small objects — are subjecting passengers to scrutiny beyond what is needed to safeguard the plane.

“I can’t imaging an explosive that is powerful enough in that [tea-bag size] quantity to endanger an aircraft,” said John Perry Barlow, a former Grateful Dead lyricist who once took the TSA to court after a search of his checked luggage revealed a small amount of drugs.

“Every time technology makes another leap forward, we have to reclaim the Fourth Amendment, and often we have to reclaim the entire Bill of Rights, because technology gives us powers that were not envisioned by the Founding Fathers,” Barlow said.

I recently encountered some of these no doubt very expensive machines in Kansas City. They’re a complete waste of time and money, and materially increase the amount of time and hassle required to get on an airplane. Somebody needs to put the kibosh on these things quick, but that won’t happen — I’m sure palms have been greased, explicitly or implicitly. The TSA gets to point at these machines and say “look what we’re doing!”, and most people will believe them. And the scanner makers laugh all the way to the goddamn bank while those of us just trying to travel pay the price.

It’s almost ten years later, and we’re still freaking out so much I can’t help but imagine Osama chuckling in his cave over all this. Jesus.

Otherwise, I’d have no excuse to point out the Consumerist’s angle on the young woman who, when stranded during Snowpocalypse for 10 hours, elected to make an epic video of horsing around in the Pitt airport:

“Traveler Makes Better Movie Than Avatar While Stranded In Airport“

Security guru Bruce Schneier has an Op/Ed at CNN pointing out that pretty much everything you see labeld “security” at the airport is strictly for show, and has no operational value at all.

And he makes a strong case:

…TSA’s response to Abdulmutalib’s attempt makes one thing clear: We must stop pretending the TSA is making us safer. […]

So what has the TSA done in response to the attempted attack? They’ve told airlines to make passengers stay in their seats during the last hour of flight. They’ve made it verboten for passengers to hold anything in their laps, again only during the last hour of flight. Perhaps most hilariously telling, they’ve forbidden pilots from announcing when a plane is flying over certain cities and landmarks.

There is no other way to interpret it: The TSA is saying clearly that they can’t prevent terrorists from getting explosives on airplanes, but by god, they’ll make sure those planes explode only when the TSA says it’s okay.

I want our government to prevent terrorism and to make flights safer. But we are spending billions of dollars and man-hours to fight a threat that is less likely to kill a traveler than being struck by lightning. In the last decade, according to statistician Nate Silver, there has been “one terrorist incident per 11,569,297,667 miles flown [the] equivalent to 1,459,664 trips around the diameter of the Earth, 24,218 round trips to the Moon, or two round trips to Neptune.” (Sadly, this does mean that in the future we can expect one out of every two round-trip flights to Neptune to be hijacked.)

The TSA isn’t saving lives. We, the passengers, are saving our own. […]

I don’t want to die on an airplane… But I also don’t expect the government to protect from the literally endless possibilities and threats that could occur at any point to end my life or the life of the few I love. It’s been nearly a decade since terrorists used airplanes to attack our country, and last week’s attempt makes it clear that the lack of terrorist attacks have nothing to do with the increasing gauntlet of whirring machines, friskings, and arbitrary bureaucratic provisions, but simply that for the most part, there just aren’t that many terrorists trying to blow up planes. Because god knows if there were, the TSA isn’t capable of stopping them. We’re just one bad burrito away from the TSA forcing passengers to choke back an Imodium and a Xanax before being hogtied to our seats.

President Obama, don’t let this attack—this one attack that was thankfully stopped by smart, fearless passengers and airline staff—take us further in the wrong direction. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way. Americans of all stripes and affiliation standing up to say, “This isn’t working. We gave you our money. You’re not making us safer.” We appreciate the attempt to make us safer and acknowledge that it came from an honest attempt to protect American (and the rest of the world’s) lives.

But it’s a failure. It’s wrongheaded. It’s a farce. Tear it down. Put the money towards the sort of actions at which our government excels, like intelligence. The failure of the TSA leaves us no choice, but it’s okay. The American people are ready to take back the responsibility for our own safety. Really, we already have.

Last year, according to my year-end statements from various airlines and hotels, I spent about 81 nights in hotels (68 of them in one Hyatt in Kansas (plus 2 more in other Hyatts); 5 more in other KC hotels; 3 at a Sheraton on Phoenix; and another 3 or so at random hotels for family events), and took about 65 flights — which was enough to secure both Elite status at Continental and A-list membership with Southwest.

No wonder I’m tired.

As usual, he’s completely right. A key quote:

For years I’ve been saying this:

Only two things have made flying safer [since 9/11]: the reinforcement of cockpit doors, and the fact that passengers know now to resist hijackers.

This week, the second one worked over Detroit. Security succeeded.

True.

So a numbskull would-be terrorist tried to set himself on fire aboard a US-bound Northwest jet yesterday, as you may have heard. My favorite part of the NYT story:

As investigators from around the world worked to determine how the suspect managed to get his explosives past security on a flight that had departed from Amsterdam with passengers who had originated in Nigeria, airports were consulting with the Transportation Safety Administration to impose stricter screening measures.

They need an investigator for this? Nothing the TSA does to your average traveler would catch the materials this guy brought on board unless he was unlucky enough to be singled out for individual screening — PLUS he boarded the plane either in Europe or Africa, not the US. There’s no big mystery.

Rest assured, though, that the TSA will use this as an opportunity to add even MORE useless security theater steps to the airport process with precisely zero increase in actual security.

Update: The new idiocy is here, and it makes zero fucking sense. JeffreyP has more:

This is a profoundly stupid rule, even dumber than the rule that prevents passengers from carrying an unlimited number of three ounce containers of liquid aboard airplanes. The rule is not intended to protect passengers; it’s intended to protect politicians, to inoculate them from criticism the next time a bad terrorism incident occurs in the future. There are rules in place to prevent this kind of thing, right?

But it’s utterly absurd to think that these airport security rules will never prevent a single act of terrorism. (What’s to prevent the bad guy from doing his thing one hour and one minute before the plane lands?) What these rules will do, though, is to eternally memorialize every half-cocked would-be terrorist who manages to stick something flammable into his shoe or into his pants. And that is precisely the terrorists’ objective.

Check out The Dry Valleys. The author has pix from the huts built by the early 20th century explorers’ expeditions, literally frozen in time. Very cool.

When I call your company and you need to put me on hold, DO NOT MAKE ME LISTEN TO A CONSTANT STREAM OF COMMERCIALS. Play quiet music. That way, it’s easier to zone out and work or talk to someone else while you wait. With a babbling brook of cutesy nonsense (I’m looking at you, Southwest), it’s much harder to focus on productive activities while the CSR has you on hold.

In all the chaos surrounding my travel, I didn’t notice until today that the client-specified car rental company (Avis, whose primary market appears to be biz travelers whose choices are made by beancounters — the cars are shappy, ill-maintained, poorly cleaned, and drastically less well kitted out than National or Hertz — but they’re cheap) doesn’t even have an affinity program.

Instead, they will give you points elsewhere, which is generally a sucky alternative. Still, I’ve got 10 rentals with ’em (and counting), so I needed to see SOME credits. The deals relevant to me are:

• Continental Airlines. CO will give me 50 miles for every day I rent with Avis, or about 150 miles for each rental. To redeem those for a ticket (worth, say, $350), I need 25,000 miles. 150 miles is 0.6% of a free trip’s 25,000 miles, so it’s 0.6% of that $350. That means the CO reward is worth about $2.10.
• Hyatt will give me 300 points for every rental. A free Hyatt night (say, $150) is 20,000 points. 300 is 1.5% of the award, so it’s 1.5% of the value or $2.25. That’s a little better than Continental, but still nothing to write home about.
• Southwest will give me 0.5 credits for every rental. A free SWA ticket requires 16 credits, so the Avis award is 3.13% of an award that’s worth, like Continental, about $350 — or a whopping $10.94.

Given Southwest’s generally customer-friendly POV compared to other airlines, it’s not surprising that they beat CO all to hell here. Hotels just aren’t quite as sophisticated with affinity programs as airlines, so I guess that explains Hyatt’s poor showing.

Mmmm, arithmetic.

4:20, 4:20, 5:21, 4:30, 5:15, 6:06, 6:50, 7:10.

Sigh. Fuck you, Continental.

Remember this? Turns out, we’re not the only ones to notice that the color-coded warning system — five levels, but really only 3 since we’ve never been below yellow — is a complete waste of time.

The Department of Homeland Security’s Advisory System — you know, that bullshit chart of Green-Blue-Yellow-Orange-Red we’ve all been laughing at since 9/11 — will soon enter its fifth consecutive year at precisely the same level of national alert. It should surprise no one that said level is “yellow” — the one in the middle — and that is has been unchanged since August 12, 2005.

Some makework Bushite drone came up with this goofball idea in the Great National Freakout of late 2001, and nobody has yet had the stones to do away with it. We Heathen wonder how many thousands of dollars have been wasted down this particular rathole.

Update: Mrs Heathen points out that it’s Orange at airports. This is true. It’s been Orange for . . . three years.

Drunken monkeys scavenge cocktails on St Kitts. What’s not to like?

Bruce Schneier is right again about airport security.

I didn’t notice, but last fall Continental revised its carryon limits from 51 linear inches (L + W + H) to 45 — at just about the same time they added a fee for the first checked bag for everyone except Elite fliers.

Like I said, I didn’t notice, despite flying weekly since March, which means they haven’t been enforcing the new rule. Until this week.

Now they’ve got some fucking beancounter weasel at the check-in line with a tape measure, which means my year-old suitcase (an Eagle Creek Velocity) is suddenly useless. Moreover, the 45-inch rule means that many bags still advertised as “regulation” size aren’t, and that road warriors like me will have to buy a new bag to avoid trusting baggage handlers on short trips.

Continental’s reasoning is that many of their partners — customer hostile organizations, I assume — were already at 45″, so they just wanted to be uniform. Bullshit. It’s a creepy and disingenuous money grab, plain and simple.

Fuck you, Continental. Fuck you twice. Oh, and by the way: Southwest still allows a 50″ carryon, and they go nearly all the places I need to go.

I’m already into the 2nd elite tier of Hyatt’s frequent-guest program.

Amusingly, Hyatt is supporting the ongoing devaluation of precious metals in such contexts; rather than having levels at Silver, Gold, and Platinum, they use Gold, Platinum, and Diamond.

Some marketing douche thinks he’s clever for that.

Owing apparently to the departure of Northwest from the market, the Kansas City Airport’s C terminal now features ZERO food or drink vendors inside security. Nada. Nothing.

Since there are also no water fountains, it’s impossible to take water aboard a plane. Congrats, MCI, you’re Heathen’s new choice for Suckiest Airport in the Country. Even Jackson, Mississippi, sucks less.

It’s irrelevant to Houston-based Heathen, but it sounds like being squeezed into the bulkhead by a supersized seatmate is a thing of the past on United. Consumerist has the story:

Starting today, United Airlines has a new policy. If you can’t fit into a single seat, you need to buy another one or stay behind.

In order to fly for no extra charge, passengers now have to be able to sit in a single seat, buckle their seat belt (with an extender) and put the arm rests down. If you can’t do this, you’re going to need to buy another ticket — unless there is already a seat available with another open seat next to it.

Found on stall floor in client restroom: printouts from the Ayn Rand Institute. Ah, randroid wingnuts.

(Of course, it’s possible the sheets were meant for sanitary use, which would be appropriate if ill-advised; the client’s choice of paper products in said restroom is perfectly reasonable.)

Austrian railfan and more-intrepid-than-I traveler took a train trip from Vienna to Pyongyang. Whoa.

In this context, read “Goofus” as “the Continental terminal” and “Gallant” as “the Southwest terminal.”

GOOFUS assumes travelers are content with off-brand prefab food, a standard-issue airport bar with Sysco burgers, and a single Starbuck’s.

GALLANT at least provides a Sbarro and a McDonald’s, and God help us if we’re viewing that as “the nice option.”

GOOFUS hides outlets under furniture.

GALLANT has biz-traveler friendly desk-counters with outlets in the waiting area for laptop warriors to plug in and work while waiting for their flight.

GOOFUS has dodgy wifi prone to signal drops at the slightest provocation.

GALLANT’s connectivity is rock solid.

Unfortunately, GALLANT requires me to stop in Dallas, so GOOFUS it is. Basically, the answer is that there’s no way to go to and from Kansas City that doesn’t suck in some way.

The shockingly good hotel just keeps getting, at least theoretically, better. This time around it’s a panel of connectors for the TV that allow guests to plug their own equipment into it, drastically increasing its utility. A simple switchbox includes buses with component video + audio; VGI, HDMI, and mini-plug audio; or RCA/composite video with mini audio or RCA audio.

Since I travel with a mini-to-mini cable (to plug my iPod into the rental car), all I lacked was a monitor cable to run the TV shows on my laptop through the big nice plasma, so I went around the corner to Best Buy.

Unfortunately, neither I nor the (admittedly nontechie) hotel guy could make it work. Something’s askew; it’s possible my new cable is bad, but we lack access to other equipment (and motivation) to chase this down. Oh well. The thought counts for a lot; I’ve never seen another hotel even make gestures in the direction of this kind of technical accommodation, so they definitely get an A for effort even if it won’t quite work this time.

I’m in a brand-new hotel chain this time: a Hyatt Place, which I take it is their foray into the “low-frills business traveller” market.

Holy Crap. It’s amazing. Pix to follow, but even the checkin process is off the hook. There’s a quick bar in the lobby — pick up wrapped sandwiches, salads, bottled drinks, whatever — plus 24×7 food service (with a limited menu, but still).

The rooms themselves are the real prize, though. Lots of these chains work towards a “suite” feel, designed to cater to an extended stay, but this is the first time I’ve seen it really work. There’s a nice and comfortable couch with an ottoman, a real desk, and a wet-bar in the “living room”, and then a 42″ plasma tv on a pivot that can entertain either that area or the bedroom area.

I’m completely stunned. Even the house Chardonnay is nice. Kansas City just got a whole lot nicer.

Today, my ten-month-old Eagle Creek bag broke today, while packing. The topside strap broke completely loose, which drastically reduces the utility of the bag. Seriously, 10 months; WTF?

So I called them. Immediately. As in, from the airport while waiting to board. Their solution was, of course, “ship it to us and we’ll fix it for free.” My problem with this? I’m traveling pretty much constantly right now, and can’t do without the bag for the foreseeable future.

Shockingly, after only two escalations — once into the warranty department, and again to the manager thereof — they simply agreed. They’re sending me another bag (different color, but who cares?) that will be waiting for me at home when I get back on Friday; I’ll be sending them my bag once I get the new one.

I’m shocked — shocked — that this was so easy. I was momentarily really annoyed at the failure so quickly, but then again so were they; their willingness to work with me to create a solution that worked for me is definitely deserving of praise.

(Of course, proof is in the pudding; we’ll see if goes off this easily, but as of now I’m pretty confident.)

My 3G wireless modem provides faster connectivity (700 down, about 350 up) than the hotel’s wired ethernet (500 down, 85 up) or lobby wireless (44 down, 400 up).

Time to fire the hotel.

Apparently, it’s totally ok to bring gunpowder aboard a plane provided it’s disassembled first.

TSA agents usually rotely follow the rules of their pantomime, rather than using educated judgment. Educated judgment is too tiring, too expensive, and needed elsewhere.

Exactly. Anybody who thinks TSA makes us one iota safer is deluding themselves.

BoingBoing interviews Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff, with predictably bullshit results, for example:

Chertoff: What I can tell you is that in the period prior to September 12, 2001, it was a regular, routine issue to have American aircraft hijacked or blown up from time to time, whether it was Lockerbie or TSA or TWA 857 [I believe he meant TWA 847 – Joel] or 9/11 itself. And we haven’t had even a serious attempt at a hijacking or bombing on an American plane since then.

But BoingBoing bothered to do some legwork:

According to Airsafe.com, the last flight previous to 9/11 to be hijacked with fatalities from an American destination was a Pacific Southwest Airlines flight on December 7th, 1987. “Lockerbie” refers to Pan Am Flight 103 which was destroyed by a bomb over Scotland after departing from London Heathrow International Airport on its way to JFK, with screening done — as now — by an organization other than the TSA. TWA Flight 847 departed from Athens (Ellinikon) International Airport, also not under TSA oversight.

While Wikipedia’s list of aircraft hijackings may not be comprehensive — I cannot find a complete list from the FAA, which does not seem to list hijackings, including 9/11, in its Accidents & Incidents Data — the last incident of an American flight being hijacked was in 1994, when FedEx Flight 705 was hijacked by a disgruntled employee.

The implication that hijacking or bombing of American airline flights is a regular occurrence is not borne out by history, nor does it follow that increased screening by the TSA at airports has prevented more attacks since 9/11.

In other words, as we might’ve predicted, Chertoff it talking out of his ass, and does nothing here but make noises designed to support the obviously worthless policies his organization has pursued since 9/11.

This is as good a place as any to point out “End, don’t ment, the Transportation Security Administration,” an op-ed from the Christian Science Monitor that ran last week. In it, the author points out the absurdity of the liquid ban as an example case: enacted after the British “liquid explosives” plot, experts have since shown that it’s essentially impossible to fabricate an explosive from components in flight. You need a lab, careful procedures, a lot of time, and significant training. Further, British juries returned ZERO terrorism convictions associated with the “plot:”

The TSA makes it sound as though anyone with a year of high-school chemistry and some hydrogen peroxide can whip up explosives in an airplane’s restroom. But mixing a truly explosive bomb is a delicate operation. It requires exact temperatures, precise measurements and methods, and specialized equipment – all more commonly found in laboratories than lavatories. The procedure takes a while, too. And the fumes are likely to alert the passengers shifting from foot to foot in the aisle as they await their turn in the washroom.

In fact, chemists worldwide doubt that even the most accomplished terrorist can concoct such a combustive cocktail high above the Atlantic. A British jury this summer didn’t buy the allegations, either. Due to lack of evidence, only eight of the plot’s original 25 suspects finally made it to trial. As it turns out, police should have freed all the defendants: jurors refused to convict anyone of terrorism. They exonerated one man, returned no verdict on four others, and settled on lesser charges for the remaining three.

But none of these facts seem to matter to the TSA. It needs something to justify its existence: Despite six years of patting down passengers, it hasn’t reported uncovering a single terrorist. No wonder it latched onto the nonsense about liquid bombs. Ferreting out and confiscating everyday substances not only makes work for 43,000 screeners, it also fools us into thinking this protects us.

The TSA has always been a political, not practical, response to 9/11. It hassles us at checkpoints not because of penetrating insights on security or some brilliant breakthrough, but because politicians handed it power. Specialists in security didn’t invent the TSA; the Bush administration imposed it on us. So we might hope the incoming president would abolish this absurd agency.

Word. So far, Obama has pledged to improve, but not abolish the agency. Let him know what security people actually think.

American Airlines Now Charging Fees to Non-Passengers:

[AA President Gerard] Arpey said that non-passengers of American Airlines should expect to pay a small fee when making Greyhound bus reservations, choosing to drive to their final destination, or simply being a citizen of the United States with a valid Social Security number.

Arpey went on to note that some additional charges would also apply, including a $15 fee for every piece of luggage customers have inside their bedroom closet, and a one-time payment of $40 for any American whose name is Greg.

(Sorry, Greg.)

BoingBoing notes that a new president means a chance to revisit some of the more stupid TSA initiatives, and accordingly calls for a return to the right to bear pocket knives.

Cheetah gets loose on Delta flight. Presumably they do not mean the charming Tarzan companion, either.